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Is Passion Overrated?

I shot this a few weeks ago. It’s kind of a rant, it’s kind of fiery, but it’s a topic I’m hot about right now and that I think you’ll get a lot out of.

(For more on my Retreat programs, click here.)

Let me tell you why passion is overrated.

To clarify this: INITIAL passion is what I’m talking about here.

In my professional life I used to find myself interviewing people who were incredibly passionate about a possible job opportunity in my organisation.

The most passionate people of all would say things like, “I’ve always wanted to be a part of something like this” and “I’ll give it my all, I’ll work day and night to make this a success”.

In the beginning I’d think, ‘Wow this person really wants it. I’m going to bring this person on board’.

But the problem was that their passion was UNEARNED.

That person didn’t necessarily even know what the day-to-day of their job would be, and very often when things got tough that same person would come back to me to say, “there’s this other thing I’m really passionate about that I have to pursue. I love working with you, but there’s this thing I really have to go for.”

They’d get passionate about the next thing that came along in the same unearned way.

Passion when it’s unearned tends to be the number one quality of the dabbler.

You see it everywhere. You see people getting crazy exciting about something… and then five minutes later? They’re onto the next shiny thing having realised it’s not ‘perfect’, that it does get hard, and that they’re not going to enjoy every single minute of the day.

I’ve learned to be sceptical of initial passion.

I’ve learned that it’s much easier to find someone who can start something that it is to find someone who can finish something. People who can finish things are a lot more rare.

It takes real passion to be able to finish something; it takes a novelty to start something.

The people who are really passionate about something have a RELATIONSHIP with that thing.

If they’re passionate about a career path, they have a relationship with that career. If they’re passionate about a sport, they have a relationship with that sport. If they’re passionate about that person, they have a relationship with that person.

This is very different from showing interest in something. A relationship has ups and downs, it’s every minute of the day, and it’s something that you suffer for.

Passion comes from the Latin verb ‘pati’, meaning to suffer or endure.

That’s what passion really is. Not doing something for the sake of it or because someone else told you to, but because deep inside you have a relationship with the thing you have to endure.

The number one way women get hurt in relationships is by overvaluing initial passion, instead of valuing investment from a guy.

You know what it’s like when a guy comes up to you to tell you that you’re ‘the most incredible thing on the planet’ and that you’re ‘so beautiful and elegant’ and that he ‘must spend time with you’.

When you feel that, you know it’s unearned. How could he be so excited about you already? You see this and you’re rightly sceptical.

Carry this mentality into all of your interactions.

Start looking out for those rare moments where you find people who really give over the long-term.

When you find something you really want to do, invest in it over the long-term.

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I’m in Florida having just finished two of my Lifestyle Retreat programs. We’re going to try and get a video recorded out here to show you what it looks like. If you want to find out more about the program in the meantime, check out the main Retreat page here.

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71 Replies to “Is Passion Overrated?”

  • Cheerio, Uncle Matty. I like ur blurb. We have to stop idealizing about many bad rom-com movies version of “passion”.

  • I am just so glad I got to be a part of this adventure… And got to experience the PASSION you pour into it.

    I agree, thanks for the video and much love to you and all the team!

  • This is CRAZY, my blog post for tomorrow goes on the same line, only I’m focusing more on the job hunting aspect rather than the relationship one (here in Spain given the ‘wonderful’ job market we’ve been having lately seems it’s a theme that my readers have been liking lately!)
    Anyways, back to you, couldn’t agree more. I remember myself falling into the vortex of initial passion when looking for internships where I’d actually be that person you describe at the very beginning of you video. Two months later into the internships, I get a smack from real life ‘in da face!’ and realise it was not at all what I wanted. After tripping on the same rock two times I said enough and decided to truely go for what I truely loved (Interpersonal Communication). Was/is it an easy ride? Heck no! But that’s the beauty of it. Just like relationships, true loving ones I mean ;) They have their ups and their downs but the overall picture is deffinetly worth keeping!
    Which reminds me of another quote by Khalil Gibrane regarding the unchained unity between reason and passion
    :
    “For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction [a.k.a. Initial passion!].
    Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
    And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.”

    Once more great video, great blog post and I wish you the best on your retreat!
    Kindest regards,
    Randa

  • Haha Matty, I work in HR so this kinda rings my bells. Deffo should apply in relationships too. Thanks for ur great work.

  • What a great video and it came right on time for me! Your commitment to give us every week videos with so much valuable content is what shows real passion.
    Thank you Matt!

  • Great video, Matthew. I have a huge problem and I hope you can help me solve it. I’m almost 18 years old and never had a boyfirend, but It’s not the main problem. Anyway, whenever a boy gets interested in me or I like somebody, my best friend starts flirting with him, and, in the end, he starts having crush on her. It’s really annoying. I feel devastated. Looking forward hearing from you. Have a lovely day!
    -J

    1. This person clearly *isn’t* your best friend. Any guy that shows interest in you and leaves with her, clearly isn’t the kind of guy you’re looking for. Thank these idiots for revealing their true selves to you and start finding new friends and new places to hang out. Join activity clubs, start short courses, get on the path to improving yourself and being the best you can be. The rest will happen (i.e. you will attract friends and love interests that are interested in who you are instead of just in using you for the short term). Best of luck.

