Is it okay to date younger men? How can you trust guys (in general) after an abusive situation? How do you not get emotionally attached too early? What to do with exes?
I’ve picked a mixed bag of questions from the blog and Youtube to answer in today’s video.
So we thought we’d do something a little bit different today, me and Jameson, rather than coming to you with a preconceived idea of what we wanted to talk about. We thought we’d listen to you and the things you want me to talk about and we’ve pick some questions both from the blog and from YouTube that we want to answer today.
It’s going to be quick fire, obviously we’re going to try and get this done in a couple of minutes so I’m not going to spend five minutes on each question. But let’s see what we can do.
“Matt, can you do a video on age difference in relationships? I am 42 and a guy that is 33 asked me out, I’m hesitant because of the age difference, thank you.”
Here’s the problem with the different age group: They don’t have the same references necessarily as you and they’re not necessarily in the same part of their life. Not necessarily because sometimes they are in the same part of their life.
Very often when a guy who’s in his late 30s decides that he wants to meet a 28-year-old woman, they might be in same place of wanting to settle down. But it doesn’t necessarily means they are on same wavelength and that’s when the danger comes in.
So when you start to date someone like that, before you even get involved, you have to ask yourself: do I think that this person is really someone I could be with? And am I willing to take the risk that 10 years from now they won’t be in the same place as me?
Now, one school of thought is, love is love and you can’t help who you fall in love with and you have to just go with it. That’s certainly true in some cases and there is some romanticism to that, but we also have to apply pragmatism to every situation and say, is this an unnecessary risk I’m taking at this stage?
Do I like this person enough? Do I really think that it has so much potential that I don’t mind the age difference? You have to be smart as well cause let me tell you something: the guy won’t be smart for you.
‘The age difference is too much, I really like you, but lets us keep out the distance because of the age difference.’
He won’t do that, especially the younger person of the two won’t to do that. He’s more likely to be reckless or she’s more likely to be reckless if she’s younger or if he’s younger. So go in eyes wide open, if it’s really important and you think it can work, go for it, but be aware of the risk involved.
“Matthew, what have you got to say for men who abuse women and how a woman can trust another guy again?”
The most I can do, unfortunately, is apologise on behalf of all of the men that actually have backbones and don’t abuse women, who tend to get a bad name from the guys who do.
I don’t think we should waste a second of thought or energy on men who abuse women, but what I do think we should do is answer the second part of your question which is about how to trust again; how to move on as a woman. That’s a great question.
The truth is, you can’t go on saying, ‘well the next guy won’t be like that so that’s why I am going to change’ because it’s that very thought that stops women from changing in the first place.
You will never convince yourself that the next guy won’t be like that because truthfully you never know.
They might not be abusive in the same way, they might be in a different way.
The point isn’t the next person won’t be like that, the point is what type of person do you want to be in this life? Do you want to be someone who lives out the rest of your life afraid because of what one guy did to you, or what two guys did to you or whatever?
In my opinion, if you’ve been abused before you shouldn’t be lending any more power to those people and one unfortunate way that people lend power to the people that abuse them is by continuing to allow it to affect them afterwards; to continue to avoid relationships, to make themselves unhappy, to feel self loathing or guilty in some way.
Instead take your power back by actually going to the next relationship with a clean slate and saying ‘you know what, I know that I’ve got some fear, I know that there is the potential for someone to treat me badly, but what I do know is that: A, I would never put up with it in the same way as I put up with it last time and B, I don’t want to be the type of person that avoids situations just because I am scared and just cause of some prick who in the past didn’t treat me right. I’m going to go and get my happiness regardless.
This next question is from Cookiebear99…
“I’m not sure if you would read this but I’ve got an important question. How does a girl not get emotionally attached too early?”
It’s hard, especially when you combine feeling lonely with the desire to be in love. It creates this potent cocktail which leads to you now overestimating the person you’re with, projecting an image you want them to have onto them instead of waiting for them to show you, and really expecting too much from them in the early stages.
Don’t be pessimistic in the early stages, but don’t be overly optimistic either. In other words, see them as they are. When a guy invests in you, value the investment he has given you not the investment you think he could give you. When he shows you what a kind person he is, or he shows you a fatherly quality that makes you think he could be good with kids, see it for what it is in that moment, not for something it could be in the future.
