The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
Thx,Matt I really enjoyed this video. Your on point with this one. I have to be honest one I saw your first videos on “Youtube” I was like this person can not be happy and perfect all the time. But your true essence and candid behavior has come out on the videos and also on NBC( Hoda and Kathylee). There’s a realness that makes me want to hear more of what your saying.Keep inspiring us!
I have a hard time letting myself be jubilant and enthusiastic and playful. When I genuinely felt like that and let it show as a child, the response from my family was that I was being ridiculous, childish, and out-of-line.
And now, when I occasionally let this part of me show around men, they invariably move towards me and start sharing their hopes and dreams and inner selves. This makes me uncomfortable. (Ha! And I say I wonder why I’m single…;)
First and foremost, I need my OWN permission to be silly, loving, and passionate. “Proper” be damned.
Hi Matt
I must say you cannot be more right about this. Is it a fact that people fall for the idea of the person rather than for the actual person. Hence so many disappointments and heartbreak. Keep up the good work!
Hey Matt
Great video and some really good and valid points.
What I want to know is how do we actually get to the point of being able to show someone who we really are? (maybe something for a future blog?).
The bit about the old people in retirement homes at the end made me chortle.
I love my Sunday moments with you :)
Jo x
Hi Jo!
I think it has to do with relaxing, and trying not to pressure yourself. In the end, if the guy can’t accept the real you, you can find another who does.
Have a beautiful Sunday!!
Hi Giu
It isn’t a case of him not accepting the real me and more about me not being able to present the real me.
Jo
Hey Matt!
I totally agree!!! But isn’t idealization the first stage into falling in love? Then comes the rough part and that’s accepting the person the way they are and loving them anyway…
I’ve been through that stage. The first time I couldn’t get past it, and realized that guy was nothing like I expected him to be, and backed off. The second time, the guy couldn’t get past it, but I did and I loved his imperfection…
I think it’s also about not having preconcepts and no expectations at first, so this other person can surprise yo, and you feel no pressure to be a certain way, just be you. If there’s something I’ve learnt over this past years is that guys aren’t always predictable, and while to us, girls, some things are obvious, guys wouldn’t even notice them, so they need more talking about some things sometimes…
Have a great week!
You’re right that idealizing IS often present at the first stage of falling in love. But as your comment demonstrates, it is a problem when we are never able to move past that, if we are never able to pass over into accepting the person as they really are.
Well….. I love you, Matt.
You’re the shit!
You’ll find her. You’ve got lots to choose from….I’m sure.
Stay genuine!
-Alyssa
You’ve hit the nail on the head there Matt. You can’t be at your peak all of the time, it’s just not human. I’ve just got to the other side of realising that a guy I was infatuated with for ages, was not who I thought he was. I’ll take full credit for bigging him up to be someone I hoped he would be. However, he will tell you exactly the same about me. I work in customer service and he’s only seen me at work so thought I was constantly happy, helpful and smiley. He really hasn’t taken into account that there was more to it. Likewise, little things cropped up which I just never thought he would do. We’re unfortunately not even really speaking now, it’s a shame as when we were mates, things were good. I’m hoping time will get us chatting again, even if it’s small talk. In the meantime…I’m off creating!
Matt, Really enjoying an authentic perspective on self help. (I like to call it personal development).
Thanks!
You couldn’t have said it better. I actually enjoy your newer stuff even more because it is you and it is raw and candid. Sometimes I LOVE hearing you say a cuss word because your British accent sounds so perfect and proper and it reminds me that no one is always proper and perfect! My friend and I have your book and your Keep The Guy movies. You Matthew are helping transorm my life!! I can not thank you enough. Keep doing what you do. Be true to yourself. You are making so many people in this world happy and helping grow and spread love universally now. Who cares if you get some stupid people commenting negatively sometimes? You are an amazing wonderful person and you have no idea how many lives and hearts youve touched. I appreciate you!
thank you hero for another amazing video.
so the lesson for today is
every person = Diversity of earth
what I mean is every person is like the Diversity of earth ( which is beautiful ). sometimes we are dry like desert ,sometimes we are cold like ice ,sometimes we are angry like volcano , sometimes we are happy like rainbow ……etc .so that what make us human ( Diversity ).
do you remember why i called you HERO .it’s because what i felt ,saw and believin you . that’s why i said this
The real hero is not what we see in the movies. the real hero who faces his self and knows the disadvantages and advantages that he has. The real hero who doesn’t hide but expresses moments of strengths and weaknesses. And always who tries to become not only the best but extends his hands in order to help everyone in life.
THANK YOU HERO.
