If you want to understand how to make a man want you, then read this quick story right now…
Tom was getting freaked out.
He had only met Amanda a week ago. Now they were in his bed making out, taking each other’s clothes off. But that wasn’t the part that freaked him out. That was the good part.
What was more strange was what Amanda was saying to him. At various points in between kissing she kept asking, “Are you going to see me again after this?”
Needless to say, it totally pulled him out of the moment. He wasn’t sure what to respond, mostly because it had only been one or two dates. He didn’t really know her well enough to say what was going to happen.
I heard this story from a friend of mine (Don’t worry: I’ve changed the names involved!)
It’s obvious what’s going on here: Amanda is trying to get clear about Tom’s intentions for the relationship. The only problem is: They don’t have a relationship yet.
This is a classic example of “jumping the gun,” and it’s what scares the hell out of guys and often leads them to fade away after one night of fun, instead of following up for another date.
In this short article, I’m going to explain why women make this mistake and show how to make a guy want you for MORE than just a one-night fling.
Don’t Scare Him Off With Needy Behaviour
Let’s go back to the story above.
You might read it and think that Tom just sounds like a “hit-it-and-quit-it” sort of guy, and that the reason he doesn’t feel comfortable answering Amanda’s question is because he never had any intention of calling her again in the first place.
While that’s not impossible, it’s probably NOT the real reason in this case.
What is more likely freaking him out about Amanda is her insecurity. In expressing her fear that Tom might not want to see her again, she’s exposing her neediness, which is killing Tom’s attraction to her.
Instead of simply saying to herself: I’m not going to sleep with him until I’m certain he sees this going somewhere, Amanda is trying to get Tom to pre-commit to another date before they’ve even finished this one.
Tom understandably gets freaked out, especially since he’s a good guy who doesn’t want to feel guilty later down the line for hurting someone if he ends up wanting to call it quits.
2 Things That Make A Man Want You…
It is often believed that there is some magical number of dates that have to be ticked off before you should sleep with a guy. Usually about three.
I’m not going to patronize you with that advice, because let’s be real: You’re a grown woman. You can do whatever you want. If you want to have sex with a guy and it seems like it will be a fun experience, have sex with him. There’s no judgment here.
When it comes to your sexual activity, only you can decide the “rules” about what is and isn’t right for you.
That said, here is my ONLY rule: Only do whatever will make you feel comfortable, happy, and respected afterwards.
- If, for you, it’s an ABSOLUTE rule that you never have sex with a guy until you know 100% he wants a relationship, then you probably shouldn’t sleep with him on a first date.
- If you’re more flexible and are happy to have sex with a guy as long as you know he’s decent and has your best interests at heart, then wait as long as it takes for you to know that about him.
- If you just want to get laid and have fun with a hot guy, then go for it.
What matters is sticking to YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES. A high-value woman makes choices that make her feel comfortable and happy.
And this is ultimately what turns guys on for more than one night. Seeing a woman stick to her own standards is inherently sexy, especially if you make him feel desired at the same time.
Use This Sneaky Technique To Make Him Crazy For You!
Men are powerfully attracted to women who combine sticking to their BOUNDARIES with the ability to also make him feel DESIRE.
For example, you might make out with him on your couch, get hot and heavy, have fun, but then say: “As hot as I’m finding you right now, I don’t sleep with guys this quickly” and then wait another date or two before having sex (even if you end up doing other things first!)
This is something I talk about a lot in my How To Talk To Men program, especially in my chapter on “How To Respond To The Late Night Booty Call.” In this scenario, you need to combine self-respect with also showing a guy that it’s ok for him to have sexual desire for you. This way your denial only makes him MORE attracted to you, instead of registering in his head as a rejection.
But remember, denying a guy sex isn’t what makes him chase you more. You could sleep with a guy pretty fast, but if he sees that you don’t make a big deal of it and that you still require other kinds of qualities and emotional investment on his part for you to stick around, he’ll know that you’re a woman of value who won’t just be there whenever he feels like it.
Ultimately, what makes a man want you for more than one night isn’t about when you have sex. It’s about him seeing you do what makes you the most comfortable and not compromising on your standards just because you like him.
