Why are you thinking about getting your ex back?
I know why.
It’s because you’re heartbroken. Devastated. You can only see your future right now as being miserable so long as this guy is out of your life.
So let me start by reassuring you: these feelings are completely normal and we all have had them.
In this short article, I want to explain how you should come to the decision of trying to get your ex back, because it’s not a decision that should be taken lightly.
Here are 3 cardinal truths that you MUST read so that you know what to do first:
Truth No. 1 – Just missing him is NOT a good enough reason to get your ex back
It’s very easy to miss relationships that weren’t necessarily good for us in the long-term.
Ask yourself before you move on: Did your ex actually fulfill all your emotional needs while you were together? Did he treat you in a way you would want to be treated for the rest of your life?
These questions are worth stopping to reflect on.
But so many of us get caught up in the terror of losing someone that we forget to ask whether it’s even a good idea to want them back in our lives.
Truth No. 2 – You cannot attract your ex back into your life, until you have changed your life
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying you should change to win back your ex.
But when you’ve just broken up, it’s likely you’ll be in a rough place. In this heightened emotional state, it’s impossible to take the steps you need to attract your ex back from a high-value place.
More likely, you’ll make some rash move that will freak your ex out and make him see you as needy or unable to move on, which will only repel him way even more.
Which is why you have to move on first before you ever win your ex back.
This sounds very counter-intuitive, but when you start building your own life and moving on, taking positive steps in your own future, you’ll be coming from a position of power again where you feel confident and happy, and this is what is going to get your ex to see you in a new light.
Building a life that fulfils you on an emotional level is one of the keys to adding value to a guys life, and that’s what ultimately gets him to want you more than anyone else.
That’s why desperation and neediness are such turn-offs, because they make a man feel like you are only wanting to take from him, instead of coming from a place of making his world better. In fact, apart from the fact that a man may simply be in the wrong stage of his life, this is the no.1 reason why men won’t commit, even if they are more attracted to you than anyone else.
Truth No. 3 – Accept that you won’t win him back overnight
This is one of the most difficult to face, but right now putting distance between you and your ex is absolutely crucial.
As soon as the relationship ends, send your ex a short note or email saying goodbye and acknowledging any mistakes, then do not contact him for at least a month.
That means…Don’t Facebook like his pics, don’t send any texts or voicemails, and don’t meet up for a “coffee”.
This No-Contact period is the essential first step. It’s what allows you to move on and build up your own life so that you can re-contact your ex later feeling like a new, reinvigorated person. He’ll see all the changes you’ve made in your life and will be curious to know what else you’ve been up to since the break up.
Then, when you meet your ex, you need to take it slow. Build up the mystery and intrigue, and slowly gauge his intentions regarding getting back together.
But you cannot rush ANY of this. That’s the most crucial part.
And always remember: you have to move on from your ex, before you can have him back in your life.
That might sound tough but look at it this way: even if things don’t work out, you’ll be proceeding with your life going onward and upwards, whether he comes along for the ride or not. If you want more on devising a game plan for attracting him again, make sure you read my article on How To Get Him Back.
41 Replies to “How To Get Your Ex Back – 3 Honest Truths”
Be careful what you wish for. I GOT my ex back but I soon realised that it was a very bad idea and broke up with him. Everything in this article is spot on. During our time apart I really worked on myself and my life, and when he came running back to want to be part of my great new life, he just didn’t make the cut any more. Plus I could not forgive him for be prepared to never have me in his life again when he broke up with me – my forever man will never want to lose me (-: The experience changed me a LOT for the better, so the pain was (in the end) worth it. I send big hugs to anyone going through this right now cos it’s still rubbish whilst you’re there.
Am in an intense relationship past 3 yrs.i love him a lot.but 3 months bvk he causally cheated on me wid a lady he met online.it was not serious n he broke off wid her inorder to be wid me.we drcided togive our relation a shot.but unfortunately i feel as uf am d only one trying.he gas always been moody extremely short tempered.but lived me a lot.i love him so much n want to save this relation.lateky he has started texting nd calling me less.whenever i want to raise d issue of our relationship he avoids talking about it.he dpends more tym wid his friends ratherthan me.i font kniw wat to do.as he diesnt want to bresk up either.but i cant go on like this.pld help me ashow can i get him back.some hoew i ferl that my always beung available for him and foing everything he wants had made him tske me for granted.he is sure that i wont be going anywhere no matter wat he does or how he treats mr.plz plz reply n help me out
Nice points. In many cases one month won’t be nearly enough time if you’ve had a very emotional break up. Probably 6-12 months, and then the irony is that after you’ve moved forward and moved on, you might not want to ‘attract them back’ anyhow :)
He was much the one for me .. But I broke up with him for many reasons and I do not want to be back but so worried about how he is surving it
we were soul mates …
I am still suffering after two years how about him ?? could he as a man have moved faster … If so I am happy for him. Still miss him a lot though
Surely men suffer less than women from break up ??or is that a myth ??
