As Coca Cola would say… the holidays are coming.
The holidays are always an interesting time for the way we look at our love lives. They tend to make us add pressure that wasn’t there before in an effort to overcompensate for what hasn’t happened during the rest of the year. Christmas, Valentines, birthdays… all benchmarks of the year where almost by default we assess where we are in our love lives.
Though that doesn’t mean we assess where we are in productive ways…
We don’t start wondering if we could create a more balanced lifestyle between work and play, whether we should take more risks and let our guard down, whether we should learn more about the opposite sex so that we can truly engage with them in a way that enhances our attractiveness. Instead we ask the wonderfully unhelpful and ultimately soul-destroying question:
“Why am I still single?” (Or if you are in a relationship… “when am I going to finally get rid of this idiot??” Joke ; )!)
This question rarely creates empowering answers. Usually they are to the tune of “Because you’re not good enough/pretty enough/too fat/too old”, or “because there are no good men left/men are pigs who don’t want relationships” blah blah blah.
The notions that swirl around our heads are unhelpful at best, and confidence destroying at their worst.
As we lead up to the Holidays this December many people will be feeling a common feeling of sadness or loneliness; that they still don’t have the relationship they have been seeking. Passing through December we swiftly move through New Year into what feels like a long and painful Monday morning for most – January (commonly shown in research to be the most depressing time of year). That is followed by Valentines Day, another depressing and annoying time for most singles… and so it goes on.
When I talk about various products we have here at GetTheGuy I often use these checkpoints as motivators for people to take action. But I don’t use them because I think that they actually are important markers. The truth is they are arbitrary – just another day in the calendar. Who cares if we are single over Christmas? Who cares if we are single on Valentines? It really doesn’t matter.
But we feel like it matters because they remind people that they haven’t met anyone yet, quite mercilessly at a point when other people are coming together and showing off their couple-y-ness in front of everyone. (“Oh you’re buying that tie for your partner who you love so much and who loves you back? Screw you! I mean errr, that’s so sweet…”)
So why then do I use these dates to rouse people?
Because we all need checkpoints. We all need markers in time to make us consider how far we have come and whether we are on the path to our goals. Otherwise time gets away from us. Now I know that whether or not we are single is not a good measure of whether we have made progress in our love lives.
In the last six months we could have met great people, become better at flirting, feel sexier than ever and have a wealth of interest from potential partners, all of which would show we are doing a lot right. Or we could have none of those things because we really haven’t been growing in this area of our lives for some time.
Whatever the case, suddenly feeling sad around the holidays is not an appropriate response; it only leads to feelings of panic and desperation, which rarely leads to productive action steps. These feelings are more likely to lead to complaining, feeling insecure, and eating a lot more food than is healthy for any mammal to consume!
Instead I encourage you to do this: Assess your love life each day.
Ask yourself whether you really feel you are moving forwards, or backwards. Whether you are doing things that make it more likely you will meet someone, or less likely. Whether you are doing things that will enhance your confidence, or make you feel powerless. Everyday is a chance to move forward in small ways, and if we do, we won’t feel the need to reassess our entire lives every time the Holiday commercials start arriving on the TV because we’ll already be on our way to what we want.
Measure your life in the progress you make every day of the year, and when Christmas rolls around this year, just enjoy it!
###
P.S. If you want to take the next step above just reading the blog and really set in motion changes for your love life, I’d love to help you. My online programme is available here if you’d like to take a look.
Question of the day: What one thing will you do this month that will bring you closer to what you want in your love life? I’d love to know.
(Photo Credits: Robin Hutton, Funky64)
Maybe holidays are coming to give us a chance to assess our past year. These are free times that help us to remove our failure and breaking ups with new hopes. We change everyday, but new year holidays can helps us to believe this change; the change that we are here in this world because we hope.
They do!
Thanks for the comment fch x
Hi matt!
I like this guy who is in my biology class. He sits sort of far away from me, but I want to get his attention! To be honest though, I am scared to talk to him. I dont know what to say or what guys even find attractive about faces, and personality. Can you help me?
Thanks!(:
C
Hey C,
Talk to his friends first, you will be less scared because they are not the ones you are after. Then when you feel more ‘warmed up’, say something to him. Start small, and build your connection with him day by day. You don’t have to perform a miracle all in one day x
That makes sense! The problem is I don’t know who his friends are! We are in different ages, and I just happen to take the same class as him! What would be a good way to approch him during class? :)
C
Love your posts, great reminder to track our progress and keep our eyes on the goal. I followed the online program before but never actually fully committed myself into doing all the exercises. So the one thing I will do this moment on is to hold myself accountable to the promise that I will live the life I imagine (stolen quote from Thoreau).
