He’s Not Ready for a Relationship? Say THIS to Him…

“I’m just not ready to be exclusive with anyone…”

There’s no good way to hear that sentence from a guy’s mouth. Maybe he’s focusing on his career. Maybe he’s travelling the world this year and won’t have time for a relationship. Or maybe…potentially…it’s just his BS excuse because he wants to play the field and enjoy the sexual delights of the bachelor lifestyle.

All that matters is this…what does it mean for you?

I’ve seen so many women handle this conversation in TERRIBLE ways. They get upset, angry, emotional – giving up months and months trying to win him over and convince him to be in a relationship. I know this sucks, but I’m going to show you EXACTLY what to say in your response to a guy in this moment so that you feel empowered, confident, and in control of your romantic destiny again. Remember, it’s not what other people do that defines the quality of our love life, but how we respond to what other people do.

112 Responses to He’s Not Ready for a Relationship? Say THIS to Him…

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  1. Barbara says:

    For two years I’ve been seeing this guy. I have fallen in love with him. I tried to wait for him to say it first, but that didn’t happen. We have long talks about almost everything. He didn’t say it back. He said he was sorry but he’s not ready yet to say that. But that he cares for me more than I know. His life right now is crazy. He has been apart from his ex-wife for 7 yrs and divorced for 3. Their settlement she wanted $100,000.00. He was willing to give her half the property, but she insisted on money. He has given her as much as he could so far. At this point he could lose his property all together. Forcing him to have to sell it. His Mom and His Sister live on the property too. All of them have no where else to go. He feels horrible his hands are tied and feels like he’s letting his family down.
    Sadly, if he had fallen in love with me, I could of gotten the money for him. I couldn’t offer because he has never shown me he loves me. I would be a fool to give him that to pay off ex-wife and he could walk away at any time. I gave him money the first year because his well on the property needed repair. He never tried to give it back. I never asked for repayment. I just wanted to help. He never brought the money up ever. I tried to say goodbye about 4 months ago but he told me to be patient. We started hanging out together much more. I felt like we were more than 1 a week visits to 3 or 4 times a week. I finally felt connected to him. He made me feel wanted. Then in November, his ex-wife told him she’s taking him back to court. He stopped texting me daily. Lucky if I got a reply. He basically disowned me. Every now and then he would text and ask how I am. We haven’t been together since first week of December. Yesterday he texted me, at that moment I was putting my dog down. Crying and emotionally he kept texting. I agreed to go by his house. He held me and did his best to comfort me. I had to leave, it was so painful to be cuddled up with him. Just wish he could verbally tell me why he had shut me out.
    I’ve tried to be completely open with him, but still he won’t open up to me.
    What do I do?

  2. Louise says:

    Update: he responded with a smiley “‍♂️” so it appears I fell for the wrong guy :( :( :( My heart is bleeding

  3. Louise says:

    I just sent this message word for word to the guy that I’ve been seeing. We started talking online before we ended up meeting, we’re in the same career so that’s how we met. I ended up losing my virginity to him and after that he said that he isn’t ready to be in a relationship. He’s been avoiding the question and getting upset about it when I ask… I suspect he might be in an arranged engagement, despite him telling me that he is 100% single. He is Muslim and I’m Christian.

  4. TJ says:

    I recently met this guy and since day 1 he has told me that he can see me as a potential wife, and I would be a great girlfriend, but he just isn’t ready yet. He said he knows if something happened with us it would happen fast, he feels bad that he isn’t ready, but he just isn’t. So we continued to hang out, and kiss when we would hang out. I recently told him I didn’t think we should do that if we weren’t in a committed relationship as I need to guard my heart, he said he totally understood, and didn’t want to hurt me or cause me pain. Since then he has waited for several days to text me, and at Church he totally sat in another spot after seeing me, then called me over to sit by him. Since he hasn’t been texting me should I just let him go, or should I send him a text message telling him to let me know when he is ready for commitment to hit me up, and I will be praying for him and here for him? He has said from the very beginning that he is confused why we met right now since he isn’t ready, but if he was ready he would commit to me as I have all the qualities he wants in a wife.

  5. Prithi says:

    wow I said this and he word for word stated ” I thought about what you said and I def agree. my life is just too crazy right now to give you or anyone else the attention it takes to make a relationship work. Hopefully everything settles down sooner rather than later I suppose” and then added “I am down to hang out here and there so we can do that…as far as the effort lol…I am sorry I’m ust completely overwhelmed with life atm” honestly idk how to take that but I left him alone after that its been a week since we talked but still stalks me on fb and snap, and still goes on the dating site..it doesn’t bother me

  6. becca says:

    Why are you dating her, if your not ready to commit to her? I don’t see how what he is saying is manipulation. He’s saying to
    break it off and tell the other person your moving on.

    Sorry your not ready for a relationship don’t lead good women on by dating them.

  7. John says:

    I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, so I don’t date them. I don’t approach them, talk to them, or flirt. Why would I do these things if I’m never planning on following up?

    If a guy is flirting and asking you out, but says he doesn’t want a relationship (and you do), cut him loose. He is a player and must enjoy hurting women. Believe what he says, and tell him no thanks. Then delete his number and never contact him again.

  8. Joe says:

    I want to take a moment to say that this isn’t just for women. Being a gay man, I’m looking for advice for this type of situation for a man I fell in love with. He says he isn’t ready because he is still hurting from a breakup he went though 6 months ago and he’s afraid to rebound and needs to figure out what he wants. At the same time, he has developed feelings for me, and I can see that he isn’t being untruthful about that. He’s afraid to hurt me in the event that it’s a rebound relationship and nothing more.

    I know that if I were in his situation, this would most likely work on me too. I’m going to give this a try next time I see him and report my results here.

    So for all the gay men seeking advice on this scenario, and have only seen this advice tailored toward women, please stay tuned for my results.

  9. rue says:

    What if we’ve been in a serious relationship for nearly a year and a half now, and he shows he’s not ready for a relationship, yet I bring it up? He hesitantly agreed that he’s not ready, and I responded actually how this video suggests, because really, if he needs time to “work on himself,” by all means, it may be best to simply take a break. Perhaps when he’s in a better place, he can not hurt me as much as he has while in a relationship which he was never truly ready for. But his response was frustration at the idea of not being in a relationship with me. I knew going into this relationship that he wasn’t ready, and I said that before we started, suggesting we wait until he is ready. He insisted though, upset at what he took as rejection, and over the months since, I’ve seen how really not ready he is, especially since he was able to really hurt me via cheating with his ex. He talks about the future as if it’s just him, and we’re planning to get a place together, yet he says, when he gets HIS place, and talks about his own goals, despite my offers to help him reach them… I figure if he’s ready, he’s less prone to continue hurting me while he gets where wants to be in life. Even though he agreed he wasn’t ready, he still insisted on continuing, I guess because he’s comfortable receiving the benefits of this relationship — free food (I buy groceries and cook), half(and then some) on rent, and sex when he wants. Is he being selfish? Should I be more assertive in deciding on a break? How do we deal with this?

  10. Steph says:

    Just wondering how you’re supposed to act after you’ve said this. Are you supposed to not speak to him until he next contacts you or do you do a month cooling off no contact period then see how he feels after that? Or do you reach out to him a little later?

  11. Anne Onomyous says:

    I told my crush that I like him and he said he was taking a break from relationships right now but he likes ne too. I’m not certain that he actually does tho.

