How Being Too Formal On A Date Kills Attraction…

Who doesn’t want to be cool?

When our friend introduces us to that cute guy at the party, the one thing we want to be in that moment is cool. We want to seem relaxed, smooth, sophisticated, in control.

There’s a problem though, as trying to act cool doesn’t always mean we come across as cool.

What do we do when we try to look cool? We modify our behaviour, we try to put on a more serious face, maybe we even try to emulate that icy catwalk model stare, that look that combines effortless sophistication with smoking hot sex appeal.

Only…it doesn’t really work that way.

When we try too hard to be cool, we often end up looking stand-offish, or even overly formal (and as you’ve probably already guessed, formality can be a big attraction killer). Ironically, even though we try to make every gesture seem cool and relaxed, it can make us look rigid and stern. We try to pull off a sexy smoldering pose and end up seeming uptight, or even just moody.

Trying too hard to be cool doesn’t work. It’s one of those paradoxes: the more you think about being cool and effortless, the less cool and effortless you are.

With that in mind, there is a golden principle here that I want to share today: Being fun is sexier than being cool.

If we want to have all of those attractive traits: Sexy, engaging, magnetic, charismatic – we are much better off being entertaining and fun than being serious and cool.

What are the traits of fun and engaging people?


1) They are in touch with their feelings

When we try to be too-cool-for-school, we hide our emotions. When we are fun, we embrace them. Be excitable, show interest in others, laugh out loud at jokes – these are the kind of things that make our personality engaging.

2) They are spontaneous

Fun people aren’t obsessed with being in control. They live in the moment. When we try to be cool, we live inside of our own heads, constantly analyzing every movement and every word that comes out of our mouths. When we let go of controlling everything and worrying about other’s opinions all the time, we become much better company.

3) They are expressive

Fun people make gestures. Their attitude is infectious; you can see their body language is relaxed and engaged. They show a cheeky smile, raise their eyebrows in a cute way that makes us laugh, they have an expressive face when they tell stories. Hook people in by being expressive when you speak.

4) They talk excitedly

Fun people are optimistic, and talk excitedly about their passions. There is almost nothing more engaging than people who are passionate – it doesn’t matter if they are the least successful person in the world, if they are passionate about life and people, they are magnetic to others.

So today’s lesson is to take life (and ourselves) less seriously. The most engaging people focus on being fun rather than cool. Let yourself go and be wholly present in the moment. Do that, and you’ll be cooler than any cool person out there.


Update: There are only a few places left on our last Women’s Weekend event of 2012 (November 17/18). If you want to bag a man by Christmas, click here to grab your place now! Can’t make an event in London? Here’s the link for our home study programme The Man Myth where you can learn the complete GTG ‘system’ from the comfort of your very own living room.


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28 Replies to “How Being Too Formal On A Date Kills Attraction…”

  • Macey ….If you lock yourself between 4 walls, its very unlikely, he will knock on your door. So I think its good to be social, but not needy. Unless you wanna have just someone so you aren’t alone.

  • No, we don’t all want to be cool unless we got stuck in childhood programming from yea back. I would rather die than ‘be cool’ because I would be copying every pretentious plank out there who maintains a facade and you can’t keep that up forever. The ‘Being Real’ brigade also miss a point – too much too soon is not a good idea either. Anyone who feels the need to ‘Be’ something is not Being. But ‘cool’? No. You are not Jimmy Dean, you are you.

  • Hey Matt,
    I have met this guy when I was visiting a friend. We talked for half an hour and he seemed like a great guy. He did seem like he was interest in me. So I visited my friend again, and I saw him again. We said hi to each other, however he didn’t talk to me. He only talked to my friend and then he left. Was it because he is shy? Or he is just not interest anymore? Should I ask my friend for his number and start talking to him. He seems like a great guy and I would like to get to know him more. But I don’t know what to do.

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