As Coca Cola would say… the holidays are coming.
The holidays are always an interesting time for the way we look at our love lives. They tend to make us add pressure that wasn’t there before in an effort to overcompensate for what hasn’t happened during the rest of the year. Christmas, Valentines, birthdays… all benchmarks of the year where almost by default we assess where we are in our love lives.
Though that doesn’t mean we assess where we are in productive ways…
We don’t start wondering if we could create a more balanced lifestyle between work and play, whether we should take more risks and let our guard down, whether we should learn more about the opposite sex so that we can truly engage with them in a way that enhances our attractiveness. Instead we ask the wonderfully unhelpful and ultimately soul-destroying question:
“Why am I still single?” (Or if you are in a relationship… “when am I going to finally get rid of this idiot??” Joke ; )!)
This question rarely creates empowering answers. Usually they are to the tune of “Because you’re not good enough/pretty enough/too fat/too old”, or “because there are no good men left/men are pigs who don’t want relationships” blah blah blah.
The notions that swirl around our heads are unhelpful at best, and confidence destroying at their worst.
As we lead up to the Holidays this December many people will be feeling a common feeling of sadness or loneliness; that they still don’t have the relationship they have been seeking. Passing through December we swiftly move through New Year into what feels like a long and painful Monday morning for most – January (commonly shown in research to be the most depressing time of year). That is followed by Valentines Day, another depressing and annoying time for most singles… and so it goes on.
When I talk about various products we have here at GetTheGuy I often use these checkpoints as motivators for people to take action. But I don’t use them because I think that they actually are important markers. The truth is they are arbitrary – just another day in the calendar. Who cares if we are single over Christmas? Who cares if we are single on Valentines? It really doesn’t matter.
But we feel like it matters because they remind people that they haven’t met anyone yet, quite mercilessly at a point when other people are coming together and showing off their couple-y-ness in front of everyone. (“Oh you’re buying that tie for your partner who you love so much and who loves you back? Screw you! I mean errr, that’s so sweet…”)
So why then do I use these dates to rouse people?
Because we all need checkpoints. We all need markers in time to make us consider how far we have come and whether we are on the path to our goals. Otherwise time gets away from us. Now I know that whether or not we are single is not a good measure of whether we have made progress in our love lives.
In the last six months we could have met great people, become better at flirting, feel sexier than ever and have a wealth of interest from potential partners, all of which would show we are doing a lot right. Or we could have none of those things because we really haven’t been growing in this area of our lives for some time.
Whatever the case, suddenly feeling sad around the holidays is not an appropriate response; it only leads to feelings of panic and desperation, which rarely leads to productive action steps. These feelings are more likely to lead to complaining, feeling insecure, and eating a lot more food than is healthy for any mammal to consume!
Instead I encourage you to do this: Assess your love life each day.
Ask yourself whether you really feel you are moving forwards, or backwards. Whether you are doing things that make it more likely you will meet someone, or less likely. Whether you are doing things that will enhance your confidence, or make you feel powerless. Everyday is a chance to move forward in small ways, and if we do, we won’t feel the need to reassess our entire lives every time the Holiday commercials start arriving on the TV because we’ll already be on our way to what we want.
Measure your life in the progress you make every day of the year, and when Christmas rolls around this year, just enjoy it!
P.S. If you want to take the next step above just reading the blog and really set in motion changes for your love life, I’d love to help you. My online programme is available here if you’d like to take a look.
Question of the day: What one thing will you do this month that will bring you closer to what you want in your love life? I’d love to know.
(Photo Credits: Robin Hutton, Funky64)
132 Replies to “The Holidays Are Coming…”
Matt…again OMG I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! It inspires me and makes my day :) really!!!! I laughed at this “Why am I still single?” (Or if you are in a relationship… “when am I going to finally get rid of this idiot??” Joke ; )!) ” hahaha
Sense of humor! ;) I like that specially in this time I’m going through…Anyways about your question…
:) What one thing will I do this month that will bring me closer to what I want in your love life?
