If He’s Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing?

Stephen Hussey

It’s easy to find yourself wasting a lot of time and heartache over guys who were never really serious in the first place.

What usually happens in these stories is as follows: a guy approaches you and shows some interest, and you start texting and talking on the phone. Maybe you go on a date. Things seem fun, but after a while his interest just sort of tapers off, or he only makes contact at random intervals, drifting in and out of your inbox.

You feel you’ve already become attached to him, yet you don’t know where you stand.

Now you’re thinking about him a lot, discussing his behaviour with your friend, and over-analyzing every text he sends (when he does bother to send them).

You are investing deeper and deeper in this guy, despite the fact that he’s not showing any signs of chasing.

I know this position sucks, and what makes it worse is that the guy gives you no obvious sign about what he wants.

Chances are, he feels some level of attraction to you, or enjoys your company, but he doesn’t feel enough interest or urgency to seriously make an effort.

Why Guys Show Attention But Don’t Take It Further

Men who string women along tend to be those who need of a lot of sexual validation.

He may not be interested in any kind of serious relationship, but he wants to boost his self-esteem by reminding himself that women are attracted to him sexually. Hence he goes and dates and sends flirty texts even when he has no desire for things to move forward.

So what can you do about this?

The trick is knowing the difference between him playing and him chasing

Look for the following signs to know if he’s chasing you:

  • He gets back to your texts and calls in good time (i.e. he doesn’t wait for a week or more before texting out of the blue).
  • He suggests meeting up and actively tries to schedule a date.
  • When he meets you, he expresses a desire to do real dates, rather than just hanging out at his place.
  • He wants to get to know you rather than just sleep with you.
  • He doesn’t express a desire to be single (i.e. if he keeps saying he doesn’t want a girlfriend, take him at his word).

Before a guy does these things, by all means you can be in contact and flirt with him, but don’t hold out a false hope that with enough time he’ll suddenly “get serious” and start pursuing you for a relationship.

In some cases, it is possible that a guy is not chasing because he’s got a ton going on in his life, or because he’s under immense career pressure and can’t imagine a relationship right now, or because he just broke up with his ex and needs to heal first.

The point is, whatever is going on his life is totally out of your control.

Your job in the early stages is not to play the guessing game. Let him do what he does and react accordingly.

Matt has a rule I’ve repeated before: Like those who like you.

I would also amend this slightly: Get serious about people who treat you as serious.

Some people advise taking a chance on the unknown. Others think that’s crazy. I don’t think it is. What is undeniably crazy though is taking a chance with your heart on someone you already know isn’t bothered about giving you theirs.

(If you want to read more about the reason guys hesitate to get into relationships in the first place, read this piece on the 3 Reasons Why He Won’t Commit…)

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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

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(Photo: Gettyimages)

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

102 Responses to If He’s Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing?

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  1. susie q says:

    I met a cute guy single,and organically ( not seeking) we had a good first date,and
    he and i are both mature. he flirted,and offered to make me dinner,and did not
    do any sexual talk. 2 months later/ YES !! then he back-peddled,and asked me for counselling advice” about
    his life ( i get paid for that) then he asked AGAIN for free services 2 days later???. i cancelled my
    date,and called him on it,nicely. he said “well? i am just in a soul=searching and not
    sure about romance acually? I was sad.I said ok lets be friends then. now he is asking me for DINNER? normally that is ROMANTIC unless its denny’s..i am wondering if he is just seeking ego-strokes.i am nobody’s sista,mother. i tend to attract cute “mama’s boys” who have awkward strong mothers..i am not seeking to continue “nurturing another grown man”. any advice?

  2. Rohan says:

    Stop telling men to chase women bro. I like your work but the phrasing of “chasing” needs to go. Enough of the kids games, and men have life with goals and dreams to achieve so who the hell has got time to chase women. Get to know someone yes but chase no. Give men some respect.

  3. Alexandra says:

    So I have a questions:
    Literally this guy I met online was doing all the above in the bullet points and one day he didn’t text for 1,2,3 days…I took Matt’s advice on the 59 ways to talk to men and cheekily wrote him a message and he replied! Kept it up for about an hour and now it’s been another 24 hours after my message and I can’t get him out of my head. We had great first 3 days, he chatted to me about marriage, divorce, kids, perfect house, if i’m handy, etc- things I happily expressed to him honestly and I told him I trusted him and he told me “What took you so long” and I told myself I would’t freak at him and not carry previous emotional baggage with me….I don’t want to text him anymore…I don’t think I should text him. I just want to know what the f**k happened.

  4. Rose says:

    I recently moved to a city for work & will be staying here for 3 mo. My ex boyfriend also works 1 hr away from where i am.
    Lately, we’ve been chatting everyday for 2 weeks now. He is really fun to talk to, i enjoyed our conversations and i feel he does too. We always keep it casual, he always replies on time, and i wanted to meet him face to face but i didn’t want to initiate.
    I felt like he’s sending mixed signals. At first he seemed interested in meeting me too and asked when my rest day is. I told him next week, and he told me he’ll check his schedule. He said if only i was near, he’d come visit me often. So I asked him if he can give me a tour around but he politely declined and said he’s really not much of a tour guide since he doesn’t go out often and would rather stay home during his off to rest.
    Come next week, he didn’t open up the topic of the meet up. What should i do? I don’t want to go and remind him if he had checked his schedule already but i feel like we should meet up before i leave next month. Should i be straight forward about it? Or just wait on him?
    Any thoughts pls. Thank you. xoxo

  5. Flora Laplaca says:

    A powerful share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing slightly analysis on this. And he in fact bought me breakfast as a result of I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love studying extra on this topic. If attainable, as you become experience, would you mind updating your blog with extra particulars? It is extremely helpful for me. Huge thumb up for this blog put up!

  6. Josie says:

    So I am in a bit of a weird “relationship” Started dating this guy two months ago (friend of a friend) and things were great. We connected emotionally, and went on about one date per week. He started getting bad at texting a few weeks ago, would take anywhere between 3-6 days to respond to texts. Granted, he is busy and in an issue with his job right now. The past few weeks he also hasn’t been putting in initiative to plan dates, and I have been the one texting him asking to meet up. He does say he likes me and we have shared deeply emotional stories. This week was the same thing though, and he wasn’t texting me except to say he saw this movie. I really wanted him to take initiative so was waiting for him to text, but then asked him to meet up anyhow this weekend. Am I wrong to be taking most of the initiative? I know from friends he is very timid and shy and also only dates one person at once, but past relationship trauma has made me also worried I am not a priority and another person is involved. Is this crazy? Also even though it’s been two months, we haven’t had the “what are we discussion,” and also haven’t had sex. We still are only seeing each other about once a week, which also bothers me. What do I do?

  7. May says:

    Hi guys! I stopped dating this guy because he doesn’t want a serious relationship. He only wanted a casual relationship. With how are things now he still wants to be with me but just to hang out for now just like friends. Can I still try to change his mind into us getting back into dating and possibly change his mindset on being in a serious relationship? His definition of being in a serious relationship is moving in together, having a life together and dying together. Thanks.

