Many of the women who read this blog are single, but I always like to address those who aren’t as well!
Last week I opened the floor to a lucky reader who was able to ask me any question she liked. Congratulations Lisa! You asked how to keep things in a relationship fun and fresh from the first date all the way through. This is a great topic and one that I know so many women have questions about!
Many people say that if a relationship is right, it should be easy. Though it’s true that if your relationship is too much work it probably isn’t right, it doesn’t mean that a good relationship won’t require effort.
The sad truth is that most people bring their best selves on day one to the stranger, and a much lazier more negative version on day 365 with the person they love.
I often say that attraction is about keeping people off balance; the problem is that when people get into a relationship, they get too stable. On one hand, it is great when you find that person you can build routine with, be comfortable and share your life with. The danger arises when routine overshadows the intensity of the emotions and experiences you have with that person.
Here are 3 ways to make sure routine doesn’t drown your passion!
1) Just because you’ve started Dating doesn’t mean you stop going on Dates!
Never. Stop. Dating.
Though having a comfort-zone and co-existing with your partner is great, you need to keep things fun and interesting. A date doesn’t mean you have to go out and get dolled up every single time; it can be something as simple as changing or creating an atmosphere. If your typical date night is to stay in, order pizza and watch a movie, switch the pizza out for his favorite homemade dish and light some candles rather than using the table lamp. This changes it up just enough to create a special moment out of a typically ordinary one.
2) Special occasions deserve special experiences…
When it comes to birthdays and holidays, many people struggle with what to get their man. You don’t need to break the bank; you just need to invest yourself.
One of the greatest gifts, as well as the most memorable, is the gift of time. The best gift and date ideas take advantage of this. Make a mini day-trip to a place that neither of you have been before, or go learn something new together. Not only will you have spent quality time with your mate, you’ll also have just created a new point of connection and conversation!
3) Make a mental note of things he likes…
Take note of the little things he mentions that he likes, wants to do or turn him on, and build a well that you can draw from.
You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to take charge and book the tickets to see Iron Man 3, simply because you know he wants to see it! Also don’t forget to remind him of ways he can make you happy. No guy will be angry with you for giving him a roadmap!
Question of the day: What can you do to keep a guy in your life ‘off balance’?
Let me know in the comments below!
To learn more about surprise, creating a spark that lasts, and how to make attraction GROW, check out my online programme The Man Myth. In it you will learn the A–Z of what men think, how to generate unstoppable attraction, and how to win him to your way of thinking. Check it out here.
61 Replies to “3 Ways to Keep The Passion In Your Relationship”
I luv this especially ‘Just because you’ve started dating doesn’t mean you stop going on dates!’; its an easy mistake to make when you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Thanks for the reminder and I’ll definitely will not be repeating mistakes I made in past relationships.
Ps. More importantly, you forgot to tell us what you thought of star trek.
I’m a male obviously, and I am very interested in everything you write about, even if its for the females towards the male because I’m interested in moving my relationship with my partner in a good healthy, fun way. We’ve been dating for several months now, and I love her with my whole heart. I just feel like she is getting bored with us and possibly loosing attraction towards me. I brought it up recently but she denies it. Maybe im just thinking too much? Well, anyways. We are basically together every day but I love to surprise her and take her on dates but it never feels like its enough. I hope you can give me some advice. Thanks!
So I can’t speak for Matt, since I’m not a dating coach, but you seem like a genuinely great guy (given that you’re actually reading this article and putting effort into your relationship), and I figured that, as a girl, I can probably throw some tips your way. For instance, I only start losing interest in my bfs when:
1) they start getting overly critical of other people (and/or me)
2) they’re not particularly original (for instance, you might have lots of dates, but you always do the same thing.) Try instead doing something that she likes, but rarely does (for instance, I love hiking, but I hardly ever organize hiking trips, so when my bf surprises me with one, I always really appreciate it). Or, likewise, try surprising her with little things that are really considerate (like meeting her for lunch or making dinner for her).
3) when they stop putting effort into sex. Sex should be fun, and playful. And for goodness sake, it’s not like there’s not enough advice on it. Grab a Men’s Health and start reading!
4) When they’re only interested in themselves, and never bother to ask anything about me, my friends, or my family. You like her, so show your interest in her.
