Make yourself comfortable and let’s talk about men.
You know that muscular guy in the gym, who spends so much time lifting weights you don’t know how he manages to hold down a full-time job? Or that guy at the bar with the perfectly quaffed hair, who dresses like a GQ model and constantly has that narrow-eyed James Bond look on his face? Or the guy in the Wall Street business suit, who shouts too loudly on his phone because he thinks he’s a modern-day Gordon Gecko?
Do these guys ever intimidate you? Because they shouldn’t.
Look, I know men can be brash and arrogant. Some men just love the sound of their own voice, or being the loudest, most obnoxious person in the room. But don’t mistake all of this posturing for confidence.
I’ve noticed a recurring mindset from my coaching: Most women completely over-estimate the confidence of men.
All of those guys above have insecurities. And even though some men of course are genuinely confident, and maybe even over-confident, we have to be careful of assuming that all guys have the same high opinion of themselves.
Because truthfully, they don’t.
Ask 95% of men to approach a woman and ask for her phone number, and they’ll sweat nervously at the very suggestion. They’ll wonder “what should I say?” “what if her friends laugh at me?” “what if she tells me to go away?”
These things all run through guys heads. Because we men are desperate to be accepted by you women.
I used to joke on my early seminars that if women ever realised the power they truly have over us men, we would be doomed as a gender. And I still mean it.
Men’s self-esteem is so wrapped up in their ability to attract women it’s crazy. It’s why guys lie and brag to their buddies about how many women they’ve slept with. It’s a way of trying to fit in, to be accepted, to be VALIDATED AS A MAN!
Look, I know men and women aren’t totally different species. We are all insecure at times and we all want to be accepted. But male acceptance is heavily built on being attractive to the opposite sex. This is why rejection for a man is so damn painful. Being shot down by a woman is the one thing that can destroy his masculinity.
So what you’ll often find is those loud guys who try and over-compensate by being cocky or too-cool-for-school, do so so that he can feel superior to women….because he’s scared of their power over him.
Unfortunately there’s a real downside to the way that so many women are completely over-estimating male confidence: it’s killing their chances of meeting great guys!
The problem is, women see the few loudest guys in the room, and they assume that all guys are the same. And then they forget about all those great guys in the background that they could have met.
When women over-estimate male confidence it can lead to two responses:
Either…
(a) She tries to be cold and aloof, or combat all that male posturing by playing super hard-to-get. She’ll repel his approaches, be cold towards his jokes, or try to be overly-aggressive so that she can combat his ego.
The problem is, there are only a tiny handful of guys who can take that kind of pressure. Meanwhile, all the great guys who would have spoken to this woman are completely intimidated by her coldness or aggressiveness
Or…
(b) She becomes timid and intimidated, and decides that she’ll simply avoid men altogether.
And as you can guess, both responses don’t work. What we need are some changes in our mindset…
1) Never judge all men based on the loudest guy in the room
Loud guys are desperate for attention and have all kinds of insecurities. Make sure you don’t extrapolate facts about all men on those few guys (imagine if men judged all women based on a few glammed-up, vacuous party girls he sees in nightclubs every week!).
2) Careful about icy exterior
It’s losing you guys and you don’t even know about. Guys who would approach a woman if she was warm and open enough, but are terrified of the ice-queen look.
3) Make men part of your social group
If you want men to seem less alien, start hanging around with more men. Get to know their hang-ups and insecurities; you’ll be amazed at how even great looking guys melt when they see the women they want to approach.
Till next time,
Matthew
Thanks for this article, Matthew. My initial reaction to men is to be intimidated, which typically makes me withdraw entirely. I’m introverted and shy, so small talk isn’t my strength… I prefer deep conversations and I’m perpetually afraid of how people view me, so it’s easier if I simply keep to myself. I hope I don’t come off as an Ice Queen, but I certainly am not calling attention to myself. I want to change that, but I don’t know how. I find the best relationships I’ve had with men have been when I’ve lived abroad, being forced to find a support system. But I’m home again and at a loss as to how to meet single men in my city. I’m 30 and most people my age have long since found partners. The only men who ever seem to be interested in me are more sexually aggressive than I’m comfortable with, coming onto me before they know anything about me, which of course scares me off immediately. How do I overcome my fear of judgment to find and let the right one in?
Unfortunately I am guilty of going cold and indifferent and then swearing off men altogether. I just feel like there’s no way *that guy* would be interested in me and then end up holding it against him. It’s my own insecurities that keep me from showing interest and getting to know someone. I feel like if I flirt and be open then they know that I’m interested, making me vulnerable to get turned down, or ridiculed. I know it’s dumb, esp. since I’m not unattractive and am very fun and outgoing when I get to know people. I’m very intimidated by the kind of men I want to attract. And I do attract them, but then I’m intimidated by them and go cold. I’m my worst enemy.
This happened to me with a girl I was head over heels for. You don’t have to show that you like him, just don’t turn him off. Let him try to contact you. It’s OK if you don’t want to let him know you’re interested just don’t tell him that you aren’t. Don’t tell him to stop pursuing you or to get another girl because eventually he will do it. It’s better not to say anything at all. If he’s into you he will follow your pace.
I am at the same situation as you but I am not cold.Im really open and love talking with people, even to strangers. The thing is that I am the kind of girl that:
a)Or doesn´t know if the boy is interesed on her.
b) Or on porpuse is the kind that is only friend.
