As Coca Cola would say… the holidays are coming.
The holidays are always an interesting time for the way we look at our love lives. They tend to make us add pressure that wasn’t there before in an effort to overcompensate for what hasn’t happened during the rest of the year. Christmas, Valentines, birthdays… all benchmarks of the year where almost by default we assess where we are in our love lives.
Though that doesn’t mean we assess where we are in productive ways…
We don’t start wondering if we could create a more balanced lifestyle between work and play, whether we should take more risks and let our guard down, whether we should learn more about the opposite sex so that we can truly engage with them in a way that enhances our attractiveness. Instead we ask the wonderfully unhelpful and ultimately soul-destroying question:
“Why am I still single?” (Or if you are in a relationship… “when am I going to finally get rid of this idiot??” Joke ; )!)
This question rarely creates empowering answers. Usually they are to the tune of “Because you’re not good enough/pretty enough/too fat/too old”, or “because there are no good men left/men are pigs who don’t want relationships” blah blah blah.
The notions that swirl around our heads are unhelpful at best, and confidence destroying at their worst.
As we lead up to the Holidays this December many people will be feeling a common feeling of sadness or loneliness; that they still don’t have the relationship they have been seeking. Passing through December we swiftly move through New Year into what feels like a long and painful Monday morning for most – January (commonly shown in research to be the most depressing time of year). That is followed by Valentines Day, another depressing and annoying time for most singles… and so it goes on.
When I talk about various products we have here at GetTheGuy I often use these checkpoints as motivators for people to take action. But I don’t use them because I think that they actually are important markers. The truth is they are arbitrary – just another day in the calendar. Who cares if we are single over Christmas? Who cares if we are single on Valentines? It really doesn’t matter.
But we feel like it matters because they remind people that they haven’t met anyone yet, quite mercilessly at a point when other people are coming together and showing off their couple-y-ness in front of everyone. (“Oh you’re buying that tie for your partner who you love so much and who loves you back? Screw you! I mean errr, that’s so sweet…”)
So why then do I use these dates to rouse people?
Because we all need checkpoints. We all need markers in time to make us consider how far we have come and whether we are on the path to our goals. Otherwise time gets away from us. Now I know that whether or not we are single is not a good measure of whether we have made progress in our love lives.
In the last six months we could have met great people, become better at flirting, feel sexier than ever and have a wealth of interest from potential partners, all of which would show we are doing a lot right. Or we could have none of those things because we really haven’t been growing in this area of our lives for some time.
Whatever the case, suddenly feeling sad around the holidays is not an appropriate response; it only leads to feelings of panic and desperation, which rarely leads to productive action steps. These feelings are more likely to lead to complaining, feeling insecure, and eating a lot more food than is healthy for any mammal to consume!
Instead I encourage you to do this: Assess your love life each day.
Ask yourself whether you really feel you are moving forwards, or backwards. Whether you are doing things that make it more likely you will meet someone, or less likely. Whether you are doing things that will enhance your confidence, or make you feel powerless. Everyday is a chance to move forward in small ways, and if we do, we won’t feel the need to reassess our entire lives every time the Holiday commercials start arriving on the TV because we’ll already be on our way to what we want.
Measure your life in the progress you make every day of the year, and when Christmas rolls around this year, just enjoy it!
###
P.S. If you want to take the next step above just reading the blog and really set in motion changes for your love life, I’d love to help you. My online programme is available here if you’d like to take a look.
Question of the day: What one thing will you do this month that will bring you closer to what you want in your love life? I’d love to know.
(Photo Credits: Robin Hutton, Funky64)
As always I appreciate what you have to say.
I am really struggling this year, having lost my father and moving to a new town and am struggling and not being very successful at a new job. I am better off than last year at this time ( I have a job : )), but it is hard at the holidays, with so much family drama, etc. I have done some dating and have ended a relationship that isn’t right, and needs to be over before I move on. But having a relationship helped to increase my confidence that there may be someone out there that will like me. He was much younger than me and this is part of the reason that it will not work, but also part of the reason why I feel hopeful about new possibilities. If someone much younger could find me that attractive, then someone closer to my own age will also. Anyway, I am facing the holidays with acceptance. These are just days on the calendar as you said. I will take vitamin D to help with the depression from lack of sun and try to go tanning and/ or swimming sometime during this season. I will take care of my self and avoid the processed foods that cause me allergy problems, which are often hidden in so many “homemade” foods during the holidays. If I have to I will carry myself a dish that I know I can eat and bring enough to share and simply avoid the other food, and not try to eat things I shouldn’t in hopes of not offending other people. In this way I will avoid the panic attacks which are symptoms of my allergy to MSG and other food additives. I will double up my efforts to be more efficient at my job and feel more successful and confident there. I will also make an effort to go to some local plays, which I enjoy. There is a great local theatre where I live and I may even try to attend some high school productions. I went to one recently and was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the performance. So I face the Holiday and New Year accepting my losses and looking forward to the future, whatever it may bring.
