The Myth Of The “Intimidating Woman”

“Men just want a submissive girlfriend. They feel threatened by a woman who is too independent and successful…”

Yes, that might make some insecure guys run a mile, but not nearly as often as people think.  

Here are the 3 real reasons he’s pulling away

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46 Responses to The Myth Of The “Intimidating Woman”

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  1. Emmy says:

    You are sooo great! I can’t believe anyone could leave you angry comments! Thank you so much for your inspiration

  2. Shenice says:

    Interested in this

  3. asal says:


  4. Bethany says:

    Thank you! I’m going to send this video to my Mother! She is always on my case about my ‘single status’. She also assumes that the cause must be because I intimidate men. Or that I am too picky. I am passionate about my life and my career, I’m not going to dumb it down. Thank you for decoding this ‘response.’

  5. Carolyn says:

    Hi, Matt,
    I hear you talk about you’re helping women to connect with the ‘guy’ (Mr right/guy of their dreams/partner)… but can you teach me how to be at ease, with a man?
    A man I want to be with, his partner and vice-versa.

    How do we as women, feel at ease, meaning the motion is true and the words are honest and the feeling is stable to have a “unique pairing” as you’ve said, in a guy that we meet or have already met?

    If this confuses you then, maybe think of what I am saying as this; when you’re at your most peace and quiet alone, but happy, you’ve done your best, you strive to see more and you’re just that smart to have the guy by your side, with ease,
    but not really.

  6. Amanda says:

    I love this….someone is going to see you again because of how you make them feel. Spot on! A good reminder.

  7. Meredith says:

    As someone who’s been told they’re intimidating, I find a sizeable amount of truth in Matthew’s advice – sometimes leaning forward and LISTENING goes so much farther than just rattling on about my last adventures. With one major exception – if the guy himself is boring, not the sharpest tool in the shed or unaccomplished. Then their comment about me being intimidating is coming from own sense of insecurity about being… MEH, and then that’s someone I really could care less about intimating. The trick is to figure out the difference of quality.

  8. Sabrina says:


    I have read some of your articles thank you; I have gained so much clarity, however I’m really tired of having to jump through hoops and if I say or do the wrong thing I’m banished back to the lonely girls committee huddling blaming myself for saying the wrong prepositional phrase. Which is not fair . Men see our desperation and it’s hammer time all over our hearts. Don’t they know what to do ? Why do we have to coerce them ? Please help Bri

  9. Teri Hontas says:

    YOU are bulking up and look fantastic. …still sound fantastic as well. Thanks for the videos.

  10. Sarah says:

    I just wonder why it’s all focused on making sure the man stays, why he leaves etc. I understand that many have been empowered by these messages, but all it does for me is confirm that men (even “good men”) are driven by looks and having their ego soothed. I admit I am hopeless, if someone is attracted to me, he often is emotionally damaged… To the point that were anyone to express interest, my first reaction would be, “what’s wrong with him?” I would genuinely love a partner, yet after the ghosting and hopelessness of online dating, my cynicism has been reconfirmed time and time again… I am tired of needing to have tricks to get him interested, phrases to peak his interest etc., do men not enjoy engaging conversations on a variety of subjects with a cheeky smattering of flirtatiousness thrown in?

  11. kobbs says:

    The only people who say, “You probably intimidate men” are other women. I suppose they think it’s a complimentary way of justifying why I’m single at 37.

  12. Stéphanie Wilbur says:

    Direct. Short and sweet and dense like a great energy ball. I like it! We need a balance between sharing and listening, being curious and interested in the other and open to telling the other about ourselves. I agree it’s about feeling good, feeling seen, and connection goes both ways.

  13. Susan says:

    Hi Matt,

    This video is great, because it summarizes everything what is important in social life, not only dating men.

    Thanks a lot!


  14. Melanie Daub says:

    Hey Matt. One question: What if the other person gets the same advice?
    In a lot of tips you put the focus completely on the other person but how WE feel is sometimes left out. Don’t WE also have the urge to feel good around someone by expressing us? I don’t think it’s always our task to make the man feel good but as well keep thinking about ourselves. If think the guy is constantly talking about himself it should also be our time to interrupt him and talk about us. Strange situation but I had that. It doesn’t make US feel good either to just listen and listen ;) Have a boyfriend now but keep reading your stuff. Greetings from Germany

    • Rebeckah says:

      The answer, Melanie, is, OF COURSE, we want to feel good. We want to feel like we’re interesting and putting in value into the conversation.
      Matt doesn’t ask us or imply that we lay back like a limp fish, and Just listen- we play the ‘basketball’ game of conversation too.
      We shouldn’t walk all over people in conversation, focusing solely on ourselves, as the man in your scenario does, AND we should reject that type of narcissistic behavior in the men we date.

  15. Miss P says:

    Matthew – do crackers come with that CHEESE. Geeze.

  16. Mandy K. says:

    Thank you. Sometimes we need, correction I need a reminder to get the heck out of my own way.
    Its like that bit with Ancient One in Doctor Strange: “Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all. – Its not about you.”
    Note to self: Reminder: sometimes, let him do the talking, and really listen – don’t just hear while trying to think of the next clever thing to reply with.”

