How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?

If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.

Has Caring Too Much Ever Sabotaged Your Relationship?
Are You Ready to Create Something Real in Your Love Life?
Leave a Comment Below…

I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…

“Dating Sucks…”

Now why do they feel this way?

Because they want to create something real.

Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.

You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…

Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.

Now this leaves people very frustrated.

It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.

I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.

It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:

I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.

What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.

A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.

Check it out.


Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”

Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”

Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”

Matthew: “Thank you.”

Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”

Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.

“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.

“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”

Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”

Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…

“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’

“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get  that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.

“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.

“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.

“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.

“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.

“It is.

“It one hundred percent is.

“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.

“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.

“No one is… It’s…

“It’s really hard no matter who you are.

“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.

“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.

“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”

Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”

Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”

Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”

Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”

Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”

Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”

Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]

Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?

“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?

“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.

“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]


“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.

“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’

“I don’t buy it for a second.

“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’

“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…

“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.

“But you have to get back to that question:

“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?

“What thing would I give up in my life?

“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.

“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?

“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.

“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.

“Keep being proactive.

“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.

“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.

“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.

“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.

“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”


Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.

You are dealing with so much crap.

People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.

The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.

That leads to a scarcity mindset.

When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.

You get so excited about it.

So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.

Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.

Someone treating you worse than you deserve.

Someone not truly investing in you.

We start making excuses for them.

We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.

When would you find someone again?

You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?

Now here’s the really dangerous part.

When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.

So it looks like this:

Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.

They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.

So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.

So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.

The pseudo relationship.

The halfway house.

The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.

The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.

If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.

So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.

I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.

I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.

How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.

So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.

Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.

For now, leave me a comment.

Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.

And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.

I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

270 Responses to How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

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  1. Sue says:

    Been there. Such a waste of time. Thank God zI have now the relationship the marriage and the family that I desired.

  2. anita says:

    I love SACRIFICE THE BULLSHIT!!! Feeling like I’m currently in one of those relationships, but having trouble cutting it loose…for a variety of reasons. thank you.

  3. Nerizalyn says:

    A and B…

  4. Fereshte (iranian name that means an angel) says:

    Hi, i have lot of relationship, who they suddenly disappear and left me with no reason, although all of them really like every side of me, my educatio, my face, my behavior and all the things about a girl…
    So these guys make me frustrated and i don’t what can i do in these situation.
    In three weeks ago, one of them disappear with no reason, never text me back anh atleast blocked on the app, while he really attracted to me and investing all of his free time for me although he is a doctor and he was too beasy. Please help what can i do in this case, when really like or more than love him and i don’t know what that he act in this way. Thank you so much for your helping program that make me awake about my mistakes in relationships.

  5. Lori W says:

    I have fallen into this trap and after the second date and he walked i realized what mistakes i made. I am glad that i have had your notes to assist me in realizing what happened. I am grateful for that. Still taking on new dates but with a fun perspective.. and no thoughts of latching just enjoying myself. So far its been so much fun. Thank you

  6. Yvonne says:

    Hi Matthew . I Absolutely Love Your Light. Watching The Video Definitely Gave Me An Aha Moment . Last Year The Man I Loved Politely Kicked My Ass To The Curb With Both Feet After 2 Years Of Being Together. He Had begun to bread crumb and gas light me. I had enough and confronted him. Shit Or Get Off The Pot. I Feel Used. I Am Much To Good Of A Woman To Accept This. He Gave Me A Bunch Of Excuses About Not Knowing Where His Life Was Going And Needing To Figure Things Out blah blah blah . Yep I Went Off On Him Something Scandalous Because I Offered Him Some Space A Year Prior And I Said I Am Not Going To Sit Around Waiting But I Will Fall Back And Let You Figure Out Some Things However You Need To Understand That I Deserve A Man Who Knows Who He Is And What He Wants So If I Meet That Man While You Still Aren’t Sure I Am Going To See What’s Up. He Assured Me That He Was Good Let’s Proceed With The Relationship. So When My Spirit Was Telling Me Different I Addressed It. Like Babe Let’s Get Together In Person And Talk. He Didn’t Want To. Instead He Starts Giving Me This It’s Not You It’s Me Speech. Also His Mother Was Very Intrusive In Our Relationship. I Was Very Upset That He Would Text Me Some Bullshit Break Up Script Without Even Talking To Me In Person Or The Phone. To Me That Was Low From A Guy Who Was Supposed To Be My Friend As Well As My Man. My Response Was Not Pretty But I Did Apologize For How I Expressed My Anger. My Feelings About How I Was Treated I Stood Behind 100%. The Thing That Also Really Stung Was I Knew Why He Stopped Seeing Value In Me. I Stuck Around Way To Long With His Spinning And Lying. His Mom’s Behavior. It Was Unacceptable. BUT There I Was Hoping That He Would Just Get It Together. Whelp, It Doesn’t Work That Way. Had I Left Him Alone When My Instincts Told Me To I Should Have So That He Would See That I Wasn’t Going To Let Him Jerk Me Around Nor Deal With Anyone Meddling In Our Relationship. I Promised Myself After That I Am Never Going To Doubt My Inner Voice About People And When A Man Shows Me The First Time That He Can’t Come Correct me It’s Time To Remove Myself From The Situation. If The Guy Straightens Up And Decides To Earn Another Chance ‍♀️. The Point Will Always Be About Me. How I Handle Myself As A Lady. I Recently Had To Pull Out Of A Dating Situation Due To Unacceptable Behavior. I Didn’t Like The Hurt Feelings Part (That Sucks) But I Felt Good That I Loved Myself Enough To Walk Away From A Man Who Did Not Deserve Me .

