How And Why You Need To Be Comfortable With Sexual Tension

Stephen Hussey

Do you tend to giggle nervously whenever a guy pays you a physical compliment?

Do you immediately defuse the situation as soon as the guy you’re dating communicates his lust for you?

Do you flinch from giving a cheeky wink, playfully poking your tongue out, or a teasing touch?

If your answer to any of these is yes, it might be because you find sexual tension uncomfortable.

This typically happens with women who are either romantically inexperienced, or who are not used to embracing their feminine desires.

(Photo: Kelly Leigh)

I’m not saying you have to be a seductress. Sometimes it’s even cute to be coy. Not every women has to drip with sensuality and wiggle her hips in a way that turns men’s brains to mush.

But being comfortable with sexual tension is an important part of attraction. It’s what creates the glow between two people that separates a friendship from a romantic relationship.

In the Get the Guy book, Matt talks about how some women fall into the Friend Trap with guys, which happens when you have the following formula:

Playfulness + Spontaneity + Connection – Sexuality = Friend Trap

This is not to say that without sexuality a guy might not fall for your personality. But without communicating your sexuality, he’ll find it hard to fall as deeply, because he won’t be able to see himself being flirty and sexual with you. He won’t be able to see you as a potential sexual goddess.

Being able to create and enjoy sexual tension is a quick indicator of a few major qualities:

(1) It makes him feel like you’ll be good in bed

(2) It makes your interactions charged with excitement

(3) It makes him see you as a woman, rather than a girl (i.e. it imbues you with femininity)

Every guy sees himself being with a woman who can seduce, who can use feminine charm, who knows how to turn him on. And that means being comfortable with your sexuality.

Ways To Show Sexual Tension

Sexual tension doesn’t have to be direct. It’s communicated in tiny gestures, phrases, and body language.

Here’s a few simple ways to do it:

  • Light touch

Just making a guy aware of your skin by touching hands, or playfully squeezing his arm, is enough to make him feel a tingle of excitement and notice your femininity.

If he’s a guy you know well, hug him when you say hello so that he can come in close. Maybe he’ll smell your shampoo. Or lightly slip his hands around your waist. That’s all good news (assuming you want him to that is).

  • Lip biting

In the wake of Fifty Shades Of Grey, I fear lip biting has become too comic a gesture to be taken seriously as flirting now. I’m sure there’s already an army of would-be Anastasia Steele’s chewing their mouths off in the hope of attracting kinky billionaires.

Doesn’t stop it being cute though. Especially if it’s done over a smile. Just don’t overdo it.

  • Make him feel manly

If he’s wearing a V-neck top, tell him he has a manly chest. If he says something masculine, say “you’re such a guy” and roll your eyes in a cute way.

  • Challenge him (in a silly way!)

Ask questions that are original and playful.

Things like:

“Do you realise how lucky you are to have someone cool like me hanging out with you? You better appreciate it while it lasts, look at all the attention you’re getting.”

“What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?”

“If we were gonna go on holiday somewhere amazing next week, where would you take me?”

These are silly, playful, and they give him a light challenge to either share something or impress you in some way.

With the last question, you can get into a roleplay where you describe in detail this incredible imaginary trip you’d take together – talk about where you would stay, what the hotel room would be like, and what you’d eat for breakfast.

This gets him to imagine being intimate with you and makes you stand out from other women he meets.

  • Prolonged eye contact from across the room

This works well with a guy you’re already dating. Just catch his eye from across the room at some point and hold suggestive eye contact for a while. He’ll be excited by the fact that you’re looking over at him and he’ll want to run over to get your attention.

  • Jokey-attraction

Jokey-attraction is when you acknowledge that he’s attractive, but in a fun way that doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

For example, if you are both being cheeky and insulting each other, you can say “you are lucky you’re cute, because otherwise we would never get along”.

Or if he’s just teased you, you might respond jokingly “thank god you have those great eyes, or i’d have left ten minutes ago”.

You are creating some sexual interest by showing an attraction, but you’re also telling him that you could leave as well. Which makes him want to keep you as long as he can.

How difficult or easy do you find it to create sexual tension with a guy? Let me know in the comments below.

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Want to learn 59 more REALLY simple flirting techniques to get in a guy’s head and make him crazy for you?

