Are you seeing someone who won’t commit but who doesn’t let you move on either?
You’re about to hear a phone call between me and a young lady who had this issue and wanted to know what was going on in his mind.
She was adorable and funny, just like this animation we’ve put together telling her story. You also get to see me portrayed as a detective getting to the bottom of the case…
Is He Ready to Commit to You?
This Conversation Will Help You Know for Sure.
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Matthew:
Julia, why don’t you tell us your question?
Julia:
Okay. Well, it’s a little complicated, but I’ll try to make it short. I’ve been with this guy for about two years. We broke up eight months ago. For the past eight months, I’ve been in competition with this girl online – a girl he never met, most likely a girl he’s never going to meet. I also recently found out he slept with his ex a couple of months ago.
So my question is, he keeps telling me, “I don’t want to commit. I don’t want to commit to a relationship.” But I feel like he’s committed to her because he’s always going back to her and me. So why is it so hard for him to commit? Or is it just he wants her because he knows she’s temporary, and he sees a future with me and that scares him? I don’t know. Why is it so hard for him to commit, from a guy’s perspective?
Matthew:
Okay, so he slept with his ex after he was with you?
Julia:
Right.
Matthew:
And he’s also been talking to this woman online?
Julia:
Right. And me. All at the same time.
Matthew:
Okay. How old is this guy?
Julia:
He’s 17, I’m 18.
Matthew:
Okay. So what do you think might be going on for him right now, as a 17-year-old young man?
Julia:
I don’t know. I feel like he’s just starting to mature, but why doesn’t he just let me go if it’s so hard for him to commit? And yet I told him, “Just let me go, because this is hard.”
Matthew:
Because he’s selfish.
Julia:
That’s what I thought. That’s exactly what I thought.
Matthew:
Because he’s selfish, and because 17-year-olds are selfish.
Julia:
Right.
Matthew:
That doesn’t mean all 17-year-olds are bad people, but if you want to come up with a bit of a stereotype, teenagers are selfish. By the way, he may be selfish for another 10 years, but he’s not essentially looking out for your feelings. He’s, right now, enjoying validation from every direction.
Julia:
Right. Oh, God.
Matthew:
It may be, he likes you so much he doesn’t want to let go – but caring about you would be to let you go, and he doesn’t care about you enough to do that.
And I think it’s good for you to experience selfish men at this age, because meeting a guy like this and feeling attraction for him is good, the pain is good, the rejection is good. It’s all very important, and I wouldn’t wish for anything else for you.
If you called me today and said… If I had a magic wand that could take away all of this, and make him right for you, and make him commit, and not have you have to experience being in competition for anybody, I still wouldn’t wave it. I would still want you to go through all of this and have this experience, because it’s really important for making you an interesting and developed person.
Julia:
Wow, you’re amazing. Oh, my God. Everything you just said was on point.
Matthew:
So have fun out there, Julia. Enjoy it. Don’t waste any more time here. You don’t have to be mean about it. You don’t have to cut yourself off from him completely if you don’t want to, but he’s not denying himself other experiences and you shouldn’t either.
Julia:
Okay. Got it.
Matthew:
All right?
Matthew,
A father would never say to his daughter that she needs to go to sleep with a one man, or over time more than one man, so that she can get her heart broken and learn how selfish men are. I wish you were a father. I think your advice would change. What a loving father would tell his daughter is that she is precious and she needs to understand that it is impossible for most men to understand how precious she is. So she needs to be careful because of the selfish men that are out there. And she needs to make sure that she has a best friend who has been committed to going through the ups and downs of a life with her for a long period of time. She needs to be told to wait for the god that has proven his faithfulness and loyalty and commitment before she gives of herself in a way that would allow her to get her heart broken to the fullest. Many women are so yearning to feel emotionally and mentally understood and supported. And in the absence of feeling a true soul connection, (and with the longing for that non-existent connection creating such a hunger), that people turn to the physical as a substitute comfort. people are sleeping with each other too soon because what they really want is a true mental emotional and spiritual connection with the person that is so fulfilling, but they aren’t getting it. If you sleep with a person it convinces you that you’re closer than what you really are. He convinces you that you’re involved in something that’s real. And our minds and hearts want that. But the pain immediately follows because sex doesn’t get followed up by true loyalty and love and connection. How much Julia went through is a horrible experience that is creating a deeper problem in her soul. What she needs to be told is that she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Julia needs to be told that she is precious and she needs to guard her heart with all diligence, because if she doesn’t it’s going to create a sadness that won’t go away. Women need to be made aware that they unconsciously substitute a physical connection for the mental and emotional and spiritual connections that are lacking. Physical connection becomes a deep craving when there is no balance in the other areas. And a father is going to want to protect his daughter’s heart. Please hear this.
What about if the guy was 48?
Once she said he’s 17 and I’m 18, I couldn’t watch the video.
Well … what about when he is 51yo?!
Does all that you said still applies?!?
Okay she’s a teenager, but what’s up with this happening with men in their late 40’s and doing the same thing this teenager did?
I’ve moved on and he is still texting me and emailing I me after I blocked him.
