“I’m just not ready to be exclusive with anyone…”
There’s no good way to hear that sentence from a guy’s mouth. Maybe he’s focusing on his career. Maybe he’s travelling the world this year and won’t have time for a relationship. Or maybe…potentially…it’s just his BS excuse because he wants to play the field and enjoy the sexual delights of the bachelor lifestyle.
All that matters is this…what does it mean for you?
I’ve seen so many women handle this conversation in TERRIBLE ways. They get upset, angry, emotional – giving up months and months trying to win him over and convince him to be in a relationship. I know this sucks, but I’m going to show you EXACTLY what to say in your response to a guy in this moment so that you feel empowered, confident, and in control of your romantic destiny again. Remember, it’s not what other people do that defines the quality of our love life, but how we respond to what other people do.
113 Replies to “He’s Not Ready for a Relationship? Say THIS to Him…”
Great advice, MAtt! I recently had the chance to use this response and while the opportunity wasn’t welcome we both walked away feeling great. I felt high value and looked relaxed. I know now that he isn’t the one for me so it worked out. Much love Matt!
My problem is just the opposite than your descriptions here…
Every guy I go out right away wants to marry me…
I don’t know how to choose the one that will suite me make me happy in the long run.
I’m 51 years old, my energies and looks are younger…I still get the looks when I’m out there…but don’t know who to choose.
(Facebook: Zahava Yamnik Sobel or business Facebook Zahava Sobel)
your video is a blessing for all women who are in this situation. I think speaking or writing these words are the best choice you have in order to handle the situation. These words will hurt, speaking them without choking will be tough because when you are in this situation you probably aren’t in a place where you really and honestly can mean them. Ladies, don’t let your anger and hurt rule this situation. Cry if you have to,mourn and then speak those words to him. It empowers you because you will show him you are mature enough to handle this emotional situation. He will later on think back and if not come back to you, he will respect you for that. And respect is the basis for a new beginning. Respect yourself and not let a guy’s insecurity shake your world.
Hi mathew.i have a great friend who told me the reactions of the girls when he tell them he dont want to be in a relationship atm. Just exactly like u said on the video;”Screw ***! “.
What the girls do not see that under layer that happy bubbly guy,he just been through alot in his life.there are times both men or woman need to solved their emotional issues alone. And not all men or woman want to do that because its hurt,time consuming, it does need courage to do that.
And its takes a big heart to understand that this something u cant push and rush.
i must say what mathew told us in the video its the most make sense for him.its very smart and classy answer. Thanks mathew!
MATTHEW:::: THANK YOU SOOOO much for these magical words :) !!
Unfortunately I just got rejected by this work colleague I’ve been flirting for the last couple of months and he told me this week that he didn’t want to be in any relationship
These words come to me in the perfect timing!
How do you still behave around that person? Do you try to distance yourself, be less flirty or just be polite? Or you keep behaving in the same way?
*(I know that he has been concerned that I was trying to distance myself/ignore him for the last couple of weeks because he went to my mates to see if he had done anything wrong – and that’s when my mates told him about how much I like him and as I didn’t see it going anywhere, I was trying to put distance in between!)
What do you think?
Thanks so much!
It just so happens that I have been thinking about this subject all weekend. My guy is loving and caring but he has a demanding job and wants to see me the minimum amount as his alone time in his house is very import to him. He really can’t relax in my house with my eleven year old son.
One other point that seems to be coming to a head is what I call the front line. When growing up your front line is your parents and your siblings. At adult hood most people move on and create their own front line, which is usually a partner and possibly children. The parents and siblings naturally move to the second line. But what I have found is that some people have difficulty making that move. The front line is still the parents even if they marry and have children, or they can never commit fully to a new partner and never hold down a relationship. The second is my current guy, the first is my ex husband.
I hope that using your technique I may be able to get my current man to think about things and make his decision. Then either I can get closer to being with a guy (him, or someone else) who is willing to give me the sort of commitment I want to give I return.
I’d love to know what you think.
If your standard is that you don’t want to be with him unless he will match your standard (that you want to be in a committed exclusive relationship), then don’t accept anything less.
That being said, why can’t he relax around your 11 year old son? Does he play the drums or is there a rock band in your garage ;)
It sounds a bit concerning to me that he can’t relax around your 11 year old son, did he mention that to you or are you extrapolating?