Hey Learning,
I think it’s great you have some many ideas about things that will help. Just make sure you set them in motion. I’m sure even writing them down like that helped as a motivator to get you started. Now choose some to implement THIS week ; )
x
Hey Matt,
greetings from Germany! In the past months you have been a irreplacable support in becoming a more confident person. I have always struggeled with trying too hard and falling for guys who clearly have no interest in me. I’d waste tons of time chasing them. Over the last year I build more confidence, investing in being ‘high value’. I worked on my fitness e.g. and look for interesting people in other places than clubs.
What I’ll do over the holidays: staying positive and not forcing things too hard anymore.
Thank you again Matt! Wishing you and your loved ones a wonderful December.
Ana
Ana this is such a sweet message thank you! I’m so glad I’ve been able to support you in some way, and I love your commitment to being everything you can be.
Xx
I do agree that we should assess ourselves on a daily basis, not just in regards to our love lives but to who we are as a person to make sure that we are becoming the person we want to be, which I hope is a person that is kind, generous, empathetic, and other general qualities that inspire other people to be great people too. That being said, its definitely easier said than done, since we all “fall down” and make mistakes, but if we can show mercy to our fellow human beings and recognize that we are all human trying to get by, then we can learn to forgive each other for things that really dont matter in the grand scheme of things even if they seem to be a big deal to our egos at the time. This kind of in a round about way, brings me to my point. I feel like the one of the biggest crises of our time is the lack of common etiquette and courtesies for our fellow humans. I do believe that this is the fundamental problem in why we are unhappy with certain situations or why we treat people the way we do. If we all changed our attitudes to be more of concern for our fellow humans and less for ourselves and ego, imagine how beautiful the world would be. Happiness is only real when shared just as love and love isn’t all the mushy stuff we see on tv, its compassion, understanding, its recognizing that we are all human. I dont think we should just look for love in the sense of a romantic partner, but look for it in every interaction that we have with people, whether they be random strangers or family members. Maybe this idea is too ideal and a lot of people think it would never work, but we have to start somewhere. Anyways, thats my rant…maybe it will help us all work to be better people, not just for ourselves, but more importantly for others.
I don’t think that’s an ideal, i think it’s an amazing way to live!
Thanks for an amazing contribution Sarah, see you on the next blog!
x
Random unrelated question. What do you suggest for this scenario? So I met a guy that I am actually interested in a lot and he said he was interested in me too. However, he was very honest and straight forward from the beginning with the fact that he recently got out of a long relationship and he initially was hesitant to talk to me because he said he didn’t want me to be a rebound and he wants to have time to process his last relationship and because of this he doesn’t contact me as much as I feel would show interest (like we have communication once every month). I totally understand that, and I respect him for being honest. We have talked a couple times (we don’t live in the same place) and then text, email, etc. a few times as well. My question is, how much in a sense should I wait. I really like him. I feel like I should give him space but at the same time I want him to contact me. Its been really difficult deciphering a good course of action which will ultimately get me my desired outcome. I kind of want to “stay in the picture” so he knows Im interested and care about him, but I don’t want to push him away and we’ve both told each other that we like each other so maybe that put more pressure on the situation? Any suggestions are welcome obviously.
Hey Sarah,
I don’t think you can put your life on hold because someone isn’t ready. I think you have to do whats best for you, and work on meeting people who are ready. If in the meantime, you speak to him, he hears you are out there having fun and decides to change his mind, BONUS! ; ) x
Graduation!!!
:)
Haha!
Great post Matt! I have learned so much from you.
I really do feel like I’ve progressed a lot even though I am still single. I’ve gained a lot of confidence, met many new guys and been more daring than I think I’ve ever been.
However I still feel like I don’t quite know how to show that cheeky, flirty side, even though it does exist somewhere in me. So that’s what I am trying to learn this month.
That’s great to hear Cindy.
WIth regards to bringing out your flirty side, it’s in all of us to be able to do it, it just takes some practice. In the new year I’m going to have something that helps people with this specific issue, so watch this space!
In the meantime check out this programme if you haven’t already, it’s great for the fundamentals: http://www.themanmyth.com/products/
Speak soon x
Good blog, do you have any advice on what to do with a over-protective parent? I’m in my 20’s and my mom has never approved of men I’m interested in (none have been “bad” guys), so I always feel I’d should drop it… And which has lead to one of a few reasons why I have never been asked out….
