Is it okay to date younger men? How can you trust guys (in general) after an abusive situation? How do you not get emotionally attached too early? What to do with exes?
I’ve picked a mixed bag of questions from the blog and Youtube to answer in today’s video.
So we thought we’d do something a little bit different today, me and Jameson, rather than coming to you with a preconceived idea of what we wanted to talk about. We thought we’d listen to you and the things you want me to talk about and we’ve pick some questions both from the blog and from YouTube that we want to answer today.
It’s going to be quick fire, obviously we’re going to try and get this done in a couple of minutes so I’m not going to spend five minutes on each question. But let’s see what we can do.
“Matt, can you do a video on age difference in relationships? I am 42 and a guy that is 33 asked me out, I’m hesitant because of the age difference, thank you.”
Here’s the problem with the different age group: They don’t have the same references necessarily as you and they’re not necessarily in the same part of their life. Not necessarily because sometimes they are in the same part of their life.
Very often when a guy who’s in his late 30s decides that he wants to meet a 28-year-old woman, they might be in same place of wanting to settle down. But it doesn’t necessarily means they are on same wavelength and that’s when the danger comes in.
So when you start to date someone like that, before you even get involved, you have to ask yourself: do I think that this person is really someone I could be with? And am I willing to take the risk that 10 years from now they won’t be in the same place as me?
Now, one school of thought is, love is love and you can’t help who you fall in love with and you have to just go with it. That’s certainly true in some cases and there is some romanticism to that, but we also have to apply pragmatism to every situation and say, is this an unnecessary risk I’m taking at this stage?
Do I like this person enough? Do I really think that it has so much potential that I don’t mind the age difference? You have to be smart as well cause let me tell you something: the guy won’t be smart for you.
‘The age difference is too much, I really like you, but lets us keep out the distance because of the age difference.’
He won’t do that, especially the younger person of the two won’t to do that. He’s more likely to be reckless or she’s more likely to be reckless if she’s younger or if he’s younger. So go in eyes wide open, if it’s really important and you think it can work, go for it, but be aware of the risk involved.
“Matthew, what have you got to say for men who abuse women and how a woman can trust another guy again?”
The most I can do, unfortunately, is apologise on behalf of all of the men that actually have backbones and don’t abuse women, who tend to get a bad name from the guys who do.
I don’t think we should waste a second of thought or energy on men who abuse women, but what I do think we should do is answer the second part of your question which is about how to trust again; how to move on as a woman. That’s a great question.
The truth is, you can’t go on saying, ‘well the next guy won’t be like that so that’s why I am going to change’ because it’s that very thought that stops women from changing in the first place.
You will never convince yourself that the next guy won’t be like that because truthfully you never know.
They might not be abusive in the same way, they might be in a different way.
The point isn’t the next person won’t be like that, the point is what type of person do you want to be in this life? Do you want to be someone who lives out the rest of your life afraid because of what one guy did to you, or what two guys did to you or whatever?
In my opinion, if you’ve been abused before you shouldn’t be lending any more power to those people and one unfortunate way that people lend power to the people that abuse them is by continuing to allow it to affect them afterwards; to continue to avoid relationships, to make themselves unhappy, to feel self loathing or guilty in some way.
Instead take your power back by actually going to the next relationship with a clean slate and saying ‘you know what, I know that I’ve got some fear, I know that there is the potential for someone to treat me badly, but what I do know is that: A, I would never put up with it in the same way as I put up with it last time and B, I don’t want to be the type of person that avoids situations just because I am scared and just cause of some prick who in the past didn’t treat me right. I’m going to go and get my happiness regardless.
This next question is from Cookiebear99…
“I’m not sure if you would read this but I’ve got an important question. How does a girl not get emotionally attached too early?”
It’s hard, especially when you combine feeling lonely with the desire to be in love. It creates this potent cocktail which leads to you now overestimating the person you’re with, projecting an image you want them to have onto them instead of waiting for them to show you, and really expecting too much from them in the early stages.
Don’t be pessimistic in the early stages, but don’t be overly optimistic either. In other words, see them as they are. When a guy invests in you, value the investment he has given you not the investment you think he could give you. When he shows you what a kind person he is, or he shows you a fatherly quality that makes you think he could be good with kids, see it for what it is in that moment, not for something it could be in the future.
That way you are going to value what he has invested, you’re not going to value what you think his potential could be.
This last question is from Sophie…
“I would like to request that you make a video on how to get back with an ex smoothly, without looking desperate and clingy.”
Kind of a desperate and clingy question…
Get your ex back advice I find kind of icky, kind of.
Really the only reason you should be going back after your ex is if you feel you really messed up and you are supposed to be together and you need to show them that that part of you has changed cause really that’s the only thing they need to know to want you back again. In which case go find a way to spend time with your ex, whether it’s in a group setting, whether it’s calling them up and saying, ‘hey look lets just go and have a coffee’ or ‘I just want to hang out and see you, I miss you’.
You’ve got to find a way to not put the pressure on but to actually spend time with that person again and when you’re with that person spending time with them, you’ve got to be able to convey that that quality that wasn’t working for them before is different in you now.
But, I’ll add this caveat, don’t change your value system for that person if it didn’t work before, don’t change something that’s fundamental to you at your core, only do it if you know it was a bad habit on your behalf and you need to change it because it would benefit your life anyway to change it and it just so happens that it would also make you more attractive to your ex, and maybe re-spark the relationship.
That’s it, otherwise move on. There are plenty of great people out there, you don’t need to be overly focused on your ex.
So that’s it. Four quick questions. Let us know if you enjoyed that, if you want us to do more questions like this where we just quick fire a few answers. We won’t do it every time obviously, but it would be fun to do this a little more often and really get involved in some of the questions that you guys ask each week.
Speak soon guys.
What one questions would you like to see me answer in a quick-fire video like this? Let me know in the comments below!