    • MH Support says:

      Hey May! Matt’s advice is, if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. – Mars

  8. In dire need of advice says:

    I need advice, there’s this guy I’ve been on dates with twice I’ve been single for nearly a decade now and I’m trying to put myself out there again and this guy I like is someone who keeps popping up in my life unexpectedly and randomly so I start thinking serendipity right? We got together and had coffee was extremely awkward but then finally relaxed when we started talking about him….. then the second was movies he looked like he didn’t enjoy himself even though he said he did then about a few days go by and I don’t hear from him so I text him I see his online and his seen my text he’s not responding then I say you’re not really ready for a relationship he says he’s just not ready to be dating yet so I suggest we become friends start off slow no pressure and that I really like him we talk share funny meme through email and message more than we did when we were trying to date I’m trying to figure out how to get him to see me as a potential girlfriend as I’m worried some beautiful skinny girl comes along and he falls under her spell

  9. Bookkeeper Sydney says:

    Now a quick tangent; I’ve a confession to make.

  10. Cynthia S says:

    I love this! I just made a comment on one of the videos of Fast Track asking for what it looks like when someone invests in you. I feel like this is a great answer to that question. Thank-you!

  11. Nadica M says:

    Thank you Stephen. That really opened my eyes because I am currently going through the exact same thing. Hopefully I have the guts to move forward.

  12. Dina says:

    Hey Stephen,
    I read your blog and it’s helpful. I want suggestion for my relationship. I badly insulted my boyfriend (who is my ex now) He believe that I supervise and undervalued him. which is not true. I fought with him many times but I never undervalue him or supervise. I want to change his thinkings and insecurity. Please help. thank you

    • Akash says:

      All he wants to see you cry for what you have done…if you really feel bad for what you did to him …go talk to him and cry your heart out proov him that you are sry…and u did not mean what you said…he will feel better…just some of those tears can make him feel alright…

  13. Mandy says:

    so….I could use some advice. I am very quite new to online dating. I have never had a hard time attracting the person but its the process of keeping this person and the pace I want to go.

    I have talked to this guy for a few days straight already and it seems we have some interest in common. HE attracts me physically but I would really love to get to know him personally and vice versa. I have always had the problem that I take things too physical in the early stages. I’m trying to reverse that and learn how to like the person within.
    HE does show some chase but it is very vague. My question for whoever is reading is….How should i improve the chase? Should i become a little distant or a little more forward and spontaneous and suggest him to take me on a date? (ps: our first date was cancelled due to work).

    Please and thank you. :)

    • Alexandros Anastasiadis says:

      Hello there Mandy!

      I am a guy and my suggestion would be to become more distand instead of straight forward – plus its only online dating and from what i understood u havent even met so dont take the case to seriously,yet…

  14. damnit! says:


    So, I met this guy online. At first, he initiated all the texts and arranged three dates in a row of weekends (one was the first time meet up, the second was a movie date and the other was when he made me meet his friends). He complained to me that i haven’t made any plans with him and wants me to take the lead. So.. I do that. We have an amazing time. He makes me promise that I would call him everyday (Cause he is complaining). I call him day after because the next day i got busy. He doesn’t pick up. I text him Goodnight and he instantly replies apologizing that he was busy and that is why he couldn’t pick up. I tell him to go back to work, wish him good luck and tell him it’s ohk and that now, since he is busy with work,he should be calling me when its done.
    next nine days, i don’t hear anything. He does call and when I don’t pick up, cause I’m busy. I text him back 2 hours later and he is just like.. called you by mistake! (I understand this could totally happen). I just answer back with a ‘oh’. He reads it and never replies back. Can you tell me if i did something wrong?

  15. Samuel jackson says:

    My ex of 3yrs dumped me out of the blue then told me the usual bs women say, like “i’m confused, i need to find myself, give me some space then maybe when i come back, i can give you 100% of my love, blah blah” she just couldn’t tell me the specific reason why she was breaking up with me. i chased her for a month, i’d text or fb message her a thousand times a day & after a week she’d reply “let me go”. Things were like that for a whole month which seemed like an eternity. She said i should move on with my life, she said to me that she tried loving me but it just didn’t work out. Holy crap. This was far far more painful. my primary intention was to make her tell me the specific reason why she broke up with me. Got no response from her but “just let me go”. So i did some investigation& found out that she’s back in a relationship with her ex. Who dumped her 3 years ago for another woman. So after knowing the real reason why she break up with me, i was emotionally down. i was lost. For i saw clearly the lies, her disrespect for me, & the betrayal that she did. After 4 days of no contact with her, i love her and was ready to get her back at all means, i went online on how to get her back then i saw a review of Man called Dr Mack, someone said he restores broken relationship, i had to contact this Dr Mack through the Email;dr_mack@yahoo. com which was on the review, i got a reply from him and he said he could help me restore my relationship, i was happy and was expecting a positive result, after 3 days, My Ex started texting me & calling me day and night. i didn’t answer her calls. But on the fourth day that she texted me again saying that she wants us to come back together like the the old times, she said she would never ever leave me & she’ll never hurt my feelings again. She even said we could get married next Month.

  16. Carley says:

    This really spoke to me. I’d been seeing Mr Casual on and off for 3 months and knew my feelings were deepening. I made him aware of this but he never made direct comments about it just kept reiterating he enjoyed my company. Things came to a head. I was feeling rubbish in myself, investing in it more than he was. So o called it off again. Now I just have to work through the sicky feeling of missing him and move forwards. He was the first guy I really liked since splitting with my ex husband 6 months ago x

    • Misha says:

      Hey Carly!

      That’s exactly my situation you are describing. I met someone on holidays six months after me and my husband split up. We started a holiday romance and I had a severe crush on him.
      Now I’m back in his town and after only three, though exciting days he let me fall cruelly, he just doesn’t make an effort to spend time with me anymore (only once when he was drunk, but I don’t go with that). And now I feel miserable to have thought he liked me, and I’m trying to be strong and don’t answer his texts right away, thinking what on Earth went wrong all of a sudden.
      Your post was from April – have you managed to get over it?

  17. Brisgwr says:

    Mine is of friendship. I give and give and I am helping to get a monkey off his back, but he never says Thank You. You manage to help and help and help and all you get is I gotta go no thanks for helping him nothing. And when you try to talk he finds it easier to turn a deaf ear and walk away leaving it all up in the air..and there i go getting depressed doubting my own self worth…i have helped people over and over again all for nothing.

  18. leonard says:

    I do not think ( or else I hope not) that I need the woman in my life to be”my biggest fan”, but I guess that there is SOME level of mutual feeling and respect that I would enjoy. Do NOT how you ever arrive at that if the woman EXPECTS him to chase her ,so that would prove something to her, so that NOTHING gets proven to him. Can you say 50% divorce rate?

  19. Viane says:

    This is really helpful. Thank you.