Lately I’ve used your tips on this guy and its working! He hasn’t asked me out, but he keeps coming in and trying to chat with me :)
Guess I made the mistake and told my mom a little bit about him and now it’s like I shouldn’t even get to know him. I still want to see what happens with this guy, but not sure how to without telling my mom to shove it! – just a joke :)
Thanks for your advice!
Hey M,
It sounds like you are a little over invested in your mums approval. Remember, loving her is not the same as needing her approval. And if you’re worried that you’ll lose her love if you do date someone she doesn’t approve of remember: “Nothing makes a loving parent happier than your happiness”. The greatest gift you can give her is showing you are happy and living life. No matter what disapproving comments she makes day to day, over the long time she will respect you more for being a strong woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t need her to make the decisions for you. After all, if she saw you being stronger in your decision making she may not feel the need to be so over protective…just a thought ; )
x
Hello Matt!!
First off, I just stumbled on your blog while trying to avoid writing an essay (shh don’t tell my professor lol) and I love the article! I must admit that as a 22 year old grad student I am not too concerned about being single…BUT Christmas time always seems to remind me that being single means that I don’t have a boyfriend. In that respect, your article was quite reassuring, so thank you!!
PS. Any tips for getting over “first move anxiety”??
Hey Kathryn!
Well I’m glad you arrived here. Just make sure you make up the time on your essay when you get the chance lol. I’m guessing by first move anxiety you’re referring to you being proactive in walking up to him, talking to him, going in for the kiss etc…if so, remember that the first move doesn’t always have to be some big thing. Sometimes the first move is just a little kiss on the cheek, long before it is a big sexy kiss on the lips. The first move can be made up of many much smaller moves, which are lower risk and won’t make you so nervous.
Hope this helps!
M x
I will forgive myself for all the things I did and didn’t do/said or didn’t say, with respect to what I wanted/needed in past relationships.
I want an amazing connection with someone.
I deserve it. We all do.
Love it Mona x
Matthew,
I was literally just on the phone with one of my best friends asking her if it was normal for me to feel so depressed already just thinking about the holidays. Reading your blog has really helped me understand that I’m not alone and that maintaining positive thoughts and keeping an open attitude are always a great way to get through any uncomfortable situations one may encounter at family/ friend gatherings this season.
One thing I will commit to doing this month that will bring me closer to what I want in my love life is to not settle for anyone just because there is pressure to be in a relationship. I have a very old school, ethnic family that thinks I should have been married years ago and they keep trying to push one guy one me that they think will be perfect for me. I’m mature enough to know after 3 months of seeing this person that he is not the right person for me (even if he is nice, likes me, etc.) and I am the only person who knows what I am looking for. Just because I have not found the right person yet does not mean I don’t know what qualities I am lookign for in another. Trusting myself, my intuition and not succumbing to all the pressure people in my life try to push on me will be my commitment to myself.
Anyhow, thanks again for the article and great timing on this one. I’ve been following you for over a year now and you always seem to publish something just in time for when I feel I need to hear it! Keep up the great work!!!
Thanks Melissa! I’m really working hard to put more on the blog to give people things to think about, so I appreciate your highly supportive feedback.
I completely get what you say. The pressure to be in a relationship can be really draining, and have you making decisions that don’t serve you. I think you have a really mature awareness of the situation you’re in and as long as you focus on building a great life for yourself and doing what you love most good things will happen.
Don’t let em grind you down! x
Thank you for the wonderful article Matt!
One step to getting me closer to the love life I want is to build my confidence. If I have confidence then I can do anything I want to accomplish. *Includes flirting more with guys. haha*
I’ve read lots of your articles and they’ve helped me lots. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook and mindset on things. I’m going to become more of a high value woman. Thanks.
Hey UsagiX! You already are a high value woman, I assure you. They key is finding all the ways you can show it and also believe it! Confidence is all about knowing our worth. Once we believe in that others will follow suit! x
To Matt,
This Christmas I Plan to enjoy , Being single and be without a shadow of self doubt.Making a list for the new year , starting with a bang , running a 10 km race!get fit , get time organised and go on many Dates!;)
I have learnt so much from your articles , and I have personally struggled with flirting and making eye contact.
I am 19 , Redhead ( have been told I look like Rita Haysworth). I think Im single because I am shy, and lack in knowledge or confidence with flirty and being sexy. But the articles are slowly changing this, in a good way and I am putting myself out there, meeting new people (oh the nerves) and waiting to meet a nice guy. One step at a time.
I want to thank you, and to wish a merry Christmas and new year.
