How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?

If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.

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I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…

“Dating Sucks…”

Now why do they feel this way?

Because they want to create something real.

Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.

You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…

Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.

Now this leaves people very frustrated.

It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.

I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.

It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:

I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.

What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.

A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.

Check it out.

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Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”

Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”

Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”

Matthew: “Thank you.”

Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”

Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.

“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.

“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”

Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”

Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…

“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’

“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get  that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.

“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.

“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.

“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.

“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.

“It is.

“It one hundred percent is.

“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.

“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.

“No one is… It’s…

“It’s really hard no matter who you are.

“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.

“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.

“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”

Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”

Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”

Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”

Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”

Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”

Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”

Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]

Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?

“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?

“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.

“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]

“Okay.

“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.

“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’

“I don’t buy it for a second.

“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’

“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…

“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.

“But you have to get back to that question:

“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?

“What thing would I give up in my life?

“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.

“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?

“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.

“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.

“Keep being proactive.

“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.

“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.

“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.

“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.

“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”

************************************************************************

Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.

You are dealing with so much crap.

People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.

The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.

That leads to a scarcity mindset.

When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.

You get so excited about it.

So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.

Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.

Someone treating you worse than you deserve.

Someone not truly investing in you.

We start making excuses for them.

We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.

When would you find someone again?

You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?

Now here’s the really dangerous part.

When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.

So it looks like this:

Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.

They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.

So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.

So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.

The pseudo relationship.

The halfway house.

The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.

The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.

If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.

So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.

I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.

I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.

How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.

So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.

Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.

For now, leave me a comment.

Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.

And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.

I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.

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273 Replies to “How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously”

  1. Caring too much? Yes sign me up. I do not know how to shut off showing how much I care. It is like the men enjoy the chase and as soon they catch you, boom, they start disconnecting. I am told I am a great person and we remain friends. But they don’t want a relationship with me. Online dating brings out the worse in people. I do my best to weed out anyone that sends off red flags. I don’t drive, I despise crowds, I work and come home. Wash and repeat. I can’t connect with people on a shallow level. I am either all in or not at all. I will not date if there is not a connection. I take my profiles down on the sites because it becomes taxing, mentally and emotionally. Online dating gives men the ability to hide behind a keyboard, saying things they never would face to face.

  2. I’m a single mum of two, recently left behind the scarcity mindset. It got so bad that I found myself desperately trying to hold on to a guy who hates kids… it’s amazing how much of myself I was willing to lose to keep hold of something that wasn’t actually all that great. Now I’m back out there dating and feel like anything is possible. For the first time in a long time I know my worth, and I’m not afraid anymore. Your videos have played a role in that journey. So keep smashing out great videos like this, you’re making the world a better place xx Thank you

  3. I definitely fall into this category I figured if I like somebody I should show them because I don’t want them to think that I don’t like them . This mindset has wasted months if not years of my time chasing the wrong guy Who I knew wasn’t interested but because he hadn’t said anything I may excuses for him.
    The last guy that I was talking to started doing the same thing and I still had the same mindset however I I didn’t have that mindset in the beginning but once I started feeling something towards him I had begun to lapse back into my old ways. He started to act uninvested, his messages got shorter and shorter, until it went days before he would message me; I took your advice and asked him if I should Move on in as nice and as blunt a way as I could, but I still let him know that I’m here if he were to need me and that I would give him his space.
    I had started to freak out about this thinking “well I really like this guy maybe I should’ve said that” or I even “ I messed it up” until I found your video and your advice always seems to help me understand these situations and in turn calm down my thoughts.
    Thank you for that first video when you were 19 and becoming the great spokes person you are today; you really are changing lives.

  4. Matthew as always inspirational. Like many, after years of all sorts of experiences, I always consider myself to be sure footed emotionally, strong mentally and adept at knowing very much what i want and need. Im aware of the needs of partners too but find that singular, addictive connection with someone, which is so alluring, so unique (but not really) and so attractive is the thing which draws me most to forget all and lose my mind..ha ha. I recently happily, let go of the bullshit as i have done many times but different this time in my balancing of the situation and realising what i was almost, happy in settling with, was i mad?? What was i thinking lol…. this video was such a refreshing way to look at things. It has reminded me not to be jaded….to enjoy the dance. U r so right, i wouldnt stop wanting to connect with men, the experience or life. And that ultimately my view of the process is what is driving it. Love watching and thinking over your thoughts. Ever evolving. Ever enlightening.
    Thankyou.

