“I’m just not ready to be exclusive with anyone…”
There’s no good way to hear that sentence from a guy’s mouth. Maybe he’s focusing on his career. Maybe he’s travelling the world this year and won’t have time for a relationship. Or maybe…potentially…it’s just his BS excuse because he wants to play the field and enjoy the sexual delights of the bachelor lifestyle.
All that matters is this…what does it mean for you?
I’ve seen so many women handle this conversation in TERRIBLE ways. They get upset, angry, emotional – giving up months and months trying to win him over and convince him to be in a relationship. I know this sucks, but I’m going to show you EXACTLY what to say in your response to a guy in this moment so that you feel empowered, confident, and in control of your romantic destiny again. Remember, it’s not what other people do that defines the quality of our love life, but how we respond to what other people do.
Thank you Matt for your honest advice. I am dating a man who is recently divorced. He is attentive, we talk every day and see each other when possible but he recently changed his fb profile to “single”. Am I wrong to think that we are ‘in a relationship? How do I handle this?
Ask him if he is seeing anyone else and if not then whether you should be exclusive.
Hey Matthew,
So here is my scenio I’ve known this guy for over 20 years and we were just friends for many years. But our friendship has always been inconsistent over the years due to loosing contact, etc. About 9-10 years ago we got back in contact and he expressed that he’s always been interested in me. At that time I was in a committed relationship and was about to get married. I was given an offer at that time to relocate and marry him but I never took him up on it.
We kept in contact off and on over the years I relocated and eventually my marriage demised. I’ve been single for a while now and he is just slower than most men I’ve encountered. He says all the right things but we live in different states and I expected more to have taken place by now. Being that we have history from teenagers. We haven’t seen each other physically in over 11 years. He says he wants marriage, family, ( I have 2 children), he has none. That he wants to be with me. He has a demanding job but I’m starting to think he’s moving to slow.
Am I being hasty? Or I should cut ties and accept that we need to just remain as friends ?
Actions speak louder than words. He’s all talk. He would’ve done something by now, to SHOW you he was ready for a commitment. Cut ties and move on.
That was so profound Mr Hussey, thank you.
Good advice. I wish I had seen this video before. When my guy told me he cannot be exclusive anymore (some lame excuses I won’t get into) What irked me was that he cried like a baby and asked me to hold him and comfort him when I was the one being dumped >< I didn't freak out, tried to make some jokes to lighten the situation, told him I understand he had to do what he had to do, but he needed to understand I had to erase him from my life so that I can move on and I cannot comfort him. I asked him not to contact me and asked him to leave. I thought I did pretty well.
Now seeing this video I felt that what you presented here was better. lol… though I hope I won't have to use it with the next bf. Thank you Matthew.
Wow hottest style you’ve got Matthew !!
I don’t think I’ve ever had to wonder if a man wanted a serious relationship. When a man sincerely wants commitment HE will ask for it, and he won’t waste time. If he truly values you, he KNOWS that he has to move fast because he knows you’re just as valuable to other men. Be your gorgeous, classy selves, let him know from the beginning what you want, don’t ask or beg for commitment, if some guy can’t see ur value, move on. There are plenty of other men who will.
Hi Bela!
I saw your comments on Matthews blog and liked your advice very much. I was wondering if you could help me with something if I may ask. Me and this guy have been un a LDR for a year. Hes in Israel (in the army) and I am in America. Everything has been great up until a few weeks ago when I sent him a sing I wrote and sang with my band. He was very impressed and asked for advice on how to record his brother as well (which I told him how to do). I will be visiting Israel in May and he knows I am coming to see him and up until a few weeks ago was very adamant about saying “how ling can you wait to come, just come already”, “its early Feb” etc…there have also been times where hes disappeared for a frw days to a week as he is busy in the army so I am kibd if used to that pattern. However, i feel like ever since i sent him my sing he has been particularly distant. We spoke 6 days ago and hes been adding so many girls on instagram/liking their photos. Every day hes adding 5-6 more girls and i dont know why. I know i am not there and men have needs but he said he loved me and wanted only me. The last thing I said to him was that he meant so much to me & that i cant wait to give him a big hug & kiss when i see him. He didn’t respond. I fear I may have scared him away because maybe he thinks he cant live up to me. I say that because he posted a pic on instagram w caption saying “everyone you meet can do something you cant, just modest, what the hell am i doing” and then another picture w his brother saying “my brother i love you” in english! He doesnt know english/only hebrew. We only speak in hebrew so idk.
