Happy Independence Day!
I’m really happy for America today. Given the nature of the day, I thought it would be appropriate to do a video on ‘how to get over an argument’ ; ).
We all go through arguments in relationships, and we don’t necessarily know how to repair things afterwards.
–How can we fix damage that’s been done?
We don’t do it by continuing the feud. We do it through better communication.
There are two things going on in any argument: Rules and Standards.
‘I have a rule that someone has to get home by a certain time in order to show that they love me and spend time with me.’
‘I have a standard that the person I’m with has to adore me.’
Standards are important at their core because they reveal intent and values.
Rules are things that we ourselves make up. They are a meaning that we attribute to things. We’re not always right in the meaning that we attribute to things, and sometimes our rules are crazy and out of proportion, or just in the wrong context.
If someone is breaking your rule, you have a decision to make:
–Do I want to change this rule? Is it relevant in this particular moment?
Many times you’ll decide that the rule is not as important as the relationship itself, and that you have a level of love and care and connection that allows you to get bigger than the rule and not make it so important.
If someone fundamentally violates your standard, that’s a different story.
Most people get angry, upset and emotional when their standards are violated, and they don’t know how to vent that, so they stop communicating and continue arguing.
What we have to do is learn to communicate.
The best way to do so is to start in a positive way.
‘I love you. I care for you. I want to be close to you.’
Then lead into talking about your standard.
‘But right now, with what you’re doing – with the way you’re violating my standard – I can’t be close to you.’
And finally lay down what he must do for the relationship to continue.
‘As much as I want it to, this can’t work unless you’re able to change this part of you.’
Give someone the space to improve and surprise you.
If they have the potential, give them the chance to reach that potential. Not forever – but enough of a chance to change.
If they can’t reach that potential, we have to be brave enough to separate ourselves from them so that we can include more people in our lives who will.
You’re either going to have someone who stays and who you keep around because they CAN meet your standards, or you’re going to lose someone who can’t meet your standards.
You’ll either keep someone who’s right for you, or you’ll lose someone who’s wrong for you.
Life really can be as simple as that, even if it’s painful at times.
Question of the day: What’s one Rule that’s no longer be serving you? What’s the underlying standard behind it?
Let me know in the comments!