  5. I love all your videos but at the moment I’m just a man hater and happy alone xxx thanks Matt your so amazing you helped me so much through my break up now I’m so much stronger

  6. Yes, in my last relaitship I was completely accepting bullshit behaviour from my partner. Like he wasn’t answering my phone camls, our communication was done only via text messages. Sometime his response back was 1-2 days later.
    Emotionally he was unavailable not really interested about my projects or anything going in my life..finally my film broke I told hom that I can not continue the relationship this way with emotional absence..this way he responded immediately saying that he can’t handle relationship on a daily base and he wished me the best!!
    It was hard for me to hear that, since in the begining he convinced me that we have to be together and we have to communicate well to feel free to say what we feel. I did it and I feel good about that. It was him who choose to control and to communicate when he wanted..i felt manipulated :-(

  7. Hi Matt, I am 35yrs of age and a seafarer who spends around 10 months of the year on board ships. Scarcity is an understatement to what Im experiencing! On every ship we are around 2500 crew, my “pool” (the kind of people im interested in) are usually up to around 10 people (10 “maybe’s” / 10 “I would like to get to know them”). The rest are too young, married, just having fun etc.

    A) Have definitely sacrificed my standards and settled for bad treatment. Honestly this year though, I have gone a little cold and weeded out the bad ones immediately. I feel great, I like caring for- and nurturing myself. And I never stop improving, im always reading/ educating/learning in all fields of life.
    B) Hell yes :)

  8. I feel the thing I sacrifice is the guy I really like and I keep wondering how I can change that exact dynamic you are talking about. How can they feel the attraction, flirting, fun, but also respect me beyond this and want to know me more for who I am.

  9. Actually I give up of dating I think it disturbing me… it’s been mostly 3 years that I don’t have sex so… But, certainly I wish to meet the good guy but I am not sure that I know the kind of guy or relationship I really need to be … I am a case when I’m listening your videos I’m the problem

  10. Yes! I did the caring too much game with a guy for 3 years! I accepted that it was ok for him to come and go as he pleased because he was the first guy I had met in a long time that I actually had a connection with.

  11. So relating to this video right now! I’m literally gearing up to get out of the bullshit limbo I’ve been stuck in for the past 6 months. I know he’s not right for me and need to cut ties as I do want something real!

  12. Dear Matt,
    After watching your video it really opened my eyes to a whole new level of thinking. I always fell into this trap of thinking I should hold on or try harder when someone treated me nice and I would go above and beyond to make that person happy and in return I wasn’t getting anything or what I deserved. Leaving me unhappy and confused. The relationship would die down or the guy would eventually leave. I never been good at relationships and it’s been one heart ache after another. Just recently I wanted to give up on dating, until I saw your video today and realized I would be making a big mistake if I made that discussion. So thank you for all you do!!!

  13. Hi Matthew I’m really interested in see you the next week, I liked the video and I consider that is a real fact that has been going on for many years. I am attracting nowadays some guys but at the same time I feel that they are not what I deserve because they don’t enjoy as much as I do the process of getting to know each other. I will be patiently waiting for the next video thank you!

    By the way, something is going on with your free gifts because every moment I type my email o don’t receive anything back. I checked my junk mail and others and I don’t get anything, could you check please?

  14. Yes, I believe I’m doing that right now. He doesn’t give me the little things in life (I.e. ask me how my day was, give sincere kisses, he plays on his video game every second that he’s not working or sleeping).
    I really do want to turn this relationship around so we have real conversations with each other, bring back the intimacy and for him to really understand that his lack of caring about me (or at least that’s how it feels) is hurting me and destroying this relationship.

  15. Caring and wanting a relationship has led me to not respect myself. Having sex too soon with someone that says all the right things and then gives mixed signals. I want to stop being used.

  16. I am so ready to meet someone real. I actually can say I hate online dating. I am the girl who hasn’t walked away when treated bad bc I have had people use me before so I am scared of it having to try again but then they leave me anyway and I feel so stupid for having stayed.

  17. On point. I am not sure why I did it at the time, but I did too much accommodating even though I knew I didn’t like the compromise, now it’s crystal clear. It was me wanting the relationship to work, even though I knew it sucked for me, and he would have sucked as a partner in life. I knew this at date #2!! But I wanted this relationship (laughing now as I remember all of the red flags!!!) 5 months of the BS was right, that was two years ago. I joined Fast Track and a few other MH creations by the end of 2017, and I can’t tell you how it has slapped me back to reality. Today, I enjoy being me and the people who embrace me. I haven’t found the right relationship, but am okay with that. Thank you, not just for making it about dating, and making it about self worth! The funny remarks from Matthew, and I can’t leave out Stephen Hussey, has kept it very real!

  18. Totally relate to this Matt could fall into this trap right now. Putting my guy before everyone else! I see its a no no I will change my tac … Thank you Matt as ever x

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