P.S. If you enjoyed this post but are still stumped on how to blow away a guy on the first date, check out my article on How To Make A Guy Want You in the first 60 seconds!
24 Replies to “How to Make a Man Want You for MORE Than One Night”
oh great, now I need to buy a couch AND find a man. this is too much work!
Good article / tips / advice :-)
I appreciate the anecdotes as well. Will keep in mind.
Another great article Stephen…
This article kind of confused me.
“Seeing a woman stick to her own standards is inherently sexy, especially if you make him feel desired at the same time.”
He may desire you but he may not change his standards to yours based on desire. I think you’re overestimating the power of desire a bit here.
“get hot and heavy, have fun, but then say: “As hot as I’m finding you right now, I don’t sleep with guys this quickly” and then wait another date or two before having sex (”
Yeah, but can you get hot and heavy and wait a month or two? What about a year or two? Two dates is not that long a time, really.
I have the How To Talk To A Man program. The thing is I think sexual compatibility is a thing. It’s not difficult to create desire in a man. But I think each man will only wait so long and that time period has to be compatible with the woman’s time period or it won’t work.
There is sort of an assumption out there that everyone is going to have sex eventually in a few months or there isn’t desire. Or if you want to wait longer than that you have to find some religious guy even if you aren’t religious.
If it’s okay for a woman to have her own standards, then why aren’t the examples you give about women who want to wait months, if that’s her standard? Why aren’t they about doing other things in the relationship to keep the man interested besides physical things? Your programs touch on this, but there is always this underlying assumption people are going to have sex, relatively soon. (Whatever ‘soon’ may mean.) I just wish the programs (and this article) went further into situations where one isn’t religious, one isn’t a virgin, but one creates desire with someone she isn’t ready to sleep with. For a while.
Make him wait within reason.
A friend of mine told me his ex made him wait 2 months, and he was alright with it, because to him it meant she wasn’t just in it for the sex. He also told me, any guy who has a problem with waiting never wanted anything serious. Because if he cared for her…where’s the problem? As long as she’s reasonable and doesn’t drag it too many months.
I really like this Stephen, and it’s timely. I am curious though as to an issue I have been grappling with. I do want to wait, and have been more mindful of taking more time to get to know someone before hopping in bed with them. Makes life simpler. However, I have previously been in a relationship where our libidos were not matched….for whatever reason, it just didn’t work in that area. So now I am too worried about getting too emotionally invested in someone before finding out whether we have chemistry or compatibility in the bedroom…..how to balance those two….not having sex, but also knowing that, for me, sexual incompatibility is a deal-breaker, has been a struggle. Thoughts on this Stephen? Is there a way to figure out if you are sexually compatible with someone before even getting between the sheets? What if you’re not sure if there is sexual tension….when should one be sure there is sexual tension? This is confusing.
In other words coach, be the kind of woman whose character is structured around a deep, inner conviction that she is worthy of respect and love.
SO TRUE. Thank You For Wrapping That Up So Beautifully <3 <3 <3
I greatly appreciate your kind words Lisa!!
Fantastic!!! If only every woman read this!
I have a conundrum. I’m casually seeing a man (my first attempt after amicably ending a long but passionless marriage) and we have developed sexual tension. I initiated our relationship with an invite for a hike, and we became physically curious almost right way. This was great with me! I expressed my enjoyment of this curiosity, as well as my hesitation toward serious commitment, since we are both fresh from marriages, and we agreed to simply enjoy the comfort and discovery of each other. However, I find myself wanting more initiation verbally/situationally/physically from him and not getting it. If I explain my need to hear/read/see his desire for me, he will grant me a taste but never initiates it. He is always receptive to my gestures to snuggle, hold hands, or kiss, but my longing to venture into sex is struggling against the hurt feelings I often feel at his lack of pursuit in my direction. I’ve expressed this to him – but have yet to experience it after a month of spending time together. He says he “likes being pursued.” Of course he does! And so do I.
