How to Love After Being Hurt

The pain that can come from heartbreak is unlike anything else. It’s sickening. But, there is something even more heartbreaking than heartbreak itself: Allowing the ghosts of the past to trick you into giving up on your next great love story.

If you’re finding it hard to open yourself up to love again…

This new video is for you.

Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back. Tap Below to Live at Your Full Potential.
http://www.MHRetreat.com

If you’ve ever been hurt or betrayed, someone’s broken your trust, someone broke your heart, and that hurt, that pain is stopping you now from going out there and finding something new, because instead of seeing the excitement and the opportunity, all you see is the potential for more pain, this video is for you.

In it, I coach a woman called Winda who, in my Manila event in the Philippines, stood up and talked about the pain that she’s experienced and how that is now stopping her from moving forward in her love life. And watch the clip all the way to the end, because I’m going to be joining you back here on this sofa afterwards.

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Winda:

Well first of all, I want to thank you because I follow you from, I don’t know, maybe 2010 or something.

Matthew:

Wow.

Winda:

And then, you know what? Your Impact program actually helped me to get to the top of my career right now. So, yeah. From being depressed.

Matthew:

Wow.

Winda:

And then, yeah.

Matthew:

Wow.

Winda:

And right now I’m at the top of my career, but in love life, actually it quite crumbling down. But –

Matthew:

Wait. What does that mean, your love life’s crumbling down?

Winda:

I mean, yeah. So the last two of my previous relationships were abusive.

Matthew:

Yes.

Winda:

And I’ve been cheated on.

Matthew:

Yes.

Winda:

So I decided I don’t know what to do to this point. You know what? I think I’m going to stop finding guys for a year or two and focus on my career.

Matthew:

Yes.

Winda:

But then, when I got back to try to find the guys, it’s hard for me to open up.

Matthew:

Yes.

Winda:

To be vulnerable to the other people.

Matthew:

Why?

Winda:

Because I don’t know. I think I left my guard up or something like that.

Matthew:

Right.

Winda:

I don’t want to be hurt.

Matthew:

Because you’ve been burned already.

Winda:

Yeah.

Matthew:

Because you got hurt already.

Winda:

Yes.

Matthew:

Yeah. But you’re putting your guard up so you don’t get hurt again.

Winda:

Yeah. Kind of like that.

Matthew:

So we have to change the goal.

Winda:

Okay.

Matthew:

Because your goal right now is “Don’t get hurt.”

Winda:

Yeah.

Matthew:

It’s a kind of a boring goal.

Winda:

Thank you.

Matthew:

No but, I’m saying this because you’re clearly not a boring person.

Winda:

Thank you.

Matthew:

So it doesn’t suit you to have a boring goal.

Winda:

Thank you. Yes.

Matthew:

This isn’t your goal. You’ve taken this goal from some version of you that’s scared. That’s not the version that I see that’s interesting and complex and wants to go out there and live and do things. The woman who bought my Impact program and then used that to rise up in her career. You said you were depressed.

Winda:

Yeah. I was depressed in 2014.

Matthew:

Right.

Winda:

After I graduated from my Master of Law degree.

Matthew:

Right.

Winda:

Because I don’t know what to do.

Matthew:

Yes.

Winda:

And then I bought your Impact program.

Matthew:

Right.

Winda:

And then right now I’m a legal counsel.

Matthew:

Yeah.

Winda:

And I’m at the top of my game actually right now.

Matthew:

Right. So this woman isn’t the same woman as the one who has a goal that is “I don’t want to get hurt.”

Winda:

Yes. That makes sense.

Matthew:

All right. That’s a boring goal and all it is is avoiding something instead of going after something. I want you to change the goal. The goal now is “Who do I want to be?” Forget what I want to get.

Winda:

I see.

Matthew:

Right? Look, in my business, if I stepped up on stage here right now and I thought about what I want to get from this situation, I wouldn’t last up here. You guys would see it, you’d be able to ready my intentions subconsciously and you would see it’s about me. It’s not about an impact I want to make.

Winda:

Okay.

Matthew:

Right?

Winda:

Right.

Matthew:

I’m coming up here because I want to get something from you. No. I come up here because there’s a person that I want to be in this life and I want to be a giver. I want to be someone who says truth. I want to be someone who isn’t afraid to go and say things even if they’re unpopular. I want to be someone who can genuinely say, “I made a difference today. I did something today.” Right? Even if I’m scared. Even if I’m a little nervous.

