Do you always compare yourself to other people? Worried about what some other woman has that you don’t? Do you find yourself feeling angry or nervous whenever your boyfriend talks to another woman?
Jealousy is a curse. Make no mistake.
It leads to broken relationships, constant arguments, and drives men away faster than just about anything else. Jealousy is emotionally exhausting to deal for anyone to deal with long-term.
So if you want to banish this curse once and for all, make sure you read and apply these tips. Let go of your jealousy and you’ll be happier, more charismatic, and find it 10x easier to keep great guys in your life.
Why Jealousy Is So Destructive
Jealousy is one of the great tragic emotions.
In Shakespeare’s play Othello, we see how one man’s inability to control his anger caused by jealousy leads to his terrible downfall and eventual death.
Though we’re unlikely to face such dire consequences, the moral is clear: JEALOUSY IS POISON that only serves to hurt the person who drinks it.
Imagine that you see your boyfriend over at the bar in conversation with an attractive woman. You feel that surge of concern, followed by anger, rise up in your stomach.
Who is she? What are they talking about? Is she flirting? Has he mentioned he has a girlfriend yet? How can he not know how this makes you feel??
Once jealousy takes hold here, there are various scenarios that could happen next…
You push your way into their conversation, perhaps hovering nearby or standing close to your boyfriend and staring daggers at this woman until he finally introduces you. When he does, you act coldly towards her until she eventually walks away bemused.
Your boyfriend feels embarrassed and you look like the typical “possessive girlfriend” who makes him feel trapped and suffocated.
You avoid getting involved in their conversation, but instead you disappear from sight, waiting for him to later find you, after which you act annoyed for the rest of the evening and sulk as he keeps asking you “what’s wrong?” trying to figure out why his girlfriend is now being so distant with him.
You keep your feelings locked up inside, all the while internally seething with anger and upset, only for your emotions to come out hours later, after which you seem like you’re completely overreacting to something which could have been avoided altogether.
If you don’t work on overcoming jealousy in these moments, you could end up destroying relationships with amazing guys for the dumbest reasons, so make it your mission to work on this problem now before it poisons your future.
The Mindset That Leads To Jealousy
The examples above are what happens when we fail to get perspective and control jealousy.
So why does this happen?
Well, jealousy usually comes down to one thing: insecurity. Specifically, insecurity that comes from a feeling of low self-worth, which leads to an excessive tendency to compare yourself to other people.
When you get jealous, you forget all the unique, one-of-a-kind qualities you possess, and start to obsess over the things you lack.
This leads to a negative feedback loop, in which you keep looking at all the areas you come up short, whether it’s because you’re not tall enough, not successful enough, not skinny enough, not popular enough – and this can manifest itself in all kinds of unpleasant behavior.
What To Do – 3 Steps To Overcoming Jealousy
Step 1 – Realise this behavior is self-destructive
One of the quickest ways to get rid of the jealousy curse is to see just how badly it is damaging your relationships.
Jealousy shows a fundamental lack of respect and faith in our partner, which is why it’s such an attraction-killer for men (unless he’s one of those men who enjoys the ego boost. Pro tip: avoid these guys at all costs!).
Next time you feel those jealous feelings, try to catch yourself and give yourself 10-20 seconds before you react.
Ask yourself: Where is this feeling coming from? What are my triggers for jealousy? Is this based on a real fear, or something in my head?
Maybe you get jealous whenever your boyfriend talks to an attractive woman. Or maybe you get jealous whenever you hear of a friend’s success in their career. In this moment, resist your natural instincts to get envious or criticize, and realise that this is about you, not them. Remember, someone else’s happiness is not your failure.
Step 2 – Go to gratitude
I know this sounds cheesy, but take a moment to remind yourself of 5 things that make you grateful just to be who you are.
When we get jealous we tend to exaggerate the qualities someone else has, and we completely underplay what’s amazing about ourselves.
So instead, write down a list on paper or in a word document of all the things you’re proud of about yourself. It could be anything: your education, your dimples, your smile, your great friends, your fun energy, your intelligence, your killer legs, your relationship with your loved ones, anything.
You need to remind yourself that you are a completely unique package that cannot be replaced. Take that to heart and embrace what makes you special.
Step 3 – Decide on a new response
It’s not how you feel that determines your life, but how you respond to how you feel.
So every time you go to jealousy, remember: you can decide your response. Jealousy is just a signal in your mind. And as painful as it might be, that signal is trying to tell your something.
Try seeing jealousy as just a sign in your brain to do one of three things:
(a) Become grateful for what you have – (see above)
(b) Improve yourself – because jealousy may just be a sign that someone else has something you’d like to have, in which case, simply decide if that’s something you can achieve, and say to yourself: “That’s really cool. I should try to do that too.” Use other people’s success as encouragement, not as a threat to you.
