I’m kind of a movie-fanatic. Anyone who comes to my live events will know that I love dissecting even the tiniest moments from films to draw profound lessons.
And today, I want to use one my favourite film moments to ask you this question: How good are you at giving compliments?
The art of giving a great compliment is a tragically under-appreciated skill. Most people use compliments as meaningless flattery, or they just use generic phrases like “you’re so sweet”, “you’re really great” or “thanks, you’re so lovely”. These phrases, while they are all nice to hear, are completely forgettable.
Think of the compliments you have cherished from people you love in life. Usually it’s because they told you something about yourself and you just thought: they totally understand me. Or when someone told you something about yourself that you weren’t even aware of.
Take a look at the video below to see one of the greatest on-screen compliments ever uttered. It’s from the film As Good As It Gets.
It’s a breathtaking moment. Melvin (Jack Nicholson) finally tells Carol (Helen Hunt) what makes her the greatest woman on earth to him.
We all go through life never really telling people the best things about them. This might be with our friends, parents, and our love lives. What makes someone else feel special (and see us as special), is when they feel like we understand them on a level that no-one else does. Even if when you’re dating a guy you say “I really like the way you’re so considerate of other people. You always want everyone to feel good before yourself. I really admire that about you.”
Compliments like these (as long as they are true!) will resonate with someone, because they see that you are someone who notices the small actions they do everyday.
So my tip for today is to give better compliments. And for that you’re going to need some principles for doing it right. So here are three:
1. Always be specific
Just telling someone they are sexy is okay, but it’s kind of generic and impersonal. Tell them why they are sexy, or kind, or great fun, or whatever it is you want to say about them. If you want to tell a guy he is cute, tell him something specific about his looks, like “I love the little dimples on your cheeks when you smile.”
2. Focus on the little things
Compliments don’t have to be huge. The most meaningful ones can come from tiny things we do everyday. Maybe it’s saying “You make the best coffee in the world”, or “I love talking to you over breakfast. You always make me feel like I can really be myself around you.”
3. Make sure they are accurate
Don’t pull compliments out of thin air. Really think about the person you are talking to and what makes them great. Even if it’s someone you’ve known for a few weeks, you could just say what makes them so fun to be around. Is it their spontaneity, their kindness, their curiosity about the world?
What are some of the compliments that have stuck with you over the years? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments below!
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If you haven’t yet signed up to my home study programme ‘The Man Myth’, I really encourage you to check it out. The holidays will soon arrive, and wouldn’t it be great if you had someone to share them with!? If you start the programme now, you’ll be just in time! Check it out here.
I’m in a rock solid loving relationship but this was a great reminder to show him my appreciation & not take him for granted. Compliments are a great verbal reminder that you truly appreciate someone–this is something I could really work on.
Thanks for the reminder!
one of the most memorable compliments I’ve ever received:
Susan…you are an E Ticket….that was a hundred years ago when Disneyland had ticket books and the coolest rides were E tickets…charmed the pants right off me..in all ways!
The greatest compliment came from my best friend. She said she was thinking over who she could really turn to no matter what. Who would have her back. She said, “The only person I know would stand by me 100% always is you. And that’s the truth.” Then she started to cry over the phone. It is the best to have love and be loved that much.
I cannot think of a compliment from a boyfriend/hubby that stuck with me unless it’s: “I don’t think you realize how hot that is!” and “I cannot imagine you being anything but compassionate. You are a very compassionate person.”
A hi from Paris.Thx for your post. I guess we must be short enough in our compliments on 1st dates. cuz the guy will smirks inside saying: ” Man, she has fallen for me so badly and let`s rock on”, and unfortunately, as you continue to compliment him more and more, he backs off. Though this is not true for all guys, for some guys who are honest works well, cuz the poor one will get more and more attracted to you. All I wanna say is that, 1st try to get which type of guy are you dating with. If he is the one who is a lil bit mean or player, bear in your mind that he may make you beg for hearing a lovely word from his mouth. I`m saying this from my baggage of experiences gained from talking with 65 dates. lol.
Have a great week,and carry on helping ppl!
hello
i agree with you Mat compliments are important but (cause there is always a “but”) what about us??? We do need them too, it applies to women too. My question is what to do to make a guy occasionally -at least- tell me that.
