You’re on a date with a guy.
You’re both sharing stories. He tells you that he plays the guitar. You notice that he seems really proud when he tells you about playing his first gig.
Then without missing a moment, you start enthusiastically telling him about your friend who’s also in a band, is the best guitarist you’ve ever seen, and has just released an album.
Suddenly, his eyes narrow and he seems emotionally checked out, maybe even hurt.
Why? What happened?
In this week’s video, I’m going to reveal why this kind of “story-trumping” is so dangerous, and why it can be such a turnoff to guys in dating.
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91 Replies to “Never Make This Flirting Mistake Again If You Want To Attract Guys…”
We want him again !
Nice video guys, thank you. ;)
Thank you Ali :D x
Steve! Always happy to see him. :)
I think it would be hilarious to see you two role play some of the scripts! You are both so naturally funny… it would be fabulous.
I agree – that would be funny!!
Haha Great idea ;)
Steve exudes intelligence and he adds a different but complimentary view alongside Matt. I’m actually mortified that I’ve ever done this and I probably have, given that I’m aware not to do it! I think I’m now afraid to open my mouth, currently having a crisis of confidence. I went in an ‘erotic’ boutique yesterday and felt very happy with myself that I’m having the confidence to try stuff on, with the girl assistant present in the changing room. Telling me to scoop up my boobs into the lingerie. I’m okay with this. Then we go look at toys etc and it’s suddenly completely surreal. She’s the prettiest girl, a lot younger, telling me with a completely straight face, which positions are best with which one. I’m looking at her beautiful face and all I can see is the most beautiful engagement ring and I’m wondering where I’ve been going wrong all these years. She sorted me out with a whole big bag of amazing stuff assuring me at the till it would be worth it. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking all my life!!
Clearly in need of some guidance and the age of the person giving it is not an issue, in fact quite the opposite. xx
Wow, such a great message Kathryn, thanks for sharing! Really appreciate your lovely comments about the video as well. X
Yeay we’ll have Steve back.
Ok I try to do P retty much everything you suggest BUT I’m told I’m still giving off the ” unavailable” vibe.
I’m pretty sure it’s because I don’t trust my decision making process with guys any more. ( on the other side of an 17 year marriage)
How do I over come this?
Guys love being with women who seem open and positive about the future. You can do that and still be discerning about who you let into your life, but the crucial thing here is to give people the most chance possible to show you who they are. If you hide away, you’ll miss so many great guys as well as bad ones. Yes, there will be people who don’t impress you or who fall below expectations, but there are also men who are trustworthy, decent, honest, loving people who deserve a chance to prove that to you – so make sure you let them! ;)
What an absolutely spot on topic! !
Are you grooming Steve to take over so you can move onto other things? !
Double Hussey is a good combo.
haha I don’t think I could ever fill Matt’s shoes even if I wanted to! I have a feeling he’ll be sticking around…;P
I LOVE Steve! Please have him back! :D Lovely video, by the way.
Thank you! :D :D
Question for Steve: If I were telling a first date I had been to China, it wouldn’t be coming from a place of trying to impress, it would be to communicate what my passions and interests are. (Also to gauge if this is a passion of his, because I can’t imagine a life w/out travel.) Anyway, if I were talking about my trip to China and he was asking all sorts of questions and acting ‘impressed’ but then I found out at a later date that he had also been to China–esp. to the same places–and never mentioned it, I would find that extremely odd. Likewise, if my date said to me they’d been to China and I withheld the info that I had been there too, that would just be a socially odd choice, and I would feel uncomfortable–almost dishonest–asking questions about a place I had already been to without at least letting them know I’d been there. It would be embarrassing to find out someone let you go on and on about something they already know, maybe even better than you. I understand the concept of letting someone shine, but to intentionally withhold info that would naturally be disclosed just to stroke someone’s ego almost seems intentionally manipulative (or something). Thoughts?
I think the model I outlined in the video answers this problem:
Step 1. Acknowledge,
Step 2. Compliment,
Step 3. Show interest (with a follow-up question)
Step 4. Offer your own experience
So for example:
Him: “I went to the Far East this year. Shanghai was one of the
coolest cities I’ve ever seen.”
Her: “Oh wow, China is incredible. That’s so fun that you went
there! Did you find it a culture shock?”
