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He’s Not Ready for a Relationship? Say THIS to Him…

“I’m just not ready to be exclusive with anyone…”

There’s no good way to hear that sentence from a guy’s mouth. Maybe he’s focusing on his career. Maybe he’s travelling the world this year and won’t have time for a relationship. Or maybe…potentially…it’s just his BS excuse because he wants to play the field and enjoy the sexual delights of the bachelor lifestyle.

All that matters is this…what does it mean for you?

I’ve seen so many women handle this conversation in TERRIBLE ways. They get upset, angry, emotional – giving up months and months trying to win him over and convince him to be in a relationship. I know this sucks, but I’m going to show you EXACTLY what to say in your response to a guy in this moment so that you feel empowered, confident, and in control of your romantic destiny again. Remember, it’s not what other people do that defines the quality of our love life, but how we respond to what other people do.

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116 Replies to “He’s Not Ready for a Relationship? Say THIS to Him…”

  • Thanks for this – comes so timely, as I am feeling so manipulated by a guy whom I am dating for 3 months now, but never found the time to spend a weekend with me, always either travelling, or finding excuses…when I try to be more specific, he usually tells me how much he supports me, or how much he appreciate me, adores me, etc. and then I feel like a bitch for wanting to press him….And I tell myself, h, I should be more patient, more tolerant to his problems, because “he supports me” but in the end – he is never available for a weekend or a day together?!?!

    1. My two cents – Any time I hear someone use the word “manipulate” when referring to a relationship, I think it’s best to leave. There are so many emotional games and strings that people can pull and games they can try to play. It’s just bad energy that is going to eat into your soul, eventually – if you don’t get away from it.

    2. I experienced it recently and it is not healthy. Someone who cares for you will make time for you. He doesn’t see you on holidays, weekends,or spend a day with you in 3 months time but only at his convenience, you need to think if this is what you need/want. It looks like he doesn’t want anything serious. Good luck.

    3. I have experienced this recently and it is not healthy. Someone who cares about you will make time for you. If he can’t spend holidays, weekends, or a day together with you in the past 3 months but only see you on his convenience, is this what you want/need? It seem like he don’t want anything serious. Good luck.

  • Hi! Another brilliant post; thank you!

    If we already responded (…mmmm… reacted?) to a guy’s rejection in the classic emotional and embarrasing way (can you blame us given that this video didn’t exist yet?), is it ever possible to repair the low-value image of ourselves that we may have created? Or is our value permanently begged, cried, and yelled away? If there’s a timeline involved to potentially repair our value, what might it be?

    1. Here’s what I would do…

      just be a mature, bigger person, call him up, and say “Hey, listen. When you told me that you weren’t interested in a relationship right now, I was very much into you and behaved in a way that frankly now surprises me. You are such a sexy and intelligent man and I’ve never met anyone like you. If you need some time to think it over, that’s okay. I wanted to reach out and give you your space on a positive note, because I want you to be happy because you deserve it. Let’s take a break from each other. Understanding that you are thinking over us being exclusive, I will move on as well. I’d hate for you to miss me and US because I think we have something truly amazing when we’re together. I only want your happiness and I respect your opinions more than anything.”

      Then I’d let him help wrap up the conversation – and start healing / being open to other people.

      You have to compliment him in this conversation and also express that you are surprised/ shocked at your reaction. You also have to make it clear that you are moving on , but you’d hate for both of you to miss out on what this relationship could be.

      Good Luck!

      Better to have a final conversation and move on than to not have tried.

      But this also reminds me of one person who I really liked who never called me back. I set myself a Tuesday deadline and told myself I’d stop wondering what could have been / waiting/ anticipating if he didn’t call by then. He didn’t call. I moved on.

