I don’t exactly have my pulse on pop stars and who they are dating but I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of vitriol directed at Taylor Swift and its not for whether or not she can hit all the noted. People, and more specifically women, seem to be very upset about the fact that she dates around a bit….ok, a lot. What’s confusing to me is that I hear a lot of women complain that when men date a lot they are considered studs and when women date a lot they are considered loose, so why all the hate directed at Taylor Swift?
At first I thought that it might be jealousy. She seems to have dated a lot of guys the most of my girl friends admit to having crushes on. Its understandable that you might want to put yourself in her shoes. And if she dated multiples of them it might even seem she was being a bit greedy. But, overwhelmingly, it seems its not about that but about the fact that she doesn’t take enough time in between relationships, or that she’s going through them to fast. Does the public only like Taylor Swift when she is heartbroken, alone and writing a song about it?
In my seminars I have come across the phenomena that when a girl likes a guy she immediately stops dating any one else. Again, this is when she just likes a guy. Not after the first time he shows interest, or after the first day. This starts when she sets her sights on him. My advise in this situation is always the same: when you are in the initial phases of liking or dating someone you should always keep the door open to meeting new people. That way just in case it doesn’t work out with the crush, you still have choices and options. It’s important to note that just because you have these options, it doesn’t mean you are exercising them, but simply having great people around you will have you putting less emphasis on the situation, which is really attractive to your crush.
The reaction I generally get from women is that they just can’t. Once they pick a guy no one else exists. I can’t imagine if I told them you should date multiple people or if I said its okay to date someone for a couple of months just to see how it goes and then have someone else lined up if it doesn’t.
Finding options and creating choice in your life is a challenge. A goal that can be accomplished with effort and some perseverance. Thinking that you don’t deserve to have them or that they are not appropriate for your life can be a major roadblock. Because even if you only want one special man, it usually takes a series of experiences with MEN (plural!) to get there.
I want to hear from you: is it wrong to date lots of different men? Is it okay to date different men at the same time? Sound off in the comments below.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Matt x
me personally when a man draws me I immediately disregard of other people around me that is what I did with my previous relationship and now I regret because I am alone. for the future if I like a man I would not let the door closed the other guys (I am no longer the woman who overnight will no longer new) because I do not know what tomorrow will bring. PS: sorry for my english but i’m french
Hi Audrey,
I understand perfectly. :-) Thanks for commenting! x
I don’t think it’s wrong to date different men. I definitely am not able to focus completely on one guy and be head over heels for him. No man has really stimulated that reaction from me, not since I was a teenager. I’m more cynical about this. It’s very easy to put ourselves and other people into boxes. I have deal-breakers and values that the guy has to agree with but I wouldn’t say I have a type.
But on the issue of dating multiple people, I’m not sure I’d date someone when there’s another option in the background. I want to be fully emotionally invested before I get serious with someone. Your post is very relevant to online dating because that’s basically what it involves. You get less attached to any one guy because you have lined up meetings with others. It allows you to be more emotionally distanced. Online dating has actually been eye-opening to me because I’ve been able to consider dating more objectively, if that’s even possible.
My comment is not so much about the Taylor thing but about rejecting a guy and the guy becoming an ass with you. I understand That it hurts but why be a jerk with the girl? What does it mean besides being upset? I’m Completely confuse, It’ll be great to hear it from a guys point of view. Thanks
Matthew, sounds like you’re sympathetic since you’re a serial dater as well. Both serve as research for your careers, and for the benefit of the public. I think the problem is she can’t hold a long-term relationship (3months max), and that she “falls hard” and was “in love” with many “boyfriends” over the last year. Sounds like she could use your help.
I don’t “hate on” Taylor for dating so much- but I admit it always surprises me when I hear she’s with someone new. I think it’s that she moves on so quickly… I feel like most women need time to process feelings on ended relationships.
