If I had to guess, over 7928753 women have now asked me what to do when a guy ghosts you.
Ghosting is when a guy you’ve been dating suddenly disappears: no messages, no phone calls, no tearful goodbye – just gone forever, never to be seen or heard from again.
Sounds brutal? It is.
In this week’s blog video, for the first time, I’m going to tell you my essential rules for responding to a guy if and WHEN you get ghosted (though here’s hoping you never do).
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You know what happened when I was ghosted? I wrote a message saying how thrilled I was about meeting that person and how impressed I was, how conversation was the sweetest ever and how it was a shame I didn’t get the chance to explore if things would turn out as good as I fancied. Then I got the response. And a date.
Ohhh. Kinda wanna try your approach, Deedee.
Love this one coach!!
Words of wisdom delivered in a playful way. The most important part of this video, in my opinion, is to treat anything that happens to you, as a learning experience. You can be better or bitter. The choice is up to you.
Uh….really…your loyal listeners and customers “stories bore you to tears”?????? Gee thanks. That’s really kind of you. Oops, I made a mistake, that’s actually quite rude of you to say such a thing.
I agree… DON’T call the ghost… DELETE HIS NUMBER… That’s what I did.
Question, what of he comes back at some point? What should you do then?
Love your last line. Made me LOL! Thanks for the laugh.
Iwas Ghosted for a few month.but last week the ghost return saying he miss me and love me I told him I will think about it is about 1year we get to know each other on line he is in syria I told him we need to meet each other now beacuse I can not not be caring for a ghostso uour video was very hood for me am cool
Ok..if the ghost came back and called, what I am suppose to do? :)
I got ghosted after being in a relationship for over 5 years..completely no explanation.. nothing! Just silence for months. Then he texted me last month like nothing happened, trying to be friendly and flirty, and when I called him out on it he gave some lame excuses and really had completey no regard for my feelings. I blocked his number, and have to accept the fact that I will never get closure from him. It is one of the most painful, heart wrenching experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. But I guess he did me a favour.
That happened to me before… only it wasn’t a 5 years relationship, only 4 months in, but then he reappeared after disappearing for a month like nothing’s happened then disappeared again after a month.
I found out a few months after that during the “month” away he was out giving another girl a go before crawling back when the other chick was unsure… only to then… crawl back to her again.
Best thing you did there was delete and block his number. It takes time to heal but you’ll be fine in time :)
that happened to me as well after 4 mos. I’ve been in 26 days of no contact since a break up text.
5 years? If a guy does not propose marriage after one year or less, he is not in the market for marriage. Real world facts. Always date three guys until one steps up and professes he wants a wife and soon. Remember, as the female, you can go up to any guy and ask for sex and get a yes 75% of the time. Start acting smart. You are the prize. Males are bilogically cheap. Any herd on the planet only needs ten percent healthy breeding males for a strong population. As a female you have an unlimited number of potential sex partners. You are seeking a long term relationship, so excise all males who don’t want what you want right now. You are the prize. You have the power. After age 38 you roll the dice for a mongoloid child. If that’s your goal, keep throwing away your breeding years in 5 year chunks. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? Exactly. Now stop acting stupid.
A ghoster is the ultimate coward! So why would you ever want to be in contact with him again?
Matt!
As much as I love and appreciate most of your advice, I have mixed feelings about this one. End of day, you advise us, women, to keep looking for what we might have done better, which is a nice way of saying what we did wrong. Don’t you think many women will end up self-criticising and self -blaming anyway, especially if they really got to like the guy?
Also, you seem to be accepting ghosting as a phenomenon that is “a part of life”. If you agree that ghosting is ok, than you need to accept rudeness, lack of respect, cowardness “as a part of life”. It’s like you give up in a certain way on making world a better place and communicating to people about standards of behaviour that they should have towards others. And if we are accepting things like people being rude and disrespectful towards us – and never express how that makes us feel – directly to the person that made us feel like that – we are not moving anywhere and I think that we are somehow hurting ourselves by keeping these emotions inside.
I agree than in certain situations we can just let it go and say to ourselves, “f**k him, i don’t care and I deserve better”, and move forward, and it is possible sometimes. But at times, when the guys has been chasing us for weeks, when he said he loves and cares so much, and suddenly he doesn’t care to reply to our message for days…
Then I think he needs to know that we think he is a disrespectful asshole. He really deserves to hear that. Why we would make it easy for him? Let’s give him some unpleasant time too, so that he reflects on the fact that having low moral standards can get him consequences like this.
And that actually applies to all sorts of all low standards behaviour. We should react. We should express that THIS IS NOT OK. How we chose to do so it is a different story.
I agree with you on the point that over-analysing and trying to understand “why” – it is a waste of time, all we need to understand is that we are dealing with an asshole here – we really don’t need to know what made him an asshole. Still I strongly believe that expressing the standards that we expect and expressing our anger/sorrow/disappointment should happen – to the actual person.
Also, Matt, you’ve been telling us a lot about the High Value Woman – I’d love to know your take on a High Value Man too:)
Thanks!! Anna
good points!
Agree with you Anna and although there is no point wasting too much energy if the relationship was exclusive and longer than a few months I think ghosting is particularly unacceptable and a very disrespectful way of behaving towards someone who has been emotionally invested. We should not just have to be accepting of this.
Ghosting actually says a lot more about the person who has done it. They have preferred to not place themselves in an uncomfortable position but escape, leaving the other person feeling confusion and hurt.
That would be a major red flag for me in a relationship as the person who ghosted has shown themselves to be avoidant in difficult situations. Not really a quality I would be looking for in someone I wanted to have a relationship with. Best to let them evaporate!
