He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…

It’s almost inevitable you’re going to get asked…

When you do, how do you answer?

Do you need to talk about it or can the topic be avoided?

In this week’s video I share my philosophy on the question, and how you can answer in a high-value way.

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105 Replies to “He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…”

  1. You better I scratch that itch…
    This totally made me think if the scene in The Wedding Singer when the old lady asks Adam Sandler if he had slept with anyone yet and she proceeds to tell him she had been with like 50 men before she got married. Anyhoo personally if I found out a guy had been with that many women before me I would think he was a prostitute and I say that only because I don’t find hookups attractive. I believe sex isn’t like the public pool not everyone can take a dip.,,just sayin

  2. Just Matt up to his old tricks…just like when you said the “Gem Effect” would be in the Keep The Guy program and….it is not….

  3. Actually, none. I have committed myself to saving myself entirely for my future husband. It’s not easy, but it’s a gift that is worth saving and giving to him someday. :) It’s my promise to him now, even as a 30 something single. It IS possible to do, it just requires commitment.

    1. wow…..you are a woman worth marrying…….girls dont understand that for guys… that is very important…

          1. Me as well!
            I guess we could answer something like “Let’s do it and later you may guess…” – LOL
            That would be either really funny… Or not. =P

      1. I will answer. Tell him! If it’s zero, do NOT be ashamed of it! People are doing reverse shame for those who are not sexually active. I know many a man who’s felt more connected with the women they’ve dated that EVERYTHING was new.

        I remember some of my ‘firsts’ were mainly rushed into because I knew I was reaching a certain age, or whatever, and so could not handle saying I had not done this or that; which is stupid. When I realized that I then decided I would have higher standards and if the guy didn’t want to even date me for my standards he could run to the next girl who he had the patience for.

        You don’t have to have an elaborate reason, but you shouldn’t be ashamed and worry about others having shame, simply knowing that you have standards.

  4. Why keep a number? Why value anyone you’ve been with or remember who they were? Wow.
    I think that if you can’t be open and honest and have shame of your past it will destroy the relationship.

  5. Good one. I have my story here. I’m kind of worried about a different question guys asked me on the first dates usually: When is the last time you dated somebody?
    Well my answer would be never. There are several reasons for this – used to be very shy as teeneger, then I did not know how to flirt, did not know how to interact with guys, so I found you as my coach. Now it is fine, I’m relaxed, I have dates and I believe first real relationship is coming. But men always ask me this question and I hate the question, because I’m worried what they will think when 29 years attractive woman tells them – you know I have never been in any relationship. I’m not worried because I would be insecure or lacked confidence, I just don’t want to talk about it because it is my past, I was different person and now it is present and things are different.
    I guess I have to come up with similar answer to this like yours in the video. True when I revealed in front of the guy that I’m worried about this, he made it a case, so I agree we have to be careful about answers to these questions. It is just extra hard, when your answer is – 0.

    1. Hi Petra! That’s an awesome story and I am so glad to hear the things here are working for you :) If you want to keep private the information from the past, then find a way to say it by mentioning that the relationship you’re in now is what you are focused on and the past ones don’t matter. xx

  6. I like being able to preempt what you would say in a response to the questions u ask, I almost knew the answer would go along the lines of ‘does it matter?’ It makes a fun exercise :) Then you put forward your points in an eloquent way which is great! In some ways my mindset is changing to think of the bigger picture of life, does anything matter? Like really… Becoming less detached to what isn’t real.
    Love the quote ‘less history, more mystery’

  7. Yes, Matthew, please answer Brittany’s question. What if a woman has decided to wait until marriage (for non-religious reasons), simply as a personal choice, should she say zero? Of course you can’t hide this entirely, because if she does end up sleeping with the guy–it will be her first time and he should probably know that for various other reasons. Besides he will likely find out anyway from her first-time awkwardness etc.

    You know people judge those who have partners and also those who do not, regardless of the reasons (religious, social, moral, cultural, personal). Can’t help it.

    Also, while I agree with you that this is not just an unattractive question but also a really useless one–because really–how does it ever help to know how many partners someone’s had—it just results in comparisons, insecurities, judgments etc.–don’t you think Matthew that what you have suggested sounds a little too evasive? I mean, if a person decides to sleep with someone, they have the right to know/ask for certain information. Of course, no one is obligated to disclose everything especially if they are looking something casual but if they say nothing at all–how is that ok? Sure, people can always fabricate but if there can’t be honesty in a relationship–then is it worth it?

    How does one build intimacy if one cannot be honest about this such things? What’s wrong with your number being zero, 2, 20 or 200? And what’s wrong if some people have preferences about the number of past partners. Different strokes for different folks.

    But why be evasive? Why keep a “mystery”? I think it is better to be honest and direct about it, state things simply and just move on.
    And if a partner gives you grief about it or cannot accept it–are they really a good match?

    Normally, I find your advice very helpful but this one just didn’t cut it. Personally speaking, I’m not sure I want this kind of “mystery”. I’d rather just get things out of the way and make them clear. If it doesn’t work for someone or if my partner’s number alarms me–it is not a match. But your answer just gives the impression of being evasive and that is even more unsettling. It would drive me nuts thinking why someone isn’t being honest about it.
    And also, how can someone not KNOW how many partners they’ve had? Even if they don’t have a number in their head, most people can figure it out quickly enough. Having sex is not like getting a haircut where you don’t bother keeping count because it is “boring”.
    No, they don’t have to keep a spreadsheet but if the number isn’t too high, losing count or not “bothering” just seems …a bit…I don’t know.