Make her chase you a little bit. Don’t be so available all the time. People lose interest when they take you for granted. Don’t ask her whether she loses interest, you’ll seem insecure. Raise your confidence. Women love confident strong men, not puppies.
Someone told me I make a good cup of tea ;)
I’ve always sucked at relationships, but accidentally I did get the guy… 7 years ago! We try to keep things fun and exciting, we go on dates pretty much onve a week. It all seems to work, but he just doesn’t take things further. I do want to marry him, and when I address it, he says he wants to improve his career first. I don’t know what difference would it make, since he stays most of the week in my place anyway. I’m afraid to say I let him have the milk before buying the cow, but it seems I did…
Hey matt, thanks you the best
I completely agree with the ‘never stop dating’ thing – it’s essential! It just reminds you both of why you got together in the first place and… yes!
(In response to one of your tweets) In a really difficult relationshipy situation at the moment. It’s at that point where you’ve been flirting for a long(ish) amount of time, and you’re either going to go for it or not… but one of you wants more and the other might just be in it for fun, even though it could be pretty amazing. It’s just very confusing! So I can definitely agree with you when you say knowing whether to walk away or try harder is one of the hardest decisions.
So my friend Steve and I used to be pretty close and and we would see each other when we could, but it was never WORK to be around him.
I don’t really get to see him too often any more as I’ve moved cities. Now, when ever I see him it’s a very awkward and I always get an uncomfortable vibe and after I just regret wasting my time in a situation where I do most of the talking as we attempt to ‘catch up’. I feel so much pressure to fill all the silences. He continues to message me to hang out and go for coofffee, or something boring, and I suggest other things we could do in which we DONT have to talk, like go see the new star trek movie for instance! but they never end up working out and I get stuck in these weird situations that make me start wondering what he is even getting from these meet ups. It’s honestly just starting to feel like really horribly boring dates. AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO PLAN MORE! What am I doing wrong? Is there anything I can do to keep us just as friends?
Can you shed some light on what is going on here, and how to stop this train wreck in the best way?
Great advice! I think it’s so important to keep the relationship fresh and have new experiences with one another. My question to you isn’t related to this topic too much, however:
I’m currently in a relationship with my bf and it’s been about 6 months. I want to tell him I’m in love with him but wondering if this is appropriate. Can a girl say I love you to a guy? Is there a general timeframe for saying I love you? I don’t want to scare him off!
I expect you’ve been checking for an answer pretty regularly, and idk what Matt would say, but from past experience, I would say that while girls can say “I love you,” if your bf hasn’t yet said this, I would wait. Matt’s book talks about guys worrying about having to leave behind their “wild” single life once they’re in a committed relationship, and, while your guy doesn’t seem to be showing signs of anxiety, I think the “I love you” usually hits them pretty hard. So I would suggest you just keep up the fun, spontaneous, happy high-value you, and know that he’ll be the first one to say it on one of those days when he’s feeling completely dazzled by you. :) Good luck!
I agree. Why do you feel the urgent need to say anything if you’re spending your time with him. Why can’t your time with him be enough? This is not about whether or not the “I love you” will scare him off, it’s about knowing that your presence alone conveys to him how you feel about him already! Have confidence in that knowledge!
I would say… break the routine and do something new. Only new things in your life, new experience & new emotions will create a new entire level in the relationship, and keep it fresh.
Find 5 new things you & your guy never done in your life, but always wanted to do, and create a plan for their realization.
Laugh. It is so important to stay positive. Always find time to laugh together. Go to comedy club, comic show, etc.
Go to new places (restaurants, bars, festivals, parks, dance studios, sport clubs, cities, countries)
Somebody out there said: “Sometimes one day spent in other places gives more than 10 years of your life at home…”
Make an experiment, give your guy a list (or create a book) of all the positive things that you observed him doing during the week. He should like it. Add later more things.
Play new games. We all enjoyed playing games when we were little, what has changed since then? It can be a little competitive.
Change 3 things (sometimes buy 3 things) which can make your life easier, or more fun and entertaining.
Simply ask sometimes what he is missing and fulfil that. :)
P.S. Sorry for possible mistakes. English is not my first language.
