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How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?

If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.

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I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…

“Dating Sucks…”

Now why do they feel this way?

Because they want to create something real.

Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.

You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…

Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.

Now this leaves people very frustrated.

It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.

I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.

It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:

I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.

What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.

A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.

Check it out.

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Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”

Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”

Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”

Matthew: “Thank you.”

Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”

Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.

“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.

“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”

Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”

Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…

“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’

“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get  that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.

“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.

“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.

“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.

“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.

“It is.

“It one hundred percent is.

“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.

“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.

“No one is… It’s…

“It’s really hard no matter who you are.

“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.

“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.

“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”

Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”

Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”

Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”

Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”

Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”

Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”

Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]

Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?

“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?

“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.

“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]

“Okay.

“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.

“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’

“I don’t buy it for a second.

“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’

“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…

“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.

“But you have to get back to that question:

“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?

“What thing would I give up in my life?

“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.

“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?

“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.

“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.

“Keep being proactive.

“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.

“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.

“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.

“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.

“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”

************************************************************************

Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.

You are dealing with so much crap.

People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.

The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.

That leads to a scarcity mindset.

When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.

You get so excited about it.

So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.

Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.

Someone treating you worse than you deserve.

Someone not truly investing in you.

We start making excuses for them.

We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.

When would you find someone again?

You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?

Now here’s the really dangerous part.

When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.

So it looks like this:

Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.

They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.

So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.

So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.

The pseudo relationship.

The halfway house.

The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.

The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.

If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.

So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.

I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.

I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.

How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.

So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.

Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.

For now, leave me a comment.

Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.

And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.

I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.

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273 Replies to “How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously”

  • Hey Matthew,

    First, I would like to say I’ve been following you for over a year now and I’m addicted ! :) You are funny and inspiring and have made me change the way i see myself and realize my true value. This had an impact in different aspects of my life; on my communication skills, social skills and even my career and life choices. Thank you.

    I’m 32, and I didn’t had any real relationship in my adult life.
    I have done a lot of personal growth and now that i feel i’m finally ready for love, i find that the game (dating apps or even setups) is frustrating and exhausting, which i realize is not a good mindset to be in… Most of my dates are ‘blind dates’ and usually disappointing (no chemistry on my side or really flaky behavior on their side).

    In your videos you talk a lot about what to do/how to act when you meet someone you like, but what if i don’t meet any guys i like?
    I’m a very social person and since i recently moved to a new city (in a new country) i’m very active in meeting new friends and creating a social life, but the ‘love’ part is just stuck in a loop of flaky guys i don’t have any connection with.

    You asked in the video ‘what am i giving up’? my answer is HOPE. After years of been single, been treated badly and not meeting any guy i really liked, how do i not give up hope of finding the right guy?

    Sincerely,
    M.

  • Yeah, definitely I can see myself making all the mistakes you’ve mentioned and we have split up only for a week. Well, based on the misconduct reasons for the end of the relationship I would like to try to get it back by practicing a new behaviour. And if the new standards and dynamic sounds really scary to him then it really means there’s no love anymore.

  • Very good advice. We allow our feelings for someone cloud and justify our reasons to be with them. It’s important to look for the red flags early on, when it’s easier to end it.

  • Hi Matthew . I Absolutely Love Your Light. Watching The Video Definitely Gave Me An Aha Moment . Last Year The Man I Loved Politely Kicked My Ass To The Curb With Both Feet After 2 Years Of Being Together. He Had begun to bread crumb and gas light me. I had enough and confronted him. Shit Or Get Off The Pot. I Feel Used. I Am Much To Good Of A Woman To Accept This. He Gave Me A Bunch Of Excuses About Not Knowing Where His Life Was Going And Needing To Figure Things Out blah blah blah . Yep I Went Off On Him Something Scandalous Because I Offered Him Some Space A Year Prior And I Said I Am Not Going To Sit Around Waiting But I Will Fall Back And Let You Figure Out Some Things However You Need To Understand That I Deserve A Man Who Knows Who He Is And What He Wants So If I Meet That Man While You Still Aren’t Sure I Am Going To See What’s Up. He Assured Me That He Was Good Let’s Proceed With The Relationship. So When My Spirit Was Telling Me Different I Addressed It. Like Babe Let’s Get Together In Person And Talk. He Didn’t Want To. Instead He Starts Giving Me This It’s Not You It’s Me Speech. Also His Mother Was Very Intrusive In Our Relationship. I Was Very Upset That He Would Text Me Some Bullshit Break Up Script Without Even Talking To Me In Person Or The Phone. To Me That Was Low From A Guy Who Was Supposed To Be My Friend As Well As My Man. My Response Was Not Pretty But I Did Apologize For How I Expressed My Anger. My Feelings About How I Was Treated I Stood Behind 100%. The Thing That Also Really Stung Was I Knew Why He Stopped Seeing Value In Me. I Stuck Around Way To Long With His Spinning And Lying. His Mom’s Behavior. It Was Unacceptable. BUT There I Was Hoping That He Would Just Get It Together. Whelp, It Doesn’t Work That Way. Had I Left Him Alone When My Instincts Told Me To I Should Have So That He Would See That I Wasn’t Going To Let Him Jerk Me Around Nor Deal With Anyone Meddling In Our Relationship. I Promised Myself After That I Am Never Going To Doubt My Inner Voice About People And When A Man Shows Me The First Time That He Can’t Come Correct me It’s Time To Remove Myself From The Situation. If The Guy Straightens Up And Decides To Earn Another Chance ‍♀️. The Point Will Always Be About Me. How I Handle Myself As A Lady. I Recently Had To Pull Out Of A Dating Situation Due To Unacceptable Behavior. I Didn’t Like The Hurt Feelings Part (That Sucks) But I Felt Good That I Loved Myself Enough To Walk Away From A Man Who Did Not Deserve Me .