  20. Ann says:


    I bumped into this guy in a bar months ago ….. said we would see each other at an opening night at a bar a few weeks later ….. very casual no numerous exchanged.

    Anyway …my father unexpectedly asked away and I didn’t make it …. I knew he was linked to the pub/ bar so made contact and got his number …explained my lack of attendance.

    We agreed a date … met in a bar and took be to a great restaurant

    We chatted and laughed all night spoke of going to other places on dates

    The night passed in a whizz…..for both of us.

    We had a peck on the lips goodnight and he text me when home saying great to see me and planning our next date

    I responded positivly … then nothing for 2 days

    He messaged me saying

    You are quiet ?

    So I messaged back saying lovely to hear from him and knew busy etc …setting up our next date lol

    We chatted briefly on the phone that day
    And text that night once and next day

    Not a short text …he sent long one saying both busy so may have to be week after for a next date and my be going away with work this week ( own buisness)

    To me he is perfect …we just clicked

    He said he was she’ll shocked in a good way as never really dated ” blind” before.

    He’s late 50s I’m mid 40s but that’s no issue for me at all and I have young children which he seems OK with as not had his own.

    So …… it’s very early days …. just one proper date

    But I normally wait for the guy to contact me if interested he will.

    But I get the impression that he wants me to initiate ….. could be fear of age thing ….. as many guys chase/ love my personality … I’m sad he’s not chased

    Could it be work/ busy genuinely

    Or is he not interested ?

    Is agreeing to meet next week enough for him to focus on work ?

    Should I send nice happy no pressure text or just wait ?


  21. Pingback:Don’t chase men, chase your Dreams ✨ | maamarixo

  22. Vcg says:

    When a man is interested in being with you, everyone will know it. Please don’t waste your time on someone who plays with your fragile heart. Here is my story. I gave my heart to a selfish narcissistic guy. He never paid for mr flight, rental car, gas, or anything except for a meal or so. He would leave me and go to games with his family, do Sunday dinners with his family while I would have to entertain myself. Im really upset at myself for being a fool for love. I have deleted his number as well as blocked his number should he try to call me. I dont know why I ever liked him except for physical reasons. He hates most women, especially black women. However he seems to love his black female family members. He never introduced me to his sister and she lives right next door. I drive 10 hours and not once did he call to see if I made it home safely. He never met me halfway or introduced me to his chid but he was introduced to my child. So, I am done. I do believe that he cared about me. I have known him for almost 30 year but I dont believe he ever loved me.

    • TS says:

      He sounds a lot like my POS ex-narcissist! Does he live in North Charleston, SC? Like seriously, narcissism is much more rampant than people realize, but your post sounded like my long term horror story!

  23. A says:

    I’ve never posted on here but have read your book and blog for a long time and I think everything has worked for me so far. I assert my standards and have a fulfilled life but I am now in a difficult situation where I am avoiding confrontation. I have been introduced to a guy I’ve been seeing a parents however we are not exclusive. A holiday came at the wrong point for him and since going to Ibiza I encouraged him to enjoy his holiday and left it as that on the text front. He replies when he gets there and then I hear from him three days after he has got back. However I see he has an updated tinder profile and is gaining a lot of sexual validation in back and fourths on social media like Instagram, as you say in the blog a virtual dating profile. The only hope is that he is confused and that he asks to see me shortly I have avoided gut reactions to seeing what is right in my face because I am jumping to huge conclusions. However am I going to have to actually state my standards verbally because he is not getting these impolitely clearly. I want to say I want him to be happy but the feeling that he needs to be on tinder is a turn off and I hope I’m still around when he works out what he wants. Is jumping the gun a nail in the coffin for any new relationship ? Or do I take it as read that things have now changed and he is no longer who I thought he was ? By saying it bothers you are you ending it?

  24. UnluckyInLove says:

    This actually baffles me more. The guy i was seeing did all the above with the chasing… Was massively keen and was the one to always instigate our dates and doing things outside the bedroom. He was a gent to say the least. Made me feel like he could be the one. He suggested holidays he wanted us to go on, leaving his toothbrush at mine etcetera… Stuff you don’t say to a girl you’re JUST sleeping with. Anyway this all actually happened over the course of 2 weeks – which although could have been deemed ‘red flags’ I put down to him being super sweet and interested. I’m 30 and he is 36 with 2 daughters. At the end of the two weeks with no word of warning he ended it claiming he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ (could’ve fooled me pal) and has barely spoken to me since. Needless to say I am confused and hurt

  25. Kevin@CupidTools says:

    Maybe she is no longer his biggest fan

    In a nutshell, a man will not stay where he does not feel appreciated and will often gravitate towards a girl who they think is their biggest fan. If they marry such a girl but she later on starts fading out, they are likely to have an affair with someone else who will show them enough attention to make up for what they are missing from the current woman in their lives. We like being appreciated too and the men in our lives are no different. Try to be his biggest fan at all times and chances are that he will not want to lose you.

  26. Lovemusic says:

    Hey matt..
    I am in a situation right know that.. Ehm, dont know where to begin.
    The short version is that a (guy) friend of mine know eachother through some sport.
    And we are a group of friends who spent a Lot of time together, we have known eachother for Real in 2 months, and for a couple of days ago we where at a party together. We had our moments where we were about to kiss but didn’t do it, later he said that it was because he was friends with my brother, and there was a Ground ruel to not go after friends siblings, but actuelly my friendship with him have abselutley nothing to do with my brother, anyways, i said that i thought the problem lies with when they where visiting eachothers houses, but they wherent that good friends, then a couple hours after that converstation we started hugging wery close like if u where about to kiss someone, and we where holding hands, but he Got so drunk the end of the Night and felt ill that he took of, That we could’nt arrange something new, and it has Been 3 days where i haven’t heard from him… So i have my doubts …. I REALLY need help to know what he is thinking and i so wanna be with him… We have an amazing time together and i know for sure he likes me bit i wanna handle the situation right.. I have done that till know i think.. Otherwise he would’n have take things further that knight..
    (Hope u understand my english writing is not the Best) hope to see u once

  27. Djam says:

    Here is my problem. Actually, the man i’ve a crash on is a very close friend. Things changed months ago between us. let’s say, we overstep the limits of friendship. But, after that, he just told me he don’t want to go any further and just wants to preserve our friedship. i agreed and go through the motions. But, the truth is, i’m in love with him. this is really hard, because he is calling me almost everyday, we still see each other very often, he’s really important in my life. Now, i just can’t play anymore. I know he wont change his mind, so i have to do what is best for me and eventually stop being his friend!! Eventhough, his friendship is so important to me. Do you think keeping out of his neighborhood is the best think to do?!! Thank you!!

  28. dee says:

    Went out for lunch with this guy before he left for a vacation and start on a new job. That was the first time getting to know him on a first date. After that, we have been in touch via on – and- off texting.

    I’m the first to initiate to text him. Recently,ask him out for dinner but he replied if time permits he will arrange when he is more settled on his job.