That way you are going to value what he has invested, you’re not going to value what you think his potential could be.
This last question is from Sophie…
“I would like to request that you make a video on how to get back with an ex smoothly, without looking desperate and clingy.”
Kind of a desperate and clingy question…
Get your ex back advice I find kind of icky, kind of.
Really the only reason you should be going back after your ex is if you feel you really messed up and you are supposed to be together and you need to show them that that part of you has changed cause really that’s the only thing they need to know to want you back again. In which case go find a way to spend time with your ex, whether it’s in a group setting, whether it’s calling them up and saying, ‘hey look lets just go and have a coffee’ or ‘I just want to hang out and see you, I miss you’.
You’ve got to find a way to not put the pressure on but to actually spend time with that person again and when you’re with that person spending time with them, you’ve got to be able to convey that that quality that wasn’t working for them before is different in you now.
But, I’ll add this caveat, don’t change your value system for that person if it didn’t work before, don’t change something that’s fundamental to you at your core, only do it if you know it was a bad habit on your behalf and you need to change it because it would benefit your life anyway to change it and it just so happens that it would also make you more attractive to your ex, and maybe re-spark the relationship.
That’s it, otherwise move on. There are plenty of great people out there, you don’t need to be overly focused on your ex.
So that’s it. Four quick questions. Let us know if you enjoyed that, if you want us to do more questions like this where we just quick fire a few answers. We won’t do it every time obviously, but it would be fun to do this a little more often and really get involved in some of the questions that you guys ask each week.
Speak soon guys.
What one questions would you like to see me answer in a quick-fire video like this? Let me know in the comments below!
93 Replies to “Is It A Bad Idea To Date A Younger Man?”
Life is constantly evolving. Just as we’re not using the same technology or machines as we were 50 years ago, relationships have also changed.
Older women/younger men relationships happen for 2 main reasons: Women are financially stable and no longer rely on a man to provide for them, so they’re able to date younger if they want to.
Younger men prefer older women because they are tired of the games and drama of women their age. While it will never be the norm, it’s an exception that is becoming more popular every day.
If you’d like to know more, you can check out my website.
This section was great, definitely do more like these. I’ve discovered that most guys around my age (19) are “too busy” to date, and if you happen to find one, will work you in once a month and at the end of the relationship claim things moved too fast, when in reality, you hadn’t got much further than a good conversation and a kiss goodnight. Please tell me this is just a phase?
Great idea with quick fire Q&A. I would like this one answered as it is wonderful to apply your ways, but how can you tell if the bloke in question is authentic or a sociopath? Only ask as I am that percentage of thinking he was the real deal and boy did I not see the traits of a sociopath until too late. Thanks.
Loved this feature…hope you do it again! Thanks!
Hey Matt, I love this!
Snappy, bright, wise….Wakes me up like a morning shower!
More please (thanks)!
Love Dionysia :)
I wonder if you could talk about the inertia towards self-sabotage. I’m at a moment in my life with a lot of stress in my work and I can’t find the energies for my love life. Ironically, it is when I’m getting more chances (without even having to break my passive mode) of meeting new guys. But I somehow let them pass almost always (I’m not exaggerating) and I’m afraid I’ll regret later.
For example, I just left the office thinking it will be great to go for a happy hour (I’m new in town and I know few people). One second after I met a coworker in the elevator, who was with a (good-looking) friend, and invited me to join them to a pub. I don’t know how I started to walk in the opposite direction, without even giving them an excuse.. I cannot tell you how stupid and annoyed with myself I felt after. I have to wake up early tomorrow, but to be honest I don’t care about that now, I wish I had gone.
This is just a recent example of many I can give you, but I wonder if other people also ever find themselves reacting in a similar way. That is, exactly in the way they wouldn’t have planned to behave if they had 5 mins to think about the situation.
And thanks for all the advises, you are doing a great job!
