I’m kind of a movie-fanatic. Anyone who comes to my live events will know that I love dissecting even the tiniest moments from films to draw profound lessons.
And today, I want to use one my favourite film moments to ask you this question: How good are you at giving compliments?
The art of giving a great compliment is a tragically under-appreciated skill. Most people use compliments as meaningless flattery, or they just use generic phrases like “you’re so sweet”, “you’re really great” or “thanks, you’re so lovely”. These phrases, while they are all nice to hear, are completely forgettable.
Think of the compliments you have cherished from people you love in life. Usually it’s because they told you something about yourself and you just thought: they totally understand me. Or when someone told you something about yourself that you weren’t even aware of.
Take a look at the video below to see one of the greatest on-screen compliments ever uttered. It’s from the film As Good As It Gets.
It’s a breathtaking moment. Melvin (Jack Nicholson) finally tells Carol (Helen Hunt) what makes her the greatest woman on earth to him.
We all go through life never really telling people the best things about them. This might be with our friends, parents, and our love lives. What makes someone else feel special (and see us as special), is when they feel like we understand them on a level that no-one else does. Even if when you’re dating a guy you say “I really like the way you’re so considerate of other people. You always want everyone to feel good before yourself. I really admire that about you.”
Compliments like these (as long as they are true!) will resonate with someone, because they see that you are someone who notices the small actions they do everyday.
So my tip for today is to give better compliments. And for that you’re going to need some principles for doing it right. So here are three:
1. Always be specific
Just telling someone they are sexy is okay, but it’s kind of generic and impersonal. Tell them why they are sexy, or kind, or great fun, or whatever it is you want to say about them. If you want to tell a guy he is cute, tell him something specific about his looks, like “I love the little dimples on your cheeks when you smile.”
2. Focus on the little things
Compliments don’t have to be huge. The most meaningful ones can come from tiny things we do everyday. Maybe it’s saying “You make the best coffee in the world”, or “I love talking to you over breakfast. You always make me feel like I can really be myself around you.”
3. Make sure they are accurate
Don’t pull compliments out of thin air. Really think about the person you are talking to and what makes them great. Even if it’s someone you’ve known for a few weeks, you could just say what makes them so fun to be around. Is it their spontaneity, their kindness, their curiosity about the world?
What are some of the compliments that have stuck with you over the years? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments below!
If you haven’t yet signed up to my home study programme ‘The Man Myth’, I really encourage you to check it out. The holidays will soon arrive, and wouldn’t it be great if you had someone to share them with!? If you start the programme now, you’ll be just in time! Check it out here.