    Well, to sum up he’s an introvert and I’m not sure what I should do. Should I even invest my time on him?

  29. Linda says:

    Wow, this sounds like a copy/paste of my last dates with a guy – and I can’t believe it…He looks so great that I would never thought he might need a sexual validation, but he acted exactly as in the article…He seemed to “chase” me by texting, but when coming to actual dates, it was very difficult to find the good time…Then we would meet for an hour and he would rush somewhere…but then he would text me in a couple of days “Did you forget about me?”…He made it sound as if I am the difficult one, but in reality, he was the unavailable one…He told me he has a lot on his plate and works hard, and I made myself believe it, as I quite liked him, but then he would call me or text me for a date with a 2-hour notice or so and I refused to change my plans and run to see him in his free 30 min. slot. When I told him that I like him because he is smart he was disappointed and asked me if I do not find him attractive?! Well, it looks like he really needed some validation without real investment in anything with me…

  30. Haiho says:

    This post shows perfectly the dilemma I’m in – even tough I swapped the word guys with employers;)
    Very similar dynamic, especially the ‘playing versus chasing’ part.
    In my case, juggling 3 jobs:
    – They all want me part time, but 100% ‘flexible’.
    – I get asked what I want a lot, but don’t get what I need.
    1 hasn’t walked his talk right from the start, didn’t get the hours promised = all in all not taking me seriously at all. Still waiting for that raise. Got my working schedule for the rest of may last weekend!
    2 is ‘my new one’, I like him, I have much better communication there. The only one who shows a little interest on how my life looks like, where my priorities are, and straight out giving me schedule in advance for sure! ..except for the salary.. after 2 weeks they don’t even have my bank account details yet.
    But I got some allies there. Chances for development. And some competition.
    3 is my ‘occasional fling’ over the internet, my ‘working assignment booty call’ short notice – he doesn’t care but pays the fastest.
    I’m constantly trying to find no.4, to stabilize my situation and mostly dump 1 and 3..
    So the dilemma is mostly that both sides have to know what they want, but then start from a completely different point and see how things grow.
    Don’t show all your cards vs. be honest.
    I’s obviously not easy to get a stable no.4 on the side if I can’t ‘stay centered’ and don’t know how my life’s gonna look like in a month or two!
    When I think about commitment or depending on one solely I wanna run.
    None of them wants me to depend on them exclusively.
    On the other hand every one of them, even though they know the business has this ‘oh she’s kind of flaky’ thought in the back of their mind.

    I think hat’s very true in relationships as well:
    I don’t wanna settle.
    If I did, and a new one sees what I had settled for in the past he’d go like ‘why did she settle for such a douche’?
    And: no one goes straight out for commitment and being serious from the start.
    (Don’t be stupid and believe everything you’re told.)
    Honestly I’d freak out if someone would.
    BUT: I don’t wanna be the one who never ‘goes for it’.
    ..Thnking about all that, having this whole ‘attracting and funneling’ in my working life and, honestly doing the same mistakes over and over again, like:
    Still not having learned to know and advocate my worth; negotiate from the start;have better options instead of being desperate; and even though I depend on it show the they need me too:
    I can already imagine the mess if I’d try to get more active in my love life right now.
    This would be too much chaos and stress and not ‘fun’, I don’t have the ego, logistics and strength for this..
    I wonder:
    If I know the status quo, how do I learn to change that to snap out of it versus trying to and not succeed and getting crushed by doing the same mistakes once again, which confirms my old crappy beliefs?
    Like how can I NOT get the ‘tunnel view’ by my current situation (that guy or that job), and instead keep my options open when I risk being a bit of ‘everywhere and nowhere really’?
    Because if I didn’t invest in every single one of them and look at it closely, that’s what would happen.
    If I ever get the hang of how this works I’ll be one lucky girl in every area:)

    Sorry for the comparison to a not related topic, but for me they really are, very much so.
    I really like that in this blog, people write from one sentence to very detailed long texts – everyone as he/she likes without judgement – chapeau and big shout out from Switzerland.

  31. Amanda says:

    Hello steve,
    I have a question that goes along with this article. I am talking to this guy for 2 almost 3 months now. He is amazing and shows me a lot of attention over calls and texting. I live 3 hours away from him but moving closer in the next couple months but I keep trying to make plans with him but he keeps coming up with excuses why he cant. He recently told me that he wants to wait tell I move down there before we hang out. We did go on one date though and we both had a lot of fun. I am completely confused. He acts like he likes me he is very attentive when it comes to texting and calling but if he wanted me wouldnt he want to see me?

    • Amanda says:

      in the texts he sends he tells me how much he enjoys talking to me and how much he wants to be with me and how much he cant wait tell i move down there so he can see me. Then when i make plans to go down to that area he always has excuses why he cant see me from he doesnt want to stay in a hotel to he doesnt like to feel rushed to he wants to wait tell I move down there before we hang out again. But he got upset last time i can down to that area and hang out with some friends and didnt come see him before i left.

  32. kia says:

    Dearest Steve,

    HELP! Matty’s tricks won’t work on me!
    I started to apply tricks and tips from Matt for my coworker that I like at work but it wasn’t as smooth as Matt shared on youtube >.< Must be because people react in different ways

    There’s this guy I fancy at my new job. The first 2 months we were completely a stranger. Since I’m new, I was friendly and greeted every staff at work, and this guy rarely greeted or smiled back. So I got annoyed by his cockiness ignored him since then. (At some point I thought he’s gay and hate women)

    One day during lunch time at canteen I sat alone next to him by accident because other tables were full. We got to know each other, he smiled (for the first time!), we had background similarities like living in same cities, etc. Next (not in daily order), he would sit beside me during lunch. I gave him compliment because he got nice review on TripAdvisor (Matt’s trick) and he liked it. He asked me to pass by his office to show him that review when I have time. He offered me help with something when I was in trouble (I can’t go to work because I live far and on that day there was no public transportation). I invited him to go to a BAR with other colleagues and I said YOU SHOULD COME (Matt’s trick) and he said yeah why not (not happening yet, still planning the time). I invited him for my favorite coffee after work but he said he couldn’t because he wanted to sleep and said we could go one day though. I also look for signs that he might fancy me from Matt’s POV such as, he got close to me physically, start touching/poking me, caress my hair, asking questions with value and not just what’s up?, smiling, joking, and he remembered small details about me through regular conversation like the area where I lived and my favorite coffee shop.

    I tried to find out if he is into women or single by flirting Matty’s way. His traits are not the kind of person who smiles a lot or talkative to stranger like the Americans or English, he is more direct, but when he knew the person like after he knew me, he acts more friendly. I think he’s not gay (I emphasize this because I live in Gay-friendly country) but his response is not strong enough or so slow. He never asked me to hang out. And it’s been 3 weeks since we first talk.

    Should I ask him out again and keep flirting? (I will for the BAR because it was still on the schedule)

    Thanks very much for reading my comments,
    Kind regards

    • Nata says:

      did you ask him if he’s in a relationship?