P.S have u ever done conferences in Ireland?
Hey Jessie. Love that your following the blog. We haven’t done any in Ireland, you’ll have to come visit the team in London sometime when you get the chance, we’d love to have you. In reference to what you’ve said, something I’ve learned is that your level of shyness can change drastically if you just do little things each day to break out of your shell. Start today by finding a small thing you can do that you wouldn’t normally do. Do that each day for a week and you’ll be amazed at what happens.
x
Hi Matt, a very opportune reminder for us all not to dwell too much on what we feel is currently missing from our lives. The one thing I intend to do this month in order to bring me one step closer to the love life I would like is to carry on focusing on myself and the things that make me happy, and keep setting myself (and achieving) personal challenges. Although I have not yet met the right man (I’m in my 50s, divorced for the past 15 years, and started dipping my toes in the dating pool again some 4 years ago with repeated failures/heartbreak !), I believe in myself as a worthy individual despite the knockbacks and I have found that I attract more male attention by simply being myself, enjoying my passion in life (motorbikes), and striving for personal achievements, than by focusing on what a man wants and “trying” too hard. So I’m going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing ! Best wishes for a very happy Christmas
Hey Kathryn,
Everything you’ve said is fantastic and I couldn’t agree more. Focusing on what makes you happy will result in you being happy, and high value men are attracted to happy women!
Thanks for commenting x
Just read that line on assesing my love life every day… I don’t think all men are pigs, I don’t think I’m too old/not pretty enough/whatever, still I think its not moving anywhere, cause all guys that I happen to like are in commitment in some way (married/have longterm relationships)(don’t get me wrong, I don’t chase them, its just that if I meet someone interesting, I also see the ring or a girl arriving after some time). In my country there’s a serious lack of men who are 30-something and still single;/ I’m just 29 and I start to loose hope to meet someone, seriously:( so I don’t really know what can I do to take me one step closer to what I want.Still I wish you all that you meet that special someone!
When I was coaching guys I coached over 10,000 of them over a 2 yr period. Trust me, they are out there, and they are looking for great women!
Of course many good ones are taken. But many are not. And even the ones that are taken often go through breakups (it’s not like 100% of relationships succeed, or even close!). You’re 29, that’s YOUNG. You’ll meet many more great guys that could be your guy, so long as you’re taking the chances.
Thanks for reading and commenting! M x
I will have to work on my image and and how I should respond to others especially men. I am usually quiet with men and that reason is because I don’t know what to talk to them about to not come off as desperate or such. And def if there is someone i like, I don’t know how to flirt with them and tease them and soo I would like to learn how to work on that. I do meet alot of great guys but appearance does play a huge part in life and i don’t know how to get the guy interested without him focusing on my looks. what should i do?
Kathy,
The more compelling you are as a person the less focus he will place on your looks. Trust me, I know this from personal experience! Work on becoming an amazing person to be around and the rest will follow x
Hi, Matt!
First of all, I just want to say that finding your blog and your videos on YouTube had been a true heaven-sent. Normally, I am a very shy and guarded person when it comes to people I don’t know (especially guys), but since I found your videos and watched all of them, my life has changed a lot. I finally got my first job and I’ve become more open with every person I meet. Without even trying, I can just start up a conversation that’s filled with smiles and laughter. Something that wasn’t easy for me, at all, if I didn’t know the person already.
And, in regard to my new job, your advice about flirting in the work place helped, too. I have to admit that my confidence has grown a lot since I’ve found your blog and videos. So, thank you, very much for all you do and for helping women (like myself) gain so much with your advice.
For the month of December, the one thing I’m going to do to get me closer to where I want to be in my love life will have to be to not over think my current standing. My problem, for almost everything in my life, is that I over think it. I stress over it and I end up making myself feel less than I know I am. My goal is to look back on the year I’ve had and remember that I’ve come so far already that, with a little more time and practice, I’ll get to where I need/want to be. The holidays, for me, has always been hard, but after reading your blog and actually agreeing with it, I know it won’t be as hard this time around.
Thank you, again, for everything! I don’t even want to think about where I’d be right now if I hadn’t stumbled onto your videos on YouTube!!
Definitely A Fan,
Amber
Thankyou Amber!!! I’ll keep delivering as much as I can to help x
Matt,
I’ve recently discovered you on youtube and your videos are amazing! You explain things in a simple, but meaningful way and you put so much passion into what you say. It really gives me that extra push I need to start to feel good about myself again. The one thing I’m going to do this month is to actually let a cute stranger know that I’m looking at them. Lol! It’s such an effortless thing to do, but it’s the hardest part for me and I want to get over that fear of rejection. Thank you for this blog because it’s reminded me that I need to start being a confident woman.