Still trying to follow my childhood passion cannot seem to make the first step and its tearing me down … This whole thing .
Great quality content. devilishlybritish.com
Hey, Matthew! This is brilliant! I especially love your thoughts on truth #2. I think it’s a very healthy way to deal with your life & yourself after a breakup also, not just for the reason of wanting a person back in your life. Thank you so much! You’re very much appreciated by so many of us, you can only imagine ;) I’m so privileged and honored to know about you and your work. Have a wonderful day!
P.S. Speaking of exes, I had a bit of downtime yesterday and went on YouTube to watch a few videos of Ali and Roberto from The Bachelorette. Now, don’t judge me lol but that season was my favorite and the most authentic (this was back in 2010). I don’t like this show anymore, especially the last few seasons just because it’s gotten to be such production and entertainment based. But Ali’s season specifically was such a romantic one and Roberto, I think is a dream guy like yourself, lol. It was announced back in 2011 that they ended their engagement after over a year & I really just wonder what went wrong, because everything looked real and they were very much in love. I wonder what your take would be on it haha. If you’re interested all their dates from the show are on YouTube, if you just type in “Ali and Roberto week 1”. I think it’s an interesting topic to get into… what could go wrong when everything feels beautifully in the beginning and between two very mature people.
Interesting topic idea hannah – will have a think about it. Thank you for your lovely words. x
Well Mathew so I’m conflicted about my situation I’m in. My fiancée asked me to marry her and we have been on cloud 9 ever since ( so I thought). She then freaked out a year and a month later she freaked out said she couldn’t do this. Get married it has been so overwhelming. So we back off. Then in May we saw her mom and when we were coming home she said she wanted a kid. I asked her and she reassured me yes. Then a few months later we were planning our kid and then marriage. 2 months later she broke it all off with me and then I left and she called me up saying her hearts mine she loves me wants to be with me , she will never get over me. So we were working things out and we were good. She talked about kids and I’m her future wife. Then a month and a half later she ends it in the parking lot. She said its to much work that I put to much into this relationship then her. She loves me forever and will never get over me. That she has to do it for me. 3 days later she’s on a dating sight. But my things are still at our place I have keys she text me when I text her. She hasn’t told anyone except one close friend and she’s shocked. I’m not sure if you can help. I’m doing my thing while I see her try to figure things out. But it hurts that we were on the track of our life together. What do I do?
She’s just not that into you.
Hi Matt, I’ve been seeing someone casually for around five months. As in we just spent time at each other’s houses. A few weeks ago he rang me while drunk and said he was falling for me but he couldn’t commit as he’s too selfish. We carried on seeing each other for a few weeks and then he brought it up again after being distant and moody, he said he couldn’t make a commitment to me. So I ended things but we carried on texting then I invited him round (I know stupid) and got the brush off. I know I came across as needy and insecure. He then sent me a message saying that he does really like me but that he wanted to give things his all and he doesn’t feel ready to do that. I just want to know if he’s just being kind and letting me down gently by saying this or whether he’s just not ready for a relationship and how do I move forward, will no contact work in this case? Thanks :)
Tell him you are happy to keep seeing him but will date other people too as he is not ready. And genuinely start seeing other people and be awesome when you see him. Then if he wants all of you he has to commit.
I think Katarina Phang has the right idea – you accept or reject a man but HE has to be the one to come to you. You keep busy at all times, never put any pressure on, be happy and easygoing, make the time you spend together awesome and never question where it’s going or talk about the future, that’s his job. It is the man’s job to lead the relationship you just mirror him. If after a year or two he’s not moving forward then you can talk to him. Listen and observe and you will find out his views on marriage etc. Once he is in love with you and you have been together a year or so and you want to get things moving you could go away for a while and not contact him so he sees what it’s like to lose you.