      I think it was probably because the second time he called and I couldn’t pick up so I texted him I was spending time with my family. That might have come off a bit rude, but you know what, for every guy that doesn’t call you (or want a relationship) you can either spend (no, WASTE) a lot of time wondering or you can focus on liking yourself and being the best you you can be :)

  • Hi Matt:
    Thank you for this week’s topic. I swear you’re psychic, because this is exactly what I needed to hear, this weekend.
    I have a person in mind and this is the situation we are currently experiencing. I had decided tti tell him to figure out what he wanted.
    And this is the perfect way to say exactly what I wanted him to know, conveying my standards as well as show that I still care about him.
    Thank you so much!!!! I truly appreciate these topics as well, as life strategies.
    Warmest Regard,
    Shev XX

  • You’re the best dating coach, Matthew! :)

    Your advice is very thorough, analytical, and straight to the point…none of that watered-down, wishy-washy nonsense…

    Are you by any chance an INFJ? ;)

  • Hey guys, this video is really beautiful ^_^! The softness of the light, the chocolaty background. The sharp clarity of focus on Matthew. The way the rich, dull colors make you fully aware of his eyes looking like a perfect shade of river jade; the fleshy pinkness of his mouth. So clear, you can almost feel the fuzzy stubble beard. The angle he’s sitting that excentuates his triangular male figure. Really great composition. Absolutely brilliant content. So elegantly put. Thanks for the great perspective, & beautiful artwork. <3 Yum! ;)

  • I was reading a piece on the work the Canadian President’s wife does on behalf of her NGOs and I thought of your work. You are entrepreneurial and great at selling your products and courses. But there’s a very serious element to what you are saying. Women making the right choices and adhering, stating their high values. There is an greater emphasis on social and emotional development in schools now, especially the more inclusive, diverse and forward thinking ones. Could your work be part of the curriculum in some way. We currently have a huge problem with violence and mal-treatment of girls and women today, largely not well handled or secret. The girls and women affected not only get into undesirable relationships but may become pregnant and have shattered lives, some being killed. I’m not suggesting you alone can stop this but I’m thinking your teaching of upholding standards, creating self esteem, creating life long learning, projects and a meaningful, independent life are all ideals young women of all spectrums in life should be encouraged to aim for and helped to achieve.

  • I absolutely love ALL of the advice you give and have read my copy of “Get the Guy” many times! I can relate to the whole book! :) Of all the dating advice out there (and as we both know, there are tons!), I listen to, greatly respect, and try to follow yours the most!
    The past two times when dating have ended with me getting very upset bc they both told me they weren’t sure if they wanted a committed relationship or not. If I had’ve had this to remember to use as my response, I’m pretty sure things would’ve turned out differently! How do you know when the timing is right to have that conversation about being committed? Both times we had decided not to see other people, but neither of them wanted to say it was a “relationship”, or put a label on things I guess is another way to say it. But isn’t just seeing each other and no one else the same as a commitment? I’m 34 and have been divorced for 3 years, and it seems that ever since I’ve been back in the “dating world”, it becomes more and more complicated! What happened to simple and fun?
    Thank you for sharing all of your amazing advice on relationships! You rock!! :)

  • I love this (!!) and while it is no longer applicable for me in this scenario, I do use it both with my daughter and boyfriend – affirming their actions and making them feel loved and secure even if their actions don’t align with what I want until hopefully they decide to try peas or drive 2 hours out of their way or whatever it is. I didn’t grow up this way so it’s hard sometimes, but ultimately I do try to respect what they need and make them comfortable and they choose the actions they want to take to please me. It’s more meaningful this way, just like your example of giving someone space for what they need in love. The concept works in a lot of ways. Xo ;)

  • I’ve recently met a guy on an online site. When we first started talking he told me that he would be leaving his job soon and not sure what his next move will be. We met and instantly hit it off. Lots of chemistry and a lot of butterflies (which I’ve not had in years). He’s been a gentleman and treating me well. I’m very happy. My gut is leading me to believe this could be something special. Last week he brought up leaving his job and the uncertainty of where he’ll go. Do you think that a modification of this could be good to tell him?

    1. Jenny, I tried putting myself in your shoes. For me, I can’t handle long distance relationships…especially if it’s someone I met recently ( we don’t have a strong enough connection and he’ll be dating others). I think a modification of this would be good. If he has to move away and he really sees you as someone special, he will make an effort to see you when he can and he’ll contact you regularly. Matt’s advice would reveal his true intentions.

    2. What about if the separated man ends it bc he’s scared to fall in love again and you send the goodbye message then they ring and want you back but still not able to give you their heart? I accepted him back over the phone and am now confused and feel I let him off a bit easy.