Regarding your ex, your ex is like my ex 1 and ex 2. It’s really painful to face the wrath of a spouse’s parents/family especially if you are brought up to treat them with high esteem and respect and to try to seek their approval (which sometimes is never happening). The hate is negative energy directed towards me, which would eventually have completely broken my spirit. I am sorry that you might have had the same experience. I think freedom is more valuable than being with any such man, because you become part of his family too – and there are people who end up committing suicide or experiencing domestic violence on the extreme end of such cases.
Every person has a bright light shining inside of them, and you should try to be around people who encourage you to glow.
If someone diminishes your shine, then protect yourself and remove yourself from negative situations and people.
I was SO upset after my ex decided to leave me that I locked my keys in my car TWICE. The same person came to help from Triple-A both times. The second time, I told him what was going on in my life and he told me that “I was still glowing” because I was still smiling. It’s the best compliment I think anyone has ever given me, and at just the right moment. Always glow, no matter what is happening in your romantic life.
Please help… I have purchased the ex back program but have a concern that isn’t addressed in the FAQ section. What do with a man that keeps breaking up with me? I’ve always ended up coming back to him and now it looks as though he thinks I’m always going to be available to return to. Even when he knew I started trying to move on and started seeing other people he ended up getting me back… Is there any way around this viscous cycle ? I really care about him and he has problems with having consistent work as he is a contractor and a family who take advantage if him financially .,, please help !
it sounds like you care for him but you should take care for yourself. Your relationship does not sound healthy. Maybe you want to step away from this situation and take a break and time for yourself.
Matthew, I agree 100% with what your saying, the words are so powerful and that’s why I wish that you would take the scenario further.
You don’t say if the expectation should be that he “see’s the light in that moment” and says whoa I almost lost the best thing I ever had and together you go forth to build a great relationship…
maybe he does take the time and he’s out of contact or in contact less than before
What’s the strategy there?
Since you (Matthew) know I really love this man and want his happiness (as well as my own) His absence is painful and now there is still the experience of feeling hurt and lonely – we don’t really want to look for someone new because “the heart wants what it wants” and it’s him the one we’ve given space to.
How long do we give the space?
Are there key milestones to look for to say:
– he’s doing the work he needs to to get things right first but he’s making a way back to you
– he’s discovered that his uncertainty was justified and he’s just not that into you
– what if you hear thru friends that he thinks you broke-up with him – so he’s moving on
Are there key things to look for that will help us know if we should remain hopeful for this Love or to start the grieving process because it’s over?
Thanks as always for the brilliant heartfelt advice.
Thank you Matthew! I really needed this right now.
I was in a relationship with a guy for over a year. We were committed to each other, in love, talked about the future. One day, without warning, he said to me that he doesn’t think he can stay in the relationship because he needs to focus on his own life and his career and didn’t feel its fair to me for him to be with me because I deserve someone who can be more available and commit more to the relationship. He said he loved me but just couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. It was literally out of nowhere, with no warning signs. I daid almost exactly what Matthew said in this video (with a few tears of course because I’m human). And he left. That was 11 months ago.
The reason for the comment is to point out two things.
1. Saying these things doesn’t make it hurt less, doesn’t heal your broken heart, and doesn’t erase the pain and loss you will feel for a very long time.
2. Saying these things doesn’t guarantee the man will come back or decide he was wrong about his decision. Sometimes when he says he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to be in the relationship, he means it and won’t be coming back.
So don’t wait.
I know that you are right, but what do you do if the “I’m not ready for a relationship” conversation has already come and gone?
I’ve been seeing this guy for a very long time, too long to be seeing each other and not be in a relationship, and when he said those words to me I sort of took your advice. I didn’t freak out, I just said “okay, I get it,” and then I stopped contacting him.
But after a couple of weeks he started messaging me again, asking to see me. It’s been a few months and our relationship is much better. I know he’s not seeing anyone else, he has a good stable, career, we have mostly the same friends and we act like a couple. Literally the only thing missing from our relationship is the title, but he STILL hasn’t brought it up again and I’m starting to think he never will, that we will just go on like this indefinitely.
How can I bring this up again without ruining all the progress we’ve made in the past few months? Should the conversation be different because we’ve already been through this once?
We know each other so well and we’re such a huge part of each others lives at this point that we would pretty much have to break up to stop seeing each other anyway.
But I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round I can’t get off.
I am wondering why you didn’t have the convo when he started contacting you after the first break.
Doesn’t hurt to bring it up and say exactly what’s in the video. But be prepared to walk away and give him space again.