I’ve sabotaged many opportunities with great guys. I thought I was the only one .. My reasons are many but I think it’s to do with (not) being at ease and at peace with oneself at the time the opportunities arise: if there’s underlying anxiety or preoccupation, that’s when I don’t let something new or different happen, no matter how brilliant it could be. I’m trying not to do that anymore and am practicing speaking to people I meet out and about as Matt suggests, so I’ll be ready next time! It’s so much fun, today I talked to a guy for 20 minutes – great conversation!
Here’s a question: is there a way to recover when THE GUY embarasses himself? Short story: I met a hot ginger the other night when out with the girls, and things were going so great – easy conversation, sexy banter, slow-dancing – but as we were saying goodnight, he lost his lunch on the sidewalk. He was understandably mortified and wouldn’t even look at me. His buddy collected him and got him cleaned up, and I fully expect I’ll never hear from him. What a shame – he was definitely worth a few dates (until I was introduced to the contents of his stomach. Poor guy.) For future reference, any tips on recovering the sense of ease after the guy does something he might feel embarrassment about?
Yes, I like this! Thank you.
My question: What is the best way to answer the question, “So, why are you still single?” Hate it! Arg!
I like this format and I have almost the same question. Not exactly “why are you STILL single” which I usually answer “because the market is falling down” (which is a terrible thought, I know), but several people whenever they see you, they ask “so, did you find a boyfriend?” It’s like it’s the only that matters.
I quite enjoyed this format! Thank you!
I loved the quick questions format. It gives a lot of food for thought in a short period, and underlines some of the core messages you give throughout your program, while talking about specific women’s situations, which is powerful.
Loved this! Please keep going with it. You’re spot on as usual..
I rely enjoy listening to you it is real talk. I think that is hard to let go of a peron when your truly in love. I feel true love never will stop loving even if your not together and you both move on. My question to you; how can you move on to a new relationship when you still in love with someone that you love deeply, knowing they move on and are in another relationship leving you with the knowledge that they will always love you deeply? even though he’s in a relashiionsip says he loves the girl he is with he has to do right by her, but that he will always love he’s true love and nobody can have that part of his heart that belong to her and that he often thinks of how life would had being with he’s true love. He is still saying that after 26 years 3 marriages. I am a bit confuse about this this man feels because he’s true love is now divorce and single. She got married because her true love fell for someone else and married her. Heart broken she felt she had to move on because he was no longer available but she couldn’t stop loving him even in her own marriage that lasted 21 years. The person she was with was controlling and abusive so she finally put her foot down and left him. Her true love and her confess they love each other and always will but he lives with someone he dose not want to hurt and is not married. He loves her but said his true love he ardor. They decided to remain distance friends for the respect of the relationship he is in. They still check on each other ones monthly. What is this case in a nut she’ll it really is a long story. Should she wait and should he leave?
I don’t feel it is fair to anyone if those two love each other that much that she move on if she can’t love someone hold heartily and unfair that he loves her and the girls he leaves with.
I’m 24, but I have yet to be in any kind of relationship, long or short. Honestly, I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I know I’m still young, but it seems like most people my age have had at least one significant relationship before. I try to avoid talking about my lack of experience if I can, but what do I do if a guy asks me about it? A guy I went out with recently did ask, and I know I gave a terrible answer that made me sound undesirable, too picky, and too guarded. My lack of experience seemed like a huge red flag for him. I don’t want to lie in these situations, but what can I say if someone asks why I’ve never been in a relationship?
How is it… a man your age is SO wise. You have definitely done your homework. BUT you do not address women in their senior years. There are ALOT of women looking for love at this time in their lives. And… Sorry… I dont agree with the age difference answer as you get older. I was in a great relationship for 12 years with someone at 32 when I was 43 and then someone 48 when I was 60. You just never know. Please, do a Blog or Video addressing this.
Every single question you answered here pertained to my situation at this very moment. I am struggling so incredibly hard and I will probably have to watch this video every day for a while to help. Thank you
Hi the guy I dared 6 months texted me and said he neede time to define our relationship that was 2 weeks ago. Things went well he has mentioned twice he’s afraid and scared to commit himself to someone I have not taken this well. I got emotionally attached
Great advice especially about the age difference.
Age difference is much. Men are tens to be more mature as they age. Date a young man is not ideal to be husband.
I love the q & a you just did! Keep doing them they’re very helpful!
All-Time POPULAR Posts