  7. Matt Smith says:

    Very good advice. We allow our feelings for someone cloud and justify our reasons to be with them. It’s important to look for the red flags early on, when it’s easier to end it.

  8. Maria says:

    Yeah, definitely I can see myself making all the mistakes you’ve mentioned and we have split up only for a week. Well, based on the misconduct reasons for the end of the relationship I would like to try to get it back by practicing a new behaviour. And if the new standards and dynamic sounds really scary to him then it really means there’s no love anymore.

  9. Irene Predazzi says:

    Yup, it definitely has.

  10. Merav says:

    Hey Matthew,

    First, I would like to say I’ve been following you for over a year now and I’m addicted ! :) You are funny and inspiring and have made me change the way i see myself and realize my true value. This had an impact in different aspects of my life; on my communication skills, social skills and even my career and life choices. Thank you.

    I’m 32, and I didn’t had any real relationship in my adult life.
    I have done a lot of personal growth and now that i feel i’m finally ready for love, i find that the game (dating apps or even setups) is frustrating and exhausting, which i realize is not a good mindset to be in… Most of my dates are ‘blind dates’ and usually disappointing (no chemistry on my side or really flaky behavior on their side).

    In your videos you talk a lot about what to do/how to act when you meet someone you like, but what if i don’t meet any guys i like?
    I’m a very social person and since i recently moved to a new city (in a new country) i’m very active in meeting new friends and creating a social life, but the ‘love’ part is just stuck in a loop of flaky guys i don’t have any connection with.

    You asked in the video ‘what am i giving up’? my answer is HOPE. After years of been single, been treated badly and not meeting any guy i really liked, how do i not give up hope of finding the right guy?


  11. Phil says:

    You are 100 % correct !
    I let this exact thing happen for over 2 years. I watched the relationship deteriorate and couldn’t understand why it was happening. If I had only opened my mouth and stood up for myself ! When I look back now and see all the red flags, it amazes me how I let it happen !!!
    Matt you are amazing !

  12. Cassandra Decker says:

    You have great dating advice! I share your videos with all my single friends.

  13. Donna Ford says:

    I did the wrong thing…..I wanted him so much, I did the wrong thing….what can I do to reverse this mistake and get him to take me seriously?

  14. Carolyn says:

    I’m a senior widow in some sort of relationship with a man I’ve known for several years. We like each other. We have fun together and we are intimate. The problem is he has a female friend that he helps with yard work every summer. She hardly talks to him all winter. When spring comes she wants himvthere everyday. Putting in a new lawn, making a walk, now this year putting in a water feature. I live in Florida in winter. He comes to visit. I talk to him everyday. He sent candy for valentine day. Bought me a beautiful ring for my birthday and yet when I come home for summer he spends more time with her than me. Their relationship is not intimate or the least bit romantic. I love him, he has told me he loves me but I feel like I can’t keep taking a back seat to her and I’m trying not to be possessive but don’t know how to handle this or what to say. I watched your video about the castle and it really hit home. But I have never thought we were in a committed relationship. I’m miserable with him and miserable without. I wish I could just enjoy the days we spend together and not care about what he does when we are apart. What truly bothers me is she is such a user. She only calls when she needs him to help her and he just can’t see it. I know this will never change. When I tell him he would rather have a relationship with her than me he says he doesn’t. He’s with me. Such mixed messages has me under so much stress I question if I would be better off alone.

