The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
I made a new friend recently and she told me how kind and gentle I seem. And generous. I think that’s the first impression people get. And I am usually that happy, nice person because I like meeting folks. But later on when I relax around a person, I’ve got more of an edge and am definitely more intense than I first let on. Not sure what to do. If they see the edgy side of me first, some people will not stick around later to see my softer side. With men they like the edgy, sexy side, but again don’t always want to see vulnerability even well beyond the initial several meeting.
Both sides are really me and it’s really difficult for me to show multiple facets of myself all in one a few meetings. I go with how I feel in the moment. It’s hard to be happy and playful if I’m not truly feeling that way and vice versa. I’m not sure if people outside your own head can ever really get the full breadth of who you are. It’s an interesting question. Matt, do you feel your close friends and family get the full breadth of who you are?
Hi Matthew.
(I have just whatched your video directly on Youtube.)
Well… you made me blush. – and to tell you the truth is very rare for me ;)-
Why?
Because in this video, more than in any videos before, you make a girl really feel you are a MEN -in the real and whole sense of this word –
And, by the way, this dark RED is definitely your colour.
Thank you.
M.
Haha thank you so much M, now you’ve made me blush!
Matt x
Maybe that’s evidence that if a guy wants to be masculine he shouldn’t attempt to put on a masculine persona. He should just be himself and his true masculinity will come through.
Hi Matt,
It’s been a long time since my last confession:)
I ride the wave of authenticity as much as I can but sometimes I too wear a mask.
I was really fortunate to run into a guy with a phd in psychology whom could sense my mask and he confronted me with it. It was brutal but very cleansing.
He showed me that though I have come a long way I still have work to do in living from my hart and not the brain. So I’m only to turn on my cerebral CPU when necessary to solve problems and leave the decision making up to my hart and show my hart to the world.
Sending you some love :)
Helle xx
Amazing Helle, so happy to hear : )
Matt x
Rather than people not understanding the full breadth of my personality I’ve met someone who thought their full breath of their pesonality wasn’t worth being taken for what it is and loved the way he is. We all have our dark moments, some more than others, but there are people who really boycott themselves by holding tight onto the aspects of their persona that they think they should improve because they live up to an ideal they think the other person is looking for. It’s great willing to improve some aspects of your personality and always try to be a better version of yourself but that doesn’t mean you can’t be loved during that process which in the end is called life.
I doubt myself often when I like someone, I am afraid of scaring them off or be taken as too idealistic when I express my beliefs on life or even too picky but I think it’s just a matter of time if they are willing to know me well.
This is great Veronica, thank you for sharing!
Matt x
I’m glad you brought this topic up. Lately I’ve been on the other end of the stick. I guess I come off as this perfect ideal person; this causes a lot of people to “fall in love” with the ideal version of myself. From the perspective of the idealized person I hate it. I’d love for people take some time and actually get to know me before deciding I’m wonderful. I don’t spend my time with people who put me on a pedastool. So if anyone reads these comments please use Matt’s advice everyday and enjoy the people around you not the manicured picture. Have a great week everyone
Thank you for the depth and realness of your video. It helped me connect to a time when I was in a group that espoused ruled for listening and respect. In that group people disclosed very raw parts of themselves. To this day those people (men and women) who risked sharing themselves are still held with esteem, beauty and love in my heart. Thank you again for helping reminding me of true connection..
Happy to hear Lorraine : )
Take care
Matt x
Thank you Matt!
Big hug :)
Big hug right back! Thanks Nathalie : )
Matt x
Dear Matthew,
I’ve been watching your videos for about 3 years now and to be honest I’ve never ever commented on one of them. Because I liked them, but only liked them. This one is different. It made me smile because it’s such a good example of what you’re saying in the video. The first time in 3 years I feel like the great Matthew Hussey is exactly the person I thought he is: sometimes the idea of a person is right but only feels right if they are authentic. Now isn’t that great?