Now I’m not in a relationship but what I always want is RESPECT and TRUST. Working on this is kinda hard when one of us forgets it…
As I’m single now… I can tell, since now I will try to respect others points of view when it’s about relationship.
For example, I don’t understand why some men like to do things that they used to do when they were single.
Such as find any excuse to look for new girls.
I’m from southamerica (Peru) and it’s so difficult to deal with open minded men.
Oh! Another thing :) came to my mind… I will try this so so so hard… but i will try… it’s about not expecting nothing from others…and also this can apply to my love life..right? :)
You don’t know how much your blog helps me to be positive. Thank you so much! I have been following you by a year.
Your awesome, next year I’m going to Germany I will try to go to England for one of your events!!!
Thank you again
Thankyou!! I would love you to go to one of our events, they are really special and you’d get so much out of it if you’ve been following the blog this long because you’ll already have some basic knowledge.
The thing about respect and trust is that you have to have your own standard internally for them, and then give other people a chance to show you the same. If they don’t the key is how you tell them that they have fallen below your standard. Many people do this the wrong way and end up losing people over an argument that could have been avoided. But as always emotion get’s in the way!
Don’t be too quick to make other people into the enemy, but at the same time respect what you know in your gut to be right. Be strong, but don’t be judgemental. When someone feels you are not judging them, just respecting yourself, it’ll do wonders for how they see you.
Thanks for being here and continuing to support me, a year is a wonderful amount of time to have a fan and I’m very grateful
No.1 thing that I’m going to do is to love myself more, enhance my confidence everyday!
Thanks for your online videos, they are indeed valuable and useful, I used to be so desperate in watching the next month video before it’s released..haha
I have learnt a lot from Matt this year, big thanks with hugs!!
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year in advance =)
Thank you Iris, you are so sweet! I have something coming up in the new year that’s going to blow you away. For now, let’s enjoy December together.
Thanks for all your support x
I definitely agree with measuring your progress each day. I think it’s great to enjoy the journey and to congratulate yourself on all achievements no matter how small. What do you think are some great rituals to do everyday that can contribute to moving foreword in your love life?
1. Talk to people around you everywhere – in shops, bars, restaurants, cafes…
2. Compliment people
3. Take time to make yourself look great everyday – just because you’ll feel sexy
4. Connect with friends and encourage them to introduce you to friends of theirs you don’t know
5. Have sex with at least one new person a day…JOKE!!! :)
Thanks for commenting Sarah xx
Ha ha ha, loved the advice to someone about having sex with one new person per day. Yes, that is a great joke. Sounds like fun though. Who doesn’t love sex? Anyway, I have been seeing someone who is coming off a long-term relationship. Sometimes he is closed off. It makes me crazy. I am really trying to just detach from my emotions with this situation but that is difficult as we are such a good match. The holidays suck because he has to spend them with his family. His daughter means a lot to him, thank God. I know I should probably walk away from the situation as he is not ready to commit. I’m confused! It does not help that my birthday is new year’s eve and I’ve always spent it alone except for once!!!
Hey Vanessa. That’s tough, but you have to look at it objectively and ask if he is meeting your needs. If he is, then be understanding of his commitments to his family and be happy that he is taking things further down the road with you. If he’s not in the same mindset of commitment as you right now, it’s something you need to think about. Don’t pressure him, but let him know that if he’s not looking to take things further you need to keep your options open to other people.
I have something coming in January that will really help you with these dilemmas. Stay tuned. x
Thank you! :) Love your insights!
This article has given another boost to my plan of being more open to a relationship, particularly at my work Christmas party with a colleague who I can tell is interested in me, and to resolutely move on from the unsuitable / unattainable guy that I was seeing for the last 2 years!
Fingers crossed I give him enough “I’m interested too” vibes for him to ask me out!
Great stuff C S, and if it doesn’t work out there’ll be another one! There are far too many people in the world to bother spending energy on unobtainable or unsuitable people. Both are a royal waste of time!
I know you’re right about this one I’m interested in right now :-)
I found myself trying on my party outfit last night, looking in the mirror & thinking “Well, given the way I feel in this… if he doesn’t ask me out, I’m moving on!”
