How to Cope with Disappointments in Dating

You’re going to witness a moment in this video that was taken from a live, exclusive webinar I held for my Love.Life members that wasn’t open to the public.

There was an exchange that happened that is going to change the way you deal with dating disappointments forever…

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Matthew:

What do getting nervous on a date, being upset that someone isn’t texting you back, and not being able to get over a breakup all have in common? Well, a few minutes ago, something really cool happened live on my member’s webinar. I was asked a question by one of my members and I said something that is going to shed light on many different situations you could be facing right now and is going to change your mindset forever. So check it out right now, and I will see you at the end of this video.

So much of that is being invested in the fantasy of a person, their potential. And the reason that we go on a date with someone and we put them on a pedestal and we get so excited about them is because we’ve allowed the story to get ahead of where it really is. Human beings, we are very good at creating story. We imagine where this will go based on their qualities, based on how great we are together. We imagine where it will go, where it could go. And that story starts playing out in our imagination. And that starts to feed these nerves that we have. Because, of course, when the story gets better, when the possibilities get bigger, the stakes get higher. And when the stakes get higher, we get more nervous.

This is true in any area of life. Often, an area where you’re getting disproportionately nervous is an area where you’ve built up too much story about what it could be. I’ve been disappointed before. I’ve texted someone that I wanted to see again or that I wanted to see for the first time. I’ve asked for their number, we’ve exchanged details and then when it comes to getting on a date, they never follow through. And I’m like, aw, man. Because I know in my head, I’ve already built this up to be something. She was really pretty when I approached her in that coffee shop. And there was a certain way about her and she looked like the love of my life. I think this is the person. You go into that mindset. And then when they don’t call you back for a first date, when they don’t go out on a date with you, you think you’ve lost something really special.

That’s antithetical to the idea of having something special. Because having something special is when someone is actually trying. When someone is actually with you for the ride. That’s the truth of what’s special. It will reveal itself to you because it’s obvious.

There was a story that Harry told me the other day of Charles Bukowski, who woke up with someone one morning and she had stolen, when she left, she’d stolen his poetry. And he was really upset by this. He didn’t have much he cared about, but he cared about his writing. And she had stolen his poetry. And he decided to sit down and write a new poem. And in the poem, there’s a line where he says… and obviously in a state of mind where he’s so sad that he lost the poetry, this thing that he’d worked hard on. Harry, I want you to jump on and tell us the exact line, because I want to get it right.

 

Harry:

Okay. I’ll start from here. “Next time, take my left arm or a 50, but not my poems. I’m not Shakespeare, but sometimes simply there won’t be any more, abstract or otherwise. There’ll always be money and whores and drunkards down to the last bomb, but as God said, crossing his legs, I see where I have made plenty of poets, but not so very much poetry.”

 

Matthew:

“I see where I’ve made plenty of poets, but not so very much poetry.” I want you to keep that in your mind for every relationship or every potential relationship you’re ever in. Anytime you find yourself overvaluing someone on a date, anytime you find yourself being so scared to lose someone because of the potential of what it could be, that’s valuing the poet. That’s being on a date and valuing the poet and the poet’s potential. But the poetry is where it’s at. The poetry is two people working hard in a relationship to make it work. The poetry is the sacrifices. The poetry is we take time and energy over the years to understand each other, to work together, to figure out how to make each other happier, to figure out how to be more compassionate towards each other’s weaknesses, flaws, insecurity.

The poetry is what we build. That’s the poetry. The poet is the person you go on a date with and gives you a great date because they’re super charismatic. Ooh, the potential. I bet one day they could write great poetry. Well, if they’re not writing it, who gives a fuck? Poetry is what people actually invest into a relationship. That’s when you sit and you do the hard part. Anyone can say, I’ve got a great poem in me. Anyone can say, one day, I’m going to write a book. That’s not where the value is. The value is in the book. The value is in the person that actually puts pen to paper. That’s a real relationship, putting pen to paper. The poet, what’s that? It’s an idea, it’s an idea, it’s potential, it’s romance, but it’s not the real thing. Where are you overvaluing the poet and completely undervaluing the poetry of a relationship.

