Are Men REALLY Turned Off By Intelligent Women?? THE TRUTH!

It’s often believed that there is an unfair bias against those women with high IQ’s in dating. Women are attracted to smart men, they say, but guys feel threatened by women who challenge them too much in the brains department.

But is that stereotype actually true??

In this week’s blog video, I’m going to reveal the 100% honest answer based on my research on men and attraction. If you’re a smart person and have ever felt compelled to hide your knowledge from guys in conversation, then you REALLY need to hear this advice…

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84 Replies to “Are Men REALLY Turned Off By Intelligent Women?? THE TRUTH!”

  • I thoroughly enjoy the way you articulate the differences. I think social intelligence is so overlooked but even more so emotional intelligence. I would love to hear your thoughts on being emotionally aware of ones self as well as emotionally aware of others. Though social and emotional awareness may share similar qualities, they differ drastically as well. I’ve met many men who are funny and confident and all around good men l, yet their emotional intelligence is that of a young boy. I find the most frustrating part the fact I see the dysfunctions and they do not. Thanks for your insight. It is refreshing and sobering.

    1. I agree! It would be helpful to see some thoughts about emotional intelligence, and how to recognise the lack of it!

    1. between the martini and the pipe, for a healthier alternative – I will get you some apple juice in a martini glass.

  • Thanks for addressing an issue that is not really brought up by most. Formerly I wondered as to if this intelligence with attraction combination really worked,or was true. Great video. Very helpful. Please post more of such videos in the future.

  • I’m happy for this topic from you sweet Matt.
    Thanks for an intelligent advice.
    This is what i was wonder and a bit afraid to show how I am sometimes,
    but i already know when i feel not comfortable to show how I am with that peoples means he/her are maybe not suit me, and like you say when we are intelligent it’s attract to peoples intelligent around you, that’s so good :))
    And i think everybody that feel happy with this topic are intelligent ;)

    love you <3

  • What a perfect way of dealing with the intelligence question. Totally agree with what you say (and I don’t say that often to anyone :)).

  • Hello Matthew! I thought your comments were spot on. You find smart people where smart people enjoy being.
    I have a good I.Q. and I am a pretty 5’9″ woman with a lovely figure, but I’m too tall for many guys. As you can guess, they like to look, but that’s as far as it usually goes. My dating pool isn’t as large as I would like, however, I have the advantage of not attracting the truly insecure.
    Once I do get to know someone, this odd thing happens. The man in question starts respecting me…a lot. I get friended, however, they still seem attracted. Which means the only men who seem to feel they deserve me….are total narcissists. Ugh! This is my dilemma.

    1. Thanks for this topic Matt! I’m so glad to hear that not I’m the only one struggling to find the matching partner in intelligence! Do you have maybe some ideas how to find that special group where similar minded people are? I’m wondering about it for a time now…

    2. Hey JJ,
      I’m 5’11” and I consider “too tall” merely a social construct. Whoever decided that “the man” should be taller than “the woman” I don’t know. I’ve never allowed height to limit my options when it comes to dating (believe me, I have plenty of other deal breakers) and have found men get excited to date me–it’s like the height difference is an extra challenge. Many of my boyfriends have been shorter than me, the shortest of which was 5’6″

  • Really like the distinction you make in the types of intelligence. I consider myself socially intelligent in that respect that I can have conversations with everybody independent of their social or academic background. The other remark on the size of the pound to fish in, is very relevant as well. My boyfriend made exactly the same comment last week, we are both (socially) intelligent, but in a relationship we like to have meaningful and deep conversations on all kinds of topics and this makes it much harder for us to find the right partner to settle with.
    However, I would like tp point out that it is also very challenging to be intelligent in a relationship as we (especially women) tend to overanalyze everything (and get frustrated) as well as tend to talk from our mind instead of from our hearts and try to connect on inttelectual rather than emotional level.
    I believe the main issue is thus not actually being intelligent and whether or not men are threathened by it, but the fact that many intelligent women try to connect on an intellectual rather than an emotional level which will never lead to a long lasting relationship (except in business).

  • I think he’spot on. It kind of reminded me of what my mother used to tell me when I made snide comments when I was younger: if you really are smart, it will show. No need to rub it In. “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required”. If you truly are the smartest person In the room, the onus is on you to contribute to the situation, it’s nobody’s job to entertain you.

  • Thanks for this topic Matt! I’m so glad to hear that not I’m the only one struggling to find the matching partner in intelligence! Do you have maybe some ideas how to find that special group where similar minded people are? I’m wondering about it for a time now…

  • Great advice, Matt. The poet Maya Angelou said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
    It’s a tough world and humor and kindness are never wasted on anyone, (even if you don’t want to date them.)

  • Matthew, thanks for your 3 tips! Yes, it’s almost depressing how the pool shrinks when trying to find a peer. But I’m optimistic. :)
    I realized about a year ago that I had to do #1 and #3 in order to increase my odds. But I recently met a very intriguing man and went for it with #2… I stepped well outside my comfort zone to begin talking with him, and we’ve been having great conversations and he’s really pursuing it all! My concern is that he may be well “out of my league”. I’m a Mensan, but after a few conversations with him I see this dude is not the 2%; he’s the 0.02%! I’ve never been the type to try to win a man over with my intelligence, and understand we just need to connect and me be my truest self. But I find myself fearing I’m inadequate and that he’ll get bored with me. Logic tells me he knows he has few mental peers on earth, and that he wants a woman he can talk with but who doesn’t have to impress him. And yet I keep slipping back into that fear and the posturing that follows it. Any advice? Thanks!!!