(c) See the best in people – if you tend to feel jealousy in relationships, next time it happens, ask yourself: is jealousy appropriate here? Has he actually done anything wrong? Of course there is rational jealousy, but if he has never given you a reason to doubt him before and seems to be keeping things friendly, realise that this now is the moment for you to have faith in the man you’ve chosen and trust him (after all, if you don’t trust him, why are you with him in the first place?).
Remember: If a man senses you don’t respect and trust him, it kills his attraction for you and breeds resentment.
We can never be 100% about what will happen in life, but we have to begin from a place of seeing the best in people, especially those close to us.
Remind yourself of your own value, trust in your partner (especially if they’ve always been loyal in the past), and take focus back on yourself instead of obsessing with what other people have.
The so-called “jealousy curse” is just a choice about where to direct your energy: Make sure you direct it somewhere useful.
10 Replies to “How To Beat The Jealousy Curse”
Amazing article! My most favorite so far Every negative situation gives us an opportunity to improve ourselves as when we realize what we don’t want, at the same time we get to think about what we really want! You have given us a very clean and clear message which can be immediately put into practice! Thanks
aaggghhh… this is a killer article!100% agree on this! <3
you've done a great job on this steve, no wonder you're a doctor :) never thought that men can be so into details…precised and the message is clear.
“That’s really cool. I should try to do that too.” you just heard what I was thinking this week.lol
I have a friend who dance so well and I was thinking of getting back into that kind of grove ;) wish me well.lol
What if jealousy stems not from one’s own insecurity but the lack of trust for men in general because they seem incapable of being faithful or even if they are…they still keep checking out other women despite being in a relationship, have secret crushes on other women or flirt with other women?
I don’t feel like I am less than other women or compare myself to others. Rather, sometimes I feel that even if I’m the prettiest, smartest or most attractive woman in the room, I might still lose the attention/affection of my partner because some other woman is offering him something new or different or because men are simply incapable of not having crushes on other women, flirting with them and constantly imagining what it might be like to be sleeping with them.
I don’t like it when I’m second best for my partner, someone he has settled for or when he finds other women more attractive than he finds me. I also cannot stand my partner flirting with other women or having crushes on them even if there is no cheating involved per se. What bothers me is my partner WANTS someone else even if he doesn’t act on it. It is this wanting that bothers me the most.
This is not something I do myself and thus cannot accept in a partner. When I’m dating someone exclusively, I’m ALL his. I don’t flirt with other men, explore options, second guess or cheat or even think about other men or find them attractive. My switch is OFF, i don’t have to TRY to be faithful. If I’m unhappy, I end the relationship and move on. THEN I begin to consider other men.
Is this unreasonable? Is this jealousy? I don’t think it stems from insecurity per se because I don’t feel like other women are better than I am or feel inadequate in any way in general. I just believe that if two people love each other and are in a relationship then how can they possibly find someone else attractive to flirt with let alone cheat with?
Yet I find that the men I date repeatedly look at other women, find them attractive, flirt with them and perhaps consider them as potential partners even when I’m better than those women in multiple ways. This annoys me a lot and I feel men are incapable of being strictly faithful. So it’s not about insecurity per se.
How does one handle this kind of a problem?
I get you as I share the exact same values like yourself when it comes to men I am in a relationship with. I am very loyal and don’t have any interest in anyone else when I am in a relationship with someone. In the past, I have been with men who cheated on me. So since then, I do not feel comfortable when say a current partner spends time alone with a female friend as I start thinking of all the worse things that could happen. Like yourself, I know it has nothing to do with insecurity but more a lack of trust as a result of my trust being broken repeatedly in the past
Bingo. I feel exactly the same. Haven’t found the answer to living in a state of peace and acceptance around this. But would be interested to explore how I could as it seems to be a long standing issue and something I do not understand.
Great article. It really puts jealousy into perspective, because that emotion can come on in a very visceral, sudden way that isn’t good. Having gratitude for what I do have is especially important. Good rules to follow, thanks for the article.
Great article. Ive been practicing my gratitude journal since the retreat in August and is definetly reminds me of how great my life is. Thanks!
Is there a reason you spelled realize incorrectly!! You spelled it realise. Sorry just an observation. Just thought I should let you know since it is spelled incorrectly several times wouldn’t want it published this way in a book, unless you meant to misspell it. Great Article!!
become fully aware of (something) as a fact; understand clearly.
“he realized his mistake at once”
synonyms: register, perceive, discern, be/become aware of (the fact that), be/become conscious of (the fact that), notice; More
Realise and realize are different spellings of the same word, and they can be used interchangeably. Both are common throughout the English-speaking world, though in different areas. Realize is preferred in American and Canadian English, while realise is preferred outside North America.
Matthew Hussey is British.
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