  12. Robert says:

    This is just manipulation if its not the way you really feel… I’m a guy and I’m dating a girl that is great but I’m not ready for a relationship. I am not emotionally available right now, my father died recently and I got divorced just 6 months ago. I need to work through it before a commitment like this. Its doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her, she is wonderful. I’m just not mentally able to be the person that she deserves.

  13. Kate says:

    I got the dreaded “I’m not ready to date right now” from a guy I really liked, I’d gotten this line from the past 3 or 4 guys I’d dated and it was starting to get really disheartening. I was starting to feel really unlikable. I just wanted to say something dismissive and bitter, like “your loss”…but I was getting tired of burning bridges. So I said the things in this video, in my own words, and I don’t even know if he’ll want to date me ever but that doesn’t even feel that important anymore. It just felt really satisfying to give a kind, sincere, self-respecting response to something that initially kind of stung. So thank you for this video, I’m glad to finally have a good response for something I seem to hear a little too often.

  14. karen says:

    I met this guys in September we hit it off great he moved to my hometown in December not to be with me he had already planned on coming back he just moved the process up because of me well he got here in December and came to my house and just ended up staying at my house because we wanted to be together all the time. Everything was good except he hadn’t found a job yet which he didn’t have to have one at the time he has money, but he is ocd and has to be doing something all the time. well we both came down with the flu and we both just got well over it and next thing I know is he said he depressed he’s moving to his brothers and he needs a timeout that we moved too fast this person has treated me like no other man and pursed me hard told my family I’ll hurt her she’s my princess. And now I haven’t spoken to him in 4 days. How can someone go from one extreme to another. I have been hurt so many times and didn’t see this one coming now I just want him out of my head and heart he promised me and he broke his promise it’s not like were are young adults we are 52. I just don’t know what to do at this point any advise would be appreciated. :(

  15. C says:

    I went thru this situation last November and I told him what Matt recommended though I rephrased it a little bit to be more personal. A day after I told him that, he started pursuing me again. Thanks Matt!!

    We’ve been friends for like 9 years btw. Now we’ve been talking for months and last Friday he asked me to be his valentine. And just today, he told me that he’s not ready (Again!) for a relationship because he’s so stressed out with his businesses, trying to balance his time with his family, best friends, employees and me. He said that he hopes that won’t offend me by saying he’s not ready yet. If we’re just friends, I ‘d definitely understand where he’s coming from because I know he’s really busy and I even sent him a letter 10 days ago telling him I appreciate that he spends time with me despite his busy schedule.

    I didn’t tell him I was offended or hurt because I don’t want to add more stress to his life. I care about him a lot and I’m actually falling for him. What should I do? :(

  16. Andrea says:

    WOW. Just went through this exact situation this morning, and thankfully, I actually responded point by point as you suggested! Nice to see tis little confirmation that I did it right. (:

  17. Chris says:

    I did exactly this! He responded with “wow you truly are a good person” I don’t like hurting anyone 100% and I am just far from wanting a relationship right now trying to focus on my son so I don’t mess him up. You made me feel so happy and thank you for showing me what I deserve” My response “maybe we will catch up again one day hope you find happiness you deserve it” in which he responded “wait can we still talk at all”
    I am unsure how to handle that or what just happened cause he didn’t want to talk before.

  18. Larni says:

    I’m so confused he’s the one who said he wanted to be in a relationship with me but then when I wanted to be exclusive he said he wasn’t ready

  19. So confused says:

    I get the idea behind this and it’s exactly what I have planned on saying to the guy I like. My question is will this just scare him into the relationship without really wanting it? Can romantic and/or real love actually form or will it always be one sided/md loving and wanting him more than he wants me?

    • Barbara says:

      Hi So Confused:
      It is by far the best way of putting it. It empowers you, and strengthens your respect for yourself, and to him. Men want to respect, and work for what they want. This is excellent advice.

  20. Melissa says:

    Been friends with a guy for a couple of years. Neither of us initiated anything but there was something there. Until recently I thought it might just be in my head. The other night we got drunk and finally things took off but he did make a point that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I didn’t see him for a couple of days and then I asked him if he wanted to hang out but he was busy so I told him to message me if he wanted to hang out after. Didn’t hear from him. He’s not great with texting and I want to say all of the things from the video (wanted to say that before I watched it but the video definitely was worded better). I doubt he will ask me to hang out and I don’t want to push him or come across annoying if I keep texting. How do I get to see him in person without pressuring him so that I can say all this?

    • Barbara says:

      Let things sit for a while. We women are very impulsive and impatient. Men need time to decide on things for themselves.

  21. Olivia says:

    My ex and I dated for 5 years and he moved to a different province that’s is like 3 hours on a flight . And at the time he moved I was in school just finishing up. Anyways we had planned on me moving there once I was done. However with nursing I had to also do the final national exam which took time for me to study and What not , so prolonging the moving even more. Anyways once I was done with everything school and we talked about me moving and his was like ” well “you” can’t move without having this amount of money and “you” need this and that. And along with that he wouldn’t respond to my text or calls.
    Anyways at this time I got the message and asked him that I was going to call him to talk and at that time I ended the relationship….

    Started focusing on m and what not and being happy one my own . 4 months of our breakup he was watching my everything social media. And even wished me happy birthday.
    Anyways after the 4 months he came back to the city that I’m in that he is also from . To tell me how much he missed me and how he regretted everything that he did or said and he couldn’t live without me in his life and all… so of course I believed him .. he asked me to move in with him and to start our life together but I was resistant to his offer as why now change your mind. Like what happened ??
    Anyways after 3 months of him just asking and asking and saying that the distance between us was killing him and he would like me to close ….. I finally took him up on his offer , I was like oh okay let’s do it then ..: and all the sudden his like oh yeah I just don’t thing I am ready for that , you know it’s a lot on me because your I wouldn’t have anyone in this new place I’m living in but me and that’s just a lot . And we shouldn’t move in with people without having established ourself . And I was like well you have a full time job and I can find a nursing job is just a matter of looking. And now the story has completely shifted . And I told him that I’m looking for jobs everywhere and where ever I get a job that is where I would go . And his like oh yeah that sounds like a good idea . I’m like the the fuck !! Why did you had to come back if you weren’t going to take things seriously, why disturb my happy and peaceful life ? Why why …. now is acting nothing happened and that we were cool . But I’m not a person that is half in and half out . I am not the person that can pretend that I am not annoyed. I am Beyond frustrated and I just don’t even know how I should approach the situation I’m just fullly mad .
    Please help me

  22. phebs says:

    I responded before i watched this video; but actually, girls, we all know what it really means, but we just do not accept that. If you really know that guy (no you don’t need to be the worm in his tummy) and like him with your heart, you know what he’s eyes on, at least. it is just too hard to accept at the moment and emotion come first before sense and we thought:what do you mean??? it’s not that hard, we just make it complicated for ourselves because we have too many imagination in our head and expectation…sigh…

    and for my response; i said i am sorry i make you feel i am crazy, but i am not crazy. (i just really like you.)<–did not say this tho.

  23. Christina says:

    I used your advice and the guy I want to be still asked me can he still take me out? What should I say?