  15. Kayla says:


    First of all you’re amazing. I go listen to your podcasts and videos if I ever need advice on a guy. I’m in a current situation that has really thrown me for a loop. I met this guy and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He treats me well, he’s a complete gentleman, and he’s the most driven person I know. We spent pretty much every day together for 2 weeks until he left to go do summer sales. He’s going to be away for about 5 months, and he told me he just really wants to focus on work until he gets home. We decided not to talk because it’s too hard. I thought everything was going perfect. I was the first girl he’s ever brought home and introduced to family and friends. I just really don’t know what to do! The thought of not talking to him/ seeing him for 5 months literally kills me. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this, but does he not like me? Do I reach out to him at all? I just don’t want him to feel like I’m needy. SOS

  16. Lindsay Beacham says:

    What about trying to date a man with PTSD. Are the rules different?

  17. Gigi says:

    Hi Matt;
    My thing is that is that when a guy complied about something that I do It’s tricky to get objective and realize whester he is right and i should apollogice and change that or if he is bullshiting me annd making me feel mad for no reason and having me apollogicing for no reason a d therefore deminishing myself

  18. Megan says:

    How do you know if your accepting bad behavior.
    I met a guy we went on a couple of dates and seriously connected both physically and emotionally. About a month later he decided there were some red flags and he didn’t want to hurt me by dragging me on a relationship when there were red flags.
    Since then we have been friends with benefits. But I get lots of mixed messages from him. We catch up
    And the sex is amazing, but then there is lots of intimacy attached. We chat daily. When he was away with no reception the first thing he did when he got reception was message me.
    So I’m not sure if he wants more if if he’s messaging me because were awesome friends that have a deep connection.

  19. GbengaCharles says:

    I just got an answer to a question that’s been bothering me about relationship.
    Thanks Matt.

  20. Pau says:

    totally agree with everything!!
    Matt you should help us increase this “men pool”!! Create a course for men!!

  21. Ginger Allison Morrison says:

    Keep them focused on you being your self and tell them how you feel when you are with them

  22. Angelica says:

    A!! I’m so sick and tired of it. I’ve fallen victim to guys saying they want to date but they use me by bringing me out around people, showing me off like I’m a prize. Even if sex is off the table, which it always is, they rather have me around to say I’m their territory and then ghost me. Enough is enough

  23. Crown Nwachukwu says:

    Mathew you are a genius. You nailed it in this mail.God bless you.

  24. Sandra says:

    That is exactly what i’m doing… I value connection so much that i forget about myself. I think because it’s so hard for me to connect that when i feel that i have a real connection, i minimize me… And accept, i’m not saying bad behavior, but “less effort”, “crumbs” as you say, and that’s destructable for me… The person i want the most and value so much is the person who doesn’t move a finger to value me… That is so true!

  25. Nancy says:

    Omg Just give in the point that I’ve been
    I was justifying his behavior I was thinking why he was doing that things but I realize that I want something real not a bullshit relationship thanks to help me to finish to open my eyes
    I want to be B

  26. Candice Lawrence says:

    I did it. I’m guilty of both.
    I lowered my standards because I wanted to love him. I really liked him, and still do—I want him to be my one..but he isn’t giving me the same back. Totally sleeping with each other before we could be friends, and I know that’s completely backwards, but we have good chemistry.
    But he pulled the ghosting on me. After he had his fill, he didn’t want to meet up anymore…total jerk!
    So I told him the honest to god truth, raised my standards all the way up because I was done with the BS “his way”. He wasn’t leading me to anywhere. So now he’s either going to respect me and possibly a new relationship will come out of it, or he will continue to hide his head in the sand. I cannot wait to look him in his eyes because NOBODY is to take me for granted period! Sex is sex, I don’t fuck, I love. So the people I share my body, mind, and soul with I respect and love even if no long term relationship comes of it, but I expect to be respected—and that means a lot of things I cannot fit to explain in this comment window.
    I have about 20-40 and counting, guys trying to take my time, but I’m so burnt over this last guy, that I’m stumped.
    I want him, and nobody else…I don’t know if he knows what he wants, but he never gives me the chance to hang out and do activities other than sex to show him my other good qualities.
    Ultimately, the whole “just sex” relationship was a bad idea, and not working because he’s actually disrespecting me. For example, he only reply’s to my text if it contains sexual flirts or sexy photos, and not my casual hey what’s up here’s a little tid-bit on things I value and experience—he doesn’t reply to those. So naturally I’m picking up on his bullshit.
    I could forget about him and find a good guy jumping at the chance to treat me like their queen…but I got it bad for this guy.