My and my boyfriend are together for 10 months now and its been great, way we met was quite funny. I love spending time with him but he is no good in telling compliments and he knows it (just so we are clear, i never made that impression on him) few times he tried but it came out completely wrong, and every time he was trying saying something nice he was adding at the end: well i am not a poet i am programmist. I know it is quite funny but i need to be aknowledge i need sometimes to hear sometihng nice like a decent compliement. On top of that he is no good sharing feelings too, word love was never mentioned. I can see it in his eyes and in things he does like the way he holds me, looks in my eyes, talks to me. We are together for a while and i would think the longer we are the more confident he should be feeling around me. I am trying so hard to show him how important he is and how happy i am with him, how proud i am about things he has done, all i get after is “yeah me too” or “you are important to me too” and stuff. I may sound pathetic but i am getting so frustrated about it and having a chat about it with him is no option.I tried it. At the moment he is finishing his studies, working i know he is busy and i understand that but because of that he is spering me less and less time. I told him that i know about how busy he is and i want him to focus on his responsibilities but sometimes, just sometimes i am tired of understanding and i wish he would understand – all i need is a simple text from time to time when he is on the bus for example or in the evening at home. After i told him that he said we will spend weekend together, and he knows about al of it, he will spare me more time. We did spend a weekend together – well two evenings actually but its wednesday evening and again there is no message, phonecall or else since sunday. If all of that makes any sense to you then please i beg you tell me if and possibly what can i do to make it more…. well normal i guess is the word…
maria
Ha how appropriate for today have been complementing people like mad today just for the fun of it – my best one was telling my friend she has the heart of a tigress! I just had an amazing weekend in Liverpool doing the full Hussey and spreading the word like mad – especially the girl on the disastrous first date funnily enough she had him in the palm of her hand when i talked to her later after a ‘tension’ talk. Seeing what is wonderful in others helps you to see what is wonderful in yourself too, its about building confidence and learning to be more open without letting go of your strength I love your programme Mr Hussey and long may it continue…x
i’ve always been attracted to the “tortured artist” type. now, there’s a definite down side to that, but when a song, poem, or portrait is inspired by you, well, it’s hard to compete with that in the complement arena. but i’m trying to be gentle… ;-)
Matt, where have you been all my life?
This is such an amazing piece that I have been looking for for years. Thank you so much.
There was a guy told me that I have a pure heart cos Ive never meant to hurt other people and he asked me to never lose it. <3
I just couldnt find any good compliment to "pay him back"
This is really good advice! I’ve done given these sorts of comments a few times. Best not to say them too often to someone or I’d scare them a bit and think you’re obsessed I think…. :/
I remember this guy I was into was down on himself so I told him why he was such a great person and he returned with a “Thank you Shelby, you always know what to say :)” That was a good day. Thank you for the advice Matt! <3
I was recently dating a guy who could not do this at all… the best compliment he gave me was that I looked hot. I am over 50, you would think by now! I am no longer seeing him…My question is, is finding a guy different over 50?
Over 50 years ago, a young man i hardly knew, gave me a compliment that i have never forgotten. He said ” Your hair is so black and beautiful and when u grow old it will not be yellow like some hair does, but it will be beautiful pure silver.” Guess what, he was right. Today my hair is pure silver and i dont even remember his name, but i remember his unique and genuine compliment. He will never know that i carried his words with me always, what a wonderful gift he gave to me.
I played the clarinet in middle school and it was after a concert recital when my friend’s grandfather came up to me and told me I had an elegance about me in the way I sat and played. I was so surprised and grateful for the compliment that as you can see, it has stuck to me til this day.
Hi Matt, after reading your post I decided to text my man (dating for 7months)a true, from the heart compliment. I wrote: Just thinking about you. You make me feel complete when we are together and like something is missing when we are apart.I got a text back telling me how he appreciated the text and that I am always so good to him, with xxx. I could tell it made his day that truthful little compliment and his reply made mine.Thanks for the post, sometimes our lives get so busy we forget about the little things that can help a relationship deepen.
Hi Matthew (and all readers of get the guy)
Last spring I dated the greatest guy – unfortunately not for long. After the first date, he was very busy with his exams and children for several weeks, so he didn’t have any time for further dating. During the weeks I understood, I had completely fallen for him. I loved his passion, his honesty and his determination to achieve his goals as well as his way of being a parent.