If you have any insight, i would appreciate and thank you :)
Thank you so much for this video.
I have been with my guy since July last year and thought that everything was great. I was away last week for a couple of days and when I last saw him a week ago the last thing he did was to hug me and said that I had a good trip and I said I’d call him when I got back on Friday.
I tried to call him but no answer so I left him a message to say that I would meet him at our usual place yesterday. I never had a reply but didn’t think that their was a problem. (He isn’t good with phones in general only sees them as a necessary evil)
We usually see mutual friends on Sunday’s and when I got there one of our friends pulled me to one side and said that he didn’t want me there when he arrived and he didn’t want to see me. I asked why but she said that he didn’t give any explanation. I have no idea if I have done anything wrong and if I have I can’t possibly think of what on earth it could be. The only vague guess I have is that a couple of weeks before hand, I made a quip to someone to politely move so that my ‘gentleman friend’ (my guy) could sit in his chair at work and he reacted negatively to it. I thought the situation was dealt with as we were fine afterwards.
I’m utterly heart broken and I really don’t understand what’s going on. I know that he loves me and this is completely out of character for him.
Do I try to contact him and if so can I use what Matt says to do in the video?
Thanks for reading.
Hi Matt,
Your video is brilliant. The words you say are firm, concise and not harsh. I wish I knew if it would work with my situation. Could you please advise?
I was dating a guy for 4 months, a single father with 2 high-functioning kids, and things were great until Dec. Our dates were lesser due to the work rush before the Christmas holidays and also because he had the kids more than the ex who had taken up extra contract work for 3 months. I had no problems with his time being taken up by the kids, but what I didn’t like (and took up with him) was his dwindling communications especially when I asked if he had any time before Christmas for a catchup. He finally apologised and said that he was totally overwhelmed with the kids, work, debating with the ex over who got the kids on Christmas day, and that he just didn’t know when he would have time for me, and he was sorry about that because I deserved more attention than he could give. I told him I was not mad about the kids taking up his time, but I only wanted him to be more responsive when I message him. He agreed that was fair. We managed to have lunch on Christmas eve, and we exchanged presents, and we exchanged Merry CHristmas texts on that day, but when I messaged him Happy New Year on that day, he didn’t reply. I think I might have freaked him out with the note I wrote with the CHristmas present. I haven’t heard from him since, despite me sending him funny pic messages and finally at the end of Jan, I sent him one last text that said, ‘I missed you and if and when you are ready to talk, you know where to find me.’
I still haven’t heard from him. Friends said I should give up on him, but I really think he’s the real deal. I don’t want to give up without trying to reach out one last time. I wish I knew what to do now. Please help?
*high-functioning autistic kids
sorry I missed one word
If not having time for you “the real deal” do you want that…. and it takes only seconds to text someone and see how their doing . Value yourself enough to walk away,you deserve someone who will not ignore you . Someone who will cherish you always
Great response. Kind of used it and felt much more “high valued” -Thank you Matthew!
Deb
The problem comes when he ends it saying he’s too scared to fall in love then rings in tears wanting you back but is still not saying he loves you. Then coz you are HUMAN you accept him back and then have doubts and feel insecure.
this is so true. It’s exactly what’s happening to me. Dumps me, isn’t ready, then in tears comes back to me saying ‘crying for two days since it ended must mean something’. Not ‘I care for you’, not ‘maybe i have feelings’. Now he’s keeping me warm but basically not giving me anything except ‘maybe we have a future’ and ‘I need time’. I’m really getting sick of it.
The only book you need is He’s Just Not That Into You. You don’t need to change yourself or how you talk to men;be yourself but just don’t take any nonsense but also accept the man for who he is otherwise don’t be with him. And with online dating you don’t need to be approaching everyone. If a man is into you you know about it no games needed. And listen to your gut it will tell you every time.