  27. Laura says:

    Thanks for the video Matthew! I did fall into the trap of caring too much. Six months ago, my partner of nearly two years and I broke up. Before dating, we’d been friends for a few years. He was open about having feelings for me in our first few months of knowing each other. I fell for him more gradually over a period of two years as I watched him mature into a confident man whom I felt could compliment me. However, in our first few months of dating, I noticed that he had some difficulty with vulnerability and found it difficult to fully open to me. I decided to be patient and allow him to open at a pace at which he felt comfortable and our relationship blossomed into something very loving and beautiful during the first year. However during the second year of our relationship, it seemed as though the stresses of starting a large business and bearing emotional responsibility towards a partner might have been compounding for him. He became less independent and sought my advice and that of others (especially his parents) whenever it came to making any sort of decision or trying to understand his emotions. Not recognizing that this was becoming a large problem for him internally, I would try to help when he’d express insecurity or uncertainty (about us and many other things) by talking him through the situation and through his feelings. I did this out of a desire to ease both his pain and the pain I felt as he’d begun taking his stress out on me by being increasingly critical of me. He then became increasingly distant and eventually verbally aggressive and would withhold affection from me often. Instead of setting clear boundaries with him and then enforcing consequences when he would speak disrespectfully to me or without affection (the two behaviours I found most hurtful), I would tell him I wasn’t ok with his behaviour but would then still spend all my time with him when he asked, gradually forgetting about my own needs outside of the relationship. Although I’d been accepting that I may have to end the relationship as it was killing my self-confidence, I believed he would work on his behaviour, as he’d said he would. Then after another instance of him withholding affection and me beginning to cry (I’d begun crying more and more in the last few weeks, as the rejection was painful), he broke up with me saying that having responsibility towards me, running a business, and satisfying his parents had become too hard. He admitted later that he hadn’t planned on breaking up with me and had done this spontaneously, out of overwhelm. I have had a rough time accepting the break in part because of this. I feel so frustrated that I allowed him to treat me in the way that he did for an entire year (I’m pretty sure his respect for me did decline because of this) and that he then broke up with me on the premise that I was asking too much of him, as he said.
    Six months later, I am ready for a relationship in which love and respect flow more freely and with a man who is deeply sentient, yet has a very positive relationship with his emotions.
    I realize this has become a journal entry – it’s just what I felt I needed to do! If you have any thoughts, I’d love to hear them.

  28. Venessa Lopez says:

    Been there before excepting bad behavior from men that end I realize they never cared so hard To trust anyone theses days

  29. Ally says:

    Been there, done that! I have lost 6 years of my life with a guy, accepting bad behavior and being treated casually. Ibam more than ready for anything else!

  30. louise fitzpatrick says:

    a friend i worked with told me im his crush for a long time -hes fantasied about us dating and what we would be like as a couple. we couldnt do anything at that tome as we both had partners but not so good relationships. we had the date and all went good, however he has a kid and hes newly single. he has asked to see me again & continue to date each other taking it slow &he talked & invited himself to stay over at mine, he doesn’t want serious at the-moment hes not ready and i agree we are both not ready. we dont want to ruin the friendship if it doesnt work out.

    i went on a work day out and everything changed. he started a argument with me when i sent him a friendly text. 2weeks later ,he didnt apologise untill i did. a week later he fully explained in detail how hes feeling & kept saying single life isnt for him and he preferes to be with someone who knows his needs and wants. i used your line “i think you need to go away and figure out what you want”

    a couple of days past is when he apologised by text. i know hes in a bad place mentally as hes wanted to self harm and he knows i understand him hes just not ready to date anyone as he cant get seriousness out of his head i suggested to him we stay friends but he is still giving me mixed signals- suggesting he wants i really like him!!! iv liked him for as long as hes liked me -8year

  31. Stephanie says:

    This continues to happen to me the breadcrumbing. I’ve gotten better at writing people off however it seems as though men will start off great and interested then gradually deviate. I’m wondering if I’m too open in offering my time and if this makes me look desperate.