I have a few PLPs (potential love partners) amongst my friends but they don’t see me in the romantic way so I will challenge our relationships daily and use my sunshine energy to practice building connections that are more intense and exciting!
Happy holidays Matt and thanks for being the great big brother you are :)
Thanks Hui Ying!!! x
Hey matt , I have a prob
I love a guy ( I never told him ) . We meet each other long time ago , and spoke together on chat . But on day I invent a fake story to make him jealous and see if he really cares about me , after he that story he began to be strange and completely stop talking to me . So my friend decided to add him on the chat ( they don’t know each other but , he knows that she’s my friend ) he always talk to her even to tell anything special (most of the time when she comment my pictures , so he knows that I speak to her in that moment) . I add him on Facebook but he put my invitation in attend , why he doesn’t refuse or accept my invitation ? I have tried twice to add him but he always put my invitation in attend what I must to do ?
Hey Joella,
Never play games with a guy. If he finds out (and they usually do) the bond of trust will be broken, and is difficult to repair. Maybe it’s time to look at why you need to invent stories to make someone else jealous. That is something inside you that needs to be fixed, or it will be a recurring pattern in the future. Stay with me and we’ll work on it!
x
First of all, excellent blog, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, I really enjoy your mails, maybe a little too much and I’ve definitely learned a lot this year.
Regarding your question, I think my focus this month will have to be to get out more and meeting new people … I always forget how much one can learn about itself through other people’s eyes.
I think my biggest problem right now is that I’m too used to be alone and it gets really hard to get out of this confort zone… so much work to do in 2013…
happy Holidays
PS. I miss your videos ;)
Hey Mayela,
It’s always tough to get out of your comfort zone, but take small risks and it will happen.
More videos to come soon!
THanks x
Really enjoyed reading other posts and i am kind of sad dont know what to do cos he only thinks of his beer,thats his first priority,what can i do to make him think of me, more than his beer??please help
My first thought in reading this was why is your computer auto-replacing some important word with beer. My second thought upon realising that it wasn’t, is that he sounds like someone you should leave.
If you are being the best you can be and someone is putting ‘beer’ ahead of you in his priorities, LEAVE. x
Hi Matt :)
LOVE the blog, as always! The question you pose at the end really struck a nerve with me. I’m afraid I might have already lost my chance. Where I work on campus (I’m at university) our staff had a winter wonderland/ staff bonding party where everyone had a bag with their name on it and on slips of paper we all wrote good things we wanted to say to people (our choice whether or not to be anonymous) and we couldn’t open the bag until we got home. Well this guy I work with and kind of like wrote, “I <3 U" and signed his name. I think he meant it in a 'just friends' way, which makes me think he is a guy I'm not getting… you're opinion would really mean a lot to me Matt.
Thanks ^_^
Well he’s flirting, that’s for sure, but he’s doing it playfully because he doesn’t want to look to into you. Flirt back! And don’t worry. there’s always another party! x
Thanks! I have to say, I’m not a great flirt lol. I texted him “you’re so sweet! <3" which in hindsight (which is always 20/20 *sigh*) doesn't seem flirty- just friendly. Any tips on what I should've said?
“Oh you’ve written notes like that to everyone today I’m sure” (done with a wink, and bundles of charm and charisma lol!). This response will prompt him to defend his note and say “noooo i didn’t!” – now you’re teasing him and creating tension. Voila!
x
Haha would you believe that was what I was thinking in my head? Lol, evidence that I should trust myself more!
Thank you :) I’ll trust my gut if it comes up again.
SO the night before I am watching your videos, and tonight I had you open the door of Jones for me in LA! That is what I called law of attraction :) Thank you for taking a minute to talk to me and congratulations on all your new projects! I tried to add you on facebook but it says the number of friends has been maximazed, I am following you on twitter now, please look up my music on itunes.com/Erikamiranda it will mean the world to me!
Erika Miranda
So crazy bumping into you randomly as I’m going to have dinner lol. I’m still not really used to people recognising me, it’s a surreal experience but so great to meet someone who’s following my programme!
You have to come to a live event next year!
x
Hi Matthew, I can’t even imagine how surreal it must be for you that people recognize you, imagine for us,, the people who do your program, we watch you, respect you and really trust your advice, for me you became like a close friend while doing your program,. So I was genuinely extremely happy when I bumped into you. Would love to come to one of your live events, the next one is March 18 Florida right? I am planning a trip to Asia those days, but I will let all my friends know,,my friend who was with me when we met you is probably going,, do you remember her name?
Yes Florida in March from 14th to 18th. You can see the details for that one here: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/retreat/. Would love to see you at an event.