    • Cathy says:

      I think you were doing too many initiatives, like asked him out to party & coffee, that might 1) scared him away 2) didnt find you special

      Matt’s tricks needa be applied strategically. I guess girls at first just can be ‘more friendly & welcoming’ to give him signs you are available for a date, but never take the initiative to ask him out first.

  33. Cel says:

    Thanks for answering everyone’s questions Stephen! It’s therapeutic to read other female issues on this topic and know that we are not alone :)
    What if a guy texts you saying he wants to see you and hang out but that the ‘ball is in your court’ to plan something?! Is that laziness on his part? Should the women meet him half way and plan something?
    Would also love to see an article on how to have the ‘exclusive are we or aren’t we bf and gf’ convo without scaring anyone away/changing the dynamics of the ‘relationship’ :)

  34. cdog says:

    I relate. PROBLEM IS, I’m already invested so how do I distance myself? I spend way too much time contemplating why the guy I am seeing is being the biggest retard.
    This guy I was seeing at the beginning of the year is constantly sending me mixed signals. We were canoodling and talking every night and he asked me to be his valentines and then when I said yes said he was busy hahaha, talk about confusing? Anyway, after a party he cut me out with no explanation and when I asked if something was different he frantically reassured me nothing has changed and apologized but continued to ignore me. I eventually realised I needed to move on even though I didn’t get the explanation I wanted and I did but then a few weeks ago he decided he wanted to patch things up with me and I made the mistake of letting him back in thinking he had changed and he is just doing the same things. We are hooking up but He never texts me, he doesn’t flirt with me ever, he is so boring, he doesn’t laugh at my jokes anymore. We both wanted something casual but I need a bit more than what he is giving me. I just can’t think of how to get of out of this, this time? because whenever I say what I think he takes it the wrong way. Help.

  35. Megan says:

    Hi Stepen & Matthew!

    I am really confused and struggle now, would really love to have ur advice! Hope the msg is not too overwhelming!

    I met this guy for like 3 weeks now, the cocumstance we met was not great, he was clearly drunk and I just briefly talked to him a bit then got back to my friends on a Friday night out. That night when I left with my friends, I saw him with a lady, holding her clutch bag and waiting for taxi, but they were not holding hands not having body contact. At that point I judged him and thought he was one of those guys that go out on Friday night and try get laid with whoever he can get. Anyway I found it quite hilarious so I smiled at him and he smiled back, but bit awkward according to my friends.

    Next day he tst me, but I didn’t reply bc I don’t want to get involved with those guys. Then the day after he called me twice. Guess he is really confident and persistent, he said the girl I saw was one of his drunk friends and he has to take care of her. I did meet his big groups of lady friends but can’t confirm if it is true or not. I got intrigued as guys don’t call, so I felt there is no harm to meet up. I went out with him for a Sunday afternoon juice for an hour, it was better to talk in daytime.
    After we went out for like 2 or 3 times. It’s actually better than I expected and he seemed making effort and arranging different things to do together, we go motobiking, dinner, breakfast. He is 45, I never date these kind of mature guy as I am 28 and those guys approach me are around my age. I guess he is chasing right, and I wanna get to understand his intention and why he is not married yet. He actually has this really specific and long list about the women he wanna go out with, no smoking, no tatto, elegent, well maintanence, very specific. He certainly evaluates me all the time and said I actually passed the test for those.

    Last Sunday we was supposed to go to the beach but the weather was not good so we went to his place. It was not my intention to sleep with him at that stage as I still wanna see how far we can develop the emotion connection. But he is really pushing and not really listening to me that we can try another time. At that point my gut is telling me he is not really care about my feeling. After that we went out for lunch, bumped into his friends. I was thinking if he is only after sex we don’t need to go for lunch and coffee right? I got upset about what happened although we did just sleep together and I was not saying it’s good or not, just generally its not how it should happen in my mind. I did confront with him saying my feeling. He was more like register my thought but didn’t really response to it and just said thank you for telling him that. That was some silence as we both didn’t talk like 2 minutes.
    We carried on the conversation after and just chit chat about family, he showed me his family’s photos. He said he normally don’t do dating or boyfriend girlfriend stuff, but he makes exception, who know what that means.
    He must feel I am such a difficult lady to deal with from the last date, maybe I stepped on many deal breakers, like accusing him to force for sex, putting too much pressure for asking if he doesn’t do dating what r we doing there.
    I was starting to attach to him but not just yet fall for him. Now he didn’t contact me for two days now, normally he will arrange out next meet up while we were together but last time he was just saying see u around.
    I get that he is not really for me bc I ned someone who is care and gentle, but I really wanna learn from the experience so I won’t make the same mistake next time when I meet a great guy that I want. Should I hide my feeling and wait after the guy fall for me first then confront my feeling or show my imperfections? should we ladies pretend we don’t care about his intention whether it for casual dating or just a fling thing, and go with the flow an see how things develop first? once the guy makes up his mind that we might not be for him, should we to make effort and contact him instead of running away every time things aren’t going smooth? Isn’t it true that it ask for making effort as well as compromising between two people?
    I am really confused and not sure if I wanna contact this guy again. And more important wanna know what should I learn if I walk away from this. At the end of the day, the least thing I want is repeating mistakes every single time. Thank u so much for ur patience to read it though and appreciate for ur advice!
    P.s. I was trying to buy the online program and it could only go through PayPal? can’t I just pay via credit card?

    Thanks sooooo much!!!!!!

  36. Theresa says:

    This is an eye opener, Stephen. Simple and yet so true. Come to think of it, there’s really nothing to mull over. If the guy isn’t chasing and/or investing, one shouldn’t waste time over that guy.

  37. Lauren says:

    Hey Stephen! So are men generally turned off by a girl who is a virgin? And is it something that should be brought up? Thanks for all you put in this blog, so appreciate your wonderful insights :)

  38. Marte says:

    What do guys in general/you, find most attractive in girls? Both on looks and personality.

    Love your posts, have a nice day.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Marte,

      As far as looks go, I’ve read in various places that universal traits for guys are: fit/toned and healthy body shape, a good smile and teeth, nice skin, general grooming, not having too much make-up (i.e. somewhat natural looking, even with cosmetics). Some studies also say that lots of men are attracted to long hair on a woman because it signals femininity, but the jury is out on how subjective hair length is for guys. Of course with looks, we are always dealing with what *generally* men like – there will always be outliers and exceptions.

      Apart from that I think taste in looks vary greatly. Some men love pale-skinned redheads, others go crazy for dark-skin and brown eyes. Some men are picky about a certain minimum size for a woman’s breasts and bum, others prefer very skinny petit women.

      Personality wise? – Check out one of my previous posts on traits men love: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/what-really-matters-to-men/

      Hope that helps!


      • Marte says:

        Thank you so much for replying! I want to thank you for putting the time, and effort into answering me, it means a lot. I hope you are proud of what you have achieved, you sure have reason to. Keep up the good work.