I whole heartedly agree with this because I think I am one of those people that constantly falls into this trap. When I see enough positive attributes, I begin to ignore the red flags and the reality of a person because they are 80% who I want them to be and I begin trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I now try very hard to accept my feelings- whatever they maybe, yet try to stay present with what a person is actually doing and the reality of who they are or are not. However my feelings usually get the better of me anyway…. Do you have any advice or practical strategies to kind of keep yourself in check in these situations? I’m talking about the very early stages of dating and getting to know someone and not getting carried away with an ideal just because they have ticked a few boxes. I agree with everything you said in this video- but HOW does one actually do that, because it’s easier said than done. Especially when you really want to meet someone…
Matt I wanted to follow on from what Rosie commented earlier. It’s very easy to get lost into ideals in the early stages of dating. I miss the red flags because I really want to meet someone special so I only end up seeing their good points (some of which are exaggerated in my head) and end up disappointed or confused when they do a disappearing act!
This is so true…Matt, you are amazing :)
Hey Matt,
I always was so inspired after watching your videos ( I was so emotional), but since I shared your name as a coach to really help someone, it`s not quiet the same. It`s like I had this powerful advice in a way for myself which gave me power and now the glitter is gone. I don`know. Could have other reasons. I never really (until once) gone for your advice. I am pretty much a waiter but I have so much to do for myself. I have this addiction too which puts me back again and again and I am tired of failing myself. I get depressed. It is hard and it`s hard to know you really want to get over your addiction but in the other hand you`re scared you will fail again. Look you are helping me cause you are standing for a lot I want for myself. You are absolutely great. I am alway agreeing with your advice and I have to tell when it`s one about life and behaving I know a lot by myself but I never do it. That`s my problem. I am not going for my life and my addiction is watching TV- so don`t worry. Maybe this comment will help me understanding. Any nice words?
Love the vid as it coincides with a conversation my sister and I just had when we were out to lunch yesterday. When growing up (the teenage years) we didn’t see eye to eye and argued a lot. What we didn’t do was connect to one another and allow each other to BE who we were regardless of strengths and weaknesses. We are great friends now and I must say even though she is younger than me she is my greatest teacher at this time in my life. (Your coaching helps too-lol)
On a similar note, I work with children and one of the questions I am constantly asked is are the children going to learn ABC’s/123’s etc. I let the parents know that our main focus in preschool is learning through play ‘where all cognitive concepts are’ but more importantly teaching them life skills that will carry on through the school years and beyond. I mention that we all have strengths and weaknesses as humans and our goal in preschool is to celebrate their strengths and to meet them ‘where they are at’ in their areas for growth and support and encourage them along the way. I think any great relationship requires these components and understandings. To be human is to be imperfect and to expect anything else from ourselves only sets us up for personal and relationship failure.
Goodness knows I don’t want to be the alternative; a emotionless robot that is numb to the wonderful and sometimes painful experiences that go along with life.
Thanks for the reminder that falling off of pedestals is not only painful but inevitable,
Kristi
PS-waiting for a retreat response.
Great video, Matt!
Your videos DID become exponentially better after you started revealing your real self, your real self experiencing different emotions. You became more of a real person, more complex and less two-demensional.
Thank you for wanting authenticity!!! I look at the public world and see millions of people who want polished ideal and its so tiring. Even all around oneself you see the demand for polish: people brag about themselves and about their kids and so on. Sometimes it makes me really scared and sometimes it makes me want to scream.
I also grew up learning that you had to be happy ALL the time. I try to learn my son, that he need to be him, not some idea.
And for a long time, even for years back, people had this idea of me, and then when I did something they didnt expected they be shocked and I felt ucomfortable, because it had always been ME. Even today I can still sometimes suprise people, it can be fun, but sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable and a bit irritated.
But through me life I have had more and more prople come up to me and told me they respected me so much because I want the real deal, true to myself and everytime I have been SO proud.
Ann Sofie
Thank you, thank you! Having spent the past year “studying” the mirage of dating/relationship coaches out there, I came full circle to what you spoke about today. Maybe it’s my age (I’m 60), but I am not attracted to any person who is inauthentic, pretentious or so self conscious you can’t see who they really are- so why should I try to be that? I thoroughly enjoy your posts and enjoyed seeing you i San Diego- you are delightful! Best to you and your continued success! Paula
And that i was the the real deal and authentic :)
Oh hell yes…to all of it…especially the stds in retirement homes lmao.
Dah dah dah daaaaa…very well said and props to you Matt and to all who don’t allow others to dictate how we are to behave at any given moment. Be who you are at all times…in joy, sadness, anger you name it. Otherwise you are being a fake. I believe in being true to yourself in every sense of the phrase. Thanks as always Matt…for being true to yourself…I take many pages from your book :) hehe
I fell for the idea of my EX and not for him as a person. I fell for the potential I saw and not for the cheating, using manipulating PRICK he truly is and was and always will be!!!
in this moment I am angry, yet happy for I know now that the truth will most definitely set you free!!!
As for people understanding the full breadth of my personality, no one has ever come close to truly understanding me, my kindness is taken for weakness, my love is taken for granted.
My personality is like an onion so many layers, though cut into me without proper precautions and there will be tears
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5Z2sEXWn5I