Was her name Sarah? (fingers crossed lol!)
good answer and great memory! that was a trick question,, Can’t wait to see you on your new Tv show “Ready for love”,,I bet it will be so much fun to watch,, when is it going to Air?
I’ve always enjoyed your articles but there was one thing that always had me thinking.
I feel that the some of the tips that you share might be a bit hard to be applied in all parts of the world (where the cultures are different and men are more shy..). I think in most of your articles, the best place to meet people seem to be at a bar or a club, which doesn’t work out so well for me.
And when I do meet people, they always seem to be attracted to my friends who are already in a relationship. And these friends play along and keep these guys around, so that they can them for favours later on. When it turns out like this, it’s quite hard to keep faith in finding someone.
Hey Shana,
Most of the principles I teach hold true in every culture, in every part of the world. THe only thing that changes are the specifics of how you apply them. But I want to point out that by no means do I only tell people to go to bars or clubs. To the contrary, I often think these are terrible places to meet people. These techniques can be used day or night, in any activity, just try it!
Thanks for commenting, so glad you’re a part of this with us : ) x
1. I have completed your 6 month program :)
2. I moved to my own flat, so from now on I have my own space and I’m ready for love life :)
Love it Petra! Are you joining me on then webinar for part 6 of the six month programme today?? x
Thank you, I really got a lot out of this article, I have enjoyed the videos as well. In answer to your question, I will definitely try to open up…and smile more. I tend to freeze up when I see a guy I want to meet.
However, I do have a particular situation, I have met someone online a few months ago. He is a singer and in the entertainment industry…I had no problems catching his attention via e-mail. He drove to see me last month and had an absolutely wonderful, AMAZING time:), but now things have fizzled. He lives a day’s drive away so we have only seen each other once in 2 months, and are planning on seeing each other again in a few weeks. My problem is that he has NEVER called me, we only share a few texts a day. I have asked him to call me so we can get to know each other better, he said he would but still hasn’t. I just know we are a perfect match for each other. He doesn’t open up in e-mails or texts so I feel sort of like the relationship is one sided. I know the attraction is there for both of us. And I know he wants to see me or he wouldn’t make the effort to drive here and let me know he misses me and wants to see me again. I feel the distance is probably holding him back from really wanting to get to know me better. I definitely don’t want that to hold him back though, how do I get him to open up to me and call, skype, or communicate in some other form other than one or two texts a day??
Hey Jo,
Ok here’s the truth…it sounds like he’s looking for the easy route. He wants to be connected to you and get the attention but doesn’t want anything more with you. Until he decides he wants more with you he won’t bother calling. Texting is a nice way of staying in touch and leaving the door open while keeping you at arms length.
My honest advice, build the connection when you see him in person, but the rest of the time you need to be meeting other people. And in the next few weeks, I’ll be revealing what you can do to help him commit to getting to know you better and take it further.
Thanks for commenting!
x
Dear Matt (or Matt’s minions/helpful elves)
It’s soo easy to get depressed around this time of the year, I am battling with that each time I look at the twinkling lights outside or smell mulled wine in the crisp winter air.
Anyhow, it’s all well and good trying to meet someone new but it doesn’t work too well when your heart is obsessing over one person who you can’t have. I’m friends with a guy who I work with and have to see every single day.. For the first time in my life I was brave enough and told him how I feel about him but he rejected me in a very vague way and didn’t even have the decency to tell me the “I just see you as a friend” standard line. The odd thing is that after that our friendship became so much closer and we ended up spending much more time together.
Right now we go through phases in which we’re either really close or keeping our distance. Each time I’ve expressed interest in another guy he was supportive but then those have also been the times when he would become quite flirty and more affectionate with me. He is still single, ridiculously picky and very indecisive. He also expressed interest for someone but kept finding excuses why not to be with them. Honestly, I’m not biased when I say we’re the perfect match for each other. We have so much in common and such a similar view on life but still able to challenge each other constantly and push each other to be better people. Everyone used to think we’re together or going to end up together but clearly that never happened.
How can I look for someone new when all I want is that one guy?? I can’t even distance myself from him because we work together and no matter how many times I tell myself that he doesn’t care about me in that way, it just doesn’t do a thing. I can’t stop comparing each guy I meet to him and they just don’t measure up. I know this is really long but I’ve been in this situation for a year and if you could spare me a minute to grant me some of your wise insight, my battered heart would be eternally grateful. xx
Hey Anna,
I know it isn’t easy when you feel like this. But being alike in thought and outlook isn’t the only thing that makes two people a match. They have to both want it. There’s nothing I can say logically that will get you over him. Unfortunately the closer you are to him the harder it will be to find something new, because your brain is locking onto the thing you know best, HIM…even though he’s not taking things further with you.