Winda:

Right.

Matthew:

I’m in front of a new crowd today. New country. New audience. I don’t know if any of my jokes are going to land. I don’t know if you’re going to like anything I have to say. So I was a little nervous today. Oh shit. New Crowd. Uh-oh. Right? Different crowd. I don’t know what it’s going to be like. We’ll see, I guess. But I can’t be the person who doesn’t get up on stage. That’s not an option. Right?

Winda:

Right.

Matthew:

I could be the person you don’t find funny. I can be the person that you didn’t find interesting. “Oh, I went to see that Matt Hussey guy. I thought he was going to be great. He was okay.” I could be that. I could live with that. I can’t live with not getting on stage. I can’t do that. That one’s not an option.

Winda:

That makes sense.

Matthew:

I want you to change the goal. I’m not trying to avoid pain. There’s a person in this life I want to be. Winda has to be someone who actually: A. Goes after what she wants; B. Loves because she’s a loving person, not because she’s trying to get something or because she’s “Oh, I’ll only love if I can’t get hurt.” That’s bullshit. Right? Tell a boxer, “You can get in the ring but… I’ll fight this fight but as long as I don’t get hurt.” It doesn’t work like that. You’re a boxer. You’re a boxer. You get in the ring and you do it. And that’s what you do because that’s the kind of person you are. You don’t avoid. You get in the ring and you do it.

Who in your life do you love, by the way? You got any women in your life that you really love?

Winda:

My sister.

Matthew:

Your sister? Are you older or younger, sis?

Winda:

Twins.

Matthew:

Twins? So, okay. What’s your name, sis?

Weena:

Weena. Weena.

Matthew:

Weena?

Weena:

Yeah.

Matthew:

So, Weena and Winda.

Winda:

Yeah. Correct.

Matthew:

All right. This is amazing. So Winda –

Winda:

Yes.

Matthew:

You love your sister.

Winda:

So much. Yes.

Matthew:

How much?

Winda:

So much.

Matthew:

How much?

Winda:

Like oceans.

Matthew:

Right. So loving someone means more than giving to them.

Winda:

Correct.

Matthew:

It means showing them.

Winda:

Correct.

Matthew:

Show them what great living looks like. Show them what living, what going out there and blowing it up and making amazing things happen, actually looks like. Because she’ll get strength from you. And if your twin sees you hiding because you’re afraid of getting hurt, that’s going to affect her as well. One, it’s going to give her pain because she’s going to see her sister hiding instead of thriving. Two, it’s going to make her feel like, “Oh, maybe I need to do the same thing. I don’t know. My sister’s so afraid of this. Maybe I should be afraid of this too.”

I’m a brother. I’m one of three boys. Right? I got to show my brothers what it is to be brave. Because they need to be brave too. And loving them means more than giving to them. It means I want to show them an example of what brave looks like because I want them to do it as well. Any mums in the room? Who here has got a kid? Right. So if you’re hiding or if you’re not going out there and making things happen, what’s going to happen? Your kids copy who? They copy you. So when, “Oh, I see mom’s not happy, that affects me. Oh, and she does it this way or dad does it this way. Oh, maybe I should do it that way.” So they start learning those lessons.

The most loving thing you can do for someone is show them a great example. You’ve got people you love in your life? Don’t just go out there and make things happen and take risks for you. Do it because you want to show them what a powerful woman looks like. And you show them. You would want to teach her the lesson that not to avoid pain, that she’s bigger than any pain. Correct?

Winda:

Correct.

Matthew:

Right. So the way you teach her that she’s bigger than any pain is you go out and show you’re bigger than any pain.

Winda:

Yes.

Matthew:

Can I get heartbroken? Yeah. Can some man make me cry? Yup. Can I get hurt? Yup. Is anyone going to be able to stop me going out there and doing it again? Nope. There isn’t a single human being powerful enough on earth to bring you down. And when you show her that, then you’re being the most unbelievable twin on earth.

Winda:

Thank you.

Matthew:

Because now she sees what a powerful woman is.

Winda:

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Matthew:

So we change the goal.

Winda:

Okay.

