You may see me being a little harsh (maybe even a little overly harsh ; ) here, but for all of those who consider themselves to be ‘too nice’, this is one of those cruel to be kind moments.
I have never met someone who is TRULY nice.
I’ve met people who are honest, who are earnest, I’ve met people who are generous and kind, but I’ve never met someone who is ‘nice’.
I find that people who say they are ‘nice’ are using it as a euphemism for being spineless and not rocking the boat.
Not only is that unimaginably boring, but it also means you’re dealing with someone who you don’t really know.
You don’t know what a nice person is really feeling, or what they’d truly like to do.
You ask them for their preference and they don’t give you a straight answer. They’re not honest about their feelings towards other people, or things that aggravate and annoy them. They just keep things on an even keel the entire time, holding onto the charade of being ‘nice’.
As I think about this subject, I think about the film ‘The Mask’.
I remember being struck on seeing this film by how much of a nice guy Jim Carey’s character Stanley Ipkiss is to begin.
He’s known for having finished a piece called ‘Nice Guys Finish Last’, as he somewhat nobly sees himself as a nice guy (and who in some ways resents the world because of it).
What we find when he puts on the mask is that he becomes a different character.
He becomes bold, edgy, and uncompromising. He becomes a force that drives towards whatever he wants, whether it’s women or money, and he goes after what he wants.
Now, he becomes a very unattractive extreme of this, but we know it’s a caricature of how he would actually like to be.
He hates when he’s a nice guy, and doesn’t respect that version of himself.
I find that nice people don’t stay nice forever. They often become bitter or resentful.
They get angry at the world for being treated badly, and they get angry at themselves for allowing others to walk all over them.
The insidious thing about niceness is that it can actually hurt the people it’s intended to please.
In being nice you’re not honest with the people you’re trying to please, you don’t give opinions that people need to hear, you don’t cut someone down when they need cutting down… And it can actually end up hurting the people it’s intended to help.
The phrase, ‘to be cruel to be kind’, is a very telling one.
Very often we have to have a sense of cruelty to tell someone something that will benefit them.
I believe KIND people deserve the world.
Kind people should be given every award and every bit of recognition. Kind people make the world a better place.
As an extension to idea that ‘nice guys finish last’, I put to you that nice guys SHOULD finish last.
Question Of The Day:
Are you guilty of being too nice? In what ways can you tilt the balance in favour of being kind rather than nice?
119 Replies to “Nice Guys SHOULD Finish Last”
I understand where you’re coming from, but how do you differentiate niceness from kindness?
Niceness is just not trying to offend anyone, youre so accomodating that your making yourself so small so you can fit the tiniest of space. youre suffocating yourself basically. Thinking people will like you more.
Kindness comes from generosity of the heart. True kindness is caring for other people. Its empathy. Without compromising yourself and your standards.
But didnt Matthew explain all this in the video?
This is so good, Matthew. So true too. I find the assertiveness I’m cultivating in my dating life to transcend into my family, friends, and work life too. It all connects, and this is such a good point. I’ve known so many people to use ‘nice’ as a crutch, and it’s really infuriating. I’m glad you agree!
Very insightful! Thank you!
I have been too nice at times. I can tilt the balance of this by resisting the fear of challenging the status quo when necessary. Fear is selfish because how I feel or may be looked at by others should not prevent me from saying or doing what needs to be done. Also cruel to be kind means considering another’s well being so much that you risk yourself receiving ridicule or rejection as a result of your forthrightness with them.
Glad to see the the question of the day again :) Miss your responses Matt ;)
Much love and big hug to you!
Fear is not selfish. How cruel to say that! Fear is an emotion we all have and may I ad it, should have. Cause it prevents us from doing stupid shit. Like putting your hand on a hot stove. People without fear arent courageous. They have something wrong with their head.
Fear is actually a fuel for many people. The ones that use it as it should be used and dont run. The way I see it, it’s a test of inner strength. Its a way of redefining your personal beliefs. Of what is possible, for you as an individual aswell on a global scale.
I did not say all fear is selfish. I referred to it in the context of it preventing me from doing what needed to be done not in general or as a rule. Your point that fear in the context of preventing one from doing something stupid or I would also say harmful is good. So fear can be good or bad depending on how it affects behavior.
I should have said fear CAN BE selfish not IS selfish.
I totally agree with you. My recent horrible experience was the “nicest” guy I had ever met. He treated me like a princess, I finally had thought I found my price charming, he did whatever I wanted to do, he agreed with most things I said, he laughed at my every jokes, I always thought this guy is manly, confident and at the same time so nice! How is that possible, then I had my revelation, until there was a bump in me moving to his city, which I was suppose to, and he disappeared. Our last conversation was amazing, he was suppose to meet me in couple of weeks, and I never heard from him again! And I realized; he was fake, he wasn’t nice, he was just a coward, he always agreed, and he always did what I wanted to do because he didn’t have the nerve to do it his way, and at the end he didn’t have the nerve to say good bye, a coward. Even if he was just looking for a good time, he was still a coward. So for me now, nice guys do’t excited, either fake ones or real ones.
Oh Poor Jameson!!