Stay tuned over the next few weeks. I’m going to be releasing blogs that are not only going to help, but will culminate in something in January which will change the entire way you think about this subject, and HIM.
Thanks for commenting, stick with me ; )
xx
Hey Matt,
Great article, as always. Indeedy, this time of year can be tough for the single, lonesome hearts out there…
But what advice would you give to a girl who’s career driven and won’t start looking for love / let any guy near, until she has arrived where she wants to be career-wise ?
I know i’m shutting myself and the probability of me finding love in the near future = 0 lol – not funny though! :(
The other control freaks in here will probably understand and feel for me… lol
Any advice would be welcome (apart from ‘change ur personality’ or ‘stop being a control freak’ :P )
Hi Mel,
That’s a great question! If you know that your career is the most important thing in your life right now and that you are trying to remain focused I would say don’t give yourself too hard of a time for being single. Dating and love require time an energy. When you’re ready to devote that time to your romantic life things are sure to blossom.
x
Thx for ur reply… i guess u’re right. A relationship does require time and energy and work… u gotta be in it at 100%. And by experience, i know i won’t be happy if i feel like i’m sacrificing too much of myself.
So i guess until i’m at that stage where i’m emotionally, mentally and physically ready, i’m absorbing all the great tips and advice u’re giving us! :)
Cheers!
Great to hear Mel. We’ll help you get to that place! x
Hey Matt!
Great article! I’ve watched and read your stuff a million times, I always find it so helpful. And about this topic… yes, I do feel lonely around holidays, but not so much this year. I’ve learned (from you) to have my own passions and I feel good about myself because of that. However, I met a guy who I’ve been dating for a few months now, but I’m never sure of what he thinks or feels. We have a great time together, but when we don’t see each other, he almost never gets in touch. Either I call him and then he becomes ”obsessed” and can’t stop not calling me (some tactics I learned from you as well), or he has to run into me to initiate the calling. He knows that bothers me but he keeps doing it. So I broke it off with him because I can’t sit around waiting for him. Our relationship did not get physical, it was very sweet actually. And I really like him, so I’m questioning my decision… He says he likes me but how can I believe him if he always has some lame excuses. And I mean those typical excuses you see on a movie and think ”Your woman must be an idiot if she believes you”. When we started dating he said I was cold and that he wasn’t sure if I was serious about the whole thing, and maybe I was blowing hot and cold on him in the beginning, but that was just because he didn’t call and I wasn’t sure about what he thinks! And I can’t get satisfying advice from my friends, some say that I’m too hard on him, some say I did the right thing. I’m not even sure if he would speak to me, because when we see each other (through some mutual friends) he keeps ignoring me… So, I don’t feel lonely around holidays, I just want to spend them with him. But I’m not sure how to do something or even if I should do anything…
Can you please tell me what you think?
Thank you for your blog posts so far! :)
x
Hi Elle,
Anyone who is at anytime ignoring you can’t be the right guy, at least not for right now. There is a difference between using techniques to draw someone in and simply playing games. Let him play those games on his own.
x
I love this article and it’s ironic I was clearing out my email that I rarely use now and thought “OMG. Story of my life right now!” I was just mopping around the last few days, complaining about how much I need a male companion right now.
Anyway, I have a situation: I am moving in with two good guy friends of mine, Phil and Bob, whom I have know for 3 intense months. I used to have a crunch on Phil when we worked very closely together. He had a lot going on in his love life, and I accepted the role of friend and listener. I then realized that I probably wasn’t his type anyway and he is just a flaming extrovert, so things he said or did that made me feel special were not personal, or at least romantic.
The other day, he took me to an Italian restaurant and we shared a dessert together. A few days ago, he came to pick me up because he said I “sound like [I’m] having a bad morning” and took me to a coffee shop, then we went on a walk in the park and sat under a tree watching the sunset. We’ve had late chats till 2am, getting to know each other and talking about different aspects of our lives, and I start thinking maybe there is a possibility of something..till he introduces me to the girl he’s seeing, or openly hits on other girls and I remember my place.
Do you think it is my insecurities that make me think there is nothing there and I’m not his type, or could it be the lack of a Winter Warmer-buddy that is even let these ideas creep into my mind and potentially ruin an AMAZING and rare young friendship?
#LiveisComplicated.
Hi Matthew, I have followed so much of your stuff over the past year. I find it really interesting. The funniest thing happened last night. There was this guy that struck up a conversation at the bus stop and instantly I could tell he was a psychologist. Hahaha he said he’d studied it and worked in advertising just before I got my words out. It was the way he spoke and his body language. It was kind of surreal. lol. I mean watching him adopt this method. He invited my friend and I to a penthouse party for new year haha.. ;)