    2. Since you’re almost 18, I’m guessing you’re going to go to college pretty soon. Quite likely your friend will go to a different college. Even if she goes to the same one, it will be so huge, that you two will not always be moving in the same circles. In other words, pretty soon your problem will no longer be an issue.

  • Thank you so much for valuing the passionate, the long term people who do the right thing, who put blood, sweat and tears into their passions, win or lose and who don’t just do it because it feels good at the time.

  • Thank you so much for posting this. This is exactly what happened in my last relationship with a dabbler who threw unearned passion my way, and his passion fizzled in just a few months. He wasn’t interested in making the investment in our relationship. I knew his initial massive passion wasn’t right, but I went with it, and sure enough, my gut knew better than my heart. Lesson hopefully learned….

    1. Hey Matthew,
      Great video today!!! sometimes I wish I would have known of you sooner then later, perhaps I wouldn’t be questioning myself why I even fell for a guy like my EX, I don’t question the finally having ENOUGH and ending things once and for all.
      In the beginning it was “normal” he showed interest, of what nature I am still unsure of, then came the “oh my god you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I’m so glad I met you BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.” I had done nothing grand that would warrant such words and “actions” <>
      Anyhow as quickly as he was passionate about me it was gone like a flash and he found someone new…Shit, he was with her before I even got my walking papers…Thank-you, your services are no longer needed…his new passion waned quickly as it had done for me. He did try to come back, but he’s just not good and in truth I don’t trust nor respect him.
      What causes a person to be like this??? is it their upbringing??? is it part of some validation seeking of some kind???

      I am the CEO of my life and I shall demote, promote and, terminate those who deserve it most…

      Thank you for the video!!! you are most appreciated!!!

  • I have dated guys that I thought were great and I really wanted to give them a chance so I went on several dates with them, but I felt NO chemistry and seemed like no potential for chemistry. Eventually, I would have to call it off because I didn’t want to lead the guys on. Other guys who were total douche bags I had chemistry with but had to end for obvious reasons. Should I have waited longer for the no chemistry guys? Is it reasonable to ask for both? Is chemistry different from passion?

  • Thank you so much Matthew! Sadly I’m so addicted to initial passion that my scepticism is near absent when I’m initially wildly taken in by a guy. But no more – investment and endurance is what I’ll reward.

  • mathew you are someone who i really want to meet !
    i just love your videos and enjoy them !
    but my only request for you is to differ in subjects a little bit I want you to talk about live, dreaming, how to trust people,anything more than just guys even though that men what you are specialest at >>> and thaaaaaanks a lot :) love yaa !

  • I completely agree with this! Funny thing is I realized a while ago in most of life people who were this excited / this worked up about something rarely stuck thru to the end. But I did not put this link together when it came to men. Thank you for this video
    p.s. I have watched many videos but this is the first time I commented truly appreciate this

  • It’s very easy to get passion and just plain excitement confused. If you think about in the beginning of a relationship it’s brand new and insanely exciting but when you get to the point that even the everyday part of the relationship still excites you you know it’s passion.
    It stinks you had to go through that but unfortunately that’s part of owning any type of business. Have you ever thought about doing some kind of trial run to see if you find the qualities you are looking for in a employee? If someone is really passionate about working with you and being part of what you offer just filling your tea would be bearable besides we all have to start somewhere. Anyhoo, just a thought.

  • Oh almost forgot, I personally wanted to work with you because I feel we have similar ideas when it comes to coaching others on their dating lives and just being confident in day to day life. I’ve always had a knack for drawing people to me and gaining their trust quickly. You know, my life is pretty darn great and I love who I’ve become.

  • Enduring investment as the source of real passion — I love it! This gives the chance for two people to really get fulfillment out of the relationship journey together.

  • Very true, now that I have learn from your Get the Guy my husband of 20 years said to me “this is the hardest I have ever worked for our relationship” and then smiled. He said, having to work harder for you makes me want you more! I just smiled! Matthew you need to have a couples retreat! We would come!

  • Thank you Matthew. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Endurance is key. And look for men who want to invest.
    Not just throw passion your way.

    Had a recent bad experience with a guy I thought something could happen with. But as it turned out he was only interested in one thing..and the whole thing turned ugly. But Im happy now that I saw that other side of his. Now I can forget about him and move on to better things.

    Allthough In this time of life I think Im not ready yet for a relationship, nor have the time and energy for it. I got to fix some other aspects of my life first. So Im more into these casual things. But the problem arises when I develop feelings for these “one-night-men”. I am at the core a relationship person and I value quality over quantity. But I got out of my first relationship (of six years) in april (yes its been some time now) and Im not ready to start a new one. Not yet. I do invest so much into it… It allmost absorbs me whole.
    But Im optimistic. Right now Ill just try to have some fun. Im going to Paris this week! :D Wish me luck!

    All the very best to you! Thank you for your inspiration! And what a cool photo of yours!! :)

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