  17. AlexWPG says:

    Matt, he broke my heart! I’ve been following the 21 day no contact rule, and even sent a sweet short good bye letter. He replied within seconds (after over 4 days of no contact whatsoever). Is like he didn’t even think about it! I replied to his message, is that OK, did I make a huge mistake? HELP!!!

  18. Dee says:

    Great point, well put…OBVIOUSLY true. If you are not looking for a relationship for pragmatic reasons IE gold digger. Then you are there for the feeling. People don’t leave when they are emotionally fulfilled. That is unless there is something even more emotionally fulfilling somewhere else in their lives that you don’t know about and that also happens all the time. Great post Matt. Thanks, Dee

  19. Naty says:

    I totally agree with what you’re saying! U are the best!

  20. Sophie says:

    What about when he said you came on too strong & it was too much for him?

  21. Selene says:

    I’m 5′ tall and I’m intimidating, lol
    I speak with the wisdom of a dwarf…
    But I cuddle as baby bunny too.

  22. Gale Scaramuzza says:

    WOW!!!! Your advice gets better every time. (Or I become more aware with your advice every week). You are so laser sharp when it comes to seeing the human race. I feel you are talking to me. I do jump right in and talk about myself because deep down inside (I’m crying right now) I don’t feel good enough, so I have to let ‘them’ know by turning the conversation back to me. So I don’t attract into my experience a man that I feel is so interesting and smart and handsome and accomplished, because I would be devastated if he didn’t find me wonderful, too. I just realized this Right Now! I’m still crying. All I can say is, “Thank you Matthew. You do the most important work in the world. Because it’s stress that give us disease. So to nip it in the bud, it’s like you have the cure for cancer.” I Love your dedication. I know you get frustrated with us sometimes.

  23. Kim says:

    Hi Matt! I’ve been called intimidating more times than I can count (even though I’m friendly, approachable and non-judgmental!), and I think I fall into the category of making men think they’ll never be able to impress me.
    I do have an exciting life that I love (and I don’t think I “one up” or rub that in their face).

    How can I keep guys from running away without making myself smaller and being less exciting?

    • Nic says:

      Like you I have also been told that many times so although the info is good I feel there’s lots more to it than the video seems to indicate. I once had a guy say to my face that he “could never get a date with someone like me”. Like a red rag to a bull I replied “why is that” … it got me a stumbling, mumbled response!
      I think sometimes it’s not so much as considering us intimidating but out of their league, e.g more than what they think they deserve.
      P.S. I told this guy if he asked me out on a date i would go … and we did go on a date, where he spent most of the time talking about himself. I still regularly see him in the bar he frequents & years later he’s still single.

    • Jayde says:

      A worthy partner wouldn’t want you to diminish yourself but be the best you can be. Never make yourself smaller than him, otherwise you’ll end up with a little man.

  24. Ifeoma Aguanunu says:

    Hi Matthew!
    I hope this finds you well. I agree with some of what you’re saying. However, I have met men that tell me things like ‘you are so far ahead of me…what would could I possibly offer you in a relationship or wow you seem like such an amazing person but I don’t know what I would offer you in a relationship.’ In fact, I usually try to put off talking about myself and my accomplishments initially because I want them to give me a fair chance. Despite this I do get men that are not intimidated by what I’ve done. Besides I think I’m still fair from achieving my real goals in life and I feel there is so much I need to continue to improve on. Life in my eye is constant self-improvement and I wish that more of the men I met that are initimidated by me see that and understand we are all in the same bucket. Please let me know what you think.

  25. April doll says:

    Love the insight! Many of my girl friends say I am Very intimidating and I asked them why and they say just like you said got a great career got your own thing going on and it was so wonderful to see your insight on this I like to learn more ! Thank you!

  26. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Excellent advice….Look forward to the next video…Hugs! Thanks Matthew! ;) <3

  27. Tina says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Several months back I meet a really nice man through an online dating site. We went for coffee which went great and we message each other for a while but then he just stopped replying.
    Poof he was gone.

    Last month he contacted me asking for a second chance. We went to the movies, had a great time then a week later went out to dinner again great time. Each time he asked to see me again. We were supposed to see each other 2 weekend ago. Once the Friday we were making plans to go to the movies on saturday or sunday again. Saturday he message me telling me he forgot he had to drive his daughter somewhere. I reply no worries and that I spent time with friends. Once again POOF He’s gone, no longer replying to my messages.

    I’m Baffled..

  28. Sandra Skals says:

    This is good! I noticed too when I am doing acting for instance, when I can manage to give my scene partner more attention, and stop focusing on myself, how I look etc. but share love and interest. Wauw then we have the best scene, I feel better – everyone feels better.
    And it also makes me think a lot about my communication! What kind of pattern of my footprint I leave.
    Thanks for sharing. Good vibes from my direction to all of you!