  39. Donna says:

    OMG well said. I love your articles Steve

  40. Rukia says:

    That is the story of my life – men who show attention but do not take it any further. But when I was thinking about it I realized that I was choosing such men on a subconscious level because I preffered the relationship in Neverland. If there was a guy who was genuinly chasing me I rejected him right away. He was a danger I would rather live in my fantasy that the ‘player’ type would finally make a move and in the meantime I was daydreaming about how good the relationship would be and so on. It was out of fear and other reasons I would not mention here.
    More and more I am convinced that we only get what we are searching for and when there is a conflict between what we want consciously and subconsciously the subconscious side wins and thats why we end up miserable.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      That’s really interesting Rukia, it’s a good thing you’ve noticed that pattern in your own behaviour and I commend you for the self-awareness it takes to realise how you are making your own choices with the guys you date in the first place.

      Hope you give men other than the “player type” a chance from now on! :)

  41. Lama says:

    Hi Steven,
    I have this close friend who keeps investing in me and he gives me all his time talks to me for hours and do really great things. Lately he told me that he loves me a couple of times, I wasn’t sure what he really meant so I just took it as a friend and I were really afraid to bring the subject up. But then after a while I started having feelings for him so I told him I need some space to deal with my feelings he said that he doesn’t want a relationship and he loves me in his own way, and it wasn’t the right time for this to happen. He started begging not to go away from him and crying and chasing me for a whole week, and when he saw me he started kissing my hands and my forehead and hugging me. I tried to be distant but he always texted me and sent me love songs but he still didn’t want a relationship.. What’s strong Steven with this guy? Please I really need an advice. I’m so attached to him I am not being able to cut him out of my life but at the same time I can’t be around him with these strong feelings. It’s like I’m in constant pain both ways.. What should I do? I’m feeling very weak.. Please any advice ?

    • Lama says:


    • Stephen Hussey says:

      If he says he doesn’t want a relationship just take him at his word and begin to distance yourself from his life. It doesn’t have to be an immediate cut-off, just gradually phase him out and spend less time with him. Maybe even don’t spend any alone time together so you don’t develop even stronger attachment to him. Even if he says sweet things to you, if he tells you he’s not interested in being with you seriously you will only hurt yourself by getting more and more involved.

      Show him (and yourself) and that you have the self-respect and strength to move on unless he actually steps up and wants something serious.

      All best,

      Stephen x

  42. elle says:

    Hi Steven, what if he started showing signs of being serious, you moved in togather as house mates, were stressed out and afraid of reciprocating constant expression of interest because you were afraid he was a player and because you felt things were going so fast; he then felt that you werent interested and felt rejected and now, you have moved out and the guy no longer wants to remain in contact. Can it be salvaged? Is it still the case that he needs to do the chase again? :(…. ( ARRGH , help!)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      If he no longer wants contact, then I’d be inclined to leave it there. You don’t want to ever be chasing someone who has no desire to even be talking anymore. It sounds like the guy might be quite impulsive, which could mean he changes his mind constantly and would likely cause problems in a relationship anyway.

      • elle says:

        Thanks Steven, this makes a lot of sense. Also, you’re completely right, he is very impulsive and has several narcissistic tendencies. I guess being an ENFP I just hate when things don’t work out but I take your point,I’m going to have to let this one go. Thank you so much for your time you gus are doing such an amazing job. THANK YOU :) XX elle

  43. Anna calcagno says:

    Hi Matthew,
    My friend and I have been living in London for a while. She’s spanish and I am italian. How do we get british men to come talk to us in pubs or clubs? We are def not used to make the first move as in our countries, women just wait for men to come talk to Them. Plus british guys seem to be intimated by us for some reason. We are very out going and fun, def not the kind of girls you should feel scared to approach. How should we approach them or make them approach us?
    Thank you very much for reading this, hope you can help us
    Take care

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Check out Matt’s video on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM6gjM2N64c

      Plus there’s a ton of approaches in the GTG book if you don’t have it already!

      British guys can be more reserved, particularly compared to Spanish and Italian men. Generally it helps if you follow Matt’s white handkerchief approach and just give the guy a very subtle opening or a signal that it’s ok for him to talk to you. After that he’ll make a lot of the effort for you if he’s interested.

  44. Anika says:

    Hi. This is still very confusing for me.
    I think that he’s chasing me but I’m Not sure. We meet together and we cuddle, we hold hands and Kiss and we sleep together in the same bed (without having Sex). My last relationship was 1,5 years ago and it was with domestic violence and he ended his very unhealthy relationship about 2 months ago… I believe that he needs time but I am Not sure about it. (Btw I am 25 and he is 37)
    I don’t want to ask right away “are we a couple Or Not” because I don’t believe that is very wise…
    It is so complicated and frustrating. =(

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Anika,

      I feel your uncertainty. Guys sometimes can enjoy just being affectionate and cuddling with a woman even if they aren’t sure whether they really want a relationship or not. My guess is if he’s not bringing it up at all, then it’s ether too early for him (since his last relationship only ended 2 months ago), or he just sees you as someone who makes him feel good but that he doesn’t want to see seriously at this stage in his life.

      Look for signs that he wants to invest more time in seeing you (outside the bedroom), and see if he talks about integrating you more into his life, i.e. meeting his friends, bringing you into his world.

      Don’t afraid to ask him casually if he sees this going anywhere. If he’s cagey when he answers or says “i’m just having fun” that’s probably a sign that a relationship is not on his mind, and you may then want to think about not getting emotionally involved to save getting hurt later down the road.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Steve x

  45. Cathy says:

    Awesome article, Stephen! Very helpful for understanding men’s behavior. And yes, I am guilty of over-analyzing every text. Lol

  46. nabila says:

    Thank you, i honestely needed to read this :) thanks a lot

  47. kish says:

    100% Co-sign.

    In the past, whenever a guy has been seriously interested, there has not been any doubt on his part about his interest or pursuing. So we should let go of anyone who doesn’t meet the bar.

    I have had many guys pull this on me–for various reasons, validation probably being one of common ones. This used to leave me confused and frustrated and if I liked the guy–disappointed, despite having past examples of sincere interest from guys.

    But now I just assume a guy isn’t serious until he shows me and some guys have left good examples in the past for me to know what that looks like.

    Dating is like Tango. He leads, you follow. He makes a move and then you make a move. You don’t do anything until he gives you the signal. Your job is to pay attention in the present moment at all times. You dance the whole dance but one step at a time. You have to be centered yourself, do your own thing, remain connected to your partner, yet unattached.Chaos ensues if the connection is broken. You are free to leave when the song is over.

    Works like a charm.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hey kish,

      Haha I like your Tango analogy. I’m not sure if it’s so much that the guy leads, but you are right that it’s definitely a dance where you always react based on the moves someone else makes, rather than just constantly moving toward them.

      Thanks for the comment!