He says, “Just because I don’t say it, doesn’t mean I don’t want you.” Is this secret guy language for something? Should I be patient or try to clarify my needs? I feel inexplicably needy for this person’s affection to be better expressed, yet I feel frequently disappointed and can’t seem to walk away. I need a guy’s perspective…
I know this theory, but when it comes to the real the situation, it’s hard to put it in practice. I have already shown my insecurity. The guy has run away not contacting me anymore. However I still like him. Is there a way to make it up?
I’ve tried not freaking guys out by being needy but right now I really don’t know if what I’m doing is right or not. Long story short: I met this cute guy, we were friends for over a year before we got involved romantically. I’ve kept it quite casual, mainly because I had to change towns for a new job. But after six months of him spending every weekend with me, I had to ask where things were going. And at this point he started saying it’s more like a ‘grey’ zone, we’re just friends and we’d better stop having sex before it ruins our friendship. I was dissappointed, but I respected this. My only condition was that if we were to remain friends, he has to stop doing things like kissing me, hugging me for 2 minutes too long… and he cannot stay overnight at my place anymore. One month later he shows up at my place and, well, things get back to where they were before. This goes on for another 2 months then he suddenly ends everything. Only later I found out that during those 2 months he was already in a relationship with someone else.
I’ve cut him out of my life completely, but this experience makes me ask myself what did I do wrong? What scared him away? I tried to give him enough space and not initiate any commitement discussion too soon… and most of all, I don’t understand why did he have to come back to me if he was already interested in someone else?
Be proud of your independence and ability to love! Why you ask did he see you and continue certainly because he cares for you and likes you.
Next round be the one waiting and just be good to yourself. Expect to find the right person for you who will be interested in things you do and build on that as well.
Good luck and enjoy life!
All the things you suggest are of course right, but what about a real crush and the huge desire that accompanies it… What i want to say is, that i am a romantic woman that falls in love after communicating with a guy and then comes the passion. Sexual chemistry, that comes from love, could only lead me in bed with someone, but when you feel that flame burning you is really hard to say lets wait, especially when that guy says to you i really really want you, while you have made him clear that you’re not a woman that just haves sex. Even if i said him i want to wait and i want you to show me i can trust you, he told me it’s too difficult because you turn me on so much and because we had so much chemistry, we just made out, which is a big thing to me too. The next day because he didn’t contact me i felt a big fool and i sent him an agry message. We kept a level of communication, like once a month doing business, there was always fire but fights too and he approached me again saying i want to casually see each other, but not commit. I told him that’s not what i want and i thought he cared, and the answer i got is that firstly he was in the mood of a relationship but now he wants his tranquility! I was devastated because i was and i am in love with him. I always make the same mistake, one shows me in the beginning that is crazy about me, making me fall in love and then it justs fades away or am i be taken a fool? Even if i put boundries, when you feel so attracted to someone is really hard not to give in emotionally or physically.
You make perfect sense and seem to be honest with your feelings and must certainly find him respectable to be loveable as well. In this case or others then, I would say the answer is just for you to “wait” and resist until you see someone that truly stays and asks to be involved in your life not just dates.. this takes much time and you will see why; you are indeed looking for the right fit and a real relationship. Good luck and you are right to feel all of those feelings first.
I’m a man who likes Matt’s relationship and personal growth advice; I get a lot out of it. But I take issue with some of his sex advice, and occasionally his statements about what men think.
I assume most of you are here because you want a relationship. I’m sure you all have no problems getting sex if you want it. So my advice is based on a long-term outlook.
Ladies, sex doesn’t lead to love for men. Sleeping with him on the first date or three won’t speed up the process. In fact, it does the opposite. He’ll label you as the “fun girl,” not the serious woman who should be respected. I know, it’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.
A man needs trust and loyalty from the woman he’ll commit to. And he won’t trust a woman who sleeps with him too soon. He thinks, “if she slept with me so soon, she’ll leave me for someone else just as quickly.” Or he thinks, “I’ll stay with her until I get tired of her, or until things get rocky.” Sorry again, we’re awful.
And even if he sees that you require other qualities and more emotional investment, he won’t stick around. Why should he? He got easy sex. Doesn’t matter if you play it cool or not.