  32. Natascha says:

    happening right now with one special person i can‘t cut the cords

  33. Doreen Awuah says:

    I have really experienced this situation before
    I cared so much about this guy cos he was everything I needed ….he could even shout on me ….tell me unnecessary stuffs I need not to hear …be angry for no reason …later on I will plead with him really sucks cos I kept embracing all these…thinking that he would change all because I was scared to lose him
    Later on …I made a bold decision that I don’t deserve this treatment …so I left
    Ever since then ..::I have not had interest in any relationship…but I want to believe there are great guys there ……
    Hoping to meet someone who will love me

  34. Cindy DeLuca says:

    This is me! This exactly what has been happening time and time again!! I am so ready and open to changing this pattern and I’m ready for something real and enduring!!

  35. Janet Legg says:

    Mathew , You are so on the mark! . I relate to everything you were saying . You are telling my story. Im so ashamed of my behaviour and now realise it was my underling mindset that was leading me to play act in certain ways that wasn’t the real me. I hope I have learnt this painful lesson and be brave enough to value myself more and not to put up with BullShit.
    Thank You.!

  36. Sibel says:

    Nice shot! ;)

    Thank you for sharing this conservation. Hope is a root of life. I think being an attractive and smart women is more difficult. I know some intelligent women who aren’t alone. Also some smart ones are alone at the end of the day but they are the cutest ones around me.

    Actually, I cannot step back and act less smart. What is done is done. However, I try to control less and act more passive.

    Well, we know the fact. This helps finding reasons and we need solutions. So I have questions: Why does this happen in the postmodern world and how can we change men’s point of view?


  37. Mmono says:

    I’m really ready to create something real. I’m tired of being ghosted and meaningless hookups. I’m in the situation. I’ve even given up on going on dates and having fun,which is frustrating.

  38. Alison Corcoran says:

    Thanks Matthew for spelling out the truth of a situation all too familiar to me.

  39. Jaci Knighten says:

    I am definitely in this situation at this moment! I have been feeling that I need to break it off with him because he does not make me feel special like I want to feel. This video has helped me decide that I deserve much better and I am willing to give up the security of having someone there but not treating me the way I want to be treated. Thank you!

  40. Rachel says:

    I am in this trap of accepting the worst behavior. Our ‘relationship’ is the 2nd time we’ve done this. Why did he reach out wanting me in his life after a 3 year break if he cannot give me what I deserve? I am willing to accept this bad behavior & non investment because I currently have no other options in my life. It’s this or nothing. It’s sad, I know I deserve more but I also feel like he is the one. I am just not able to end things, being alone is a lot sadder & lonlier than being in this ‘relationship’.

  41. Brooke says:

    Never commented on your videos but have to with this. I fall into this trap quite often.. actually in my last relationship I allowed myself to be strung along because I.. loved him? But ultimately knew he could never give me what I needed as he was married. Now before anyone jumps on me, he is in an open marriage, I became quite good friends with his wife. It was like we had this little unit. But I was the outsider and was the first to be cut when his life became ‘too busy.’ And yes, I know if he wanted to, he would make time ‍♀️

    Anyways on that note, I’d love to hear your thoughts on polyamory (ha! I’m sure they are not exactly in support). But it would be interesting to get your take and also how to deal with a break up of that type of relationship; especially one that was close with all partners.

  42. Marta says:

    Gold as always. Whenever I feel I am verging on wanting to impress someone too much, I say “fuck it” to bring myself back to gravity; fuck that overanalyzing, over – perfecting, over-paying attention to say something too risky and fuck it to falling for someone too quickly, “too slowly” is much better.

    On another note, have you considered using a white board instead? I must admit I hate to see all this paper ending up in the environment plus you can erase if you need to correct something. ;) I hope you take it the right way b/c I have nothing but love for ya :)

  43. Jilly Fitz says:

    Thank You=
    I **TOTALLY** get it, Im **COMPLETELY** guilty of doing it & I **PROBABLY** would have continued the “CYCLE” had U not alerted me to my SELF-DESTRUCTING ways!