      Steve x

      • Louise says:

        Thank you both, Kish and Stephen ♥
        I know I’m getting anxious when he doesn’t text, but it’s all in my mind (the fears). I’ll let him be, while living my life. Hope for the best and expect the worst. I just pray he’s not waiting for me to make any move, it wouldn’t be logical according to men’s mind, right? So far he shows every sign of chasing ♥ he’s awesome, but he won’t be MY awesome guy if he doesn’t invest or treat me well :) [I do have the book ;)]

  48. Annie says:

    I was dating a guy who started off great. He did all the real chasing. Real dates, texts, and he seemed super interested, and then out of nowhere it took him forever to reply to my texts, no plans, and just super cold to me out of the blue, ignored my bday…
    Why do some guys do that? It seemed like the chasing was over out of nowhere, and it left me a very confused and upset. When I finally confronted him he dumped me (via text! Yay ^_^) because “he didn’t want a gf at the moment.” His texts were so cold and unapologetic too. Never a single “I’m sorry but…” Just an overall ass.

    It was so confusing because I never really invest in guys who don’t show true interest. But then what do you when out of the blue they change their mind. This was the biggest mindf*ck ever. It was a year ago but I still think about it because it had never happened to me. Like, what the hell??

    • lulu says:

      I just sent an email to a guy I’ve been struggling with better say and ended it. The exact issues that it was mentioned in this article.. I had given him a second chance after he disappeared two years ago, but this time i let him come to me, he chased me, he lives in NYC so he flew me out there, just because he wanted to see me soon!! And then slowly he started to be busy, he still was messaging and calling, and coming to see me, but then he started to say, he’s not sure what date is good for this month for me to go, or he would answer my messages a day later. The worst part is every time I tried to get the truth out of hi and I was so cool and confident about it, and said I’m ok if you wanna be casual, he would say no, it’s just hard long distance.. so finally after this week, when he ignored my messages for few days, I sent the email. And now hoping he would leave me alone without any bad words. I told him I was looking for a guy that intends to date me properly and get serious in the future, and this casual thing is not for me and wish him best of luck. I am going through a pain of what did I do wrong, what could have done better, and constantly editing my behaviour in the last few months. But my dear, we are all in the same boat. And Steven is right, the thing is it has nothing to do with us, it’s their thing and whatever they have going on. It took me a long time to get this: IT IS NOT PERSONAL. I was totally a different person than I was two years ago with this guy, and he behaved the same. Stop editing yourself and stop questioning yourself. Does not matter what his intentions were or why he did what he did, what matter is, we should be true to what we want and respect ourselves enough to follow our hearts, instead of keep ignoring what tells us. I kept telling myself, i don’t trust this guy, but I still gave one more chance after another..
      Be well, as Matt says there isa guy out there waiting to make you happy.
      Think about him instead..

    • Emily says:

      Annie, I can’t tell you *why* he did that, but I can tell you that you’re not alone! This has happened to me and to many of my girlfriends (and probably to a lot of people who read this blog), more than once. The first time it happened to me, it was a mindf*ck, as you say; you take things at face value and don’t expect to be treated in a way that’s so divergent from the way you were treated initially. So you figure there must be a reason, and you worry that the reason has to do with you, like, did you do something wrong? But the answer is that even if it was something to do with you, the grown-up thing for him to have done would have been to communicate with you about it somehow, rather than just throw you over with no warning. Whatever is going on with this guy, it almost definitely has nothing (significant) to do with you–as lulu says, it’s not personal. Maybe he didn’t know what he wanted, or he changed his mind, or something else came up and he was too chicken to be honest about it, or he hasn’t figured out the difference between fantasy and reality. But if he were a person worth losing sleep over, he would’ve treated you with more respect.

      It sucks to go through this, but take heart! It won’t happen with every guy. The crappy thing is that it may happen again, but the good thing is that the more it does, the more practice you will get at getting over it. ;)

      My best suggestion to you is to approach new opportunities with open eyes but also an open heart. If the guy is on the level, you want to make the most of the opportunity. And if he’s out to lunch, and things go badly for you, take comfort from the fact that you tried your best, try not to let it get to you, and move on as soon as you can. Good luck!

    • candice says:

      Annie, he most possibly reconnected with someone from his past or he met someone else. You two didn’t agree to be exclusive. Of course he wouldn’t be apologetic because he didn’t break any promises. You assumed that you were together and you behaved like if you were in a relationship. He perceived it that you were some crazy woman and he dumped you straight away.
      I had a similar thing happening to me. I was flirting for more than three months with someone and then we dated for a while. He lied to me that he wanted love but after sex he served me with the “I don’t want a gf at the moment. I still have feelings for my ex”.
      It’s not right. It sucks having someone telling you these things. All you can do is assume you are not exclusive or not in a relationship until you have the talk.
      On one hand this is exhausting. On the other you get a free pass too to flirt and sleep with as many guys as you want.
      If you were flirting with other guys you wouldn’t even had noticed that he pulled away.

    • kish says:

      I am sorry to read about your experience. That sucks. But like others have pointed out, it is not uncommon. Guys have disappeared on me too. I just didn’t all that invested in them.

      But you see, a guy can always change his mind for a myriad of reasons which are not worth dwelling over. You can never really know what is going on with someone and even if they tell you–it might be just some BS or sugarcoated lie. You might not even learn anything useful from it to improve yourself. So what is the point?

      Yes, the honorable thing to do is to be honest and clear but many people aren’t like that. We can hardly expect any explanation from others if no formal commitment has been made. And even then, people do get dumped out of the blue without any explanation.

      The only thing we can do is stay in the present and always know in the back of our mind, the possibility that this guy, however sweet and serious, can do an about turn anytime. Even after marriage.
      It doesn’t mean it would always happen but it CAN. Anything can happen. Who knows if either you or I will be alive tomorrow? There are no guarantees in life.

      All we can do is take every interaction as an end in itself and be happy with that. Not expecting things to work out a certain way, or people to behave a certain way, building castles in the air and dreaming of the future are ways to minimize hurt if not eliminate it. This will set you free. It is difficult to do but it comes with practice.

    • Annie says:

      Thanks for your replies, everyone! That is awfully sweet of you all. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I guess this is why dating is hard. You just never know what can happen. You try your best and you still get unexpected results. I wish it wasn’t this complicated, but like my friend and I always say, the most reasonable explanation is always “maybe he’s just not that into you.” No point going crazy I guess.

      Again, thanks everybody for your advice and encouragement <3.

      • Stephen Hussey says:

        Hi Annie,

        Sorry I’m late to the party with this comment, but it looks like the previous excellent commenters answered your question for you!

        I agree that it just doesn’t pay to ask “Why?” forever when it comes to other people’s behaviour. Eventually that becomes a dead-end and doesn’t really solve the immediate pain anyway.

        The fact is, it just could be *any* reason:

        (1) Maybe he did reconnect with an ex (as the previous response suggests) – this happens quite often
        (2) Maybe he changed his mind
        (3) Maybe he just had a big relationship and really needs time off from getting emotionally involved
        (4) Maybe he’s moving country in 3 weeks and doesn’t see the point
        (5) Maybe he’s an asshole

        I could make this list infinite, and that’s really why in my experience it’s so fruitless to sit and understand everyone else’s behaviour. It tends to take focus off of what we need to do next. As long as we react in a way that is true to our own values and that allows us to move onto bigger and better things, then we really don’t have to worry what other people’s motives are.