  24. Jordan says:

    I’ve been seeing this guy for about 7 months. Omg he is amazing. In the beginning everything flowed and we hanged out regularly for 3 months. Then suddenly his life kind of got turned upside down and then we barely saw each other but kept in contact almost everyday. In may I asked if there was a reason he was avoiding me and if he was still interested. He said he cared for me but he truly needed to work on himself and figure out what he was going to do and create a better life for himself. That Well it seems like his life is getting back on track, well slowly and I again hang out with him regularly now (we have sex occasionally but not our priority). I wrote him an email basically stating that I didn’t want to be apart of someones life who didn’t want me the way I wanted them and it was hurting me that his feelings weren’t the same. He responded kind of negative saying, “so anyone you like that doesn’t give you want back right away is cut off because they are “hurting you”? I’m confused, but glad ur finding peace, sorry for any hurt I caused you.”

    we kinda went back and fourth after that. he said “i’m not out to date anyone at this point in my life, i’m not trying to sleep around either, I’m just trying to create a better life.” then things just ended up back how they were. We again hang out regularly. He texts me like a boyfriend would. takes interest in my life. Shares about his. I’m just straight up confused. The thing i always feel at ease and never even think about it. Cause it feels like we are dating but then i remember and it just turns my stomach. I’ve already fallen for him and don’t want to lose him. Is there anything I can do? I think to myself no matter what if i wait a year compared to now I’ll still be hurt the same. I just don’t understand. Weather it works out or not i don’t view it as wasted time, because I enjoy him company and friendship. He makes me happy, I just can’t tell if i’m truly seeing thing clearly. I feel loved by him and i don’t know why i need the satisfaction of the label or do i? Should I just be more patient? i just don’t want to cut someone one out of my life because they are trying to figure out there life. But i don’t want things to change. does there seem to be hope?

  25. Caroline says:

    I hooked up with a guy for a year. He had so many qualities I wanted in a future partner as well as gave me a feeling I never felt before. He never wanted more, we never hung out outside of the bedroom, and the only times I felt special were really…inside a bedroom. It felt like he was withholding himself from me because he didn’t feel anything special towards me. Yet, I still cared about him and probably gave him everything before he committed to anything. He wasn’t sleeping with anyone but he wouldn’t respond to my texts sometimes. I understand that I changed my mind and grew to care about him more while he never changed. Towards the end, I told him what I wanted and if he wasn’t on the same page, I had to move on. He told me he just wanted sex only until he feels the way he did with his ex, which was some years ago. He told me he doesn’t think I just want sex. I told him he was right. I wanted someone to also appreciate me. He never responded after that. Did I approach it wrong and not with high value? I still feel like he is the one for me because all our face-to-face interactions were fun and felt real and genuine. I’m having trouble moving on.

  26. Lisa Wilson says:

    This ia brilliant!

  27. Natalie says:

    Is it okay to say these words to a man over text? I just spent the night again with a man that I know I am fallin for, part of me thinks he is too. However, I point blank asked him why he wouldn’t date me. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed to get his life in check. I was unaware of these words to say I just said okay to him at the time. Is it okay to say these words over text?

  28. Sue says:

    Any advice would be awesome!
    So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months. He has been married for a little less than a year and the divorce was finalized almost a year ago. After a few times of hanging out we mutually agreed on deleting our online dating apps and that we wouldn’t see or talk to other people. We didn’t call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. But his friends (he has brought me around them a few times) call me his girlfriend and he never corrects them or tells them to stop. The last time we hung out everything was fine, he was very affectionate and wasn’t distant at all. The week afterwards he was very distant, only sending a couple texts a day and wouldn’t carry on a conversation. (He’s never been big on texting but would always hold a conversation and texted more than a couple texts during the day). When I brought it up that I felt that if I didn’t try to talk to him then I don’t know if we would even communicate, he told me he thinks it would be best if we quit seeing each other. That has been 3 weeks ago. He is now texting me apologizing that he doesn’t want to hurt me any further and that he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship. Told me he has been thinking about me the past couple weeks but also made him realize he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship. Made a point to say there isn’t another girl. Kept telling me that he feels bad for hurting me but doesn’t want to hurt me even more. But mentioned I could come back to his place to get my clothes that I left over there. He has never been a bad guy towards me (I’ve had my fair share and can spot one a mile away and he is not a bad guy). I’m just wondering based on these small details what others opinions on this is?

  29. Monique says:

    I wish I saw this video before my conversation with the guy I’ve been in a relationship with for 9 months. He told me after all this time he’s “been wanting us to be friends with benefits for a while now” but he refers to me as his girlfriend. I’m still hurt and totally confused. He saw that he hurt my feelings and apologized and wants to be with me, but the damage is done. I don’t know what to do now!

  30. Debi says:

    I said everything you told me,and he agreed!!! So now it’s over,!!!! I really like him and want him back,!! So much for your great advice…

    • Maja says:

      So Matthew saved you from a guy who didn’t really want you anyway. There’s no magic trick to change a guys mind or heart. But you can handle a situation best possible and try to create an opportunity for him to man up. We have to accept that not every person we want, wants us equally. That’s when we have to go on with life without getting bitter and saving our emotions (investment) for someone who’s worth it.

  31. Talls says:

    I wish I had seen this video before I heard these words. We had a FWB situation and I had asked what we were. We have been friends for years before we started being FWB and we talked every day. We went on a date and he agreed to a second one. But when I asked what we were, he said he thought we were friends. I explained that I thought it was pretty clear I wanted more than that. He then told me “I don’t know if I am ready to date again right now” (I think. To be completely honest, I have a hard time remembering what happened after he said friends) I told him “Alright, but understand we have to stop this then” to which he said, “Yeah, I understand.” I said I had to go and I left. About 2 hours later, when I was talking to another friend about what happened (because I am obviously upset) he texted me saying “I apologize if I offended you.” It has been 2 days now and I still haven’t responded. A mutual friend told me that I should make contact with him for about 2 weeks (he is also a guy) and said he would talk to him about it, get the guy I had a thing for the side then let me know what the next move might be. But at the same time, I still feel like he deserves to know that he didn’t offend me, I was just hurt. But I don’t know how. Does anyone have any advice?

  32. Fer says:

    Well… I met this Wonderful guy 8 months ago. We connected a lot, until the that he told me he loved me and I didn’t respond back with the same words. After that he became a little distant, even thoug he writes to me every single day. we haven’t seen each other that often. He did mention he was confused and probably going away to another city, so he didn’t want to have a serious relationship… this was a week before he told me he loves me (with tears in his eyes). Sooo I’m very confused… because we both value what we have, but he is not sure about his future. Should I say the same words you tell us to say, even thoug this was a month ago…
    what can I do…

  33. Happy says:

    I handled this by stating, well, I am not that type of girl and I have been there before. More power too you, its not for me to judge. We can still chat and be friends. He called me again and again and we laughed and flirted a little bit and 2 weeks later, he changed his status on all his social media and we are talking about marriage. Guys are confused sometimes but if they meet the right woman with the right chemistry it can happen, don’t get mad, whats the worst that could happen, uhmm, you have a new friend?? LOL

  34. Disillusioned says:

    The only book you need is He’s Just Not That Into You. You don’t need to change yourself or how you talk to men;be yourself but just don’t take any nonsense but also accept the man for who he is otherwise don’t be with him. And with online dating you don’t need to be approaching everyone. If a man is into you you know about it no games needed. And listen to your gut it will tell you every time.

  35. Disillusioned says:

    The problem comes when he ends it saying he’s too scared to fall in love then rings in tears wanting you back but is still not saying he loves you. Then coz you are HUMAN you accept him back and then have doubts and feel insecure.