Thank you for this post. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of 8 months I am dreading Christmas. But if I look at how far I have come in the last year and the steps I have made (and personal barriers I have overcome with regard to my love life) I realise I’m in so much more of a better place than I was last year. I just have to make the same progress next year which means being more social, learning more about guys and building (and rebuilding – breakups are hard!) my self confidence. Thank you!
One less present!!!
Ok bad joke, but sometimes you have to smile and laugh at these times. Break ups around Christmas can suck big time, or they can represent a new beginning. It can give you more time and energy to dedicate to family and friends (and yourself). Just make sure you get out with friends wherever possible this christmas, and look for all the love that is around you. When you see how loved you are you’ll realise your rock is not in him, but in everything that is constant in your life.
It’s possible for you to make this the best christmas you’ve ever had – make that your mission.
Mission accepted ;-) x
Love that! X
Hmmmm…what one thing will I do this month that will bring me closer to what I want in my love life?
I like that you only ask for one, as it would be a recipe for overwhelm to try to do a bunch of things. My one thing is to smile more. I used to all the time at the guys I found attractive / interesting. For some reason I’ve shied away from it…which I’m only now just realizing.
What do you think?!
:) love your work, but you already know that!
Like that you picked up on the overwhelm lesson Carley, great stuff. Smiling is good always, and I’ve seen the transition from not smiling to smiling single handedly transform peoples love lives. And even though it seems like a small thing to some people, it’s a big deal to do it if you’ve gotten out of the habit. So in keeping with your astute point about overwhelm, I will not add a suggestion, instead I will say use that one tip this month to the best of your ability and see what it brings.
Thanks for commenting x
Thanks Matthew a timely reminder not to panic and keep grounded the one thing iwould do is look after me when im happy i radiate much better and things come to me in a different way xxxx
Exactly Rebecca! Thanks for commenting xx
Thanks for getting me even more inspired to make changes in my life.
I have a question for you. I am trying to improve my flirting skills. Do you have any tips on how I can become great at flirting?
Flirting is a combination of demonstrating interest, teasing someone, and acting with a sexual energy.
It can be done through various methods. Touch is a great one – physical rapport is a cornerstone of intimacy. You can use tone of voice – put a more playful/cheeky tone in your speech. Think of the tone you have when you are teasing someone, or the tone you have when someone is teasing you and you are ‘acting’ like they are being mean (with a wink of course). Eye contact is great – try using your eyes more slowly, looking away less, and smiling and looking at his lips every now and again while he’s talking.
There are many more but those can get you started for now. Flirting is all about the little things you do in every millisecond. If you miss one remember there’s another chance in the next second!
To be honest, I’d love to hear the ‘many more’ flirting ideas, especially what statements are teasing and playful. Unless you are great at flirting (which I’m not! :) ), I feel that teasing can come across as sarcastic and not in a good way.
It would be great to read a blog post or see a video on Breaking Rapport with VERY specific statements and ideas like the ones you mentioned above. I’ve done the FTTMR program and this is still the one area I feel clueless about!
Love all you do!
It’s a great question, I will try my best to work it into a new blog post for you!
So glad you did the programme!
do you think that time is really going fast?or we just have to take it easy and relax?
Time isn’t going fast or slow, but it is going. Time is limited for all of us. Does that mean we should act frantic? NO. There’s no fun in panic. Does it mean we should value every minute? Absolutely. Sometimes valuing time does mean taking it easy and relaxing. That can be a goal in itself. At other times it means building skills, meeting people, seeing places, having unique experiences.
One tip: The next time you are ‘relaxing’ check that that it’s because you are truly enjoying it and it’s contributing towards your happiness, instead of just making you ‘comfortable’. There’s a big difference.
I agree you can’t just reflect on being single, but generally it is a marker for life development. My whole family unit is affected as both me and my sister are still single, so it’s very stagnant. We’re not likely to mope about the general fact – we’re all upbeat people! But we’ve tried so hard all year and so little movement that we feel more drained and defeated about that than just being single. Trying to Improve the social life is the most depressing. So many people are so boring. its been a struggle to even go for a coffee! I hate Xmas not cos I’m single, but cos nothing moves on or changes at my family home and theres no kids. I escape to friends with kids usually- so much more fun. You see can’t mope twith kids around.