Matthew:

The goal was “How do I not get hurt? I’m afraid to get hurt. Avoid pain.” The goal now is “Be a powerful woman for myself and for the people I love, to set an example.” And then it doesn’t matter how much I get hurt, because I’m going to keep doing this shit because it’s who I am. Okay?

Winda:

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Matthew:

Thank you. Thank you.

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It’s not enough just to be competent at something. I can give someone things that they can say. I can give them ways to flirt, ways to create attraction, but if they’re programming is always telling them that they’re either not good enough or that if they take a risk it’s going to mean pain and that pain is not something that they’re going to be strong enough to deal with, then they’re never going to get to the point of being able to use any of my techniques anyway.

I want you to think today about whether there is any internal programming that is stopping you from reaching your potential in this area of your life or in any area of your life. Is there something about your self worth or lack of it that’s holding you back? Or, the fear of pain, the fear of getting hurt that’s stopping you from self actualizing in your life? If this is you and you know that you need more than a simple technique, you need to change the programming up here that’s controlling everything you do, I urge you to apply for my Retreat. It’s a six day immersion program where I have an entire system for changing your beliefs, changing your self-worth, the relationship you have with yourself, and it’s a game changer. So I’ll leave the link here. I hope you apply. And as always, I will see you in next week’s video.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

9 Responses to How to Love After Being Hurt

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  1. Kat says:

    Wish I could afford you retreat. Time wise and financially!
    Great video, many people if not everyone suffer extreme hurt in Love but it’s about still believing. If we stopped loving then the human race would die. I want my daughter to fall in love and therefore I have to get through the heartbreak and out the other side. Disney love does exist!

  2. Clau says:

    Sweet matt,
    I thank you from the depths of my silly heart.
    You rock, i roll.
    Seriously, thanks.

  3. heather says:

    when i was in 7th grade there was this guy i had crushed on, and he new it and used it against me by pretending to like me and pretending to be nice. Then after christmas, he revealed his true self, he started to be mean and called names and said i was ugly. He and his loser friends (who were also in on it) humiliated me. Since then, I have always been afraid of rejection .

  4. Anika says:

    Matt – thank you for all you do. It’s so incredibly impactful. Something you said on a recent interview with Ed mylett struck me – how much you value kindness over accomplishment, hotness, etc. I truly vibe with this feeling- esp as I get older. It can be so much harder to be kind than to accomplish things ! Can you please speak more about kindness, why you value it so much, and how we can cultivate more of it in ourselves and our relationships? Many many thanks! !

  5. heather says:

    when I was in 7th grade there was this guy I had crushed on, and he new it and used it against me by pretending to like me and pretending to be nice. Then after Christmas, he revealed his true self, he started to be mean and called names and said I was ugly. He and his loser friends (who were also in on it) humiliated me. Since then, I have always been afraid of rejection

  6. heather says:

    when i was in 7th grade there was this guy i had crushed on, and he new it and used it against me by pretending to like me and pretending to be nice. Then after christmas, he revealed his true self, he started to be mean and called names and said i was ugly. He and his loser friends (who were also in on it) humiliated me. Since then, I have always been afraid of rejection .

  7. Catherine says:

    excellent! so good. you’re gifted. thanks so much.

  8. Julie says:

    That was such great advice Matthew! Had me in tears…such an “impact”. Thanks for sharing that…so many people need to see this. I went to The Retreat 3 years ago…it was the best gift ever, to myself. Made so many great friends…and still remain in contact with them.

  9. Winda says:

    Dear Matthew,

    I hope you read this message. I really want to THANK YOU for sharing the lesson you gave to me in Manila, how to handle fear, after those two amazing events my vision of life has changed, I become fearless woman who is willing to take the risk. Today, when you share my story to the world, I caught a con artist, a guy who cheated many women in 3 countries by using their fear. These women have one similarity, they fear to be alone or to be lonely. They fear that this guy will leave them so they keep giving him money, thousands of dollars. When I brought him to police and saw the evidence of how he treated the victims, He is the WORST man I’ve ever known. Why do I tell you this? Because my twin sister is one of his victim, and your words have given me courage to be fearless and powerful woman, to set an example for others. As I am crying watching the video, I realize that what I did today might not be happened without the story in this video. So THANK YOU SO MUCH. Xoxo -Winda

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