Must Watch: ‘The Phrases That Make Men Beg to Be With You’

43 Responses to How And Why You Need To Be Comfortable With Sexual Tension

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  1. Maureen says:

    So… what if don’t I find the guy immediately sexually attractive? We’ve had fun conversations and share common values and interests, and I want to keep an open mind and give it a chance. He’s shown some good qualities that could make him a good partner match, but I just want more time to see if I can be fully, sexually attracted to him. If I create sexual tension to keep his interest, and eventually decide that it’s just not all there for me, doesn’t that make me a mean, nasty tease? Haven’t I just led him on? I want to find what I want, but I don’t want to be mean and deceitful in the process.

  2. Marlene says:

    I tried online dating and met a great sexy man.The first time we saw each other I gave him a hug.I think it helped us to feel more comfortable with each other.I absolutely love to touch,holding hands,sitting close,touching his chest.The sexual tension has been there from the start.He’s been an absolute gentleman.We are getting to know each other,and that takes time.But being playful and enjoying that tension keeps it oh so exciting.

  3. Crystaleane Cubbins says:

    OMG, I read this and… its amusing. I always find it incredibly entertaining when watching the little pseudo psych chemistry games. Matt, though I think dating is absolutely ridiculous and a big time waster, I find your blog and videos to be helpful in just dealing with people in general… since men, for now, “rule the world” in their patriarch created societies for the past 5,000 years or so, its good to re-learn communication skills when dealing with the opposite sex – and let me tell you, dealing with the opposite sex.

    Open Statement: I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have presented myself professionally in business settings and the men always turn it sexual in some way. Its insulting that I am not taken seriously. Having to field sexual inuendos and comments time and time again along with being painfully aware of what I am wearing and not showing cleavage at all…. it never seems to matter and the dirty bastards just try harder when I reject them continuously.. and I never play hard to get… its not a game. Why is it when you straight up tell a man who is trying to flirt with you and he is getting polite stone coldness in return, and the poor bastard keeps on trying… why do they continue when I say: “If I am flirting with a man, there is no question. Zero. He will know if and when I am flirting with him, there will be no doubt about it, he will know, every sense in his body will know.” I think these men who continue to flirt think that its a challenge I am presenting… idk, its irritating AF… that and the stupid little psych games… oh man do I love me a good intrigue when i recognize one of those games… hahahaha… now that’s a good time for me in my head!

  4. Anita says:

    I dont mind some sexual tension with the guy i like, but how much is too much?

    Its super easy with physical touching when he is you PT. But when you caught him havinv hard on, thats a bit awkward no?

  5. Shakila Reza Falgunee says:

    Its not that difficult. I sometimes try to follow your instructions and it really works.

  6. dorkypainter says:

    hahaha oh man. i’ve been having some fun playful chats with a friend for a couple of months now.

    we had such a wonderful time the other day…i was surprised how smooth it was to be playful with him and just throw flirty jokes at each other. but i had to ruin it the following day by asking if he really meant them or they were just jokes.

    i hate it when i realize too late that i zoomed in way too fast just because of the emotional high i got from a conversation that went well.

    now i think i scared him off. since he hasn’t been replying again.

    i hope he forgives me.

    and i wish i could just learn more in NOT ruining the momentum that’s already been built up.

    but well that’s what you get for being a 26 year old inexperienced lady. hahahaha. ;u;

  7. Jessica says:

    Thanks–this was exactly the kind of article I was looking for today. My problem is that I didn’t have to do anything to create sexual tension with this particular guy. It was already there the moment we met, but I tried to avoid/deflect it at first. (He was married when we met, and I was only recently out of a long-term relationship.) We we met again several months later, he was in the middle of a divorce, but it still seemed safer not to flirt with him. Now the sexual tension seems to have morphed into sexual frustration, and we just bicker like an old married couple even though we’ve never even kissed. Guess I’m going to have to put on my big girl panties and flirt a little more before one–or both–of us die of frustration.