Hello Mat,
watch this video and you’ll see why people “hate” her dating life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1-7V59tp2E
Hi Matt, I think it’s good that she is taking charge and following her heart. I really don’t see the problem. Maybe people just think you should be strong enough without needing “rebounds” in between? Anyway you are so right about us women stopping to see other guys once we’ve decided we like someone. This happens automatically so we usually don’t need to worry about staying monogamous haha, but I don’t like the person I become when that happens. I feel weaker, and this time although I’ve been seeing other guys and trying them out while seeing the guy I like, I just can’t find chemistry with the other ones. I don’t know if this is because Im naturally picky and haven’t been lucky, or if it actually is because of the guy I like. Anyway I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing or if it was wrong, because until he shows he is willing to commit I can’t be wasting my time waiting, right? But lately, I found out that I probably am kind of a back-up to him as well. He isn’t “seeing” anyone else he told me, but his friend said I am not really the woman he wants, there is someone else and I(!) am the back-up. This really hurt at first, but then I realized that is the same way I was seeing him before I started to like him. You can’t really control where in the line you are for someone else until they start to like you, right? Although, if it were me, had I known he had feelings for me I would have never allowed it to progress or “lead him on”.
So, my question is, if this is how you should view dating multiple people, should I be ok with being his back-up? Should I take THIS as a reason to why he is blowing hot and cold (because he doesn’t want to get deeply involved)? I’ve stopped contacting him to see what he wants, but should I be ok and still try to make him want me, can I still respect myself then? I guess what’s really bugging me is, I don’t mind the competition if he is going for what he wants, I just can’t stand it if he is with me because it didn’t work out with the other girl. But would someone really do that? He really doesn’t seem that needy, I sometimes just think his friend doesn’t know him well enough.. Thank you
Hi Matthey,
I only date one guy right now. I do have a huge crush on him and since we are dating about 4-5 months, things get more serious. However, I don’t think it’s wrong to date different men. When Im talking about dating I think of getting to know each other before committing to a relationship
and that’s the only way to find “mr. right”.
I’m not sure what the big deal is…. if people don’t like her music or don’t want to read about her dating life don’t buy her albums, turn off the radio and put down the gossip mag! The most interesting thing about this topic is no one is questioning the source of the information in which brings us this enlightening news; There’s a good chance that these ‘so-called’ dates may not be as they appear.
The truth is if we want to find someone who is right for us, we may have to take a leaf out of Taylor’s book and go on a series of dates until we find them. There is no other way! The right person will not magically appear or be shot down from heaven, they need to be found…. and the search for the right person is half the fun!
Hi Matt, you are genius.
Ladies, think we just gave men an indulgence, (from LAT’indulgentia’)by admitting we are ok with multiple dating for ourselves, so the whole manhood can feel even ‘more comfortable’ doing the same thing! :)(validation)
Are we not made from a different substance, that makes us unbelievably quickly emotionally attached to somebody who we think is ‘the one’ and become more attractive but slightly ‘blind’ to the rest of ‘yang’ population?
We can date one or many, it’s our choice after all, as long as we won’t mix up their names :)
Taylor..let her do whatever she feel comfortable with. (a little test for us how to overcome envy). One day she might discover something so deep and close to her heart, that desire to reveal the news to the world disappears and … her ‘look, not looks’ will change. I’d love to see that ‘magic’.
Remaining a very much devoted reader and not a very native speaker. :)x
I was reading something about How I Met Your Mother (the TV show) and how people are annoyed ’cause we don’t know who the mother is.
But I realised that what made the show so good, that Ted actually does not find the right woman straight away. What makes it exciting is the search, the ups and downs and all that. As specators just like in real life, we just need to learn how to ‘love the process’.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1-7V59tp2E
Wow just got your book on my IPad so excited, might just have to take a peak before lights out :) x
That’s fantastic! Thanks for your support. x
Definitely agree with dating multiple people until a Favorite rises above the rest to the top of the list and you BOTH agree to be exclusive with each other (and that really should be HIS idea). And while dating those multiple people, including The Favorite (the one you think/hope will rise to the top of the heap), do not sleep with ANY of them, *including* The Favorite! Not until you’re both in agreement that you’re in an exclusive, monogamous, committed relationship. It’s the best way to ensure a future with The Favorite, and to protect your heart if there isn’t one.