Your messages reach Switzerland x
This is so refreshing and lovely to read Lena : )
Thanks so much
Matt x
Well, I will beg to differ. Happy, positive people get a lot of undeserved criticism. I say “hooray for Norman Vincent Peale, et al.” In my own life, I have my paternal grandparents as an example. My grandfather never said a swearword in his life. My Dad remembers a time when my grandfather was hammering a nail into a board and the hammer slipped and he whacked his own thumb. Even then – that was the closest my Dad ever saw his father come to saying a swearword, but he didn’t. He was really, really strong with self-control. Growing up, I heard stories of abusive relationships on my mother’s side of the family (her grandmother, and her aunt), I’m really glad she married into my Dad’s family. Even if they weren’t the most emotive, affectionate people, I always knew they loved us. They were really, truly peaceful people, and they NEVER allowed themselves to lose control and become angry or vindictive. Lots of happy, lifelong marriages on that side of the family. I miss my grandparents! :'(
Hey Lynn,
It’s not that someone has to be angry, vindictive etc. If that is the way your grandparents truly were then that’s beautiful! Your Grandad’s way of reacting to a situation may be different than someone else’s, and what I’m trying to get at is that it’s acceptable for that to be the case. Each person is dynamic and will have their peaks and troughs, of which they will act in which ever manner is best suited to their personality. The trouble arises when someone extends their idealistic view on another and then they fall short of an unreal or unwarranted expectation that’s been cast on them. It’s about learning who someone is at their core, not just the image we want to see ideally.
Very lovely story though, thanks so much for sharing : )
Take care!
Matt x
Matthew Hussey, you are so smart
Tinka, you are so sweet!
Matt x
A lot of people are commenting that they feel they get idealized. I feel the very opposite, people take me to be less than I am. This can be very hard… I am very much myself all the time, very emotional, humorous and silly but at the same time always with a darker layer showing too, I think. I complain and swear and overreact… And I don’t do that much to curb those habits, even though I’m asked by my significant other and sometimes friends…I always take this attitude like “screw you guys, I’m great and you should like me for me.” But yeah, I guess my point is sometimes I feel like I become perceived wrongly. One night at a bar, after she met my boyfriend, one of my (somewhat drunken) girlfriends said to me something like: “he’s so perfect for you, because like, you’re so broken and he’s really put together, I think he can help you.”
Well yeah, he is really “put together” and certainly very emotionally stable and calm in character, but he’s a man. And I’m a woman- and what resonated with me was that she thinks I’m “broken” … I don’t really see myself as broken. I see myself as a very strong person who has overcome some pretty bad hands in life, and overcome them well.
I think this might happen a lot. People look at my situation, my demeanor, and maybe my attitude and think “that girl is kind of fucked up.” I’m not at all. Maybe I’ve idealized myself and they’re right and I’m wrong? I don’t know, but I think I’m a very affectionate, caring, empathetic person who deserves a better reputation than “broken”
Hi Rain,
This is a struggle I have as well. Going against my label as it were. Actually I have no idea what my label is to most people and one of the reasons was that I didnt care what they thought about me anyway. Because what was I going to do? Change for them! Uh, no. However when I did get some descriptors “nerd”, “dramatic” “intense” I began a journey to crystalize myself for myself. I wanted to authentically project who I was so that when someone did throw a descriptor out it would be: classy, fun, cool…. yeah that is me and it always was. Just rev up yourself and don’t sensor yourself. Be so open you impress yourself with your inner cool. Be yourself exponentially! For sure non of us is “put together” in 100% of the areas that make up us. That is why we are US!
Peace.
If a guy perfectly personified my standards 100% of the time I”d be terrified of him and never start a relationship. I would feel as though he also had a perfect standard for me that I could never live up to. I don’t want it, so why would I do that to him or anyone else? (“Anyone else” includes you as well, Matthew)
I still have standards, but I also want to give everyone freedom for natural reactions to weak moments (or weak…weeks…).