    • dally says:

      this is so true. It’s exactly what’s happening to me. Dumps me, isn’t ready, then in tears comes back to me saying ‘crying for two days since it ended must mean something’. Not ‘I care for you’, not ‘maybe i have feelings’. Now he’s keeping me warm but basically not giving me anything except ‘maybe we have a future’ and ‘I need time’. I’m really getting sick of it.

  36. Deb says:

    Great response. Kind of used it and felt much more “high valued” -Thank you Matthew!


  37. Jennifer says:

    Hi Matt,

    Your video is brilliant. The words you say are firm, concise and not harsh. I wish I knew if it would work with my situation. Could you please advise?

    I was dating a guy for 4 months, a single father with 2 high-functioning kids, and things were great until Dec. Our dates were lesser due to the work rush before the Christmas holidays and also because he had the kids more than the ex who had taken up extra contract work for 3 months. I had no problems with his time being taken up by the kids, but what I didn’t like (and took up with him) was his dwindling communications especially when I asked if he had any time before Christmas for a catchup. He finally apologised and said that he was totally overwhelmed with the kids, work, debating with the ex over who got the kids on Christmas day, and that he just didn’t know when he would have time for me, and he was sorry about that because I deserved more attention than he could give. I told him I was not mad about the kids taking up his time, but I only wanted him to be more responsive when I message him. He agreed that was fair. We managed to have lunch on Christmas eve, and we exchanged presents, and we exchanged Merry CHristmas texts on that day, but when I messaged him Happy New Year on that day, he didn’t reply. I think I might have freaked him out with the note I wrote with the CHristmas present. I haven’t heard from him since, despite me sending him funny pic messages and finally at the end of Jan, I sent him one last text that said, ‘I missed you and if and when you are ready to talk, you know where to find me.’

    I still haven’t heard from him. Friends said I should give up on him, but I really think he’s the real deal. I don’t want to give up without trying to reach out one last time. I wish I knew what to do now. Please help?

    • Jennifer says:

      *high-functioning autistic kids

      sorry I missed one word

    • Rose says:

      If not having time for you “the real deal” do you want that…. and it takes only seconds to text someone and see how their doing . Value yourself enough to walk away,you deserve someone who will not ignore you . Someone who will cherish you always

  38. Mary says:

    Thank you so much for this video.

    I have been with my guy since July last year and thought that everything was great. I was away last week for a couple of days and when I last saw him a week ago the last thing he did was to hug me and said that I had a good trip and I said I’d call him when I got back on Friday.

    I tried to call him but no answer so I left him a message to say that I would meet him at our usual place yesterday. I never had a reply but didn’t think that their was a problem. (He isn’t good with phones in general only sees them as a necessary evil)

    We usually see mutual friends on Sunday’s and when I got there one of our friends pulled me to one side and said that he didn’t want me there when he arrived and he didn’t want to see me. I asked why but she said that he didn’t give any explanation. I have no idea if I have done anything wrong and if I have I can’t possibly think of what on earth it could be. The only vague guess I have is that a couple of weeks before hand, I made a quip to someone to politely move so that my ‘gentleman friend’ (my guy) could sit in his chair at work and he reacted negatively to it. I thought the situation was dealt with as we were fine afterwards.

    I’m utterly heart broken and I really don’t understand what’s going on. I know that he loves me and this is completely out of character for him.

    Do I try to contact him and if so can I use what Matt says to do in the video?

    Thanks for reading.

  39. Bela says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever had to wonder if a man wanted a serious relationship. When a man sincerely wants commitment HE will ask for it, and he won’t waste time. If he truly values you, he KNOWS that he has to move fast because he knows you’re just as valuable to other men. Be your gorgeous, classy selves, let him know from the beginning what you want, don’t ask or beg for commitment, if some guy can’t see ur value, move on. There are plenty of other men who will.

    • Nicole says:

      Hi Bela!

      I saw your comments on Matthews blog and liked your advice very much. I was wondering if you could help me with something if I may ask. Me and this guy have been un a LDR for a year. Hes in Israel (in the army) and I am in America. Everything has been great up until a few weeks ago when I sent him a sing I wrote and sang with my band. He was very impressed and asked for advice on how to record his brother as well (which I told him how to do). I will be visiting Israel in May and he knows I am coming to see him and up until a few weeks ago was very adamant about saying “how ling can you wait to come, just come already”, “its early Feb” etc…there have also been times where hes disappeared for a frw days to a week as he is busy in the army so I am kibd if used to that pattern. However, i feel like ever since i sent him my sing he has been particularly distant. We spoke 6 days ago and hes been adding so many girls on instagram/liking their photos. Every day hes adding 5-6 more girls and i dont know why. I know i am not there and men have needs but he said he loved me and wanted only me. The last thing I said to him was that he meant so much to me & that i cant wait to give him a big hug & kiss when i see him. He didn’t respond. I fear I may have scared him away because maybe he thinks he cant live up to me. I say that because he posted a pic on instagram w caption saying “everyone you meet can do something you cant, just modest, what the hell am i doing” and then another picture w his brother saying “my brother i love you” in english! He doesnt know english/only hebrew. We only speak in hebrew so idk.

      If you have any insight, i would appreciate and thank you :)

  40. Diane says:

    Wow hottest style you’ve got Matthew !!

  41. Cassandra says:

    Good advice. I wish I had seen this video before. When my guy told me he cannot be exclusive anymore (some lame excuses I won’t get into) What irked me was that he cried like a baby and asked me to hold him and comfort him when I was the one being dumped >< I didn't freak out, tried to make some jokes to lighten the situation, told him I understand he had to do what he had to do, but he needed to understand I had to erase him from my life so that I can move on and I cannot comfort him. I asked him not to contact me and asked him to leave. I thought I did pretty well.
    Now seeing this video I felt that what you presented here was better. lol… though I hope I won't have to use it with the next bf. Thank you Matthew.

  42. Sofia says:

    That was so profound Mr Hussey, thank you.

  43. Belinda says:

    Hey Matthew,

    So here is my scenio I’ve known this guy for over 20 years and we were just friends for many years. But our friendship has always been inconsistent over the years due to loosing contact, etc. About 9-10 years ago we got back in contact and he expressed that he’s always been interested in me. At that time I was in a committed relationship and was about to get married. I was given an offer at that time to relocate and marry him but I never took him up on it.

    We kept in contact off and on over the years I relocated and eventually my marriage demised. I’ve been single for a while now and he is just slower than most men I’ve encountered. He says all the right things but we live in different states and I expected more to have taken place by now. Being that we have history from teenagers. We haven’t seen each other physically in over 11 years. He says he wants marriage, family, ( I have 2 children), he has none. That he wants to be with me. He has a demanding job but I’m starting to think he’s moving to slow.

    Am I being hasty? Or I should cut ties and accept that we need to just remain as friends ?

    • Bela says:

      Actions speak louder than words. He’s all talk. He would’ve done something by now, to SHOW you he was ready for a commitment. Cut ties and move on.

  44. Renie says:

    Thank you Matt for your honest advice. I am dating a man who is recently divorced. He is attentive, we talk every day and see each other when possible but he recently changed his fb profile to “single”. Am I wrong to think that we are ‘in a relationship? How do I handle this?