If your standard is that you don’t want to be with him unless he will match your standard (that you want to be in a committed exclusive relationship), then don’t accept anything less.
My situation he was still in life with his ex.
This is Perfect.
wow this is amazing thank uuu so much
I have a question: what about when a guy is going through a divorce and he says this (topic of video) to you? (I haven’t heard you address dating a man getting a divorce.)
A lot of my friends say that he’s just not that interested; that he’d want to keep the connection no matter what if I was The One. They tell me that timing doesn’t matter when you meet the right person.
I’m thinking that the timing does matter in that they have to be in a place where they are able to make that connection – that you can be the right person for them, but they are not able to do anything about it because of their life situation – as during the divorce process or grieving the death of a spouse.
His behavior (and words) indicated that he’s NOT willing to make time and space in his life for a connection, and I had to let go. Yet, I know there’s care for me. I wonder if its because I’m NOT The One for him, or if its because of the timing (having a numb heart as he goes through a divorce ending a 25 year toxic marriage)as he indicated. Is it possible that there are just times when the heart is closed and numb and there is no possibility for anyone to make that connection? Or are my friend correct that if I was The One timing wouldn’t matter and he’s just not that into me?
Thank you so much for this piece on being able to walk away!!
I am a divorced 45 yr old with an 8yr old daughter and I have sole custody. I’ve been divorced for 3 years… My ex and his family are great!! He just has a horrible mental illness, lives in a home now and is unable to work. It is a really sad story… But I went to counseling for many years and got back to a happier place!!
I met a great guy… Was doing some landscaping on my yard… And we went to high school together just never knew each other. I knew he was married but we just had the best time talking and by the end of a week he had told me about his whole life… One divorce ( she got into drugs etc) and remarried the woman he’s with now to help raise his two kids, who are now in their 20’s. He told me he should’ve never married her as he only did it to help raise his kids as he had sole custody. His wife has been on her own since she was 16… Has no family or friends. His life is her life.
Needless to say.. We spent more time together.. We fell deeply in love. He ended up going to counseling with her just to make sure this is what he wanted, to leave and move on. They sat their family down, explained they were separating… Etc. I was so happy … Never felt this kind of love in my life… To hear how much he loved me… And said he wanted to take care of me… Made me feel over the moon!!
He eventually moved out… But was not living in a nice place… So he moved back home into a spare bedroom.. And this has been where he’s been since… So… A year goes by… Nothing changes. My New Years resolution was just to cut all ties with him. I am still crazy in love with him but this kind of relationship only makes me cry and get mad. I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore and if he ever truly moves out and is happy to get in touch…and if not I wished him all the best. He said he hates the idea of me dating. I hate it too but I feel like he’s never gonna move out and I have just wasted a year waiting. I’ve never been so heartbroken but I have to get myself back and try dating again.
So your video was PERFECT!! I will have to keep watching it to remind myself I’m doing the right thing cause it’s so hard not to talk to him!!
Thank you Matthew!! But can you tell me… Why would a guy get so far and then stop?? I think it’s cause he worries about her as she has no one in her life. Thank you!! Christine
The better question is why would you put up with this kind of relationship? Don’t you deserve more? Nothing good ever comes from dating a married man. What happens if/when you and he are finally together and he feels unhappy with you and is working on someone else’s lawn? If he’s truly unhappy in his marriage, he needs to get out of it….but not because you’re there waiting for him and it makes the transition easy for him. I’m proud of you for not talking to him anymore and YES YES YES!!! you’re doing the right thing. Keep doing it! Move on with your life. If he comes back around AFTER HE’S DIVORCED, then see what happens. In the meantime, DO YOU!
