As Coca Cola would say… the holidays are coming.
The holidays are always an interesting time for the way we look at our love lives. They tend to make us add pressure that wasn’t there before in an effort to overcompensate for what hasn’t happened during the rest of the year. Christmas, Valentines, birthdays… all benchmarks of the year where almost by default we assess where we are in our love lives.
Though that doesn’t mean we assess where we are in productive ways…
We don’t start wondering if we could create a more balanced lifestyle between work and play, whether we should take more risks and let our guard down, whether we should learn more about the opposite sex so that we can truly engage with them in a way that enhances our attractiveness. Instead we ask the wonderfully unhelpful and ultimately soul-destroying question:
“Why am I still single?” (Or if you are in a relationship… “when am I going to finally get rid of this idiot??” Joke ; )!)
This question rarely creates empowering answers. Usually they are to the tune of “Because you’re not good enough/pretty enough/too fat/too old”, or “because there are no good men left/men are pigs who don’t want relationships” blah blah blah.
The notions that swirl around our heads are unhelpful at best, and confidence destroying at their worst.
As we lead up to the Holidays this December many people will be feeling a common feeling of sadness or loneliness; that they still don’t have the relationship they have been seeking. Passing through December we swiftly move through New Year into what feels like a long and painful Monday morning for most – January (commonly shown in research to be the most depressing time of year). That is followed by Valentines Day, another depressing and annoying time for most singles… and so it goes on.
When I talk about various products we have here at GetTheGuy I often use these checkpoints as motivators for people to take action. But I don’t use them because I think that they actually are important markers. The truth is they are arbitrary – just another day in the calendar. Who cares if we are single over Christmas? Who cares if we are single on Valentines? It really doesn’t matter.
But we feel like it matters because they remind people that they haven’t met anyone yet, quite mercilessly at a point when other people are coming together and showing off their couple-y-ness in front of everyone. (“Oh you’re buying that tie for your partner who you love so much and who loves you back? Screw you! I mean errr, that’s so sweet…”)
So why then do I use these dates to rouse people?
Because we all need checkpoints. We all need markers in time to make us consider how far we have come and whether we are on the path to our goals. Otherwise time gets away from us. Now I know that whether or not we are single is not a good measure of whether we have made progress in our love lives.
In the last six months we could have met great people, become better at flirting, feel sexier than ever and have a wealth of interest from potential partners, all of which would show we are doing a lot right. Or we could have none of those things because we really haven’t been growing in this area of our lives for some time.
Whatever the case, suddenly feeling sad around the holidays is not an appropriate response; it only leads to feelings of panic and desperation, which rarely leads to productive action steps. These feelings are more likely to lead to complaining, feeling insecure, and eating a lot more food than is healthy for any mammal to consume!
Instead I encourage you to do this: Assess your love life each day.
Ask yourself whether you really feel you are moving forwards, or backwards. Whether you are doing things that make it more likely you will meet someone, or less likely. Whether you are doing things that will enhance your confidence, or make you feel powerless. Everyday is a chance to move forward in small ways, and if we do, we won’t feel the need to reassess our entire lives every time the Holiday commercials start arriving on the TV because we’ll already be on our way to what we want.
Measure your life in the progress you make every day of the year, and when Christmas rolls around this year, just enjoy it!
P.S. If you want to take the next step above just reading the blog and really set in motion changes for your love life, I’d love to help you. My online programme is available here if you’d like to take a look.
Question of the day: What one thing will you do this month that will bring you closer to what you want in your love life? I’d love to know.