    1. Hi, I’d like to say congratulations on going outside your comfort zone for #2, that’s great! But, as reading your post I thought I’d relay my 2 cents. You mentioned that he is pursuing you (also great!), but, he is .02% and you are worried he may get bored. My thoughts are… first (and not necessarily in this order), he may. But, second perhaps you just need to “tweek” your worry into motivation. Maybe, you could ask him questions and learn from him, thus making you smarter, but, also connecting with him on a level that is (hopefully) genuine!

  • I have never thought intelligence was something to be ashamed of. I have always thought it something to aspire to, hence why I read so much and try to educate myself and learn…

    Listening to your comments though its finally made sense to me why some think I am intelligent when reality is that I have a long way to go… Seems my “faking it” is working!

    I have found that many who consider themselves to be intelligent are actually pompous asses… they blame intellect but its basic manners that are lacking… I love that heady combination of brains and a bit of daftness. Its so dull to have your head shoved up your own backside all the time and it doesn’t smell of roses either…

    Thanks Matt.

  • I guess I’m quite intelligent. Everyone says so but maybe I’m not really. I guess my “problem” is that I’m very very picky on men (which might be a result of my intelligence). I just cannot bother having a man by my side that suffocates me… I’m kinda rather on my own most of the time and in the meantime I love meeting my girlfriends. I even had guys assuming I’m lesbian. But I guess this is not true. I like men. Good, Im almost 30 now, I never had a boyfriend yet I’m a woman that turns heads. This is all very weird.
    And it is really weird because I use to attract men (or boys) that think, oh my, she is pretty, then again I don’t want a man (or boy) that likes me just because I’m pretty or something. I kind of also tend to like men that are out of my league or better said, TAKEN.
    Okay, this all has nothing to do anymore with intelligence. But I spend ages reflecting and reading on relationships, trying to better myself– and I kind of have the notion that the better a person I become the less men are a match for me (meaning, that they could help me evolve).
    We live in times now, where one can choose what kind of live to live and at times I ask myself, yeah, why having a relationship with a man? For security? I’ve become a master in making appointments with my girlfriends. The only real thing that I’d probably realy want a an is so he can push me forward… this is what men are capable of… VERY complicated. Yeah. This is my and I believe the reason I actually am bad at having a relationship is really myself ;)
    Anyways, thank you for sharing your knowledge with us women!!! Your videos are nevertheless fruitful!!!

  • I don’t think that intelligent people are also socially intelligent. Socially intelligent is not the same thing as intelligent. That’s just having good social skills and doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is “intellectually elite”. There are those of us (like myself) that are very intelligent people that have high IQs that find it difficult in social situations. Sure, I can have an interesting conversation with fellow intellectuals and then have a conversation with the average Joe (if I can get past my awkwardness). But I don’t think that’s the issue. I feel like there are a lot of very knowledgable and smart people out there that end up almost “waisting” their time with people who can’t compete with them intellectually. I can tell you that no guy I have ever dated has been anywhere near my level and those relationships weren’t very gratifying at all. And I’m not trying to be mean, but they just weren’t capable of having profound academic or social conversations. It’s very hard when you’re interested in a guy and you find out that every guy you had a chance with simply can’t keep up, even when you’re not making it difficult. And it also sucks when the guys you like are out of your league socially. Like there are people that are “too cool for me”, and not necessarily because everybody in the world knows this person but because their personality and the way they carry theirself is too cool for me. For me personally, a lot guys avoid me because I think they can tell that I won’t be easy and because of my maturity. People like to say that I can be wise beyond my years, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to have fun! I just never have the right people to have fun with! With all that being said, I find that it is so hard to find good HOT guys that will match you intellectually but also know how to have good time. Like where are they!? I’ve never seen one! I feel like they’re so rare! At this rate, it’ll take me forever to find the guy I’m looking for!

    1. I appreciated your response. I think I agree with you that not all “intellectually elite” are also “socially intellectual”, but, I think that what Matt is saying is that a person shouldn’the try to talk above people and if someone finds that they are doing this, then they should meet that person (or people) on “their level” and it may elicit a different response. I think this is also a way to “learn” social intelligence.

  • hey matthew I’d love to come to one of your classes.Iv’e been trying to contact you about this on the email but you didn’t answered. so I’m waiting for your answer
    thank you
    p.s I really loved what you said on this video I really could relate to that.
    my email –

  • I think you missed the mark on those of us who are introverted and yet intelligent. No we don’t take any joy in working a room. But have a quiet intuition ( applied intelligence, perhaps) that shows up more as nurturing, the ability to seek win/win and advocate for others, that many men can appreciate. It’s not quickly evident of course. Society however values personality over character…. but character is what takes relationships the distance.

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