  45. Tali says:

    Dear Mathew
    I can’t tell you how amazing that I just saw this video today because yesterday I had a two hour discussion with a guy about being “exclusive”
    He pretty much said “he wants to get more serious with me and see me more but he’s not sure if he can give me a commitment right now and he’s scared he will dissapoint me but if I can maybe have patience and wait for him”
    I replied “thanks for being honest, you don’t sound 100 percent ready yet which is fine, and I don’t mean to sound selfish but I can’t wait for you to be ready because you might be ready in five years” I think you’re An amazing guy but I’m looking for a Rs in my life so whether it’s you or someone else unfortunately I have to move forward.
    We said we’ll continue that discussion later during the week – to which im going to use the advice you gave :))
    And pretty much after that conversation he asked me to come over and we laughed but I said no.
    Still wondering if it’s a good idea to continue hanging out with him once a week? – obviously with no sex.

    • Kim says:

      I’m not Matthew :) but my opinion is NO. You should cut him off, let him feel the pain of not having you around anymore. If you don’t, you won’t be “moving on.” I’m admire you for standing up for yourself….I have to figure out how to do that better. But my experiences have taught me that the ONLY chance of it working out isn’t hanging around hoping they’ll change their mind….it’s moving on and if he values you and misses you enough, he’ll want to make sure he doesn’t lose you.

  46. Abby says:

    Hi Matt…thank you for your advice- I follow you religiously. I have been dating a guy for three years and he was honest and said I am not in a position to be committed. I did what you said and agreed that I will not be in a relationship with someone who is casually invested in me and that it is best we move on. However, we do that and he still calls and texts, asks me for dinner and always wants me to come over?? The same behaviours as when we were serious? I can’t just ignore the guy as that is just a game. What do I say now? I have tried to establish new boundaries. Problem is I love him and he still tells me he loves me? I think he wants to play the field. No other life issue to hold him up??

    • Kim says:

      So, basically, he’s getting everything he wants, right? Meanwhile, you’re “settling” for what little he’s willing to give. As hard as it is, I would hope I would have the strength to move on if I again find myself in your situation. As Matthew said, I deserve someone who’s ALL IN with me, just like I would be. I’m not settling for less than that, because at the age of 51, I’ve wasted far too many years waiting for men to commit, trying to convince or show them that I’m the one, etc. Now, if they don’t see it, I’m moving on to find someone who does.

    • Jennifer says:

      Change his contact name to “Won’t commit, do not answer” or something that will remind you what’s Really going on. When he casually texts, or casually asks to see you, you can see Mr.won’t commit is looking for a handout.
      Don’t fall for the trap.

    • Disillusioned says:

      He’s just not that into you. Move on.

  47. Mélissa says:

    I haven’t watched the video yet, but just by reading the comments I know you had a major impact in a lot of people’s love lives! Excited to watch!
    And thank you.

  48. Alex says:

    Who is Sydney? Is she associated with you? Weird, unwanted commentary.

  49. Ania says:

    WOW! This is it. I did it, but with broken heart. I was in soul pain very long time…but after all this I see myself,
    True Me ( much more than before ).I know I am amazing Creation and I want everything. I always accepted half, from what I should get, sorry it’s not working in long term…
    Problem is, that I meet many many men and I don’t believe, that I’ll find my guy…

  50. Teona says:

    Awesome advice !:)
    It was nice to run in to you today! You made me melt!:)

  51. Trinity Brooks says:

    I just recently found your page on Youtube. It is defiantly a plus when you get to listen to an attractive man with an accent through each video. Today I have an off topic question for you. I am a single mother of two girls at age 25. At this point in my life I am working on myself as a person so when I finally am in a relationship I don’t forget who I am. As a slightly younger single mother of two girls I feel torn sometimes with my age mixed with being a mother that it makes it harder to find someone. I don’t go out to the bar or really many places with out my kids due to doing it on my own. I keep my dating life and home life separate but how long is too long? What advice in the future can you give me when I am finally ready to open the dating part of my life back up? Especially when most all of my time is with my children. I also feel like then males around my age are not on the same page as me in life especially goal oriented but males that are way OLDER that are goal oriented and don’t mind children are well one too old, & for me a bit too boring. I am still 25. Life is about balance so how do I balance being a younger single mother & dating? God bless wish you the best in life and and look forward to more of your attractive videos.

    • Sydney says:

      You just do both. That’s how you balance.

      Get a babysitter, go on dates. You are young such that most men in the age group won’t want to get too serious or marriage age or anything.

      Balance means taking a night off being a mom at home, going out, flirting and having fun. Don’t get caught up in labels just yet. Focus on getting a balanced and varied schedule that includes a couple of dates on the calendar.

  52. Annie says:

    ❤️ This! Your best advice ever!!

  53. Patricia Heil says:

    THANK YOU Matthew!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. YOU are the Best!! I love you!!!

  54. Jenny says:

    I’ve recently met a guy on an online site. When we first started talking he told me that he would be leaving his job soon and not sure what his next move will be. We met and instantly hit it off. Lots of chemistry and a lot of butterflies (which I’ve not had in years). He’s been a gentleman and treating me well. I’m very happy. My gut is leading me to believe this could be something special. Last week he brought up leaving his job and the uncertainty of where he’ll go. Do you think that a modification of this could be good to tell him?

    • Lana says:

      Jenny, I tried putting myself in your shoes. For me, I can’t handle long distance relationships…especially if it’s someone I met recently ( we don’t have a strong enough connection and he’ll be dating others). I think a modification of this would be good. If he has to move away and he really sees you as someone special, he will make an effort to see you when he can and he’ll contact you regularly. Matt’s advice would reveal his true intentions.

    • Disillusioned says:

      What about if the separated man ends it bc he’s scared to fall in love again and you send the goodbye message then they ring and want you back but still not able to give you their heart? I accepted him back over the phone and am now confused and feel I let him off a bit easy.

  55. Lindsey says:

    I love this (!!) and while it is no longer applicable for me in this scenario, I do use it both with my daughter and boyfriend – affirming their actions and making them feel loved and secure even if their actions don’t align with what I want until hopefully they decide to try peas or drive 2 hours out of their way or whatever it is. I didn’t grow up this way so it’s hard sometimes, but ultimately I do try to respect what they need and make them comfortable and they choose the actions they want to take to please me. It’s more meaningful this way, just like your example of giving someone space for what they need in love. The concept works in a lot of ways. Xo ;)

  56. Jk says:

    This was awesome and on point. You are so generous, thank you!

  57. Leah says:

    I absolutely love ALL of the advice you give and have read my copy of “Get the Guy” many times! I can relate to the whole book! :) Of all the dating advice out there (and as we both know, there are tons!), I listen to, greatly respect, and try to follow yours the most!
    The past two times when dating have ended with me getting very upset bc they both told me they weren’t sure if they wanted a committed relationship or not. If I had’ve had this to remember to use as my response, I’m pretty sure things would’ve turned out differently! How do you know when the timing is right to have that conversation about being committed? Both times we had decided not to see other people, but neither of them wanted to say it was a “relationship”, or put a label on things I guess is another way to say it. But isn’t just seeing each other and no one else the same as a commitment? I’m 34 and have been divorced for 3 years, and it seems that ever since I’ve been back in the “dating world”, it becomes more and more complicated! What happened to simple and fun?
    Thank you for sharing all of your amazing advice on relationships! You rock!! :)

  58. Kathryn says:

    I was reading a piece on the work the Canadian President’s wife does on behalf of her NGOs and I thought of your work. You are entrepreneurial and great at selling your products and courses. But there’s a very serious element to what you are saying. Women making the right choices and adhering, stating their high values. There is an greater emphasis on social and emotional development in schools now, especially the more inclusive, diverse and forward thinking ones. Could your work be part of the curriculum in some way. We currently have a huge problem with violence and mal-treatment of girls and women today, largely not well handled or secret. The girls and women affected not only get into undesirable relationships but may become pregnant and have shattered lives, some being killed. I’m not suggesting you alone can stop this but I’m thinking your teaching of upholding standards, creating self esteem, creating life long learning, projects and a meaningful, independent life are all ideals young women of all spectrums in life should be encouraged to aim for and helped to achieve.