I handled this by stating, well, I am not that type of girl and I have been there before. More power too you, its not for me to judge. We can still chat and be friends. He called me again and again and we laughed and flirted a little bit and 2 weeks later, he changed his status on all his social media and we are talking about marriage. Guys are confused sometimes but if they meet the right woman with the right chemistry it can happen, don’t get mad, whats the worst that could happen, uhmm, you have a new friend?? LOL
Well… I met this Wonderful guy 8 months ago. We connected a lot, until the that he told me he loved me and I didn’t respond back with the same words. After that he became a little distant, even thoug he writes to me every single day. we haven’t seen each other that often. He did mention he was confused and probably going away to another city, so he didn’t want to have a serious relationship… this was a week before he told me he loves me (with tears in his eyes). Sooo I’m very confused… because we both value what we have, but he is not sure about his future. Should I say the same words you tell us to say, even thoug this was a month ago…
what can I do…
I wish I had seen this video before I heard these words. We had a FWB situation and I had asked what we were. We have been friends for years before we started being FWB and we talked every day. We went on a date and he agreed to a second one. But when I asked what we were, he said he thought we were friends. I explained that I thought it was pretty clear I wanted more than that. He then told me “I don’t know if I am ready to date again right now” (I think. To be completely honest, I have a hard time remembering what happened after he said friends) I told him “Alright, but understand we have to stop this then” to which he said, “Yeah, I understand.” I said I had to go and I left. About 2 hours later, when I was talking to another friend about what happened (because I am obviously upset) he texted me saying “I apologize if I offended you.” It has been 2 days now and I still haven’t responded. A mutual friend told me that I should make contact with him for about 2 weeks (he is also a guy) and said he would talk to him about it, get the guy I had a thing for the side then let me know what the next move might be. But at the same time, I still feel like he deserves to know that he didn’t offend me, I was just hurt. But I don’t know how. Does anyone have any advice?
I said everything you told me,and he agreed!!! So now it’s over,!!!! I really like him and want him back,!! So much for your great advice…
So Matthew saved you from a guy who didn’t really want you anyway. There’s no magic trick to change a guys mind or heart. But you can handle a situation best possible and try to create an opportunity for him to man up. We have to accept that not every person we want, wants us equally. That’s when we have to go on with life without getting bitter and saving our emotions (investment) for someone who’s worth it.
I wish I saw this video before my conversation with the guy I’ve been in a relationship with for 9 months. He told me after all this time he’s “been wanting us to be friends with benefits for a while now” but he refers to me as his girlfriend. I’m still hurt and totally confused. He saw that he hurt my feelings and apologized and wants to be with me, but the damage is done. I don’t know what to do now!
Any advice would be awesome!
So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4 months. He has been married for a little less than a year and the divorce was finalized almost a year ago. After a few times of hanging out we mutually agreed on deleting our online dating apps and that we wouldn’t see or talk to other people. We didn’t call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. But his friends (he has brought me around them a few times) call me his girlfriend and he never corrects them or tells them to stop. The last time we hung out everything was fine, he was very affectionate and wasn’t distant at all. The week afterwards he was very distant, only sending a couple texts a day and wouldn’t carry on a conversation. (He’s never been big on texting but would always hold a conversation and texted more than a couple texts during the day). When I brought it up that I felt that if I didn’t try to talk to him then I don’t know if we would even communicate, he told me he thinks it would be best if we quit seeing each other. That has been 3 weeks ago. He is now texting me apologizing that he doesn’t want to hurt me any further and that he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship. Told me he has been thinking about me the past couple weeks but also made him realize he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship. Made a point to say there isn’t another girl. Kept telling me that he feels bad for hurting me but doesn’t want to hurt me even more. But mentioned I could come back to his place to get my clothes that I left over there. He has never been a bad guy towards me (I’ve had my fair share and can spot one a mile away and he is not a bad guy). I’m just wondering based on these small details what others opinions on this is?
Is it okay to say these words to a man over text? I just spent the night again with a man that I know I am fallin for, part of me thinks he is too. However, I point blank asked him why he wouldn’t date me. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed to get his life in check. I was unaware of these words to say I just said okay to him at the time. Is it okay to say these words over text?
This ia brilliant!
I hooked up with a guy for a year. He had so many qualities I wanted in a future partner as well as gave me a feeling I never felt before. He never wanted more, we never hung out outside of the bedroom, and the only times I felt special were really…inside a bedroom. It felt like he was withholding himself from me because he didn’t feel anything special towards me. Yet, I still cared about him and probably gave him everything before he committed to anything. He wasn’t sleeping with anyone but he wouldn’t respond to my texts sometimes. I understand that I changed my mind and grew to care about him more while he never changed. Towards the end, I told him what I wanted and if he wasn’t on the same page, I had to move on. He told me he just wanted sex only until he feels the way he did with his ex, which was some years ago. He told me he doesn’t think I just want sex. I told him he was right. I wanted someone to also appreciate me. He never responded after that. Did I approach it wrong and not with high value? I still feel like he is the one for me because all our face-to-face interactions were fun and felt real and genuine. I’m having trouble moving on.