Having fallen for him, I got very sad, when – after his exams – he texted me that he had realized, he didn’t feel anything for me, and he didn’t want to see me again.
I never got a chance to tell him, how I felt. I just replied that I was sorry, but I wished him the best.
After being sad for some days, I took a good look at myself, trying to figure out, if I would fall for myself, if I were to meet myself on a date – and I found room for several improvements. :)
I wrote down what I wanted to change and made a plan. I still work everyday to achieve the things I’ve planned. It feels so right working on being the best I can be.
Ironically him not wanting to see me again has turned out to be the best thing that has happened to me in a long time!
My dilemma is now that I would love to tell him, how he inspired me and how our meeting has helped me to turn my life in a different direction. But I can’t figure out how to do so in a good way!
I will properly never meet him again, if I don’t actively seek him, and I don’t want to do so, because it will make me look as if I’m desperate for a guy I hardly know. I’m sure he will not like that.
What would you do in my situation?
Hi Brita. if I was you, I wouldnt tell him anything. I think your improvement was initiated by yourself and not by the fact that he said no to you. maybe a rejection from any other guy at that time would have initiated the same positive changes in your life.
I think you shouldnt prize anyone for having rejected you! be a proud woman.
take care :)
Thanks Wow.
I didn’t see your answer before today.
You’re absolutely right. I shall just stay away from him. And I do. And do. And keep doing while I work on my project on becoming the person I would fall for myself.
Of course I shouldn’t prize anyone for having rejected me! You are right about that too.
I was properly just looking for an excuse to get to see him again. Stupid, I know!
There are a lot of other guys out there, and at the moment I feel quite a lot of them want to be with me.
But none of them make me feel the way he did. :(
Thanks again.
Hi Matt! I love you article! It reminded me a nice anecdote … Do you want to read it? Well!!..We were at a party, the boyfriend of my best friend and I, waited for her to stop arguing with her ex-boyfriend (a horrible situation and uncomfortable because neither he nor I were born in that city) … Suddenly! came semi friends from her and him joined us, they thought I was his girlfriend but he, gentlemanly but drinks a few beers told them NO! Martha is “cinnamon finer for me”! she is very pretty and sweet girl! killed me and I died,(WTH) since then is my platonic love! I stopped and went heheheheeee! I could grab him with kisses! and put together on a terrific fight! hahahhaa … They are still my friends each separately! They broke up, but I never told her what happened that night! she was very drunk and sad, I think it was her worst night but for meeeee it was the best night in a while! and those words will be “mine forever”! They were exactly applied! Thanks Matt made me remember something wonderful … It wasn´t the only compliment I’ve been told cute!mmmmm? thought I was the one who had said more! xD
Question? Miami will be have another event coming up? How can attend it? if it will be!
1000 wait not!! 10,000 Bisous, I miss you so much On Twitter! Have a great time!!! ;)
It’s one thing to seek advice from a love coach to improve your love life, and it’s another thing when you find yourself almost falling for that love coach for his genuinity and altruism towards women that he goes out of his way to help them in every way he can. Even with the little things.
Thank you so much Matthew. You never fail to amaze us. :)
Thanks a lot Matthew!!
You alway bring out the smallest details that make us feel like things are actually simple if we look at them deeply… I’m so happy for having the chance to read your great articles!!
Well, the best compliment I got was (In brief)…. “You are so pure”… From all of the compliments I heard in my life, this one was the best, I don’t know why – may be because it made me feel so good about myself… :)
Best of luck Matthew, and Thanks again!
Oh Mathew!!! You just have a way of bringing our attention to little things that really matter but sadly we take for granted. It is inexplicable to express how much I have been inspired by your articles. thank you so much for all that you do. I wish you happiness always :)
Dear Matthew and the GTG team.
I love this post because I’m pretty lousy at giving compliments and your post gets to the point whilst imparting knowledge that takes years to master. Many thanks for taking the time out of your hectic schedule to write such gem articles. This goes for all your entries of course. Meticulous attention to detail is something employers look for in their employees, a quality that is important to our work life. Your post helped me to understand that attention to detail is also crucial when it comes to our personal life. I think I might just start dissecting movies now.
Many thanks again,
D.
Thanks again! This really worked!(I tried it on my mom) Hope you will always post!!