  • I have fallen into this trap and after the second date and he walked i realized what mistakes i made. I am glad that i have had your notes to assist me in realizing what happened. I am grateful for that. Still taking on new dates but with a fun perspective.. and no thoughts of latching just enjoying myself. So far its been so much fun. Thank you

  • Hi, i have lot of relationship, who they suddenly disappear and left me with no reason, although all of them really like every side of me, my educatio, my face, my behavior and all the things about a girl…
    So these guys make me frustrated and i don’t what can i do in these situation.
    In three weeks ago, one of them disappear with no reason, never text me back anh atleast blocked on the app, while he really attracted to me and investing all of his free time for me although he is a doctor and he was too beasy. Please help what can i do in this case, when really like or more than love him and i don’t know what that he act in this way. Thank you so much for your helping program that make me awake about my mistakes in relationships.

  • I love SACRIFICE THE BULLSHIT!!! Feeling like I’m currently in one of those relationships, but having trouble cutting it loose…for a variety of reasons. thank you.

  • Been there. Such a waste of time. Thank God zI have now the relationship the marriage and the family that I desired.

  • Yup I’ve been there. The almost relationship or friends with benefits, I wanted him to commit to me, let him get away with bad behavior which of course made him value me less. I Couldn’t see that and still cared what he thought and I wanted his approval. That went on so long until the most humiliating grand finale late one evening. After couldn’t leave my house for almost two weeks because I was terrified to run into anyone that was there, I would fill with anxiety at the thought of it. They made a joke of all the qualities that
    His coldness that night frustrated me and i was hurt. I know now that he egged them on.  I couldn’t understand why he did not protect me and it took me a while to accept it. Now I see his glee in humiliating me. But at the time I was shocked, shattered, stunned by the things he said and did and the smears that never stopped. How could anyone be so cruel to someone that cares so much. The momentary power was intoxicating for him. It was obvious now. How he thrived while he had it and how excited he was when he was able to get away with the line of shit he gave them. I see now that he always reconfigured things so that he could look and feel superior. Truth does not work for him as it interfered with his vanity. Now I understand that his aloofness and lack of emotion are not sophistication but a pathetic emotional deficit. 
    I was a loyal friend and yet, They off’ed me like i never existed. I guess they were clever and convincing as a group. I felt I had no recourse I felt helpless and hopeless and I could not see how my life would ever get better at that moment.
    As time went by I thought about how he mocked me and all the shit he twisted to make him look good think he was a victim. The things they made fun of in me even though he had twisted the truth I knew the truth and I knew they were all good examples of goodness in me. Loyalty, reliability, consistency, I do like beauty. I do like goodness. I do like truth. I do like duty. They are good things and by sticking to those values. It’s not the end of the world I just need to keep being me. I learned to not give more than I get and don’t put up with the bullshit. It’s easy to want someone so much, your doing everything you can but it’s too much and your blind to how it’s just going to make them undervalue you.

  • Years later I have not seen any of the people that were there that night and no one has tried to reached out to me but a couple months after it happened he did try to contact me as if nothing had happened. I ran into him about a year after that and when I mentioned what happened he didn’t want to talk about it. If that night never would’ve have happened I might still be stuck in that thing so as much as it hurt I’m still glad it happened it kind of pulled me back to reality cured my blindness and in the end set me free. It’s still a struggle but I haven’t given up. I still look forward to the day I find somebody.

  • What if the guy is using his health as an excuse to give you less than you deserve. How can I set a limit? If I voice that I’m not getting my needs met (he doesn’t call or schedule dates) then he will say I’m being selfish and I’m only thinking of myself. This man had heard no Problem coming to see me in the past when he was supposedly recovering. This man also had no problem taking himself to the coast despite his low energy that he complains about. How do I set a boundary? I’m honestly ready to walk away from this, however I know there will be a protest from him in an effort to hold onto Me.

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