I hope you’re having a beautiful time wherever you are, and whatever (potentially modified) version of the holidays you are having right now. I’m sending you love, lots of love.
As we roll into the New Year, it seems like as good a time as any to talk about our standards. We think of a new year as being a time where we reset our standards, don’t we?
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So I’ve been told that I have really high standards, and my mom of all people told me to lower my standards a little bit, because I can be nitpicky a bit, like I can get a text message saying, “How are you?” But then it’s spelled out with the letters R and U And I’m like, “Oh, this is not going to work out.”
Yeah, no. I get that.
Because reading and writing is like a huge part of my life.
And reading that kind of text message is like blasphemy for me. So.
I get it.
So in this context, should I-
So what’s your question, is when is your standard too high?
No, my question here would be like, in this context, should I listen to my mom and lower my standards?
Okay. There’s two aspects to this. One is we have to look, again, self-awareness. What are the things that are really important to me? I know that for me, kindness is everything. Everything. If I go on a date with someone and I feel like there’s a mean edge to them, if I get on a date and they’re already gossiping about people in a nasty way, I’m out. I’m just not interested. It’s not even that I’m sitting there judging someone intensely. Just, kindness is so, so, so important to me that it doesn’t matter how attractive someone is in every other way. If they don’t show that, I don’t want to know.
You have to decide what your deal breakers are. What are the things that you can’t live without? And is someone saying, R or U a reflection of genuinely bad, low level of eloquence? Is it really reflective of someone who cannot articulate ideas well? Or is it someone just writing quickly?
I guess we’ll know when you go on a date with that person, right? And you see whether they can actually articulate their ideas. There might be a level of instant judgment that happens there that’s not necessarily fair to impose on the person. I don’t think you’re totally wrong. I think you sometimes, and often people who are shortening everything in that way may not value language to the same extent, but we don’t know that. So you may want to say, “Okay, rather than me too early judge this, let me get on the phone.” That’s the other thing, here’s what I would do, if I were you. I’d say, “It’s not really that someone says U that bothers me. What bothers me is if they’re not articulate. What bothers me if they can’t is if they can’t express themselves well. If they don’t have a good command of language, that’s what bothers me. So how do I learn that quickly?”
And this is something I want to tell all of you, because it’s so important. I have a strong belief that, not always, because I don’t like rules, but as a principle, I think it’s worth getting on the phone with someone before you go on a date with them.
Because I can figure out on a 15 minute phone call whether I even want to go on a date with this person. And I’m going to see if we actually have a vibe at all. FaceTime, even better. If I can actually get on a video call with someone and have that, even better. But some people are too scared to FaceTime. But if you can get on a video with someone, even better, because I’m now seeing if we have any rapport, and it’s going to save me a whole evening of my life.
I would get on the phone with that guy, have a conversation, and see if this guy expresses himself in a way that’s attractive to you. If he does, go on the date, ignore the text. If he doesn’t, then you have a real answer, as opposed to trying to read so much into one little aspect. Makes sense?
Yeah, it does.
So the compromise between you and your mom is, “All right, Ma. I’ll get on the phone to him.”
“I’ll speak to him on the phone. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to give him a whole night of my life right now.”
All right. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
11 Replies to “Lower Your Standards?”
Thanks Matthew, that was very helpful for when I start dating again.
the blessing of dating apps that people tend to be more upfront about their intentions and about who they are, and I don’t have to waste the time even for a call or a FaceTime (and I’m talking about guys who ask weird questions like what would you do if you’d get pregnant after sleeping with a date – I wish I’d made this up).
Dus y ou’re just like dat wrong..Inshalla ken i teik this terapi over cankers you ken si dat you aer wrong, ende mi frend you ken see als you laik end wyt deyt of555 fon of wat you think after, ,bikoz this taem you are totally wrong. Weywat you think this istotaly prohibited .
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Great advice Matthew…as usual!
I too have high standards, morals and principles, which I am so happy that were instilled in me as a child.
I have a problem dating or even getting into a relationship with men who are overweight and have no goals, dreams, and no spirit to make their lives better, basically sheep like men.
Am I in the wrong?
I understand where she’s coming from. You don’t really know initially if they are uneducated or lazy. You’ll know pretty quickly in a phone call and if it’s that he’s lazy, at some point you can request a change in that behaviour that bother you. As long as you’re kind and respectful, he should be willing to at least consider it. If such a request doesn’t meet his standards, he can say so. Then you have to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you. Deal breakers should be discussed earlier than later. :)
I just want a man who never cheats… is that really have a high standard? I hope it’s not :/
Happy Holidays to Matthew, the MH Team, and all of you!
Thanks Matthew… and sending love your way!
Regarding the topic on lowering your standards… I agree with you that we should not lower our standards, but with that being said, we should not be overly picky either. A few of my biggest deal breakers would be they must be a non-smoker, non-drug and alcohol addiction, and like you, Matthew… Kindness matters! I am a kind-hearted person and looking for that in a relationship.
We should support and encourage our potential or current partner/relationship and that they would want to reciprocate that to us without giving it any thought. It should come naturally because when you care about each other, you want to make them happy, and in return they want to make you happy. The key is working as a TEAM. You each work together supporting, encouraging, and celebrating each other’s achievements. For example, rather than being picky about a person making grammatical errors (I’m guilty of that), a caring person would compliment their partners efforts and offer to be their proof-reader. You see, teamwork produces great results (Writing + Proof-reader = SUCCESS).
You must stick to your standards if you need this to be happy. If the standard is not necessary or if a compromise could be reached to make both of you happy, then work together as a TEAM to make this happen. Yay… This TEAM wins! When a person has a weakness in a certain area, and when you add your strength to the equation, you create a bond that grows stronger within your relationship. You encourage and support each other.
And the drum roll… here comes the METAPHOR. A good relationship grows with time, just like a bottle of fine wine. This is the recipe for a delicious relationship.
Matthew, thanks and I’m so excited because you made an IMPACT in my life. After watching your IMPACT video, I used some information that you shared in the video, and this made a difference in a work relationship. In fact, it was quite the success. When writing before I saw your Impact Video, I had not used the word “Impact” to communicate. You helped me expand my knowledge and write a successful and motivating email to a colleague. Thank You!
Have a Happy New Year
Hugs from Afar
Love this 5 minutes o the phone and I know instantly if it’s someone I want to work with in my professional work or if it’s someone that I’m interested in connecting with for friendship and comadery.
The best way to get a guy that meets your standards is to be a woman that meets his standards. Just because you have standards doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to have his
If those poor guys FaceTime her, that will be the moment when THEY will be the ones disqualifying her.
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