Trying to make a relationship or kids ‘happen’ is like trying to make a million dollars tomorrow without having a business to start with. We can’t begin at the end. I know you don’t want to hear tired cliches about meeting more people and developing your social circle in order to start moving towards the results you want, since you seem pretty frustrated with people! One thing I will say is this…
In the last few months I moved and left my family and friends, to build a new life in a new location. In doing so I had to meet a whole new group of people (and still am). I have met so many amazing people already. Some will be life long friends, others will just be interesting people, but they are there. If YOU exist (and I am assuming you are interesting ; )) then others like you exist. So be careful with blanket statements.
You’ll get there. Stay upbeat and keep putting yourself around people, and the results will happen.
Lisa, Living in a new place I’ve had to find ways to meet new people. One thing I like is a meetup site online. I tell it what I’m interested in and it tells me what’s going on in the area. It’s a great way to meet people with the same interests.
I hope this helps :)
Nice suggestions Jill x
Thanks there’s more where that came from:)
i have a guy whom i love, but the thing is he is away, in the sense that i can’t meet him personally,, though we ocassionaly chat. i think he likes me, i just want to know how can i confirm that?
please do reply….
Hard to know without knowing the level of communication you have with him, but it has to start by you measuring the extent to which he is trying to get in touch with you. If he’s trying to chat that’s a good sign and you can build on that. If he’s not then he’s probably not interested right now – or at least you’re not a priority – so it’s best to meet other people to take the pressure off of trying to make it work.
Thanks for commenting!
That’s a hard one.I would have to know what I truly want in my love life first. What I would like first is to get over my ex,its been 3years in the mean time,but I can get to meet another guy that is remotely as interesting as my ex.and when I get to spend time with the ex,oh the connection we have…can’t get better than that but unfortunately he was been with another girl for 2years now.any suggestion on what I could do? Greetings from belgium
That’s never easy, I’m sorry you are going through that. Just remember that even though you think you have a connection with him (and I’m sure you do), it’s not the connection you REALLY want. The connection you want deep down is an intimate one, and it’s not one he is giving you on the level you deserve.
When we like someone it always feels like we won’t meet anyone like them again. Though we are right to say we will never meet ‘them’ again in another person, the reality is far more encouraging – that there are thousands of unique individuals that we could be attracted to just as much if we opened our eyes to it and took the chances.
Big love Michelle! x
*FEELGREAT*. I will start dressing more carefully everyday so that I feel more comfortable and sensual. I will invest in my feeling great! I will also strive to eat as much healthy food as I can. I will lose 7 pounds.
Nice one Millica. It’s amazing how much going that extra 10% with our appearance makes us feel so much sexier and confident. Our love life is always a combination of internal and external factors, but making the most of what we have on the outside if def one of them (not because you have to look like a supermodel but because you’re more likely to act confidently if you feel great in your appearance). x
Great article Matt, thanks for publishing this – once again I was fearing singledom this Christmas/ NewYears/ Valentines Day but you’re right, it is just another day, and you can only measure your love life day by day!
One thing I will be doing this month to improve my love life? Hmm… I will head out to all my friend’s post-rugby-match dinners in the hope of spotting someone? ;)xx
I love that idea Tara, especially if you’re into that type of guy. That’s a smart move. I know it can be tough but things can change in an instant, so keep going! x
As a away to rise above my ocd I am trying to say ‘yes’ to things, in other words do things I wouldn’t normally do because of my ocd. So this has seen me going out more (coffee shops, random trips to museums and going to a lot more gigs, staying later at uni, going to friend’s parties) but I only interact a little with guy, as for flirting with them; well I try with little success or confidence. So the one thing I will do this month is be chattier (for lack of a better word). Try sparking up a conversation or two, keep conversations going, having a positive vibe and smiling more.