  8. Aimee says:

    Wanted to add one more comment specifically about the Christian demographic and my experience. I went out with this one guy and although he was open in talking about sex which I actually found extremely refreshing he we constantly say “I am never having sex again”. It was like the mixed signals of all time. One minute he wants to talk about what he wants to do next minute “I ain’t doing that ever”. So here is where lies the issue. On the one hand your dealing with a normal red blooded American man but on the other hand massive guilt. When it should be more of a balance of “my standards are to express this at this specific level of a relationship” instead of “I am not doing that”. And here is the other healthy thing I think should be addressed with those who believe in sex in marriage. I was engaged to a guy and it was six months before our wedding. We had done a ton of premartial counseling and to a degree were intimate. He had even slept around I think with the entire universe before he met me. So I am thinking perfect, a guy who is not afraid of sex. So I did what you mention in one of your videos and wanted to discuss his needs etc. by sharing mine. He would NOT answer me at all. The man that is out there sleeping with the entire world that conforms to “Christian” now cannot talk about his needs. So my standards in this area now is ok I will wait until marriage BUT you must be able to communicate your needs with me. Can you imagine marrying someone and you find out not only can they not share what they want but then they are a locked up closet? I am far too free spirited to be married to someone like that. Trying to find the balance in the Christian world is like trying to walk around with a blindfold on at times. As a healthy woman I sometimes feel like I am dealing with men with major issues. They run to porn and yet you can’t get them to talk about intimate needs. Go figure. I am searching and sorting but I have a feeling it is going to take A LOT of searching, a lot of working out of values, a lot of testing the waters. I think in a nonChristian relationship where say a 90 day rule for sex is good – maybe I need to establish a 90 day rule to the needs discussion. You get 90 days before I start sharing my needs dude. hahaha It’s almost humorous to me. My mother said to me she would not blame me if I just started going out and having sex with all the men. I would not blame myself either. I am about at my wits end. Send prayers rofl

  9. Aimee says:

    I find creating it extremely easy but there is a whole demographic of men turned off by it. Men that don’t believe in sex before marriage or at least the value behind it. I’m trying to translate this to them and I’m at a loss. I think cuz so many are raised sex is a bad thing and I was raised the extreme opposite. Also for the reason they are all trying not to be sexual it takes far less to create tension. I couldnt get away with anything I even say on Matthews social media. Like one guy posted a photo of him in a suit and he looked really good. He always jokes about bible characters reincarnated in his friends. So I said whoa its Samson reincarnated. It was too much for him. I dont know the answer but I will find it lol. my friends tell me Id be unhappy with a guy like that anyway, I think their right cuz theres a difference between valuing sex in marriage and being a prude.

  10. Ellie says:

    I find I can create sexual tension fairly well. The problem for me is controlling how much of it so it doesn’t lead to sex. Trying to not have sex right away in the relationship I’m in. The good thing we are very open and playful about. The guy I’m with is totally supportive of my decision. That of course doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it like now! How do we find a line where we both get excited about wanting each other yet not crossing that line?

    • Jason m says:

      Be clear with him that its 9ff limits. Yes he wants it and probably sometimes has to masturbate after being with you to releive the urge.. women can get really turned on and then be ok with no orgasm and not feel any residual tension afterwards , for men its not as easy to get out of that mood, once turned on it can be very fustrating to not climax.

  11. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Awesome article Stephen….As usual… Nice to know, I am already doing some of things…without thinking about it….

  12. Darlene says:

    I find creating sexual tension incredibly hard. when I like the guy and hope for something more I freeze up. There’s a man currently that I’m interested in but just recently heard that he isn’t interested in me. I was open to chat over facebook n text, but was terrified to talk on the phone or in person. So I fear I became friend-zoned. This has just happened earlier today, so emotions are a bit high. I am not heart broken but I am sad. we never talked in person before. but maybe if I take a step back with my desires and just see him, it’d be easier to be myself and use these tips appropriately.

  13. Pamela says:

    There’s been a lot of sexual tension between us. So I brushed up against him and whispered,”have you heard, No Sleep by Janet Jackson”?
    Still waiting to hear from him. Football is on and/or he’s letting me stew. I tried.

  14. Janelle Belles says:

    Hey, Matt…I find it extremely hard to meet guys and especially, create sexual tension with a guy I find attractive. For instance, there’s this guy that I like at my gym. Occasionally, I notice him looking over at me but then I think it’s coincidence. I’ve said a couple things to him in the past and have been friendly, even got a smile back. We’ve occasionally caught each other’s gaze. It just seems so out of reach. It’s hard for me gauge if he’s interested but shy or just not interested. Help!

    • Penny says:

      He is interested. He is shy but interested. You need to be bolder and move in closer, ask if he enjoys working out, and at the same time slightly push his shoulder back and say “yeah I bet you do” smiling at the same time. And then walk away. He’ll want more….

  15. Feriel says:

    I havé some diffuclties to let my self go and tease my boyfriend and make the first move for intimacy, I don’t know what to do to tease him and not look vulgar so I don’t do anything and sometimes I feel that he kinda needs it.
    I like what you said but I don’t know how to let go of my self

  16. Heidi Beale says:

    I’ve done most of these and they definitely work. The one I find most affective is touch. Just a brush of the hand, a flirty side hug or even a little pinch in the arm when a guy says something off color goes a long way. I can actually see the man warm to me almost instantly as if to say “did you just touch me, cool?.” Thanks for the advice it has helped me become a helpless flirt with even the most difficult men.