  59. Arwen says:

    Hey guys, this video is really beautiful ^_^! The softness of the light, the chocolaty background. The sharp clarity of focus on Matthew. The way the rich, dull colors make you fully aware of his eyes looking like a perfect shade of river jade; the fleshy pinkness of his mouth. So clear, you can almost feel the fuzzy stubble beard. The angle he’s sitting that excentuates his triangular male figure. Really great composition. Absolutely brilliant content. So elegantly put. Thanks for the great perspective, & beautiful artwork. <3 Yum! ;)

  60. Sara says:

    Thank you so much. This is perfect.

  61. Lana says:

    You’re the best dating coach, Matthew! :)

    Your advice is very thorough, analytical, and straight to the point…none of that watered-down, wishy-washy nonsense…

    Are you by any chance an INFJ? ;)

  62. Shev says:

    Hi Matt:
    Thank you for this week’s topic. I swear you’re psychic, because this is exactly what I needed to hear, this weekend.
    I have a person in mind and this is the situation we are currently experiencing. I had decided tti tell him to figure out what he wanted.
    And this is the perfect way to say exactly what I wanted him to know, conveying my standards as well as show that I still care about him.
    Thank you so much!!!! I truly appreciate these topics as well, as life strategies.
    Warmest Regard,
    Shev XX

  63. Marj says:

    Hi! Another brilliant post; thank you!

    If we already responded (…mmmm… reacted?) to a guy’s rejection in the classic emotional and embarrasing way (can you blame us given that this video didn’t exist yet?), is it ever possible to repair the low-value image of ourselves that we may have created? Or is our value permanently begged, cried, and yelled away? If there’s a timeline involved to potentially repair our value, what might it be?

    • Sydney says:

      Here’s what I would do…

      just be a mature, bigger person, call him up, and say “Hey, listen. When you told me that you weren’t interested in a relationship right now, I was very much into you and behaved in a way that frankly now surprises me. You are such a sexy and intelligent man and I’ve never met anyone like you. If you need some time to think it over, that’s okay. I wanted to reach out and give you your space on a positive note, because I want you to be happy because you deserve it. Let’s take a break from each other. Understanding that you are thinking over us being exclusive, I will move on as well. I’d hate for you to miss me and US because I think we have something truly amazing when we’re together. I only want your happiness and I respect your opinions more than anything.”

      Then I’d let him help wrap up the conversation – and start healing / being open to other people.

      You have to compliment him in this conversation and also express that you are surprised/ shocked at your reaction. You also have to make it clear that you are moving on , but you’d hate for both of you to miss out on what this relationship could be.

      Good Luck!

      Better to have a final conversation and move on than to not have tried.

      But this also reminds me of one person who I really liked who never called me back. I set myself a Tuesday deadline and told myself I’d stop wondering what could have been / waiting/ anticipating if he didn’t call by then. He didn’t call. I moved on.

      I think it was probably because the second time he called and I couldn’t pick up so I texted him I was spending time with my family. That might have come off a bit rude, but you know what, for every guy that doesn’t call you (or want a relationship) you can either spend (no, WASTE) a lot of time wondering or you can focus on liking yourself and being the best you you can be :)

  64. Linda says:

    Thanks for this – comes so timely, as I am feeling so manipulated by a guy whom I am dating for 3 months now, but never found the time to spend a weekend with me, always either travelling, or finding excuses…when I try to be more specific, he usually tells me how much he supports me, or how much he appreciate me, adores me, etc. and then I feel like a bitch for wanting to press him….And I tell myself, h, I should be more patient, more tolerant to his problems, because “he supports me” but in the end – he is never available for a weekend or a day together?!?!

    • Sydney says:

      My two cents – Any time I hear someone use the word “manipulate” when referring to a relationship, I think it’s best to leave. There are so many emotional games and strings that people can pull and games they can try to play. It’s just bad energy that is going to eat into your soul, eventually – if you don’t get away from it.

    • Pat says:

      I experienced it recently and it is not healthy. Someone who cares for you will make time for you. He doesn’t see you on holidays, weekends,or spend a day with you in 3 months time but only at his convenience, you need to think if this is what you need/want. It looks like he doesn’t want anything serious. Good luck.

    • Pat says:

      I have experienced this recently and it is not healthy. Someone who cares about you will make time for you. If he can’t spend holidays, weekends, or a day together with you in the past 3 months but only see you on his convenience, is this what you want/need? It seem like he don’t want anything serious. Good luck.

  65. Kalee says:

    Matthew, this was perfect. I am actually going through this right now. I have been dating this guy since July, and a couple of weeks ago he tells he isnt ready for a relationship. He wants to work on himself and become better. He told me he knew that is what he wanted before he started dating me, but he couldnt help it because he liked me. So after he told me he wasn’t ready, I told him I was really happy for him that he wanted time to figure out things for himself and to become better. I told him that I did deserve someone who didnt have to question about being with me. but since that conversation, we have still continued as if we are dating. So at this point, Idk if I should reiterate what you have said in this video because we both are acting the same. and I know that I am to blame for my part on acting the same, but I have feelings for him and it isn’t easy to turn that off and just stop responding to him. Bc he still calls and texts, etc. But I am starting to feel like we growing more together, and that if he still isn’t ready, then what I am doing this to myself for? If you have any advice on this I would appreciate it. Thank you for always helping me out! your advice means the world!

    • Sydney says:

      I know Matthew’s advice means the world, but Sydney’s is worth at least a river, lake, or pond.

      Or an island.

      I’ll take an island.

      WHY haven’t you stopped giving him so much of your time, energy, and attention? If he is not your boyfriend, don’t give him the status of a boyfriend. Where’s the incentive then to be in a relationship with you, or even marry you?

      When you have feelings, sure you want to be loving and it feels good to be loving. But this is when your rational mind needs to take over instead of the idealistic fantasies that may be playing in your head (We’ve all done it.)

      I really need you to keep busy and marinate on what he texts you or wait to call him back. Daydream about what you will say if you must. But wait, that way you can also make what you say really delicious.

      If you stop seeing him as often, your quality time with him will also improve.

      Daydream in between dates if you must.

      Then all of this together just might make him want more time with you and he might desperately want the honor or being your boyfriend.

      While you are waiting, rinse and repeat the text/ call/ date delay method as consistently and frequently as it pleases you. And if someone else asks you out, please do go on a date. If he doesn’t claim you, you are not his. You can’t be blamed for going on a date. Don’t flirt or get physical if that’s not what you want to do. Or mention that other guys are asking you out, what should you do, should that happen. But casually. You don’t want to sound like you are blackmailing him into a relationship LOL

      End of island vacation. Go home.

  66. Jasmina says:

    That was one of the most brilliant videos ever, straight
    to the point. These words are going to knock off the
    self confidence of any player, commitmentphobic or
    emotionally unaivalable guys and for the guys who are good,
    but unsure, they will take as the girl has already bumped
    them, unless they change their behaviour. That’s a powerful
    wake up call.Thanks, Matt! You are brilliant.