I´m my worse enemy too. How sad, for God´s sake…
Hey Moonlightshadow,
It’s very common for someone to go through those two things. Both stem from confidence issues. Often when we commonly are unsure of whether someone likes us, it’s because we are unsure of ourselves – we doubt too much whether someone could like us, instead of just assuming they do! The second issue of being the friend also stems from this confidence issue, because you know that it’s safer to be someones friend (something you are good at) than to try to flirt and be more (something you are probably less practiced at). Ultimately finding a real connection will always be a risk because it comes with the possibility of rejection, but take comfort in knowing EVERYONE gets rejected. It’s ok!
M x
This is some good stuff! I really enjoyed it and never thought of this. I do over estimate male confidence. Thanks for reminding me that they’re normal people. just like me! :D
Hey matt!!
this article is really good. it got me seeing guys from a different side. :) I don’t tend to, but sometimes when I meet them and they have the arrogant, loud, and aggressive side to them, I can’t help but keep my distance from them. although I am aware that everyone is different and I shouldn’t judge them on that, but it makes it soo hard, kinda like first impressions. I am
usually interest in a man who catches my attentions. haha it’s funny I guess …
Thank you Matt for all your great insight. I didn’t have a strong male model growing up, so that impedes an early knowledge of what you teach about men behaving confident and loud, but meaning the opposite. Or other nuances that mean something different. At this point, I need structure; a guide to follow, make that body language in tune with the structure. That’s where your great insight, caring and sincerity in your words are taken and implemented in a carte blanche manner.
Sincerely, Marilyn
This post is very accurate! I’ve been both a and b (icy and timid) at different points in my life. I’m 20 and only now am I even beginning to make male friends comfortably. But now that I am, I’m learning so much and being much warmer with them and other men! A guy friend was once devastated that this a girl he had thought might be “the one” (I didn’t even realize guys thought of “the one” too!) told him she didn’t want to go out on a 3rd date with him. Another guy friend confessed that he once went out with a girl that only admitted when she broke up with him that she was never really interested in him but just wanted to be with someone. He looked so sad and hurt telling me this! But you know, it makes sense. Guys are people too, so of course rejection affects them as well. Some part of me knew it, but didn’t really process how deeply it affected them too until my guy friends actually started to talk to me about it. We girls always tell ourselves (especially in college, I feel) that the guys are “only after one thing” and not really in for an emotional connection but that’s not true at all. It’s like you say Matthew, it’s also about where and how you meet the guy. Meeting a guy at a college party versus meeting a guy in a study group, even if it’s the same guy, sends out a completely different signal. Haha this ended up waaaay longer than I intended, so anyways… Thanks for the post :)
3) Make men part of your social group.
I’ve had difficulty with this actually, and hence difficulty relating to men in general. Two years ago I realised (or found out) that all my close guy friends are gay and since then I realised this is actually a thing like I haven’t related to straight guys, even if I go to places they hang out or have activities with them in it.
Ideas? Perhaps I’m projecting all sorts of judgments onto them I’m not aware of..
xx,
Catt
I’m so glad that you share your wisdom with us!!! Thank you!!!
Great!!!Thank you Matt!!!!!!That is actually so true!!!!!
This article is real insightful and really useful! ~~ x
Thanks for this article and information Matt
I use it.
Good like
This article has struck a chord with me. I met a guy through a friend and we went out a couple of times as friends while he was on holiday. We live in different countries and after he went home we kept in touch by Facebook and text. We now talk every day by phone. I am returning to my home country for a holiday and going to see him for 3 days during which he invited me to stay in his house. He has also said he will visit my home town next year when I am due to return again. There are times when he calls me really sweet names and is lovely on the phone. At other times he calls me mate and sounds a bit distant. I still don’t know what to expect when I visit him……are we still just friends. This article gave me the confidence to just wait and see what happens……and not panic when he doesn’t say what I expect or want to hear.
Hi Matthew
Thanks for the help that you are giving us.That is me.I`ve been hurt before so i put a shield before me so thet i wont let any man in of been afraid of getting hurt again.I wish that will change soon.
Thank you.
Rachel
I don’t know why but even if it’s just platonic interest, I’ve always felt anxiety whenever I would approach the opposite sex. I just need to remember that men have the same fears as us–rejection. Thanks Matthew.
Thanks for the reminder Matt, it’s not often that us girls take a step back and think about what the man is going through. But will definitely be getting my cool, calm and collected flirt on!
I adore your articles!
I feel like I can never make myself vulnerable because I’m afraid to get rejected. And making guys part of your social group, I found interesting because I do. I go to a college with a high percentage of women, but I’ll find myself at a table full of guys and I wonder how that happened. But they’re just about only ever aquaintences.
Wow! really amazing article. Thanks for that Math. I would like to know something more about it if it’s possible :D
Referring to the first female response described in your article- which says that women might start playing hard to get with the guy… would it actually be a good idea to do so, in order to see how much pressure this guy can take? -trollface-
I have a question: how do you let a guy know you like him without being too obvious and without giving the impression he has already won you over? How to make him feel that he still has to fight to win you over if you already give him the OK? I’ve always had that dilemma: how do you keep yourself a high-value woman if you already let him know he’s won you over? I think that’s the whole problem when starting off, especially if it’s the woman who is interested and wants to start a relationship with a man, how to approach a guy without making her intentions obvious? How to make him feel he’s made the decision on his own? That’s the catch.
High-value women don’t play hard to get. They go out with who they like. Women that play hard to get have low self-esteem and are trouble. I always stay away from them.
Even after 7 years the guy I’ve been seeing sometimes says he can’t believe I picked him over “all” the other guys. Men are definitely not as confident as we think.