I have the same situation but he is 37 yrs old and he acts as same as this guy, 17 yrs. I can’t cut him off, go back and forth for over 2 years. I send a message to request a commitment from him and if he doesn’t want, dont text me back. At the end of the day, after two weeks, i texted him again just because i missed him so much and he came to see me…and then he acts the same like before, not caring and don’t want commitment:(
What if this was about a man who is 36 years old and still behaving in this selfish way?
Girrrrrlllll you are young! WHole wide world is ahead of you. You can now drop everything and go to Ireland and become a sheep shepherd for a year and it would be ok. I know that you wont be able to understand that till you’re much older – but know this – it is time for you! to develop yourself, find out what you love! – notice -what! not whom you love! If a guy comes a long who loves who you are – great – but you are the most important person now to find out how to be a good human being, a valued woman, loyal friend, loving family member. The guy you described…. if he would find a rarest diamond in his drawer… he would be convinced it is a piece of glass and he would throw it out! – that would not change the fact that it is a diamond – only that he was not able to recognize it’s worth. wait for the guy that will be able to do that!
Oh my, I really needed that. Not that I am in a situation like that, but I suddenly remembered how ruthless and careless I was at 18. I just walked away from situations or guys who were no good. That seems to have worn off with the years, but probably I should be more like my 18yr old self. :-)
omg I am in a similar situation – and the guy who I lived with for 2 and a half years, moved out a year ago but then keeps seeing me (and as I’ve discovered when one of my friends said he’d hooked up with her on Bumble!!!! – other women at the same time) is 52!! I wish I could let go and move on but I’m still in love with him and he knows it!
Ok Matthew, But that was a 17 year old. How about a 46 year old man? It has been ‘a fling’ for three years now, we know eachother for six and there has always been this connection. Two months ago I couldn’t take it anymore and pushed him out of my life. He said very very hard words that felt like knives in my heart. He says he can’t trust me, that I’m not trust worthy, that I have lies all this time and that I always wanted to claim him. None of that is true and I never gave him any reason to believe that. Now he claims that he never loved me at all.
We have been in separation before for month(s), but he always returns. When I’m in need he runs back to me to help. I don’t know what to do anymore. Love him with all my heart, but expressing that to him makes him lose his mind time and time again. Please help.
Oh great ,your example is about teenagers, right!? What should this be relevant for anyone except some 17yo teens ???
This video was ALMOST the same situation as mine. Except. I’m 49 and he’s 52. He always drags me into his life. Tells me he doesn’t want a relationship or live with anyone and my instinct about him and his ex common law have been seeing a lot of each other. He says it’s cuz he’s fixing her truck. But then I come to find out from his mom that him and the ex common law are goin to be moving in together this Christmas. I questioned him. But he shuts me off. Then he expects me to come over for sex.
So is this your response? He’s selfish. And if so. Then it’s NOT only 17 year old males who are selfish. Just men in general who want their cake and eat it too.
Too true , my guys 61 years ? I’ve stopped stroking his ego now but it’s hard to let go .
What if these two were older though? Life experience is important and I understand why you’ve given the advice you have, but what if this was 5,10,15 years down the track?
Great message…
Again
Love your work and mission to help people aroud the world with especially heartache ♥️ giving them perspective and higher meaning
Didn’t know you had only 4 fingers per hand doh
Women have a hard time finding the right guy because most of the programs today is based on changing the woman she can find Mr. Right. What about helping the men to be Mr. Right?
Is it the women’s fault that men don’t want to commit?
Educate our men. Make money off of men. Stop targeting us women. Basically we are the nice guys , the vulnerable group.
And by the way many of us women are not ready to commit either. We’re not as desperate as you make us out to be
I have a boyfriend who is 38 years old. We’re dating for about one year and three months. And I think this relationship I have is complicated because He didn’t text me for about one week or more. Every time I confronted him, he didn’t explain. He gave me different answers. And much worst he didn’t cooperate and many more. I can feel that he didn’t want a commitment. I can feel he didn’t like me anymore. But why is that he didn’t want to end the relationship even he is not committed to me? I don’t know what to do. Why he is not open to me, why he is so secretive? Why? Lots of things I want to add here but it will be long enough. I don’t know what to do?
I am a single 56 year old woman who just got divorced after 34 years of (dedicated on my part) to him and our marriage. For the first time in my Life… I am entering the dating scene and hearing about a 17-18 year olds dating behaviors do not pertain to me at my age. I would either like to hear information that will help me understand the dilemmas and helpful educational tips for my age group or I’d like a refund please.
So. I have a bit of the same situation. With 56 yr old man. We had been dating and living together for 8 years. I kicked him out after he would not make time for me. He would ghost me for days sometimes weeks. Yes while he lived in my house. Yes there us as he says a friend yes female. I told him that friendship is a deal breaker. Yet he says he wants to be with me but the constant ghost and only hear from him when he is broke or wants something. Gets old. The moment I start to move forward and let him go. He calls and texts. How do I get away from him. I dont hate him. In fact I do live him very much. But. I do deserve to be treated with respect and a whole bunch better.