  67. Terri says:

    Hi, my relationship is complicated….when we first met he was the one that came onto m; he sorta was the driver in this relationship and I pretty much simply obliged because I was falling head over heels for this man, good job good looking built tall bald headed nice home nice truck plus a truck he drove to work and around town haul stuff and most of all he could do just about anything…..he took care of me. Now before him I was and still is an independent woman I work two jobs with a home of my own a car with a son…I left my home and moved in with him my son who was 20 at the time stayed in my home and kept it up and I continued to make sure my home was in order. As the relationship progressed he began to be aggressive to me about things that were right but I never liked how he delivered the message, but yet instill we would argue make up and be happy like normal couples do but my past caught up with me because one night I got a text from a flame that I thought was blown out he saw it and we argued he called the guy he got upset nothing went on between the guy and I I didn’t know he had text me or was going to text me I did not have a problem with leaving my phone around, but after that incident we have been going down hill because he doesn’t trust me….before that he was eating out the palm of my hand not to brag but he was very good to me he treated me like a queen but being a man about everything he did he wasn’t hen-pecked and that’s why I love him so….now at this point im demanding answers because it is going on 2 years and a couple of months that we have been together and one whole year of the two years we’ve been together it has been a roller coaster until as of now….all I want to know from him is are we together or not….throughout the rollercoaster ride we have broken up got back together just back n forth and he still does not want to validate that I am the woman of his life because there is nothing that I wont do for this man I treat him like a king….its just that text that changed everything about his feelings towards me I have apologized tried to make it up but during an argument he brings it up…..which it never ends good because he thinks that’s what I want to do I am faithful to this man because I am giving him some time to get over this its been a year and he is still stuck in the same spot when I don’t answer or text back he thinks of the text that guy has not got in touch with me since that night….he has trust issues I believe. He loves me and I love him is he scared or what…..we were talking about a future together husband and wife joining as one..he still wants me to be there and the whole nine yards but doesn’t want to make that commitment like we once had

    What do I do?

  68. Amanda says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I always find your advice to be spot on. I find that I am handling situations with men I’ve gone out with in a much classier, much more effective way. It still hurts when you catch feelings for someone who just isn’t that into you, or who doesn’t want a relationship, but now I know that I’ve done what I could on my end. I know that I’m not driving guys away by how I’m handling myself or the situation. It really just comes down to not being a good fit for each other. Even when it hurts, it’s much easier to remember my value and my standards, pick myself up and put myself back put there, knowing I’m not sabotaging myself and my happiness at every step. And I’m sure the guys I’ve had to let down or walk away from appreciate my new ways of communicating as well. Thank you for helping us better relate to people, and see our situations with a clear head, rather than just fly around in an emotional tizzy all the time. :)

  69. Christine says:

    Hi Matthew!
    Thank you so much for this piece on being able to walk away!!
    I am a divorced 45 yr old with an 8yr old daughter and I have sole custody. I’ve been divorced for 3 years… My ex and his family are great!! He just has a horrible mental illness, lives in a home now and is unable to work. It is a really sad story… But I went to counseling for many years and got back to a happier place!!
    I met a great guy… Was doing some landscaping on my yard… And we went to high school together just never knew each other. I knew he was married but we just had the best time talking and by the end of a week he had told me about his whole life… One divorce ( she got into drugs etc) and remarried the woman he’s with now to help raise his two kids, who are now in their 20’s. He told me he should’ve never married her as he only did it to help raise his kids as he had sole custody. His wife has been on her own since she was 16… Has no family or friends. His life is her life.
    Needless to say.. We spent more time together.. We fell deeply in love. He ended up going to counseling with her just to make sure this is what he wanted, to leave and move on. They sat their family down, explained they were separating… Etc. I was so happy … Never felt this kind of love in my life… To hear how much he loved me… And said he wanted to take care of me… Made me feel over the moon!!
    He eventually moved out… But was not living in a nice place… So he moved back home into a spare bedroom.. And this has been where he’s been since… So… A year goes by… Nothing changes. My New Years resolution was just to cut all ties with him. I am still crazy in love with him but this kind of relationship only makes me cry and get mad. I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore and if he ever truly moves out and is happy to get in touch…and if not I wished him all the best. He said he hates the idea of me dating. I hate it too but I feel like he’s never gonna move out and I have just wasted a year waiting. I’ve never been so heartbroken but I have to get myself back and try dating again.
    So your video was PERFECT!! I will have to keep watching it to remind myself I’m doing the right thing cause it’s so hard not to talk to him!!
    Thank you Matthew!! But can you tell me… Why would a guy get so far and then stop?? I think it’s cause he worries about her as she has no one in her life. Thank you!! Christine

    • Kim says:


      The better question is why would you put up with this kind of relationship? Don’t you deserve more? Nothing good ever comes from dating a married man. What happens if/when you and he are finally together and he feels unhappy with you and is working on someone else’s lawn? If he’s truly unhappy in his marriage, he needs to get out of it….but not because you’re there waiting for him and it makes the transition easy for him. I’m proud of you for not talking to him anymore and YES YES YES!!! you’re doing the right thing. Keep doing it! Move on with your life. If he comes back around AFTER HE’S DIVORCED, then see what happens. In the meantime, DO YOU!

  70. Katy says:

    I have a question: what about when a guy is going through a divorce and he says this (topic of video) to you? (I haven’t heard you address dating a man getting a divorce.)
    A lot of my friends say that he’s just not that interested; that he’d want to keep the connection no matter what if I was The One. They tell me that timing doesn’t matter when you meet the right person.
    I’m thinking that the timing does matter in that they have to be in a place where they are able to make that connection – that you can be the right person for them, but they are not able to do anything about it because of their life situation – as during the divorce process or grieving the death of a spouse.
    His behavior (and words) indicated that he’s NOT willing to make time and space in his life for a connection, and I had to let go. Yet, I know there’s care for me. I wonder if its because I’m NOT The One for him, or if its because of the timing (having a numb heart as he goes through a divorce ending a 25 year toxic marriage)as he indicated. Is it possible that there are just times when the heart is closed and numb and there is no possibility for anyone to make that connection? Or are my friend correct that if I was The One timing wouldn’t matter and he’s just not that into me?

  71. carolina says:

    wow this is amazing thank uuu so much

  72. Sydney says:

    This is Perfect.

  73. Sharon says:

    My situation he was still in life with his ex.

  74. Rachel says:

    I know that you are right, but what do you do if the “I’m not ready for a relationship” conversation has already come and gone?

    I’ve been seeing this guy for a very long time, too long to be seeing each other and not be in a relationship, and when he said those words to me I sort of took your advice. I didn’t freak out, I just said “okay, I get it,” and then I stopped contacting him.

    But after a couple of weeks he started messaging me again, asking to see me. It’s been a few months and our relationship is much better. I know he’s not seeing anyone else, he has a good stable, career, we have mostly the same friends and we act like a couple. Literally the only thing missing from our relationship is the title, but he STILL hasn’t brought it up again and I’m starting to think he never will, that we will just go on like this indefinitely.

    How can I bring this up again without ruining all the progress we’ve made in the past few months? Should the conversation be different because we’ve already been through this once?

    We know each other so well and we’re such a huge part of each others lives at this point that we would pretty much have to break up to stop seeing each other anyway.

    But I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round I can’t get off.

    • Sydney says:

      I am wondering why you didn’t have the convo when he started contacting you after the first break.

      Doesn’t hurt to bring it up and say exactly what’s in the video. But be prepared to walk away and give him space again.