  44. M depagter says:

    Oh my gosh. Thank you. That so explains my mindset in my love life. I feel like men want me as a challenge and once I like them Bang they start caring less. But I can see now that I do latch on without realizing it because I’m so tired of trying again and again
    The things they do make absolutely no sense. It’s truly hard to keep letting myself care or invest even a little bit of my feelings cuz I know its gonna fail AGAIN. Helps to know I’m not the only one frustrated

  45. Narcisa Tabarnero says:

    Yes Matt I can relate. But, I’m not giving up. I wanted to hold on to it.I just need to understand and think positive. It takes two to tango.

  46. Sangi says:

    I’m definitely in this situation at the moment.
    Especially going all ghostly on me atm
    I’m so sick of it

    Please help….

  47. Isabella says:

    Yes, caring too much has Always sabotaged my relationships.

  48. Sonia says:

    Hi there- I’m sending a message this way in response to mat’s hugely acclaimed video of today, where he offers us to say something. I’m doing it this way because I think this man might get to read my message if I did it the other way. Yes, I am absolutely stuck with a crush on a man, a long crush, and getting crumbs. I stopped it two months ago and if I told you the story your would find it ridiculous and I can’t really call it dating or an affair. The lightest thing I can say about him is that he only sees me as a friend but I think there was something more. I felt a lovely connection and there have been very nice moments. But. And his friends say he’s an absolute weirdo with everyone, constantly in and out of the cave and not open to commitment. As I said I stopped it but it’s being hell. And though I may be obsessed with him, I am not a desperate one clinging to the first one around, I don’t accept anything; it’s just that my feelings and attraction for him are the strongest. Thank you and congratulations for being such a sexy adorable and fabulous coach ❤️

  49. Lindsey says:

    I’m having a hard time even getting dates to happen. I’m on Bumble (has yet to lead to a date), gave my phone numbers to guys I met casually (they never texted after or blocked me on Social Media after they asked for it) and have been putting myself out there in great environments that I enjoy (surfing, Boxing, Beach Clean ups, Yoga, Bars, Concerts etc.) I’ve been single for 10 years, been putting myself in the “high value” realm for 3 years and yet, I have yet to go out on a date.

  50. Deborah says:

    I found this out some years ago but 10 years on I’ve yet to come across a guy who is willing to invest any time in getting to know me.
    I get offers to hook up but have long since found this demeaning,degrading and demoralising. They just move on to the woman who is willing to put up with this crap. Modern dating , hopeless !

  51. Ellie says:

    I love this. I recently ended it with a guy who was lovely but rarely forthcoming with affection, rarely initiated anything physical or dates, was not generous. I told him the way I wanted my relationship to be before I then want marriage and children and he made small efforts towards it, but not enough for me. It’s liberating and empowering to know what I want and demand it!

  52. womanofwoman says:

    definitely accepting less than i deserve is a problem i currently have. desperate to find real connection though sick of empty meaningless encounters

  53. Krystal says:

    Totally in this situation right now. Please help

  54. Pat says:

    I’m stuck in this right now.

  55. Caroline says:

    I love the “f*** statistics” logic. But I don’t agree on the idea that people wouldn’t stop doing things to find someone special if they gave up on the idea of finding someone special. I would stop online dating, I would stop socialising on events or even going to events, I wouldn’t try to approach men in bars, I would stop telling my friends to introduce me to men that could be interesting. I would stop being proactive.

    So I should give up the worry. But I would definitely stop being proactive.

  56. Lauren Martinez says:

    Hi my name is Lauren Martinez I’m 23 years old and I’m from Miami I can definitely relate to this video. I have a disability called CP.
    Are the guys that I like put me in the friend zone I’m starting to think I have too much baggage for them.

  57. Debbie Clark says:

    Yes and yes!!!

  58. Stephanie says:


    I fell into this trap and lived in it for 3 years TOTALLY WILLING to accept his bullshit for a lifetime because of the love I felt for him. BUT it took him ghosting me (after 3 years) for me to finally realize I didn’t love myself enough and that’s why he treated me that way.

    I’m ready now more than ever to find something real, because NOW I have been teaching me how to love myself and our relationship is renewed. Now I want to bring in a life partner to love me as much as I love me!

  59. Sara says:

    Great insight!