  • I just recently found your page on Youtube. It is defiantly a plus when you get to listen to an attractive man with an accent through each video. Today I have an off topic question for you. I am a single mother of two girls at age 25. At this point in my life I am working on myself as a person so when I finally am in a relationship I don’t forget who I am. As a slightly younger single mother of two girls I feel torn sometimes with my age mixed with being a mother that it makes it harder to find someone. I don’t go out to the bar or really many places with out my kids due to doing it on my own. I keep my dating life and home life separate but how long is too long? What advice in the future can you give me when I am finally ready to open the dating part of my life back up? Especially when most all of my time is with my children. I also feel like then males around my age are not on the same page as me in life especially goal oriented but males that are way OLDER that are goal oriented and don’t mind children are well one too old, & for me a bit too boring. I am still 25. Life is about balance so how do I balance being a younger single mother & dating? God bless wish you the best in life and and look forward to more of your attractive videos.

    1. You just do both. That’s how you balance.

      Get a babysitter, go on dates. You are young such that most men in the age group won’t want to get too serious or marriage age or anything.

      Balance means taking a night off being a mom at home, going out, flirting and having fun. Don’t get caught up in labels just yet. Focus on getting a balanced and varied schedule that includes a couple of dates on the calendar.

  • WOW! This is it. I did it, but with broken heart. I was in soul pain very long time…but after all this I see myself,
    True Me ( much more than before ).I know I am amazing Creation and I want everything. I always accepted half, from what I should get, sorry it’s not working in long term…
    Problem is, that I meet many many men and I don’t believe, that I’ll find my guy…

  • I haven’t watched the video yet, but just by reading the comments I know you had a major impact in a lot of people’s love lives! Excited to watch!
    And thank you.

  • Hi Matt…thank you for your advice- I follow you religiously. I have been dating a guy for three years and he was honest and said I am not in a position to be committed. I did what you said and agreed that I will not be in a relationship with someone who is casually invested in me and that it is best we move on. However, we do that and he still calls and texts, asks me for dinner and always wants me to come over?? The same behaviours as when we were serious? I can’t just ignore the guy as that is just a game. What do I say now? I have tried to establish new boundaries. Problem is I love him and he still tells me he loves me? I think he wants to play the field. No other life issue to hold him up??

    1. So, basically, he’s getting everything he wants, right? Meanwhile, you’re “settling” for what little he’s willing to give. As hard as it is, I would hope I would have the strength to move on if I again find myself in your situation. As Matthew said, I deserve someone who’s ALL IN with me, just like I would be. I’m not settling for less than that, because at the age of 51, I’ve wasted far too many years waiting for men to commit, trying to convince or show them that I’m the one, etc. Now, if they don’t see it, I’m moving on to find someone who does.

    2. Change his contact name to “Won’t commit, do not answer” or something that will remind you what’s Really going on. When he casually texts, or casually asks to see you, you can see Mr.won’t commit is looking for a handout.
      Don’t fall for the trap.

  • Dear Mathew
    I can’t tell you how amazing that I just saw this video today because yesterday I had a two hour discussion with a guy about being “exclusive”
    He pretty much said “he wants to get more serious with me and see me more but he’s not sure if he can give me a commitment right now and he’s scared he will dissapoint me but if I can maybe have patience and wait for him”
    I replied “thanks for being honest, you don’t sound 100 percent ready yet which is fine, and I don’t mean to sound selfish but I can’t wait for you to be ready because you might be ready in five years” I think you’re An amazing guy but I’m looking for a Rs in my life so whether it’s you or someone else unfortunately I have to move forward.
    We said we’ll continue that discussion later during the week – to which im going to use the advice you gave :))
    And pretty much after that conversation he asked me to come over and we laughed but I said no.
    Still wondering if it’s a good idea to continue hanging out with him once a week? – obviously with no sex.

    1. I’m not Matthew :) but my opinion is NO. You should cut him off, let him feel the pain of not having you around anymore. If you don’t, you won’t be “moving on.” I’m admire you for standing up for yourself….I have to figure out how to do that better. But my experiences have taught me that the ONLY chance of it working out isn’t hanging around hoping they’ll change their mind….it’s moving on and if he values you and misses you enough, he’ll want to make sure he doesn’t lose you.

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