Love your post! Great suggestions. :)
Thank you, Kari
I know this isn’t a practical solution for everyone, but my boyfriend and I have the perfect formula. He lives away (for his job) during the week and then we spend the weekends together. We speak or text every night. This is perfect for me. I’ve been single, raising my 14 year old son, for many years and run my own company. I was scared about ‘giving my life’ up if I got into a relationship. This way, I have time to do all the things I want to do, and I still can’t wait to see my boyfriend when he arrives on a Friday night for the weekend. Every Friday night feels like date night! I know this wouldn’t work for everyone. But it’s perfect for us.
Keep up the great work, Matthew! xx
My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last week. I give him lots of space, never call him, actively pursue my goals & constantly strive to improve myself on all levels. I love being independent, strong & sweet. He tells me he is more in love with me everyday. His friends are baffled why I never get jealous ( he even tells me who he finds cute, I tease him about his crushes), & my friends ask what is my secret for making him behave like a puppy dog when he sees me.
That’s my 2 cents worth, in case it helps anyone. Matt, I love learning from you & admire your work. A lot of my work involves sales & marketing – usually pitching to men, & your man myth video has taught me a lot. I’m fascinated by human behavior – what motivates men & women, what drives us. So THANK YOU, MATT!
Excited to attend your retreat!
Love all your great ideas and videos-and you look soo handsome in the Gadsby one! please put Bostononyour list! Are you seeing anyone seriously? Would love to mert you soetimr. You in that suit=gorgeous!
My friend asked, how do you get a social life and where do you start? Good question, whwn we are in our 40’s and early 50’s and are on disability. She got your book. (my advice) but is having a had time moving on with it. I told her keep reading! Shef back depressed. Her 23, yes, that number is correct! Bf was here in college and moved college and moved back to Sweeden for the summer.
Sorry for all the typos. Was on my phone and couldn’t see the left side when i was writing to you typig this.
I’ve recently got into my first relationship with a guy, and he’s currently very busy and working hard – he said so himself, before asking how I’ve been. This was after 5 whole days of no contact.
Did I get all angry and threaten to leave him? No! I said, “No worries, I’m very busy too, got a lot going on, would like to see you sometime soon…” etc.
It’s important to show him you’re high value while simultaneously letting him know you care. I know he genuinely cares about me, but he’s unconsciously testing me to make sure I’m not just into him for his money. I have absolutely no interest in his money. I sense he is sussing out whether I will leave him like his ex did. He said he’s over the heartbreak now, but I KNOW he is still in pain. I don’t feel sorry for him, but I told him I’m going on holiday soon and would love to see him before I go. But I am not going to sit and wait for him. One thing I’ve learnt in my 20 years of life… you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
LET HIM MISS YOU, and he’ll come running back as soon as you’re having fun without him.
He can’t miss you if you’re always there. Let him make up his mind on his own.
Good for you. Any guy that’s really interested in a woman will make time for her, no matter what’s going on in his life. Keep moving and keep looking!
We are a sad lot and love does hurt especially when it’s not being reciprocated. At 52 I am still trying to figure this out but have come to the conclusion that dating boys and not men is my personal problem therefore hopefully I can learn from my mistakes. Your Videos have helped me tremendously and though I may be hurting again now things will be better. Just a thought and I know that you help mainly women, how about when you have your seminars you also invite men so that we can learn face to face how to deal with situations live also perhaps arrange a match up where you invite single men and women to the conference to mix and mingle I think so much could be learn’t now wouldn’t that be fun? Going to work on myself now but will not give up on love and happiness.
Hi matt i was so xcited abt 3 ways 2 keep d passion in ralatnsph. but am confused about a guy i met abt a month ago, dis guy call me once in a week smtime twice, but i dnt no may be i should be calling him evryday pls HELP
Sounds like he may not be that interested! Go about your life. You do have one and you are important. Go out with your friends, guys and girls. This will increase your confidence. And by no means should you be calling this guy everyday. Don’t call him at all if this so-called relationship is causing you confusion.