Thanks for commenting Lindsey, and thanks for your lovely words x
When can you visit Canada!?
I love the work you’re doing it’s inspiring and refreshing no one like you and it’s admirable and I thank you! I wish I knew about you and your work a year ago cause I just recently 2 months back stumbled upon a youtube video and have been hooked since.
One thing I know that will bring me closer is being honest. Cause honestly Im doubting things now and to keep a long story short I was married to the man of my dreams and it happened fast. Met him one month married the next, and then pregnant, stayed with in laws couple months MASS tension there especially with a new born, miscommunication (language barrier) and most of all my mother who was trying to destroy my marriage instead of being rational and supportive. In the end sad to say no communication again, he pulled the plug without warning cause apparently his career was calling? and maybe he had enough so he cut his losses.
Fast fwd to 7 months later we meet again he visits our child on and off and something sparkling happened.. Although it has been a year and I’m trying to be more happy positive when he visits ( I do miss him) cause I used to be pessimistic and just overwhelmed constantly. All I wanted was for him to say I LOVE YOU when were together even though NOW he mentions that you don’t have to say it to know that a person loves you! That hasn’t changed even though he says he misses me more often now.
Is it wrong to wish for a happy ending for all the right reasons and to try and be the best me I could be or am I waiting too long and not being honest with myself thinking he needs more time to see my good side to change his mind to WANT to be with me?
Cause if communication WAS his problem and mine maybe my problem is reading the signals wrong thinking that it gives me hope :S
On a positive note. I do WISH you a VERY Happy Christmas and new year :))
Hey Yazmin,
As much as you may love him he is not there for you day to day. You need to find someone who is actually going to give you what you want. I know the dream is compelling but the reality could be more exciting if you let go and kept moving forward in your life.
SO great to hear from you! More to come!
x
I will try to take myself not too seriously :D cuz my joy and happiness is not dependent on one single person ;) All I wanna do is share my happiness! <3
love it Red Apple x
This is really helpful and I forwarded it to a few friends who I thought would benefit.
One thing I would like to do to move on in my love life is to let go of this guy who I thought liked me, but I know he doesn’t because I found out he now has a girlfriend, which h didn’t have when we started talking. But it’s hard because it took me a long time to get his number and start talking to him, but I guess I should have gotten the hint when was always too busy to hang out. My first step in helping my love life was getting his number and asking him to hang out, but now the goal is to be able to do that with other people since he seems to not be worth my time. We will see what happens
Hey MJ,
The good thing is that you took the risk, and you got better at exchanging details and building a connection. Now go use that skill with guys who are available. Simple ; ) x
Hi Matt, You make a lot of sense and are incredibly logical. That is why I have turned to you. I recently met someone and we have been sort of seeing each other exclusively for 3 months even though he kept saying that I must not get attached. He has recently moved to London. He has suggested that we should be friends and has always wanted to speak to me and even wanted me to visit him etc which I regret to say I did. He always tells me that he loves me and values me a lot. This festive season has been getting me down. I have no family here and my close friends are away. So I suggested to him that it would be great if we could hang out together on NY eve. To this he reacted rather strangely and suggested that I should hang out with someone special rather than with him. He would be happy to meet but really he feels that if I meet him he will get attached to me and that will hurt me. Why does he not consider it hurting me when he needs/wants to meet me like he has even after moving to London? Why should it only be hurtful for me when in all this months this is the only time I have ever asked for anything? This was a one off request and I assured him that I am not looking for anything but merely some companionship on this day when this year everyone seems to be away. It was a simple request which elicited acomplex reaction and he says he vales me and loves me deeply and everything he is doing is for not hurting me. He also mentioned that e felt a bit guilty because he met someone he did not like for drinks a few times recently and nothing happened etc. I have no idea why he volunteered this inormation and kept repeating like a broken record, I deeply respect and value you because you have never met any demand on me before and I will happily meet you for NY except that I think if you meet me you will get hut. Frankly he has hurt me much more by reacting in this strange manner to what I felt was just a harmless suggesstion I made. Please help…I feel like a fool and incredibly sad. I asked for nothing and while he kept insisting that he is there for me and shoud always contact him and he would love to meet me of his own accord he responds in this hurtful manner. How should I respond without losing my sanity and keeping my self respect intact!
Hey Minti,
I don’t think it matters why he doesn’t want to see you, what matters is that he is making it this difficult. Think about it, do you really want someone who is going to make it this complicated? This is not attractive behaviour, so pull away from him and find someone who just WANTS to spend time with you. Period.
M x