      If your standard is that you don’t want to be with him unless he will match your standard (that you want to be in a committed exclusive relationship), then don’t accept anything less.

  75. Danielle says:

    I was in a relationship with a guy for over a year. We were committed to each other, in love, talked about the future. One day, without warning, he said to me that he doesn’t think he can stay in the relationship because he needs to focus on his own life and his career and didn’t feel its fair to me for him to be with me because I deserve someone who can be more available and commit more to the relationship. He said he loved me but just couldn’t be in the relationship anymore. It was literally out of nowhere, with no warning signs. I daid almost exactly what Matthew said in this video (with a few tears of course because I’m human). And he left. That was 11 months ago.

    The reason for the comment is to point out two things.

    1. Saying these things doesn’t make it hurt less, doesn’t heal your broken heart, and doesn’t erase the pain and loss you will feel for a very long time.

    2. Saying these things doesn’t guarantee the man will come back or decide he was wrong about his decision. Sometimes when he says he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to be in the relationship, he means it and won’t be coming back.

    So don’t wait.

  76. Bri says:

    Thank you Matthew! I really needed this right now.

  77. Christine says:

    Matthew, I agree 100% with what your saying, the words are so powerful and that’s why I wish that you would take the scenario further.
    You don’t say if the expectation should be that he “see’s the light in that moment” and says whoa I almost lost the best thing I ever had and together you go forth to build a great relationship…
    maybe he does take the time and he’s out of contact or in contact less than before
    What’s the strategy there?
    Since you (Matthew) know I really love this man and want his happiness (as well as my own) His absence is painful and now there is still the experience of feeling hurt and lonely – we don’t really want to look for someone new because “the heart wants what it wants” and it’s him the one we’ve given space to.

    How long do we give the space?

    Are there key milestones to look for to say:
    – he’s doing the work he needs to to get things right first but he’s making a way back to you
    – he’s discovered that his uncertainty was justified and he’s just not that into you
    – what if you hear thru friends that he thinks you broke-up with him – so he’s moving on

    Are there key things to look for that will help us know if we should remain hopeful for this Love or to start the grieving process because it’s over?

    Thanks as always for the brilliant heartfelt advice.

  78. Kirti says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Please help… I have purchased the ex back program but have a concern that isn’t addressed in the FAQ section. What do with a man that keeps breaking up with me? I’ve always ended up coming back to him and now it looks as though he thinks I’m always going to be available to return to. Even when he knew I started trying to move on and started seeing other people he ended up getting me back… Is there any way around this viscous cycle ? I really care about him and he has problems with having consistent work as he is a contractor and a family who take advantage if him financially .,, please help !

    • Angel says:

      Hi Kirti

      it sounds like you care for him but you should take care for yourself. Your relationship does not sound healthy. Maybe you want to step away from this situation and take a break and time for yourself.

  79. Katherine says:

    Hi Matthew,

    It just so happens that I have been thinking about this subject all weekend. My guy is loving and caring but he has a demanding job and wants to see me the minimum amount as his alone time in his house is very import to him. He really can’t relax in my house with my eleven year old son.

    One other point that seems to be coming to a head is what I call the front line. When growing up your front line is your parents and your siblings. At adult hood most people move on and create their own front line, which is usually a partner and possibly children. The parents and siblings naturally move to the second line. But what I have found is that some people have difficulty making that move. The front line is still the parents even if they marry and have children, or they can never commit fully to a new partner and never hold down a relationship. The second is my current guy, the first is my ex husband.

    I hope that using your technique I may be able to get my current man to think about things and make his decision. Then either I can get closer to being with a guy (him, or someone else) who is willing to give me the sort of commitment I want to give I return.

    I’d love to know what you think.


    • Sydney says:

      If your standard is that you don’t want to be with him unless he will match your standard (that you want to be in a committed exclusive relationship), then don’t accept anything less.

      That being said, why can’t he relax around your 11 year old son? Does he play the drums or is there a rock band in your garage ;)

      It sounds a bit concerning to me that he can’t relax around your 11 year old son, did he mention that to you or are you extrapolating?

      Regarding your ex, your ex is like my ex 1 and ex 2. It’s really painful to face the wrath of a spouse’s parents/family especially if you are brought up to treat them with high esteem and respect and to try to seek their approval (which sometimes is never happening). The hate is negative energy directed towards me, which would eventually have completely broken my spirit. I am sorry that you might have had the same experience. I think freedom is more valuable than being with any such man, because you become part of his family too – and there are people who end up committing suicide or experiencing domestic violence on the extreme end of such cases.

      Every person has a bright light shining inside of them, and you should try to be around people who encourage you to glow.

      If someone diminishes your shine, then protect yourself and remove yourself from negative situations and people.

      I was SO upset after my ex decided to leave me that I locked my keys in my car TWICE. The same person came to help from Triple-A both times. The second time, I told him what was going on in my life and he told me that “I was still glowing” because I was still smiling. It’s the best compliment I think anyone has ever given me, and at just the right moment. Always glow, no matter what is happening in your romantic life.

  80. Francisca says:

    MATTHEW:::: THANK YOU SOOOO much for these magical words :) !!
    Unfortunately I just got rejected by this work colleague I’ve been flirting for the last couple of months and he told me this week that he didn’t want to be in any relationship
    These words come to me in the perfect timing!

    How do you still behave around that person? Do you try to distance yourself, be less flirty or just be polite? Or you keep behaving in the same way?
    *(I know that he has been concerned that I was trying to distance myself/ignore him for the last couple of weeks because he went to my mates to see if he had done anything wrong – and that’s when my mates told him about how much I like him and as I didn’t see it going anywhere, I was trying to put distance in between!)

    What do you think?

    Thanks so much!
    Francisca xxx

  81. silvie says:

    Hi mathew.i have a great friend who told me the reactions of the girls when he tell them he dont want to be in a relationship atm. Just exactly like u said on the video;”Screw ***! “.
    What the girls do not see that under layer that happy bubbly guy,he just been through alot in his life.there are times both men or woman need to solved their emotional issues alone. And not all men or woman want to do that because its hurt,time consuming, it does need courage to do that.
    And its takes a big heart to understand that this something u cant push and rush.
    i must say what mathew told us in the video its the most make sense for him.its very smart and classy answer. Thanks mathew!

  82. Angel says:

    Dear Matt
    your video is a blessing for all women who are in this situation. I think speaking or writing these words are the best choice you have in order to handle the situation. These words will hurt, speaking them without choking will be tough because when you are in this situation you probably aren’t in a place where you really and honestly can mean them. Ladies, don’t let your anger and hurt rule this situation. Cry if you have to,mourn and then speak those words to him. It empowers you because you will show him you are mature enough to handle this emotional situation. He will later on think back and if not come back to you, he will respect you for that. And respect is the basis for a new beginning. Respect yourself and not let a guy’s insecurity shake your world.

  83. Zahava says:

    Hi Math
    My problem is just the opposite than your descriptions here…
    Every guy I go out right away wants to marry me…
    I don’t know how to choose the one that will suite me make me happy in the long run.
    I’m 51 years old, my energies and looks are younger…I still get the looks when I’m out there…but don’t know who to choose.
    Zahava Sobel
    (Facebook: Zahava Yamnik Sobel or business Facebook Zahava Sobel)

  84. KA says:

    Great advice, MAtt! I recently had the chance to use this response and while the opportunity wasn’t welcome we both walked away feeling great. I felt high value and looked relaxed. I know now that he isn’t the one for me so it worked out. Much love Matt!

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