I really wanted to show you this because, firstly, I believe that that concept is going to change your mindset for good. You’ll never be able to un-know that idea of overvaluing the poet and undervaluing the poetry. But I also want to stress to you that there is a bigger journey that you can take with me than just being here on YouTube or Instagram or Facebook or wherever you’re watching this, which is just bite-sized chunks. But I’m not big, honestly, on the inspiration of a bite-sized chunk. I think the way we scroll through these things on social media makes them a passing moment of wisdom that has no impact in our lives. What I want to do is take you on a bigger journey where you become part of a club with me that is actually doing the work of building the right muscle every month. Whether it’s in your love life, your confidence, your communication, the results that you’re getting.

I want to do something with you that actually engages you. That moment was me responding to a question from one of my community, bringing in my brother Harry to feed an idea that I just heard. Things happen in real time, in a very dynamic way as part of these coaching calls.

And I’ll be blunt, if you’re not on it, you are missing out right now. You’re missing out on something very special. And not just something very special, but something that genuinely is changing the lives of my members. And I feel like I can be blunt about this because if you’re not already a member, you can even just try it for 14 days. You don’t have to sign up and make a commitment right now. You can trial it for 14 days, see what it’s going to do for you, and then make a decision.But I cannot tell you the number of people who just try it, dip their toe in the water, and when they get there and they spend an hour with us in this dynamic way, realize, “I can’t believe I’ve been missing this for the last however many years.”

So if you like what I do, if you engage with it on a social media level but you want to be more intentional about actually getting the results that come from this knowledge, come with me to AskMH.com and sign up for a free trial. Just try it. Other than that, as always, I will see you next week.

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9 Replies to “How to Cope with Disappointments in Dating”

  1. The quote regarding poets and poetry was exactly what I needed to hear. So much of wanting people who don’t want me, it isn’t how I need to be if I want to feel a part of my own life. I will breathe in your words and let them work beautiful magic in my relationships. Thank you!

  2. This really hit home for me today on a day when I felt down someone wasn’t bothered to sacrifice anything at all. I can take it once and move on but when it’s a pattern in almost every relationship it really starts to hurt.

  3. Hi.Matthew. i hew chrai to teik this 14 deys bat for informeishen o bat credit card i hew not samthing lsik this mi men hew olov this think’s .how i ken go verder

  4. (Hm. What crazy woman did not want to go on a date with you?? She needs help!)
    Thank you this is beautiful and true. Poetry. Makes me think of the Disneyland trashcan story for some reason…maybe bc it’s about the nitty gritty everyday experience of making the details count. The reality of a thing. It can be beautiful but you won’t know until you get there.
    The thing is, it’s exhausting to have to listen to your own fantasy factory and the naturally resultant fear and loathing. I guess that’s why you’re always coaching us to keep moving and creating new opportunities that keep us turned on about our lives.

  5. Matthew,
    Thank for this powerful catch line.
    You are the best. Having joined your club 3 years ago has been the best purchase I made on the net.
    Your at home retreat is a yearly mile stone too keep me on track.
    Not to mention the very insightful post with your brother Stephen

  6. Hi Matthew

    I’ve been single for god knows how long and I feel like I’ve left it too late to start dating, and now that covid has come, it makes it even harder. I want to start dating (also have sex) and be in a relationship when covid dies down but one thing that worries me is the bad image that I get of men. Yes there are some good guys and some bad guys but I feel that the bad guys get focused on more and are placed to generalise ALL men which is not the case.

    When I hear how guys don’t like to take NO for an answer, assault (rape, abuse) women, talk about women in a degrading, sexual object way etc it makes me think ‘is being single better?’ I’m not asking for a Saint as no one is perfect, we all have our faults but a man who RESPECTS everyone, women, is A REAL MAN. Once again I don’t like generalising all men as men are different but because of this image it makes me wary of men. I can work with them, talk to them and laugh with them but if I want to get intimate with one I don’t want this negative image to STOP me from dating.

    Please help with any advice you have

    Thanks

    Andie x

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