  60. Shade says:

    Really insightful as well as practical… thanks!

  61. Rebecca says:

    Omg after coming out of a narcissistic domestic violence relationship, I’ve done exactly this…I didn’t even realise or how I got there…
    How do we go from being knowing what we want and know what are morals are to lowering them for sake of love..
    thank you.. still hoping for a nice honest bloke one day..

  62. Giada Calcagni says:

    A dear friend suggested me to watch and listen your passionate videos and listen carefully to what you are saying. Well I am doing it after I found the courage to break up from the man I thought I could create something with.
    The man I saw as a perfect mate for me but eventually he didn’t see me as it. Feeling now misunderstood, not loved, confused cause he was sending me mixed signals and vibration so I took the one glimpse of whatever I thought it could have worked out for us, for me, and I didn’t let go. Sick & Tired of answers like “I don’t know” I let him go.
    This is one of his messages “ I’m sorry that I’m putting you through so much pain and sadness. I deeply care for you and all you do for me. Your thoughts and kind words. I just don’t think a relationship is good for me right now. And it has nothing to do with you as a person or woman. I’m just still trying to figure things out.“ He was actually clear he didn’t want a relationship but after he sent out all of the mixed signals
    I really think caring too much for him, being there, helping with supportive words, cooking dinners,being lovely, honest and myself it wasn’t enough,he didn’t want any of that, I guess I was sabotaging my relationship cause I wasn’t taken seriously or my behaviour wasn’t right.
    I am really craving to settle down and create the beautiful family I never had cause my mother passed when I was very young and I got to see her pain, and this is the scar of my kind soul.
    Thank you for all the things you are sharing you make me feel worthy and mentally powerful.

  63. Cherene says:

    Thankyou. I gave a fella a second chance after they stopped texting. Because we spoke so well, I wanted to try again. Talking again, he did what you said and did not put the effort in because I was obviously keen. I stated what I want and expect in a relationship. He gave me nothing, I shook his hand, wished him luck and off I went.

  64. Janet says:

    Hello Mattrew I have been off and on again with this man I love so much but he dosnt take me seriously when he knows how I feel he says he loves me but no commitment no time no special moments as if he is still searching should I just step back and let it go the thing is he is the one for me I see that he can be a better man I just don’t know how to make that happen need your Help please

  65. Brady says:

    This video reminds me of my relationship with my ex which lasted 4 years. What I realised much later after the relationship ended I was over caring because I felt a lot of fear…fear of loosing him. What I also realised is a relationship cannot be based on fear because fear is the opposite of love.

  66. Nathalie says:

    Ow I can absolutely relate to this topic.
    Sometimes really thi king of giving up the persukt of a good relationship…
    See I am single and dating for almost 5 years.
    I grew a lot since I follow you Matthew!
    Done with the crumb taking, ghosting…
    I know my value and my standards…
    Thing is now, I only walk away!
    The 4 last men with whom I was dating and I really liked were not treating the way I want to be treated in a relationship.
    Now I feel like always walking away!
    Not that those guys were bad or not looking far a serious relationship, I just notice that men (in their 40’s)are, in one way or another, scared too.

    I notice that a lot of people want a serious relationship but that they are also scared to lose a part of them self, due to negative experiences as di lrce where they lost a lot of money or the relationship with there kids.

    It is like people only wanting the “funny” and nice things of a relationship without the less funny parts of a relationship.

    Both men and women seem scared nowadays and that combined with the paradox of choice through dating apps makes it even worse..

    So yes I am still believing in a relationship, but I now focus on being happy myself instead of focusing on a relationship.

    And I feel much better and alive.

    Thanks Matthew for your great adcise

  67. Nadine says:

    Fantastic advice. Spot on. Thank you

  68. Kelly says:

    Amazing video you really spoke to my current situation and while I’m frustrated at the moment I know my self worth and will stay true to that and myself – thank you

  69. malou says:


  70. Lys says:

    Thanks Matthew, interestingly enough I just laid firm boundary on a breadcrumb story, taking the risk to declare I am uninterested in being treated the way he was treating me. Letting him know that I was only prepared to meet like with like in terms of energy and action, which, if he continued would him as a distant acquaintance in my social circle. Paradoxically he is stepping up. I would never have credited that owning my value so clearly and being prepared to move on would have turned things around. Your advice has really helped. So again thank you for the service you are giving to women.

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