  17. Nina says:

    I find it easy to be challenging in a playful way. I like your examples a lot. I do have a problem giving compliments about my attraction to guys in small ways like your descriptions mentioned. I’m pretty decent when it comes to touch, especially if its someone I enjoy being around. Still trying to work on some of these skills. Great read!!

  18. Theresa says:

    Tantraaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;)

  19. Elken Maxwell says:

    Hey Stephen,

    Great advice for the beginner. There is so much more out there, which means we women have one up on you.

    I like having an audience (his mates) when I flirt with a guy and I am on my own. It’s a fun balance of him trying to act cool in front of his mates as well as him trying to flirt back. He can’t of course because of his surroundings, which adds even more to the sexual tension. I then leave the group to go talk with my friends. Sure enough 99% of the time, the guy will then approach me and try his hand at flirting and winning me over.

  20. sara says:

    I find it super difficult to create sexual tension with guys once we are dating , u may find this weird but I can be suoer flirty with a guy i dont know that is looking at me , with a guy i just met, with a guy who asks for my number, but once i have dated this person i get super uncomfortable and i dont know how to do it anymore, it just doesnt come out natyurally, I believe it is because at the beginning i know that person wants my attention but once im dating them i feel like i have to get theirs :/

    • Feriel says:

      Oh that’s what I feel and it stops me for doing the first move to tease him, seduce him… And I don’t know what to do

  21. Maz says:

    I’m so glad this article has come about, as it’s one of the things I’ve always had the most difficulty with. What to do next. I’m queen of defuse. I’ve always ended up either giving up or laughing it off, then regretting it. Like the fact it’s put in a lighthearted way and doesn’t have to be too serious. Would be nice to see a vid about this, as well.

  22. Shev says:

    Great article, Stephen! Unfortunately fall into the category of finding it difficult or uncomfortable with creating sexual tension. :( I get placed in the friend zone quite quickly, and it is where I feel comfortable! Therefore need to work on moving outside my comfort zone! However given the fact that in the past I was to shy or awkward to even talk to guys, at least it’s a step in the right direction!! Need to find opportunities to continue to practice creating sexual tension, with my interactions with guys. And to become more comfortable with it my self. Otherwise I will always remain the guys’ “cute” friend. ( I really hate being called cute! )
    Thanks again, Stephen!
    Warmest regards,
    Shev XX

  23. Phoebe says:

    I use to be like this naturally around guys and girls but I used to get they “who does she think she is?” from women and “your such a tease” from guys. I retreated from that and became boring like they were. Thanks for the advice! I like that seduction doesn’t have to be serious.

  24. Shikha says:

    Haha okay thanks for the fun advice! I just find it hard n awkward to react when a guy makes a sexual joke/innuendos. Any advice for that?

  25. kish says:

    Playfulness + Spontaneity + Connection – Sexuality = Friend Trap

    Brilliant! You guys nailed it. And this certainly holds for men too.

    I def. don’t find it easy to create sexual tension and I don’t feel comfortable with it usually.

    Being playful, challenging him in a silly way, lightly teasing etc. comes easily to me.

    I haven’t tried lip biting. But I could try this if you say so.

    Light touching, giving compliments about appearance and “jokey” attraction are difficult for me.

    I’m not a touchy feely person in general so that doesn’t come naturally to me. Usually it is the guys who break the touch barrier. Some people are just naturally more touchy feely so it means nothing to me when it happens.

    I feel the jokey attraction trick is really juvenile and I hate it when guys do that to me. I prefer more directness from them if they want to convey attraction. It feels like game playing otherwise. I am not in favor of jokey attraction myself.

    As for prolonged eye contact–I’m normally comfortable with it but I haven’t stared at anyone to convey attraction because I don’t want to come across as insane/stalkerish. Usually it is the guys who initiate this and often it turns a little competitive when I stare back. And I am never sure if the guy is being seductive or just asserting his dominance and being controlling. So this has mixed responses and often leaves me confused.

    I do see great value in making a man feel manly. More suggestions on this are welcome. This is especially important because I struggle with being feminine without coming across as silly, weak and helpless.

    Despite my difficulty with sexual tension, I haven’t been friend zoned ever. Either guys just like me that way or they ignore me. I have never been attracted to a guy friend and keep them in the friend zone and don’t mind if they think I’m like their little sister. I enjoy the good treatment that comes from that. It is usually the guy who develops feelings/crushes in the friendship–never me. I believe that guys tend to befriend girls they like in the hope that she may like them back. Guys tend to ignore women they don’t find attractive in some way, IME, so guys who don’t find me attractive don’t even become my friends–unless they’re married or something.

