How to Get More Serious Without Scaring Them Away
This week’s video is about moving in together.
But you should watch it even if you’re not at that stage with someone, because it contains a truth that is essential to understand when moving from one stage of a relationship to the next…
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So, what was your question, Amber?
I was wondering, my boyfriend and I have been together a little bit over a year and we’re starting to think about moving in together. I was just wondering, when’s too soon? I’ve always wanted to wait until we were talking more about getting married and things like that. I just wanted to get your advice on is it too soon? How do you know you’re ready to move in with someone?
I think that’s a very good and intelligent and important question. There are lots of people, I feel, move in too quickly. They do it in the throes of the passionate stage of the relationship. And look, who among us hasn’t fallen in love with someone and immediately thought, “I just want to move in with them right this second, right now”? And then, they are really glad, two months later, that they didn’t because it would have been too quick and they would have possibly wrecked the whole thing.
Now, the opposite of that, I think, can be just as bad. If you, for example… And people have different beliefs on this, I’ll just throw mine out there. When I hear people say, “Well, I want to get married to someone before I move in with them.” I always find that to be a very dangerous concept. For me, I would much rather have lived with someone before I make the decision to marry them, because who knows what they’re like in that environment. Things change when you live with someone. Everything, to some extent, is sped up and intensified because you’re around each other the entire time.
So, I think, for you, you have to make your own decision about whether it’s really important for you to wait till marriage to do it. But what I would say is, somewhere between the crazy, passionate phase, where you feel irrational, and making a decision to be with someone forever, you should have a trial run at living with them. I don’t think that means necessarily going and taking out a mortgage together, but it does mean going and renting a place together that you can just have the experience of it, even if it was on the basis of doing it for a few months. I think that a lot of the time moving in together is something that should take the form of something more casual than it really is. If you understand what I mean?
I don’t think we should introduce moving in together, like, “Shall we move in together now?” I think that’s terrifying for people, and I think it puts too much pressure on. If people say to each other, “You know what, look, we really like each other – or we love each other – and we’ve had such an amazing time together in our relationship. It feels like it’s going somewhere. Shall we try it for a few months? There’s no black and white. It’s not like we’re doing anything that we can’t reverse. If it doesn’t work out, then we’ll change the situation. But why don’t we try an apartment together for a few months and just see what happens?”
That, to me, is a very risk-free way of doing it that allows people to take the next step without the pressure of forever, which so many people throw themselves into. Does that make sense?
Yes, it definitely does. That’s a really good way to look at it. I hadn’t thought about that.
Yeah. I feel like some of the most serious steps that you take in a relationship should be treated in a relaxed way. I always feel like the moment a woman starts saying, “This is our first doormat together. Oh, my God, these are our first teacups that we’ve ever had together.” As soon as she starts saying that about everything, he’s like, “Oh, my God, it’s happening. I’m living with someone. I’m never going to be on my own again.” He starts freaking out. But if you don’t go down that route, instead, you just treat it in a relaxed way but allow it to happen, both of you, I think, will be a lot happier.
Okay. Awesome. Thank you. That’s really, really good advice.