Him: “It was pretty different! The food was so cheap and the city was crazy. So much fun though, I was working there for three months in a property firm.”
Her: “That’s so cool. I went to China about five years ago, and managed to get to Shanghai for a bit. What was your favourite part of it?”
An example like that lets you weave in your own experiences naturally instead of dominating someone else’s story. It’s not so much about when you tell him “I’ve been to China as well”. It’s about giving him space to share his own experience and taking a moment to acknowledge how cool it is and share his excitement BEFORE you jump in with your own story.
Hope that makes sense!
I was guilty of Story-Trumping until I learned about this huge mistake from you, and it has truly changed everything for me. It’s amazing how something small and subtle can do that. Anyway, I can guess it might take a little while for you get comfortable in front of the camera, Steve, but if this is the kind of material you’re coming up with, then — YES! PLEASE DO MORE!
There’s no doubt that Matthew is just—well—amazing, delightful, insanely knowledgeable, and PERFECT at his delivery of this content. And he’s just soft on the eyes, both with looks, paralanguage, etc. (OH MY!!!) That being said, bring on Stephen as well! Together, or separate, you both have a lot to share. Your delivery together is really good. And yes, Stephen is also extremely yummy. (I had to get that in: it’s all part of the flirting techniques I’ve been taught—and that come naturally.) So yes—bring on Stephen. And should he ever need an amazing girlfriend (-; I think I can make myself available.
Love your content. The best info! And feel as if you genuinely “have our backs”. Yes, you make us feel safe. (-;
Thanks so much Lori – I’ll try to live up to Matt’s already incredible example! Hope I can bring you much more great stuff :)
Commented on YouTube but first time commenting on blog! Great advice. I realized I did this exact thing yesterday when connecting with a guy. He had just gotten back from a trip to Florida so my instinct was to ask why, but then I thought “well is he going to think I’m being nosey?” So instead I told him about my upcoming trip to Florida. Doh! Then I saw yalls video! How do you ask questions without seeming bothersome or nosey? Or should I have just assumed since he offered the info he wanted me to ask more?
Most people will be willing to open up as long as they don’t feel like they are being judged or interrogated for information. Ask him if he had a good time and what the best thing he did there was, or ask him if he likes going there and he’ll open up about the trip and what he was doing.
Thanks for this Stephen! I, too, feel like there is so much to learn, but the videos are very helpful! Btw, I’m signed up for the May retreat!! And I’m excited and terrified (excited for Florida, but terrified of the soul searching)
Thanks for all you guys do to help us ladies out!
What’s beginning to make me disheartened is that there seems to be so many rules and regulations around all the myriad mistakes we women can and do make on a date or with a guy.
I really appreciate you giving us tips and they are well noted, but surely dating can’t always be this difficult! I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and have to remember a 1000 rules not to fuck up!
We all mess up all the time. I think Matt and I aren’t saying “DO this or you’ll NEVER find a great relationship” lol Some of our tips are just based on stories of things that we notice and things we can all improve on. We all make mistakes though and can always stand to improve our social interactions. And by the way, one of the sexiest traits in anyone is being able to admit they are flawed but still working at improving themselves regardless.
I really like how this message doesn’t just stand on its own, though it could and does, but links to your other blogs about the male ego. We don’t want to quash it, especially not in the beginning of dating, as whether there are lots of things to remember or not, what a man wants is to feel really good about himself. He won’t feel like a man if he’s constantly feeling usurped. It’s why the guy doing Grimsby impressions was feeling good. He was showing off and I was letting him. Have to say as I was trying on my lingerie there were some lovely boyfriends coming in the shop. From behind the curtain I could hear one lovely chap had been in two times that day! Bless him. But, things you wish your mother told you, I am so happy I have a piece of lingerie I chose. It’s very flattering, it’s something I will wear and feel like a goddess. It’s what the girl at the till said, it’s all about the confidence and I think she’s got it spot on, like you have Steve and Matt.
What do you think about getting serious with someone? Is it a series of mutual conversations with the two of you or do you just not ever say anything? I’ve always had ppl rush quickly into very serious relationships so now that it’s a slow process idk how it’s supposed to go.
We talk about this more in our How To Talk To Men product, but essentially it can be a progression of conversations up until a point in which you both formally talk about exclusivity and ask what the other sees as the future together. It should be very comfortable and open if you know the person well: essentially, if they get very cagey and scared by talking about it at all, then you know they weren’t serious in the first place!