Boundaries are important, but I wouldn’t say that makes us “powerfully attracted.” It’s how you apply them.
Lay down the law early, tell him you need to date (actual dates) for a month or so before it gets physical. That way you can…
-weed out the players and the non-serious dudes (if he can’t invest a month in you, he wasn’t going to stick around anyway)
-make decisions with a clear mind, not obscured by the emotions of sex
-be more sure that he’ll develop deeper feelings for you
Stephen, I always really appreciate your articles because you explain how guys think which has always been such a huge mystery to me. I know guys think they’re adding 1+1 and getting 2, and that’s why they think they’re so logical. But a guy’s 1 and a woman’s 1 are pretty much never the same thing, at least in my life.
If I sleep with a guy, it’s because I want to. I’m not trying to get anything out of him. I’m not hoping he’ll like me more, or it will move the relationship along. I just want to have sex in that moment. That doesn’t lessen my value in my eyes. I do what I want. That’s the way I want to live my life. I know this is hard for guys to understand, but not everything in life is about them.
I honestly can’t fathom how guys think that when or if I have sex with them is some sort of indication of my value. My body isn’t the most important thing about me. My mind and my heart and my soul are what comprise who I am. My body is just a vessel for those things. If a guy has sex with me, he hasn’t necessarily had any part of the real me.
But, I will say that the commenter below (Harlowe) is right. If a man isn’t offering what I want, I will move on quickly. However, it absolutely doesn’t matter whether I’ve had sex with him or not. Why do guys think a woman will only move on quickly if she has sex quickly? The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I’ll move on depending on what kind of man he is. When or if we’ve had sex isn’t a factor. Honestly, this is a case where a guy’s 1+1=2 is more like a 1+wtf=that’s crazy.
I can’t understand why guys think a woman’s vagina is the most important part of her. It’s not any more important than my pinky finger or my big toe or my right eyebrow when it comes to who I am as a person. The most important part of any human being can’t be seen with the naked eye. And it takes time and authenticity and a willingness to get to know someone to see who they really are and understand what’s really important.
I just think that anyone who believes that a woman’s body is the most important part of her has a completely effed-up value system that I can’t respect at all. I honestly don’t know how to reconcile my value system with values that I can’t respect. This is one of those times where I wonder how men and women can get along at all.
I love love love your response. Your thoughts are same as mine.
I like what I hear so far!!
To get a guy for a committed relationship, put off sleeping with him as long as you can. The friendship of the relationship stops progressing the minute you have sex. At that point he sees you as his lover and is not motivated to get to know you anymore than he already has. If he really likes you he will stick around and wait. Yes he may have sex with other women to fulfill his needs but he will want you more. Men marry virtue not vaginas.
If you sleep with a guy too soon that will always be in his head at how soon you opened your legs for him. He will wonder if you will be that easy with other men especially if you are dating him or married. He will have a hard time trusting you will be faithful. If you lacked the strength to wait for sex with him then why would you have strength to not jump that quickly into bed with another guy you meet while he is at work or out of town.
Waiting to sleep with him is not just for catching the guy but setting up a trust for the future. A trust he can depend on when he is separated from you with work or other obligations. This is your virtue. Not every woman can demonstrate this kind of virtue but any woman can have sex with a guy the first night or weeks. Men marry virtue not vaginas.
Wait as long as you can to have sex. Men fall in love in the chase. In the chase is when he gets to know you and fall for you. If you sleep with him too soon, the chase is non-existent and he can’t fall in love. Men fall in love when they chase and when they give not when the women gives or chases him. Give your body to him too soon and you deny him the time to know you and fall for you. Kiss, touch, rub and hump but don’t have sex i.e. intercourse, blowjobs or any penetration.
If a man can’t stick around to wait for sex with you then you know that is all he wanted from you. Keep your virtue to get your man.
Not sure you’ve read any of this blog if that’s what you believe about all men.
Cool and very nice
I used this trick. Exactly that one. Saying ‘As hot as you are, I prefer to get to know you better’, to each guy I had chemistry with and who wanted to take me home for the night.
Usually they said: ‘ah ok, whatever’. And I never heard from them again.. thanks, a real game changer that was!
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