I have just started seeing this guy I met on match.com about 2 weeks ago and I find we have a lot in common-in fact we share a lot of the same values and the same outlooks on life. He is a local chef in my area, and works all the time. He did comment on he is willing to see me on his days off. We have not gone out on an official date yet, but still made efforts to watch some movies at each others places,and grab a drink on occasion with some of our friends. This guy is really shy, he even mentioned it to me, so I took initiative and began to ask him out. I mentioned I was out with my friends at this bar and told him he should join, I have mentioned I am going to this art exhibit this weekend and ask him if he wanted to join, I even told him I would love to learn about his cooking-even said I would like to see him in his element. Even with all this effort, I am beginning to get frustrated, because his response to all these invites-is I will see you soon. I am wondering what I can do to change this response. Is there a positive outlook to this?
I fancy this cute guy at work, well he fancied me first and started dropping me hints, so I responded to him lol…by doing the over the shoulder thing when one day he was trying to impress me with his car, it work or what.
After that he try to talk to me and I responded back making small talk conversations (we use to say hi to each other before like a year but never really talked), I started making a bit effort at work and since then he kind off started chasing me. Anyway, I said hello sometimes and sometimes not, trying not to give him too much attention. However he mentioned it to one of his colleague he fancies me and that was it everyone in the department knew..but because I am a private person no knew if i fancied him too, they were left kind of guessing and just watching. I did like the idea of everyone knowing and do like to keep things professional at work. Over a period of 6/7 weeks this guy was everywhere I went staff room, other places, he even started to come to my office trying to talk to my colleagues to try and create an opportunity to talk to me.
Anyway a conversation came up about him with my colleagues about him fancying me and one of my colleague told me his got a girlfriend, well at least he thought he had (my colleague doesn’t ever chat to him, and I’m getting the feeling my this colleague may have lied because he fancies me), after my colleague told me this I saw the guy a few times and acted like I did not acknowledge him (he was hovering around me again to talk and he was really dressed up which I recon was to impress me lol), since I have ignored him I see him no where, its like his completely disappeared…I really found him cute and now that I have ignored him because I was annoyed and embarrassed as I am not that type of girl. I’m not sure I can get him interested again….If i start saying hi do you recon he will try and talk to me again, as I don’t want to look desperate or be the pursuer.
I only find specific types of guys attractive, know other guy at my work place falls into that category at all, and I know I’m supposed to create other opportunities for myself to meet guys which I plan to once I get this exam done with but at the moment I really am not meeting any guys at all. And I recon I blew this one as well, even though it may have not been anything anyway. I will keep my options open by talking to not just one man but others to explore my options and what is best for me as you have explained in your book.
First of all thanks for your good advises and i’ve been following your blog since last year till now. I m a divorcee age 38 but when i walking with my daughter, people always thought she is my sister. I feel good about myself n always being happy with simple life. I have a guy friend that i knew from Cupid since Nov last yr. Our relationship is just by sms’s but i always make sure he started first more than me. After 2 months he mets me n family. I realized i’ve bit clinging to him after that as i need more attention from him sometimes. At the end our relationship went cold n after a month he admit that he just reconciliation with ex wife as her request for the sake of their daughter. Since they hv been re-united i never disturb him as i told him not to find him unless he did. Our sms also become less but he always show up once a while n make me laugh just by sms. It takes 6/7 hour drive to reach between our place. Coincidence he had seminar on last May at hospital in my state n i got chance to meet him even just for few minutes as he promised although i knew he quite bz. Matt, i was thinking to sit beside him on next date this Saturday n will bring along my two kids cause he wanted to see them too. I knew i’ve being good friend with people’s husband but for me as long as i don’t have any expectations on any guy and it doesn’t matter to be friend with. I enjoying the now i have n still wanna be friend with other who is sincere.
When will we see more content on Keeping The Guy as you stated on the Today Show?
HI Matt! Awsome advice as always!
But I have a question; what does one do when the guy youre in a relationship with doesnt want to do the things you want to do or dismisses your ideas without hesitation. Like for example: I felt restless in the weekend after sleeping long and eating breakfast infront of a movie and wanted to go for a walk together around the neighbourhood (I just couldnt stand to be inside anymore on a nice day) and he would rather watch another movie in the couch. Sigh! Whats that about? Is it just cause hes pure lazy? (he does work hard in the weeks tho). Or is it that he doesnt value me enough to want to fulfill my needs or meet me half way?
And I should add that being lazy in the weekend is pretty standard for him and taking a walk was something Ive wanted to do with him for a long time without any fruitful result…
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