I always find your advice to be spot on. I find that I am handling situations with men I’ve gone out with in a much classier, much more effective way. It still hurts when you catch feelings for someone who just isn’t that into you, or who doesn’t want a relationship, but now I know that I’ve done what I could on my end. I know that I’m not driving guys away by how I’m handling myself or the situation. It really just comes down to not being a good fit for each other. Even when it hurts, it’s much easier to remember my value and my standards, pick myself up and put myself back put there, knowing I’m not sabotaging myself and my happiness at every step. And I’m sure the guys I’ve had to let down or walk away from appreciate my new ways of communicating as well. Thank you for helping us better relate to people, and see our situations with a clear head, rather than just fly around in an emotional tizzy all the time. :)
Hi, my relationship is complicated….when we first met he was the one that came onto m; he sorta was the driver in this relationship and I pretty much simply obliged because I was falling head over heels for this man, good job good looking built tall bald headed nice home nice truck plus a truck he drove to work and around town haul stuff and most of all he could do just about anything…..he took care of me. Now before him I was and still is an independent woman I work two jobs with a home of my own a car with a son…I left my home and moved in with him my son who was 20 at the time stayed in my home and kept it up and I continued to make sure my home was in order. As the relationship progressed he began to be aggressive to me about things that were right but I never liked how he delivered the message, but yet instill we would argue make up and be happy like normal couples do but my past caught up with me because one night I got a text from a flame that I thought was blown out he saw it and we argued he called the guy he got upset nothing went on between the guy and I I didn’t know he had text me or was going to text me I did not have a problem with leaving my phone around, but after that incident we have been going down hill because he doesn’t trust me….before that he was eating out the palm of my hand not to brag but he was very good to me he treated me like a queen but being a man about everything he did he wasn’t hen-pecked and that’s why I love him so….now at this point im demanding answers because it is going on 2 years and a couple of months that we have been together and one whole year of the two years we’ve been together it has been a roller coaster until as of now….all I want to know from him is are we together or not….throughout the rollercoaster ride we have broken up got back together just back n forth and he still does not want to validate that I am the woman of his life because there is nothing that I wont do for this man I treat him like a king….its just that text that changed everything about his feelings towards me I have apologized tried to make it up but during an argument he brings it up…..which it never ends good because he thinks that’s what I want to do I am faithful to this man because I am giving him some time to get over this its been a year and he is still stuck in the same spot when I don’t answer or text back he thinks of the text that guy has not got in touch with me since that night….he has trust issues I believe. He loves me and I love him is he scared or what…..we were talking about a future together husband and wife joining as one..he still wants me to be there and the whole nine yards but doesn’t want to make that commitment like we once had
What do I do?
That was one of the most brilliant videos ever, straight
to the point. These words are going to knock off the
self confidence of any player, commitmentphobic or
emotionally unaivalable guys and for the guys who are good,
but unsure, they will take as the girl has already bumped
them, unless they change their behaviour. That’s a powerful
wake up call.Thanks, Matt! You are brilliant.
Matthew, this was perfect. I am actually going through this right now. I have been dating this guy since July, and a couple of weeks ago he tells he isnt ready for a relationship. He wants to work on himself and become better. He told me he knew that is what he wanted before he started dating me, but he couldnt help it because he liked me. So after he told me he wasn’t ready, I told him I was really happy for him that he wanted time to figure out things for himself and to become better. I told him that I did deserve someone who didnt have to question about being with me. but since that conversation, we have still continued as if we are dating. So at this point, Idk if I should reiterate what you have said in this video because we both are acting the same. and I know that I am to blame for my part on acting the same, but I have feelings for him and it isn’t easy to turn that off and just stop responding to him. Bc he still calls and texts, etc. But I am starting to feel like we growing more together, and that if he still isn’t ready, then what I am doing this to myself for? If you have any advice on this I would appreciate it. Thank you for always helping me out! your advice means the world!
I know Matthew’s advice means the world, but Sydney’s is worth at least a river, lake, or pond.
Or an island.
I’ll take an island.
WHY haven’t you stopped giving him so much of your time, energy, and attention? If he is not your boyfriend, don’t give him the status of a boyfriend. Where’s the incentive then to be in a relationship with you, or even marry you?
When you have feelings, sure you want to be loving and it feels good to be loving. But this is when your rational mind needs to take over instead of the idealistic fantasies that may be playing in your head (We’ve all done it.)
I really need you to keep busy and marinate on what he texts you or wait to call him back. Daydream about what you will say if you must. But wait, that way you can also make what you say really delicious.
If you stop seeing him as often, your quality time with him will also improve.
Daydream in between dates if you must.
Then all of this together just might make him want more time with you and he might desperately want the honor or being your boyfriend.
While you are waiting, rinse and repeat the text/ call/ date delay method as consistently and frequently as it pleases you. And if someone else asks you out, please do go on a date. If he doesn’t claim you, you are not his. You can’t be blamed for going on a date. Don’t flirt or get physical if that’s not what you want to do. Or mention that other guys are asking you out, what should you do, should that happen. But casually. You don’t want to sound like you are blackmailing him into a relationship LOL
End of island vacation. Go home.
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