I used to say no to things ALL the time. If I’m not careful I still fall into that trap, so I have to be conscious of always being open to what new opportunities might happen. Here’s what I’ve found…my best moments have come from times when I’ve just tried something, or stepped outside my comfort zone, or done something that pushed social norms in an interaction.
Never be afraid to push things just one step further. To flirt a little more than you are used to, to be a little more care free, to be a little more open. Once you start seeing what effect this has on the spontaneous excitement in your life, you’ll begin to get addicted.
One step at a time : )
Great Thanks for this. I met a nice guy in August. And again this same story: it was so nice untill he disappeared two weeks ago. I had a strange feeling and found him online-dating, although I told him when we met that I don’t date men who are there at the same time. I think this relationship is over.
Now I feel that I’m in the same situation again and starting all over again and the only thing I can think is to love myself more and concentrate on my dreams and goals.
Remember you can concentrate on your dreams and goals at the same time as finding your man. Doing both at the same time is actually beneficial, because one of them going wrong won’t be so detrimental to your emotions if the other is strong.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out with that guy. You can’t account for those moments when you suddenly find something out you didn’t want to, and it was outside of your control. Just remember not every guy is like that.
I decided to get myself fit again so started going about a month ago, now I can run 10 km. every other day and I am already feeling better in my body. I feel powerful and sexy when I run in the forest, and I have noticed that I am more relaxed and smiling more the rest of the time.
Thank you so much for all you do, you have truly transformed the way I act in my love life. It is amazing to me how you address so many issues women face in dating and they apply directly to me. Although, I am still single I know I am no longer making the same mistakes and am growing. This Christmas will only mark how much I have grown in my mentality from last year-which is a much stronger foundation for the kind of relationship I desire.
I plan to be a better listener this year, and be more interested in other people. I think a large part to why I am single is because I don’t contribute or give what I ultimately want to receive in a relationship, and that if I start small (listening), hopefully that will enhance my attractiveness. Any other advice in “being” what I wish to attract for myself?
Hey Jess, love your self awareness. Just focus on adding value to peoples lives and you can’t go wrong. If you’re always looking to see how to make peoples lives more fun/exciting/enjoyable/sexy/meaningful when you are around, people will want to be around you.
Thanks for leaving a comment. M x
Love the advice you give, its very practical and give women a better understanding of what they are doing wrong. My question is what are you supposed to do if there is something about yourself that you cannot change. Not a personality trait or the way you carry yourself or approach guys, but that once they find out they run from, like an illness for example? I know common logic is to say well they were not the right man for you and a man that is committed is going to stick around, but what if this thing is a threat to his health? How do you get guys to accept that?
Without knowing more it’s tough to answer, but there’s one rule I always live by: If you can’t change the situation you’re in you have to change your attitude towards it. There may be something you can’t change, but could you look at it differently? Could the challenge you face be seen as a gift in some way that you hadn’t thought about before? How could it help you become stronger, wiser, more interesting, more able to deal with life’s challenges? There is more than one way to spin any story, and fortunately you get to choose the spin you put on your story. So make it a good one.
Ultimately you are going to have to find someone who is ok with the situation you’re in if you want a relationship. If you really want it I believe you can find that person.
so I’ve been insanely excited for the holidays because it means it’s closer for me to go to France on exchange in January. However, it IS depressing to note that most of my girlfriends who have boyfriends have OTHER things to look forward to–not presents and cuddles, but maybe another year of intimacy with someone.
I’m super young, and I understand it’s not a huge deal to be single at 20, but I’ve got some good qualities and I’ve tried dating. A lot. So it shows me that there’s something off about me that people don’t want to stick with.
It’s weird having to be so self-reflective all the time, but I have an intense and strong personality that makes it hard to sustain intimate relationships with most people. That’s the truth :/ I’m unsure of how to fix this, but it’s sad that my personality inherently makes it hard to meet guys :P
Hey S H,
It’s good to be self reflective some of the time, but definitely not all of the time. Sometimes you have to let go and just enjoy your experiences, even if you reflect later. Make a decision this month to put your focus on having some fun and not analysing it all too much. See where it takes you. x
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