  29. Maria says:

    Yippy I nail all 3, I can manage the great skill of achieving A B and C all in the same interaction, not something I’m proud of Know I’m doing it, get nervous and either shut up and say nothing or hit all three like a pro. Hard when I love my life, I get excited and passionate about it. Then when I manage to control myself and moderate conversation I get bored as I listen to a new date and they fail to ask me a single thing about me. If they then show interest I can’t reciprocate as I’m thinking you know nothing about me except I’ve asked you the right things and made you feel good so you want to see me again but you don’t know anything about me except my name. Guess I best keep practicing to try and find the happy medium.

  30. Grace Liu says:

    Such inspiring thoughts Matt!

    For all my adult dating life, I tried to downgrade my professional aspirations because I worried that will leave me alone and at the same time worrying I will have to settle with a man less competent than me. And now you have explained everything, and you are so right, these 3 points are exactly how I felt! Thank you for sharing this!

  31. Lilian MacMillan says:

    Very good points and good to have clarified. Especially the insecure people who talk non-stop bit. Fascinated by the ever moving shapes in the background. Was it light on trees outside or plastic blinds? Couldn’t say but beautiful effect to go with the statements.

  32. Maria says:

    I like the part of the video where ypu made it applicable to both men and women. You mnetioned something a while back and have done so repeatedly about keeping the mystery about yourself as a woman aluve, in so many words. It’s been my experience that men enjoy a little mystery as part of the chase. I know, for myself, that that’s part of the fun of getting to know someone…uncovering those layers of mystery, so to speak, over time. I should qualify this as HEALTHY mystery, not hiding the fact that you’re a hired assassin or that you’re jooked in heroine or something crazy. Being present, in the moment, and giving your full attention to someone, asking and answering questions if each other, conversations sprinkled with laughter, looks, witty banter, and light, well-timed/placed touches have been some of the most fun times I’ve had on dates.

  33. Nicole says:

    It makes sense Matthew but we can not be responsible for someone’s feelings. I can be the sane on two different dates and interested in their life but sometimes it is down to how someone eels about themselves deep down. Love your videos every week. Don’t stop x

    • Fabi says:

      I think that you can’t be responsible for how someone feel about themselves in their own lives but you can make them feel good around you because you just are a pleasant and interesting date. I believe that what Matt meant to say has to do with your feminine energy being transmitted rightfully.

  34. Barbara says:

    Yea.I like u, more I date other guys.I like a lot 1 guy but I advice him to go and conquer world and he is doing it right now I said to my ex to get another girl.He did so.Am I comanding?No,I advice them Im excellent advisor.Hope 1 day I ll be advidor2 one guy..the same…

  35. Wendy says:

    Hi, Matt. I love it when you debunk myths. You get passionate and edgy and deliver the smarts. Hmmm…actually, *you’re* intimidating which would mean that I’d be a nervous wreck around you unless you were charming enough that my self-esteem could rise so I didn’t find you intimidating as I felt better about myself – especially when I was with you. And perhaps this is a way that an accomplished and confident lady could enable the other guy to feel more comfortable when with her. Which is pretty much what you said only I amped it up a bit.

  36. Tumea says:

    Hey Matthew, you posted this video just in perfect time! ;)
    My friend and I were talking yesterday exactly about that! We were trying to analyze if & how indimidating we are to guys! Thanx for your sixth sense ;D

  37. Xenia says:

    Very well said! Guilty of C. It’s not that I’m doing it only with guys but with many other people. I very often ask them a question and then one more and in the middle I might speak about my own experiences with enthusiasm and eventually not get back to them again. I do this as a way of encouraging them to share more openly their thoughts but maybe I should change my way of doing it and focus my enthusiasm on hearing more about their experience rather than sharing mine.

  38. Janice says:

    I work 2 jobs – my 2nd job I work 5 nights a week.. I also have a yard, a house and in the summer a pool to take care of – which I do all by myself. Part of me wants to date but deep down I wonder when do I have time. I guess I come across as B.
    Sooo IF I ever do get another date I am going to remember what you said.
    Thanks again!

  39. Anette says:

    Great video as always Matt
    i think we are sometimes so focused on impressiving the other person that we subconsciously push the other person away, because we can’t focus on making them shine as you call it.

    I thi k it’s about our root insecurities, I did sort of the same with my ex BF once… I was teying to offer my help and skills with job hunting because he wanted another job. I did so by bragging about all my results and achievements. Never once did I say “I would love to use my knowledge and skills to get you the most amazing job, as two brains are better than one”…
    After we hung up I felt so stupid. So I called up again and said those above words to him. I told him how silly felt before and explained it would be a joy if I could put my skills to good use for his cause.

    Naturally this worked a lot better and two days after he sent the application he was invited to a job interview….

  40. Kellee Morris says:

    This is so right on, thanks for the reminders and also helps me know why with some men, I don’t feel special either because they often do this stuff too. Great insights, thanks Matthew!

  41. Virginia says:

    Mathew! You are so good!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Fantastico!!! Pithy, to the point, and so true!!!!

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