  26. sandra says:

    Thanks for this great article. I appreciate that you have practical examples that illustrate you point. They are very helpful and show that its really not as scary as you might have initially imagined. Well done.

  27. Chantal says:

    Hi stephen, I have a question :) I finished reading a book by Steve Harvey where he says to wait three months before kissing. Won’t a guy leave if I make him wait that long?

  28. Kathryn says:

    In the wake of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ we know what rolling your eyes in a cute way gets you, Mr Hussey! This is the point though isn’t it, there is no sexual tension, teasing, playing without a sense of humour. I don’t know how they filmed that without cracking up. There was a well to do chap in the cinema with a deep throaty laugh, kept setting me off. Clearly we were having more of a laugh than the romantic couple on screen. You can’t have sexual tension without sexual desire. I don’t think there was a straight woman in the cinema wouldn’t want to relieve Jamie Dornan of his clothes like it was a medical emergency. Ana looked like she’d rather be reading Jane Austen!
    I seem to remember you like Eggs Benedict! X

  29. neethuz says:

    It it was after i usually get sort of uncomfortable and used to cover it up with humour.but after i heard matt advising that wud actually turn a guy off..i changed my ways too..i did see that guys did have more rising interest..sort of scary though;) I have somehow managed to strike a balance..and now both u brothers have convinced me how much a guy loves it. Thanks for making me much more feminine with your wisdom:)

  30. Ronda says:

    I think I may convey some of this occasionally, but not consciously. I have many affectionate male friends, but most of them have partners already so my mind isn’t thinking about any of this when they’re hugging me. A couple of the single ones say and do flirty things sometimes, but I tend to brush off the comments because I don’t want to give the wrong impression or make them think I like them other than as a friend. (One guy I know never let’s up with the overly suggestiveness no matter how much I roll my eyes and ignore him. Lol!) I guess the trick is trying to find someone I actually like and testing the waters.

  31. zoe says:

    I used to be so good at this… Until my ex tried to control me by calling me a cocktease – and literally made me afraid of being this way with guys In case they took advantage.
    Thank you for this post – and reminding me tthat my sexuality is ok!!

  32. Viktorija says:

    Oh my… This is the thing I’m scared about the most. I always flinch when a guy touches my arm or hugs me by the shoulder. I ALWAYS run away. Good article though, gave me some guts not to be scared.

  33. Victoria says:

    I think of sexual tension as a combination:
    Flirting + Pushbacks.

    Flirting includes positive acts such as words, glances, gestures, and touches. Pushbacks are actions that remind the guy that he has to work to gain and keep your favor.

    Flirting and pushbacks should be applied not just to your guy but also to other men, albeit in different ways. Flirting with others must be limited to friendliness, and pushbacks to others must be more decisive, especially in the presence of your guy.


  34. Lisa Marie Peters says:

    Thanks for this article and the differnt practical examples on how to create sexual tension.
    Another reason, why not every woman feels comfortable embracing that sexual, feminine side of hers might also be a lack of confidence. Maybe she feels insecure and shy, and is afraid of taking that risk. In my experience being playful and fun about it is a good way to begin with. Once you´re getting more comfortable and confidant in creating sexual tension you could try something with more intensity like the eye contact game you suggested. It´s important to create new positive reference points in that area first, but once you get the first great experiences, you´ll learn that taking these risks brings you more confidence, pleasure and out of the friend zone.

    • Maz says:

      This is good advice. Certainly would find it easier and makes sense starting with the playful/fun approach, as you describe.

  35. Lisa says:

    Steve I loved this Article!! I never thought of it that way before, things girls/Women can do to stimulate Sexual Tension. For me in the past with my Current Partner it just helped that he was really Fit and Alpha Driven, I think subconsciously our Animal sides just want to mate with the Ones with the best Genes and Strongest Future Male Household Head Potential. Playful Tenderness is key too though, that’s what melts the Ice and builds the Strongest Trust Bridge which is what I think Anastasia and Christian had going for them (your Biting the Lip Section made me laugh so hard, I loved Dakota’s Performance but felt that that part was Overplayed in an Unnatural Way)

    Yeah I would say the best way to stimulate Sexual Tension for Muchachas is to just work on being the best King of the Jungle you can be, and Vice Versa to turn on the Guys. As you get Older Competence and Responsibility Appeal become Major Turn Ons, because that’s what screams out Best Long Term Catch in my Eyes :0)

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