I’m the cagey, scared one! Lol! Thanks Stephen. I have that one – I’ll start looking at it again Xx
Loved you in the video :) It made/makes me happy to see you two play off each other and work as a team. You are so poised, and I smile when I watch you. Much love, Stephen. Thanks for your advice above. I’m a much better version of myself since you and your brother have come into the mix. Appreciate you tons! Xoxo (Big huge virtual hug and kiss)
How to love yourself as you are ? I hope you touch this topic in the future .
Wow, that’s a truly BIG topic Salma, one I can’t do justice to here. This is something we really dive into on our retreat programme. At it’s core, loving yourself is about always being on your side, being your own best friend, and speaking to yourself in caring ways. It’s reflected in your actions, thoughts, and the people you choose to spend time with. If in doubt, ask yourself: “If I were advising someone I truly cared about, what would I tell them in this moment?” then tell that to yourself.
That’s just scratching the surface but hope it helps!
Hi Salma. Yes I totally would benefit from more videos on REALLY loving ourselves fr who we are. One intetesting fact pointed out to me is that THERE IS ONLY ONE OF US, WE ARE SPECIAL & UNIQUE. Hope u hve a lovely day.Gigi :)
Great video, no doubt (probably we should thank Jameson, you sexy flirter you ;)) )
Loved it! We should see Stephen more often. I suggest something more impressive circumstances next time (fireworks, shampagne shooting and Hawaiian shirts will do ;) )
Greetings from Warsaw ;) Have a good one!
P.S. @Matthew, Stephen just hacked your Periscope :PP
Haha Thanks so much Joanna, really appreciate that. I have quite the selection of hawaiian shirts…
Steven, you come from a family of smartiesall of you either going on to get advanced degrees or starting awesome businesses! ,How do you feel is though your degree (congrats btw) has helped you?
Thanks anon, so glad you enjoyed it. All best, Stephen x
Love that you’re becoming a part of the youtube videos and hope that Matt will have you join him more often. I know that a lot of your content is focused on getting the guy but it would be great to see you branch out into different topics in some videos. That being said I would really enjoy your input on a situation that I have going on at the moment. When being faced with an overwhelming task/goal how do you keep yourself energized enough to push through to the end when you have already given up most forms of relief such as socializing and sleep? Thank you again for everything that you have contributed to propelling us toward our goals and can’t wait to see more of you!
Thanks so much Gaby. Let me first say that sleep is super-important! Please don’t skimp on it too often because it matters so much when it comes to keeping your health and energy up. Other ways to keep energized for me include remembering my WHY (i.e. “Why does this matter to me? Why is it crucial I make this happen”?) and I also keep up momentum by telling myself that even giving a tiny bit today is better than nothing. Even 20 mins at the gym or going for a run is better than no exercise. Even 200 words of writing is better than leaving a blank page. Even 5 minutes on a plan is better than not making one at all.
When you’re overwhelmed, break down things into priorities and find a way to say “no” or shut out the areas that aren’t really important. Often overwhelm is just an emotional state that you can break with two things: 1. action, 2. knowing what really matters and knowing WHAT you should be working on right now.
Hope that helps!
That’s really good advice. I’m saving it in my phone notes.
Hi Stephen and Matthew! It’s amazing all the work you are doing. I hope you will keep sharing all this knowledge and positive energy around the world. :) It’s great to see both brothers in a video together. You should keep doing it as much as distance will let you :) Stephen you did it quite natural, it’s nice to see someone on YouTube that can be a bit nervous about audience, but this shows also respect and honesty. :) Your brother is a magician of communication so you would be able to learn and practice a lot with him. You do a great team! :) One day you should talk about relationships with family and how it’s having a friendship with your brother and also work together. I do it with my lovely sister and I feel really lucky because of it :) Congrats for everything! Keep showing up :) Xx
Ooh there’s so much to think about, I don’t think I’m up to this. Although I am not someone who likes to be one up, probably more self deprecating. Humour is great thing though. We were at a home education group and one of the dads was being so funny the whole session. He ended up doing impressions from the new Grimbsy movie and I was cracking up. My son took me on one side and said, ‘oh no, don’t go falling in love’. But there’s nothing like having a good laugh.
What are some things a man might say about himself n a date that should trigger a red flag?
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