Matthew is being cruel to be kind. To Jameson next time do put your face first on the camera before you let this big-KitKat-bro rant. Matth…honestly I think you can do better about this topic.. but I love your philosophy, Be Cruel to Be Kind. See, I am glad that you get my mean girl concept. Yay!!!! I love you coach!
Sooo very true Matthew, I have noticed over time that nice people actually piss me off :)because they have no conviction regarding anything. Who wants to be mundane their whole life making no waves and just going with the flow. There is certainly a difference between “nice” A.K.A fake to being kind…and actually which is my most men probably get offended when you call them nice..lol
Thanks again for your insight, so fun to watch.can’t wait to see you live in NY
I am nice and I am proud of being NICE. I like to blend in and not upset the apple cart. If people over step the mark I am no pushover. Nice people are a necessity in society otherwise we would all go around screaming and making demands on other people to accommodate our every need. I like being polite, throwing my rubbish in the bin, and wiping the toilet seat after I use it for the next person.
I think youre confusing niceness with kindness. Theres nothing wrong with being polite. Or accomodating yourself once in a while. Thats not his point. His point is that you can go around afraid all your life, never upsetting anyone and thinking that will make anyones life better.
I liked this one!! I agree.
Another Brilliant subject!
You just give me a lot to think about, AS ALWAYS!
Your words continue to help me grow into my best self and stand up for my convictions peacefully :)
I think I became addicted to your words! :D
Keep it up
Very very true. I have always thought nice is boring and not to be trusted. I’m glad I’m not alone. thanks!
You hit THAT nail right on my head! I was always taught to not rock the boat, but I don’t please anyone, even myself! And being “nice” is a manipulation of sorts, isn’t it? A friend told me that life is messy, and I am trying to be messy (ex. rocking said boat, making a scene, etc.) That is real and that is life. Thank you for all your videos, I am learning about men and myself and why we have never been together for very long… Things will be changing!
I believe that you can be nice and still not compromise on your standards and honesty. I think its not being nice that’s the problem its knowing when to be nice when to be honest or when to be a little bold. But i think niceness boldness and honesty can all go hand in hand you just have to know where to draw the line.
I agree. I liked the Jim Carey’s character better at the end of the movie. I respect someone more who is honest and tells the truth, even if it might hurt my feelings a little, more than someone who evades the issue. You know you can trust them and that they have your best interests at heart or you may learn they are just a mean person you do not want to associate with, depending on delivery, either way you learn a lot more about that person than you would otherwise.
Wow…great video!!! i think i was “nice” but soon i learnt that we should be honest with ourselves in the first place before just please other people….so, to do that we shouldn t neglect our caracter and thoughts and ideas and dreams…we need to live life for ourselves and not live for other people…being nice,neglecting what you want..sometimes we have trouble in our life and think its a disastrer because we dont deserved….(specially when u are too nice) or thinking people will do to you, the same thing you do for everybody…and sadly the world doesnt work like that….like you sais matt once: “people have to deserve your time” and your kindness…THANKS FOR YOUR VIDEO, because its so important for my sister who have so many problems because she is to nice….and then, people arent… :X THANKS MATT!
WOW !! Bang On !! I so wish my ex boyfriend could see this, he is incredibly ‘nice’ and kind and bl**dy awesome in EVERY way….. unfortunately because he has always been soooooo ‘Nice’ he has been crapped A LOT !! He’s always said nice guys finish last. The damaged caused from this meant I tried to walk on egg shells so as not to to be put in the same dreaded ‘let him down’ bin…… I failed due to stupid chicky foot faults (being too self absorbed, insecure and emotionally suffocating, ‘GUILTY’ as charged !!) and there is no room for forgiveness what so ever …..
I Hope he stops being so bloomin’ ‘Kind’ then ‘used’ and maybe someday I pray he can find someone that could make him truly happy he deserves it !!!!
Usually when I use the word “nice” i mean kind. But I recognise that when other people use that word it is usually, in your words “a euphemism for being spineless.”
ANd those guys complaining about how they are nice but girls still don’t like them? Those guys don’t seem actually nice to me: at least not in the sense of kindness.
I´ve never thought I would comment on one of your videos (though I´ve seen them all so far), but you just hit the nail here.
I used to be that “nice” person who wanted to be a friend with everyone, who didn´t want to cross someone. I now deal with a problem where I became the bad guy and by being bold and straight with my opinions on that person, but I couldn´t leave it be anymore.
I want to be (seen as) kind, not nice, because being nice means being silent, living in my head. I just hope more people around me will understand that the fact that I tell them my opinion and don´t remain silent doesn´t mean I want to be mean and I like hurting them.
Thank you for sharing your thought on the subject, you´ve got a supporter here :)
This is the kick in the pants I need. I’m a nice person, but I learnt to be “nice” while married to someone who turned out to be horrid. I wasn’t aloud an opinion, so gradually I came to never have one – not even an unexpressed opinion.It’s taken a while but I’m getting back to my old self, but needed that straight talk from you. Thanks Matt!
Wow ok…I was that “nice” girl before, but a sort of change this attitude, because life taught me so. Thank you for reminding me Matt!
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