Yeah I have been doing but we didn’t see each other for 3 months, we started seeing each other again in January but I’ve decided enough is enough. I’ve deleted him off social media and I’m going to try and move on. I have been dating other guys but my heart wasn’t in it so gunna take some time out and sort my head out. The problem is he keeps popping back up when I think I’m ready to move on! Xx
We have not spoke in a month. I think I overtired in the beginning with needy texts. This was before I found your program. I turned him off prob. But I Waited and tried a few general texts as you have suggested. And nothing yet. I’m not sure if he will contact me again. We never talked since. He never actually broke it off, just started ignoring me. Still trying to hope for an answer. The reason we did stop talking was a former jealous ex of mine kept annoying him with phone calls. It was beyond my control as the ex had his phone number. He knew it wasn’t my fault but said he didn’t like the drama. I understand this as neither do I. It’s hard enough to meet someone, let alone start out like that. He does really gave feelings for me but now no words from him for almost a month. Mum so sad I really cared for this man. What can I do from here? I really want a second chance as the first was ruined by someone else not even my own actions. I feel cheated out of a good destiny. Please help
If he didn’t like the phone calls he could have blocked the number! And then he just starts ignoring you? You deserve better, don’t even contact him. Delete his number, if he wants to be with you he will get in touch, messaging him cute things like Matthew suggests is pandering to him.
I had been with my partner for 2.5 years, we lived together and had just been on an amazing holiday. Then two weeks ago we started talking about marriage in the very, very distant future. He reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me but said that he might start “freaking out” (due to his fear of marriage- his parents are divorced). Five hours after this conversation he stated that he did not want to get married at all and told me he was leaving. He said he was doing this because he didn’t want to “string me along”. However, I had no say in the decision ( I just want to be with him regardless of marriage) and he left. He has not contacted me except very coldly about the apartment. I love him dearly and I’m left shocked at how someone could be so loving and then just leave. He refuses to talk to me in person. Do you have any ideas about what to do?
I have been with a man for 3 months now. It all went really well, we were very much in love, did little trips together, he always told me how great I was and I was just about to meet his parents. We were both so surprised about having met each other, cause we usually don’t fall in love that easily, it just felt right. He had been alone for the past 3 years and told me he used to be more romantic, he was very romantic with me though. A few weeks ago he suddenly started pulling back. Instead of doing my own stuff, I tried even harder and got all insecure and sweet. I know this was wrong and want to do it better now. He asked for some space to think about us, because it was too much for him, last week we had an open conversation, I was very confident and relaxed. He’s not sure about whether he wants to be in a relationship at all (blue-print, he’s quite good at being alone) and whether he can live with my insecurities (actually I’m a confident woman and gave hime lots of space, but the more I like someone, the less I want to do something wrong, you know what I’m talking about… my insecutities reminded him of his former self, too. This is where it’s getting complicated.) I think he’s got some issues himself and seems to be fighting the inner battle of being the romantic, sensitive man he actually is or being the tough, independent man, he tries to be at the moment. He didn’t want to split up and said it’s really tough for him, but wasn’t 100% about us either, so he said we’d stay in touch and see what happens. Now I have been waiting for him to text for 4 days, he told me he was gonna be very busy until tonight. I don’t feel comfortable in this situation at all, I don’t want to put too much pressure on him, but want to look after myself and my standards, too. What should I do? It would be so great to hear from you.
Thanks a lot,
Nice said ,dont be disperate and most important dont begiing her be strong and happy and try to date with someone else ,yes you heard right and you will see that your ex will contact you .I learn amazing psiholocical tricks in a review article at http://pozitivereview.com/magic-making-get-ex-back/ article was very helpful for me ,it change my life
This is good advice but there is no need to buy a whole programme about it. Each situation is different anyway. I don’t think a goodbye text is necessary just get on with your life and not contact him unless he contacts you for a month.
I think there’s situations where it is a bad time for someone and they get scared, in that case just respect their need for space and try add move forward with your life if it is meant to be they’ll come back. Sending a goodbye text forces their hand and doesn’t give the space that might actually be needed.
I do want to get back together with my ex. He was someone who I could really open up to, feel comfortable enough to be with without even trying. He treated me really well and made me trust people again. Then he broke up with me because he joined the Air Force. He’ll be gone until next August. He doesn’t want the LDR thing, neither did I. But I wanted us to take a break, figure ourselves out and work on ourselves before we meet again and try and start from the beginning. He doesn’t want that. I did turn in a GNAT. I turned slightly bitter when I could see him seeing the message but not responding, playing video games with his best friend but can’t say hi to me. I spent hours doing this present for him when I’m starting to doubt he’ll even take it. So I’m not going to give it to him unless he asks for it before he leaves. I just started NC yesterday after telling him that He promised to remain friends and keep in contact and I would hate for him to break a promise. But I’m going to keep it casual, start working on myself before I message him. I’m struggling to figure out what to say because he’s in the Air Force and I want to give him all my support. I love this guy and I really want to be his girlfriend again next year. I just hope he doesn’t bring a girl back home. Still, I want to be his friend regardless of anything. We were that first and we can be that again.