        It sounds like you have a great attitude and I’m sure you’re ready to find someone who actually wants you enough to show you the respect you deserve. Hope Matt and I can help in any we can!

        All the best,

        Steve x

        • Annie says:

          Hey Steve! Something told me to read this great article again, and here is your reply! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You and your brother have definitely helped me a lot with all your useful advice. I’ll try to not obsess again next time with the “whys” and I’ll try to get over it faster, because the reason why it took me a bit to move on was that I didn’t understand what happened. No point in asking so many questions, because I’ll never know. But I stayed confused and it took me a LONG time to get over it. Though at times I’m still like “wtf did I do??”

          Getting mixed signals also sucks, so if he’s sending mixed signals RED FLAG, don’t invest. Best to keep our options open. Thanks again! and you know what, maybe you should write a post on mixed signals, red flags, what to look for, maybe? :). Because I only focused on the happy signals: they way he looked at me, how much he told me I was his type, his sweet texts, the good time we had in general, the attraction. And maybe I missed other stuff until it was too late.

          Thanks again <3

  49. anon says:

    Stephen this all resonates with me, especially the bit where you said that he is chasing you when “He wants to get to know you rather than just sleep with you.” HOWEVER, it was the opposite of that for me in that the guy I fancied when I was 21 was definately PLAYING me because – he just wanted to sleep with me & didn’t give me the impression he wanted to get to know me. He didn’t make me feel that HE RECOGNISED/WAS TREATING ME like I was a person with feelings.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Yep, that’s a definite warning sign that a guy is just out for fun. Good thing you realised it and acted accordingly!


      Steve x

  50. Darla says:

    Light bulb! Thank you! Stephen ;)

  51. Vikki says:

    Last year I dated a guy a few times we definitely had chemistry things did go physical but he fell off map after a while , he’s self employed has a high stress job (all very genuine) recently he’s reappeared we arranged to meet work rose it’s head again, he was hugely apologetic, wanted to take me away to make up for it, and a bit of planning we managed it, had a great time :) hes talked future plans which is great I’m hoping it goes the distance this time as he has definitely chased more than he’s done before :)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Sounds good Vikki – sometimes when a guy makes an excuse it *is* actually valid lol

      Thanks for your comment,

      Steve x

  52. Rocío says:

    I’ve really needed to read this words, thank you Stephen!

    Lately a guy came into my life and things seemed to be going forward…for a while. But suddenly he has being aloof. I’ve waited to see if it was temporary (we had “conversational chemistry”), but no.

    Normally I blame myself and think if it was something I said or that I am and these insecurities come to me…but you make me wonder. Perhaps it had something to do with him and his world, not mine.

    I’ll let go, and also as Stamateas says: What others say or do to you has nothing to do with you, unless you let them ;)

    Thank you! Great article!

  53. Beth says:

    This is great advice as always. One thing I have learned over the years if someone doesn’t show interest or only makes you an option walk away its not worth the effort!

  54. jeri says:

    I love this reminder. I would really like to read more about how we develop feelings from just thinking about a man too much. How that is investing, and what are other ways we fall into investing without realizing.

  55. Cheryl says:

    Excellent article. I met a guy on Tinder in Feb and we message most evenings. He works and has had builders in at home so has also been busy during his own time. He has said he would cook me a meal when it is all finished and once all the work is complete he will be free. I have only seen him twice. Other times he has offered to come over late in the evening and I have said no. He has both my mobile and landline numbers but he has still not given me his mobile number but instead given me an excuse, and never called me. I am not waiting around for him and have already made arrangement to meet up with some new guys. The next time we meet I will have a heart to heart conversation with him to find out exactly what it is he is looking for etc. I am trying to build the relationship slowly and have explained why to him but in his messages he is trying to move things along more quickly.

    • Vavavoom says:

      Are you sure tinder is made for slowly-getting-to-know-each other-relationship searching?

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Sounds like you are taking the right approach Cheryl. Unless he shows signs of investment, you should keep pursuing other options and maintain your own life separately from the guy.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts,

      Steve x

      • Cheryl says:

        Thank you for your reply Steve. I still have only had the two meetings with him and he says I have rules and should just go with the flow. I have said I would like some courtship of which there has been none so far. I am not sure what I should be saying to him anymore as I have said I would like to build the relationship, and how can we ever have a relationship if we never meet. Also said there has to be meaning to it for it to go anywhere and actions speak louder than words. He agrees with all of this but does not see me because I will not go with the flow. We have kissed and cuddled so far. Any help on this will be appreciated, thank you.

  56. Shawnna Stiver says:

    Stephen – In one of Matthew’s Love Life radio segments he talks about being a “salesman” when it comes to an approach with guys who have said it’s not the right time in their life. Can you compare/contrast what you’re saying here with that segment since some of the information seems to contradict? I take Matthew’s point to be that it’s ok to remain on friendly terms with a guy who has been upfront about it not being the right time, while also pursuing other guys and/or areas of my social life remaining active. But this article suggests not wasting any time? Perhaps we are talking about two very different types of guys ;) I know it’s hard to make a blanket statement that appeals to all people in general but I’m in this very situation right now at the moment and I’m wondering whether you could help clear up the confusion? Thanks! :)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      I don’t think what I’m saying here contradicts Matthew’s point about not being a “salesman”. I think it reinforces it. Neither Matt or I are saying that you have to just immediately cut a guy off for not wanting something serious, unless of course, you think cutting him off is the only way you can prevent yourself getting emotionally invested in him to the point where you’re now hung up on this guy and waiting for him to change his mind, which is a very bad position to be in.

      The point just that you relegate him to a very minor part of your life (if he says he “doesn’t want anything serious” or he “just wants fun”). Maybe you occasionally text, but you don’t worry about getting back to him. Maybe you’re friendly if you bump into him at a party, but you don’t bother when he asks you to come over to his place late at night.

      If he shows signs of really wanting to take you seriously i.e. actual dates, or he spends time trying to get to know you, you can adjust your investment accordingly. You just gauge his own actions and react accordingly.

      Like I said though, sometimes cutting him off is the easiest option if you sense the guy is a total game-player or someone who will just leave you in constant confusion.

      Hope that helps!

      Stephen x

  57. Tammy says:

    Thank you for another great article! Such timely advice!

  58. Kathryn says:

    It’s a good question Stephen and one you ask yourself why you ever did when you are lovely and intelligent, and a long time follower of your advice.
    It is crazy to take a chance with your heart, even more stupid to hand it over. The way to a broken heart.
    You do deliver such great advice, a very good article again!

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Really kind of you to say Kathryn, thanks. And unfortunately it happens to everyone at points – none of us, however wise, are immune to pursuing people who are bad for us in the long-term!

      Steve x

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