Right on Anna.
I think that ghosting can happen at different levels.
I think the attitude that – shit happens, get over it (and don’t bore me to tears with your story) – is humorous, wise and fine if someone is dealing with relatively low level ghosting.
But at its worst (eg after a long, committed relationship) ghosting is a “ghastly form of hurt”: http://www.alternet.org/culture/social-death-penalty-why-being-ostracized-hurts-even-more-bullying (this article is mostly about social ostracism, but its also very eloquent on the effects of “silent treatment”).
I think we need to process these things properly, and that we’re in danger of making it worse for ourselves (or for a friend experiencing this) if we force an attitude of toughness.
:D
That’s one of my favourite good morning-soundtracks!
Which I have neglected a bit lately, so thanks for reminding me!
Well.. of the song and the other stuff :)
This is fantastic! Thanks Matthew, for gently handing women their butts back to them on a platter, and thank you for your own display of candidness and frustration! It only made you cuter :)
I will pass on your video to my 20-30 year-old female patients (I’m a psychotherapist in private practice) who freak out every time they are “ghosted.” Excellent video! :)
HELP.
Just kind of blew it.
I have had a crush on this man for years. He was one of my best friend’s husbands. She died last year, tragically, of cancer.
I told him I am really attracted to him…last summer…and then he went out and got engaged, married and divorced…with someone else.
I tried again,but I think I blew it by getting too intense and forgetting to flirt…
So I just emailed him this and I’m waiting for his response.
“I’ve done the one terribly stupid thing all women do when we get nervous about talking to that guy who really turns us on. just got too serious intense and un sexy.you have my number. I’ll be very happy to see you when you decide to make a date….until then …”
I don’t want to screw this up again if he calls, and I don’t have the money for the scripts. I am totally tapped out of cash.
any advice, please?
That was kind of an awkward email, lit up.
I’ve done similar things and I must say expressing insecurity about your behavior is a major turn off.
Don’t be insecure, just run with it – whatever the situation.
If you have flour, then bake a cake.
Also, don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Life is too short to be desperate about anything. Just have fun.
Maximize the fun!
Good luck, xoxo
Thank you for the wonderful advice Matthew!
Dear Matthew,
I just want to say how much your advice has helped me. The way you speak to people is really unique and every time I listen to you I feel like my best friend is giving me advice.
I have had a few unfortunate relationships in the pastand listening to you or reading your advice has always made me feel much better and get back on track.
Keep doing the amazing job that you are doing!
Evening Matt and the team,
Ghost magnet here, aptly put in your video, knocked the nail on the head perfectly, anyone naturally wants to seek answers when their hurt, but illogical when in certain situation such as ghosting, it’s a pointless exercise and wasting further emotional energy knocks your self esteem more…
The jelly to the trifle though was your bit about using it to grow and learn in a positive sense .
But what do you do when he comes back?
Hi, Matt…just wanted te ask..ok he ghosted me, tried reaching out and nothing, he still has me on his WhatsApp .. I sent 3 texts and on one of them asking what’s going on an no response, he’s seen them but does not reply, so what I did is that I stopped texting him ( it was only 3 times), but I could see he still has me on his contact list, I personally delete him from my contact list. This had never happened before to me and it really caught me off guard and did not make me feel good at all an more cause I asked what was the problem an no answer.
My boyfriend of 7 months dumped me by text message after meeting my family, buying me a Michael Kors bag, and lots of other gifts over the months, he treated me like a princess! he was handsome, hot and chivalrous. We hit it off immediately, I knew he was going to be my boyfriend because we ‘just clicked’ after that he was the most affectionate man I’d ever been with. I was so happy and I had no doubts he was ‘The One’. WE were always trying to make each other happy. After my birthday where he spoiled me rotten. Then out of nowhere, we were lying in bed, cosy on a Sunday morning ( 2 weeks before we went to Spain) and I saw a text from this girl on his phone. He leaped out of the bed. No explanation, laughing nervously, then ran off to the shop. I was so terrified of losing him and didn’t know how to address it without looking like a possessive weirdo so decided to watch things and maybe there’d be more opportunities after his birthday once we’re back from Spain. However when we got back, he said he wouldn’t be around the next weekend, which was the first time he’s not seen me in the 7 months we were together; then no contact from him at all before he dumped me by text message the following weekend before any arrangement could be made or questions asked. Not long after I saw.This girl in Leicester (where he’d gone to some Lawyers ball)She looked like an instagram model although she is a trainee solicitor and she was half my age. Since then 7 months later I am still looking at their accounts looking for answers. Apart from the fact that she rarely wears any clothes and is constantly taking selfies there is no proof. We have had a few text messages exchanged (instigated by me) which is followed by regular flow of messages over a few days before dying out. I have looked up countless answers online for support and I’ve seen everything about Bf’s leaving for another woman, boyfriends cheating, boyfriends cheating during break but nothing on being dumped for sex with someone else but won’t admit it! I feel so worthless, unattractive and my emotions are in tatters. I literally cry myself to sleep. Because the break up was so abrupt and we had no disagreements! I am not an ugly woman and I believe i communicated my standards, positively. I always made effort with my appearance and I was myself. Which is why this is SO PAINFUL! I look at posts on how to get your boyfriend back and how to move on and can’t seem to do either. My self esteem and heart has been ripped to shreds for what seems to be a woman SO hot it was too good to refuse and I wasn’t enough to turn his head back and no-one else seems to have experienced this. I feel as if I just need to know what happened or if this is the case for my own sanity. It’s unbearable. Would that be so wrong?