Hi Matthew, I dated this guy for about a month. He and I got along fantastically. We were on the same page about life, kids, family and future. I met his older daughters. He understood why I didn’t introduce him to my younger teens. He and I made all kinds of plans for the near future. We decided to spend Xmas night together. (His idea) spoke to him on Xmas morning then afternoon. Then “boom’ nothing. Later in the night he said he was sorry too tired talk to me later. I waited a couple of days. Texted hi, everything ok. He texted me saying xmas made him sad and plz dont be mad. I texted a little,nothing dramatic. No response. Then i texted 5 days later that he must be dumping me. I am not going to be upset but plz return my stuff. He said sorry again. Then said he just wasnt ready for this. Now not one word. Its been 18 days. He hasnt returned my stuff. I feel like something happened with his EX on Xmas afternoon. Maybe I just jumped the gun. I am doing ‘no’ contact. I have read and thought a lot. I feel we could have a future. Any suggestions.
my ex broke up with me for 4 month after a 2 year relationship, last month he came back with a silly excuse and we had sex,(maybe too soon) since that day we see each other pratically every day, we also started a work project together, he is investing all the free time he has on me and we talk a lot, making groceries together, going out etc, all that is ok for me, because basically it seems like we are together, but at the same time he continue telling me we are never getting back together even tought i never asked him that , how i shold interpretate that? and how i should behave?
Getting an ex back starts with knowing and understanding your ex. That is the first thing. If you can discover what your ex likes and dislikes, then you are at the verge of getting him back.
To start with, if you know what your ex wants, then give it to him. If you can figure out what she detests, then avoid it-that is the rule.
Remember, you’ve been together before. The reason you guys broke up was simply because you broke this rule .
Next to that is to use reverse psychology . You want your ex back? Then avoid him. This sound strange, but that is the secret. Cut off from him. Then use the period to work on your self esteem and physical attraction. If you’ve done that, you can move to the next stage.
There are various mediums you can employ to get in touch with your ex; ( though this needs some techniques ) one of it is via text message, handwritten letter , social media platform etc.
The key here is to build rapport with your ex. Please , don’t sound desperate or needy. Let him meet a new you.
I don’t know if I’ll get a reply but might as well post about it.
Recently my guy broke off our relationship saying it was getting toxic. It was really hard for me to bear but he was right. I realized we both have our faults. I really wanna get back with him but I know that I have to fix myself (basically loving myself more, becoming as you say a more fulfilled person), and to move on for him.
I’m just wondering if I have to completely delete everything I have about him, through pics, messages and chats, or if it’s alright to keep them?
Also he has some of my items I lent, should I meet up with him despite having these fresh wounds? Or do I meet up with him like in a month? Or do I meet up with him when I’ve moved on?
Hi Mathew, it’s wierd for me to post here about my problems about my relationship with a man whom I love so dearly. It had been a long waiting time for him too to get a reply from me since i was in abroad. when I returned from abroad last year I met him and dated,but it happened after I had dates with him i took a risk to visit my ex-boyfriend, and I told him too that I would visit him and explained him is our long friendship tie and nothing touch to our relationship. He stopped me to meet him but I went against his wish and I visited him because i see nothing wrong to meet my ex because we value our friendship
Then my boyfriend felt a sense of betrayal from me, even how much I explained to him. Without solving the problems it was time for me to go abroad. I told him wait for me we will figure out our problems when i return bac. I still love him. Before I returned back this year he told me you better search another man. It was so shock of my life. I truly love him and I want to get him back. I ask for the second chance and he told me he has a girlfriend now, just because he had a heartbroken from me. He took alcohol, and hurted himself so much which I didn’t know all these only when he told me few days ago. I am heartbroken to know that he has a girlfriend and I want to get him back. He still loves me the same and he knows that I love him more and more. But he couldn’t help himself how to break up with his present girlfriend. He ask me to give him advice whether to choose me or to choose her. N i told him i can’t help if I say he should choose me then I’m a selfish person, if I tell him he can choose her my heart is more painful. And I left in his own desires. But I know he loves me still and I love him. I don’t want to loose him i even texted him and I told him i will go slow with my brokenness.
Please help me how to win him back.
Thanks a lot.
Hi Kong! Thank you for sharing – that sounds tough! I think you’ll benefit from reading Matt’s “Get Him Running Back To You”. More info here: http://www.howtogettheguy.com/exback/eg/vsl-1thing/index-new.php Good luck! – Mars
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