Has anyone not understood the breadth of my personality? The honest answer: most people don’t understand the breadth of my personality.
I should clarify. The people who I truly love and respect do understand me, or if they don’t at the moment are aware of what to do or ask to figure out what’s going on.
There is this group of people I have pushed to my outer circle because they assume they know me by my stock label as the weird nerd and never bother to ask questions about why I do things or why I enjoy certain activities or find out I like things that are “normal” by their standards. I find their presence stifling, since being the way I want to be around them results in being shot down. So being myself around them means I have to clam up or else I get frustrated and annoyed. So I also heap “quiet” onto their set of labels because I do so for defense.
Needless to say, I don’t go to their parties to look for new connections. Can’t open up around them, so I don’t get to shine.
It’s okay Matthew. “Be yourself,” as they say. Yes, I do know how you feel about that phrase. Yes, I am smirking as I type this.
Haha cheeky Amber. Thanks for sharing : )
Matt x
Yes, basically I had no idea I was hiding aspects of my personality yet was surprised they weren’t recognised
I think your video on old people is hysterical – shows a great sense of humor you have – you are fantastic – love every video you do – you are very real!!!!!
Haha thank you Lynn!! Glad you enjoyed it, I know I did ; )
Matt x
great blog and very valid point. Happiness is not a place but moments in our lives to be enjoyed when they come along!
: )
x
Gosh you are amazing! :)
Thank you Plamena ; )
x
xoxo
Matt,
There is a reason I wake up on Sunday and look for the Sunday club email, and it has nothing to do with the power of your speaking, sexy accent, or crazy good looks. I can see people who are attractive or appealing on TV, but they don’t have an impact on my life. That is why I keep logging in, your version of self-help is the kind I can connect with. I really think that’s because you are personable, more like a friend that wants to help.
Short story made not so short…. Keep showing your colleagues how it’s done!
Well done you!
Holly
Miss Holly. This is truly lovely. Thank you! : )
Matt x
Yes, sometimes people don’t understand the full breadth of my personality. It´s like that because I´m a weird person but I like that. When you have a lot of facets of yourself it´s easy to people to be fool about who you are. That´s why I love Meredith Brooks song named “Bitch”.
Haha I think we’re all a little “weird” ; )
Matt x
i think even after spending a lifetime together, people don’t gauge the breadth of their spouse’s intellect or personality or whatever we call it. we have a pre-conceived image of what things should be like & any deviation from it is a pain in the a**.
as i see it, essentially no-one else can truly appreciate the other human being as a whole, with their flaws & all, because at the worst of times, each of us is alone. no matter how many friends or well-wishers we have, we break into pieces & are left hurting in utter isolation. unless someone knows what i have been through, they can never truly or completely understand me. and then people say “u’ve changed”!
Thank you Matt, I really enjoyed this post because this exact thought has been in my mind lately… The idea of connecting with someone for who they are instead of exerting our ideals onto them… All while maintaining standards of how to be treated in a relationship. We can come into a relationship with expectations and standards but often a partner does things differently…. Shows love differently, communicates differently and has different needs from our own. And this is actually exciting when I think about it… Being with a partner means being curious and exploring a new way of living and experiencing life together.
These thoughts were sparked for me after listening to Scarlett Johnannson in an interview for Don Jon. She said, “As women we expect certain things out of a man, like to take care of his business and to be responsible but some of these other ideals, they don’t really leave room for the humanity of relationships and the complications if being in a relationship… And the fact that relationships are complicated and people are complicated… And I think when we are so dogmatic with our ideas of what we’re meant to have in a partner, we really miss out on the opportunity to grow with somebody “.
At the end of the day, I am learning that standards reflect a deeper sense of how someone treats, respects and prioritizes you but on a different level, allowing your partner to be who they are and respect that, is vital.
Thanks for another great topic :)
Xx