    1. Thanks so much Kish, he just replied!
      “I’ll be answering that question in a video within the next couple of weeks! xx”
      How exciting :-)

  8. Here’s a perspective, Matt, that I’m not sure you’ve ever touched on before. What do you suggest for the woman who’s still a virgin and has never slept with a guy before? How would you advise her in this situation? I personally like being forthcoming about it because I don’t look at virginity as a naive or stale/boring status of my sexual history.
    Just curious of your thoughts, even though I’m sure you won’t respond directly to me. Thanks for the videos and advice, as always!

    1. Me 3 (Would like to hear your answer… Not the number of people I have slept with ha!) I’m a virgin too and very proud to be and wouldn’t give myself away to any guy (as a ‘high value’ woman!) ;)

    2. I’d like to know too.. Please pick up this topic Matt.. you haven’t spoken much about virgins… except from don’t be incapable of expressing desire. It looks like several ladies here are interested in that.

  9. Funny video!!! Hey I just wondered if you have ever given any tips on this before if so I would love to read them BUT I’m on line dating and I’m getting a glut of this…..so I chat to a guy that I fancy, nice pics, good conversation and then within 20 mins or the next day it’s like send me some more pics of you (obviously I send fully clothed respectable ones) I even put up on my profile for a while “I’m not on here just for sex blah blah” but guess what it’s all about ONE thing for the majority of men they then either send me indecent pics or proceed to tell me what crazy stuff they are going to do to me…..it’s like sooooo boring and so predictable and then when you tell them that’s not my thing until later when I have built up some kind of chemistry with someone they make out you’re the one with the issue, I honestly feel like I’m just waiting for it now when I speak to guys. Also in the real world if you met someone I doubt they would be telling you that 20 mins into dinner or drinks. On a brighter note and because of this :) my lovely friend who is also an ex we decided to go and join an ex pats community in London as a way of meeting people and we went to the first one last night and it’s was brilliant such a nice way to meet people and I came away with 3 new friends and numbers, 2 of them were girls which was so nice to make new girlfriends too so I’m looking forward to the next one, it’s a bit like what you’ve always said go where normal people go and do things to meet people. Also my friend was very impressed with my networking especially with the girls :) so it was fun too!!!

    1. Not sure which sites you’re on, but the freebies (think plenty of fish) are notorious for attracting guys looking for a hookup. Paid sites tend to screen people usually looking for a bit more. Plus, I have found even on them you can’t wait for the kind of guy you’re looking for to find you. You gotta be proactive and 9 times out of 10 initiate the first email interaction.

  10. Here is what’s really wrong with this advice. I have a past, and parts of it were pretty horrifying to me. However what has helped to heal this is finding a man who is prepared to put his ego aside and work with me to let go of all that. My man is a total hero because he wants to know and because we have a level of honesty that puts aside the society imposed bullshit about female sexuality. Whenever we have opened up on stuff the level of intimacy and love has got bigger. And actually we started doing this really early on and as a result it’s got better and better between us, and believe me I really thought I couldn’t ever tell a man I loved some of the stuff as the shame was so deep. I recognise not all men are this mature, which is a shame that we as women have to compensate or compromise but for me he was worth holding out for. He’s honestly helped me see how loveable I am regardless of the ‘number’ and we are more sexy and loving because we have so much trust. The secret is not to wallow in it. If your man wallows in it, what else is he going to obsess over? Nope we look at it from both sides and move on. Big grown up stuff but it works if your brave enough.

    1. This is great conversation… the number question is totally misleading and doesn’t contribute to intimacy.. there are other questions and conversations….( and can depend on the social mores of where you have lived or even the decades).For healing reasons and integrity sometimes it is Ok to talk about the past- *like someone else said– as long as neither of you are wallowing in it)…..and long as your partner is ready for it you have a complicated past…but the number question is a red flag that such as person isn’t ready to hear it anything subtle.

  11. How about this, “It doesn’t matter, because no one else has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. You’re amazing, what you do to me just blows my mind and takes me to a level of ecstacy I’ve never experienced”. I think that would make him feel like the alpha male and would be the end of discussion. Unless he’s awful in bed, then he’ll do awful with more vigor. =0)

  12. Matt, glad to see you can carry a tune.
    My answer would be more than one since you know I’ve been divorced twice, but do we really have to go there and discuss this? I have no need to make you jealous, however, a good question in today’s world is when were you last tested?
    TO THE VIRGINS… if it is for religious reasons, just explain your beliefs. If for personal reasons, just say the truth: you are waiting for someone special to share that gift with and you realize it takes 6-12 months to evaluate someone’s character – how trustworthy and caring they are, and so on, but as of yet, no one has made it that far.

    It’s true, positive, high value.

  13. When I was in my 20s and new to sex, I did keep track of how many men I slept with it. Now I am in my 30s and don’t care and I think it would take me a few minutes to think about it.

    I do however get curious myself, mainly because I don’t want a man that’s slept with more people than I did. I mean, if he did, I wouldn’t break up with him but because I was a late bloomer sexually, I feel this is one area where I want more experience

    I find I have never had men ask me but I usually do. Is it ugly for women to ask this question as well?

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