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Don’t Fall For An Ideal, Fall For A Person

The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.

I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.

I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.

‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.

But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.

People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.

I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).

In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.

We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.

In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.

“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”

I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.

I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.

It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.

I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.

Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.

When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.

We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.

My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.

The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.

Question of the day…

Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…

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198 Replies to “Don’t Fall For An Ideal, Fall For A Person”

  • Thank God for that!!

    I don’t think I can take one more Zombie person giving me self help in a way that makes me feel wrong because they are so right.

    I feel like your a real person who has made mistakes and done something the hard way, and that makes me feel like perhaps you understand where I’m at…

  • Yes! It is actually more challenging to find relationships with people that are real and you can connect with at a soul level. When you are with someone who seema ao robotical because they never seem sad or happy or angry or anything its totally unfulfilling. I crave someone who is real over someone that is perfect. I want someone to bust up laughing when I do something stupid not look at me with disgust. I want someone I can be my unedited self with and who loves me for all that I am. Its heartbreaking when you feel people dont give you the love you deserve but its ultimately their loss and leaves you more room to find those deep and meaningful connections.

  • I loved the video with those hip old,down to earth, fucking hilarious seniors! When I am a senior I volunteer myself to be in one of those videos Matt..free of charge…just because it was absolutely brilliant. Cheers to you. Love the way your brain works.

  • Great video body! where were you from long long time?
    This video was certainly going to change my life, hope is not too late.

  • Matt,
    O hallelluyah!! Totally agree thankful for ur realness. I want a real person… Not a facade…
    This guy keeps saying to me when i’m quiet and listening- he thinks something is wrong/up. Actually when i’m listening its a good thing- hello. He seems to think i’m out of character. Such crap!!

    One reason i like ur clips is that we get that diversity of your moods and quirks. I think thats one of the reasons i even bother to read ur emails Matt. Thanks for actually thinking about the perception of urself. Probably why other self help speakers come across w a fakery because they dont, well not enough anyway.

    Keep it real, i dig that !!

    Polly (Australia)

  • I agree, if you’re chasing an ideal, you’ll never find it. There’s always room for forgiveness in a relationship as we all need it.
    However, I’m struggling at times to communicate my needs without it sounding like a criticism. I promise, I’m not forceful or anything. I spend time trying to calmly explain how I feel. Yet, the last person that I dated, would literally cut me off, getting all upset at how critical I am.

  • You may not see this comment but I’m just gonna take a chance and leave it out there. I always know what to say when the situation involves someone else but when it’s my problem or my conversation with a guy it’s so easy to loose my thoughts basically I can’t think on my fee and that’s not even when a guy is involved it’s just whenever I’m not expecting what’s been said… Love u

  • I love authenticity. People who are genuine. I think that is why I find myself so confounded by my current mental state of affairs over a man that I recently met. I feel as though I’m stuck-on-stupid. I’m stupidly stuck on my emotions over a man that initially I thought I would not like when I met him.

    This man whom I shared a delicious dinner with is sexy on the inside and out. I knew upon meeting him that he is intelligent, which just made me want to lick his brain. Suddenly during the date, I got stuck-on-stupid. I became nervous and started talking a lot. I found myself involuntarily word vomiting all over him. What I would not have given to have the dry-heaves. Even today (a week later) I find myself having to sit on my hands to keep from texting him.

    Practically every aspect of my life is in transition. I’m in the midst of finding a new job, finding a new place to live, and then I meet this incredibly sexy, intelligent man. I cannot get him out of my mind. If you knew where I lived and the dating pool I have to choose from, you’d understand how this individual is so rare and precious.

    I’m not exactly sure why I’m posting this comment. It seems so unlikely to get a response…sort of like throwing a message in a bottle out into the Universe. How do I get unstuck from stupid? How do I rein in these deliciously wild emotions that make me want to blurt out a series of incoherent thoughts towards a man whose “box of chocolates” I want to bite into (quotations are from a movie reference).

    Yours truly,
    Stuck-On-Stupid

    P.S. Matt: He did exactly what you mentioned in one of your videos (well sort of). He walked me to my car, kissed me on my cheek, and told me to text him when I got home so he knew I was safe. Ugh! The bastard! Threw me right over the top of stupid.

  • I find the layers within the breadth of my personality take more than a couple dates for a guy to gain perspective on who I am.
    I try very hard to put myself in my dates shoes, but I have to look out for myself, meaning maintaining the boundaries that protect my inner self- the self I give wholeheartedly to when the vibe and connection is mutual. I let too much out too soon a while back, expecting the guy to get me more. Not the case. Stay classy and thanks for the awesome weekly posts!

  • When I’m really interested in a person, I tend to analyze everything I find out about them. I love when I find something small, a quirk or a new fact about them that I had never known before. I spend a lot of time inside my own head and the more I know about a person, the more I can visualize their behavior in different ways. Sometimes, it’s the small awkward things about them that really clue me into their emotions at that moment and how they react to situations.

    I put people on a pedestal as much as the next person, but I love the moment when I see something that pulls them off that pedestal, no matter how much I may admire and respect them. It makes them more real to me and that’s how I want them.

  • I sadly experienced this in my last relationship. In fact, it wasn’t me who idealized, it was my boyfriend. I think also because of this reason, he broke up just after 3 weeks… There for sure also were other reasons (he did smth like a relationship hopping) but when he broke up, he only listed his ideals about me as positive attributes, in fact what a woman should have in his opinion, to be in a relationship together to build up a safe future. Yes, they did fit on me, but it was quite insulting that he never truely had a look with his heart on me. I felt like a doll he chose out of a catalogue by the right criterias. The next one also could have passed through but I was there before her. I’m still sad he didn’t really give us a chance, he was a very respectful gentleman who did care about me, but only as long as the fresh feeling lasted. After this, he build up walls.

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