I’ve taken this advice to heart myself, and it is helping me not to obsess my ‘Favorite’, which is good because (a) it keeps me from having him consume my every emotion and thought 24/7, (b) it keeps me from throwing too much needy energy at him, which would surely push him away, and (c) if it doesn’t work out with him, then I’m not completely crushed because I haven’t totally lost myself in him, and I can then resume other avenues in my romantic life without skipping a beat.
Hi
I dont like multiple dating. I prefer to get to know the one person and if it doesnt work then to change. If its not something long, change can be made in one day but if we had some connection i would rather get complete with that first before dating someone quickly to forget that pain because when i am emotional i dont choose well haha :D I wouldnt want to date a guy who has me in competition neither and comparing me to the 5 other girls he is dating at the same time. Why should i do it to guys then ? For me we have more value as humans then to be evaluated according to some weighting of invalid reasons. Thats all bulshit u can never know the person enough to judge and estimae his future behaviour or i dunno what. Guys i wish you less deciding and more of choosing. When you are choosing you dont need reasons for that or security or insurance because nothing is sure nothing lasts forever you just waste your time by hesitating and being careful and other useless things.
I have had better experiences with liking more than one guy at a time, it helps me not get all weird and clingy with just one guy (which I want to never do again). Guess you could use it as a way to train yourself to have more things going on in your life while still being a confident person that doesn’t do that “crazy clingy thing”.
Hi Matt,
honestly I think dating one man at a time is just one of our instincts, not saying that is necessarily correct but generally we are taught that that is what is acceptable, and if we do other-wise we will develop a name for ourselves. I honestly think that is a good thing if you keep your options open, I have recently been put in a situation where a guy has lead me on, told me that he has fancied me and then stated that we are: “friends”. I wish now that I had taken that number from the cute guy I met on the train, not out of revenge, but out of regret. I am not saying that you should jump frog from one relationship to the next, but not stay single simply because society thinks you should. I think if you are attracted to someone then do what you say “don’t wait, create” because you don’t want to miss a chance of something that could be great.
izzy x
Hi Matthew,
My humble opinion is that we put people in boxes. Taylor’s image used to be a sweet girl in monogamous relationships, then her heart gets broken. Now her dating strategy has changed and we resent her for it. We feel duped by her. We feel she should not have cashed in on her love songs in the past and used her sweet and innocent image to sell CDs.
When we put people in boxes (especially celebrities) it’s more a reflection of what we do in our private lives. Do we not resent out BF-gf ‘changing’ after the initial honeymoon period? How about husband/wife?
Case in point, there are a lot of other celebrities who maintain their date many different people but we are more accepting because it’s what we expected (cue George Clooney, Paris Hilton etc.). No one kicks up a fuss about them.
THE EXACT NUMBER OF MEN REQUIRED IS 3
1) Place on high heat.
2) Place on simmer
3) Place on the back burner
Hi,
I have started on a search for that special person. I have not found him yet but I am sure he is out there. I have been dating multiple men at the same time and I never kept it a secret. I also told each of them that I recommend they do the same thing, leaving sex out of the picture. I do not kiss either. Becoming friends is a very important role in realizing if you are compatible or not. I don’t want to rush into anything only to find that I really don’t like the guy. By me waiting and talking with these guys, I have found there are several that I am not compatible with and some that are on the verge of stalker. LOL I also find when dating multiple men, I don’t waste time and I have a better understanding of what I want and do not want.
Thank you so much for the valuable information. I would have never made it this far without it. I have met 12 guys and I was not even nervous. What a relief. :) thanks again!!