You may see me being a little harsh (maybe even a little overly harsh ; ) here, but for all of those who consider themselves to be ‘too nice’, this is one of those cruel to be kind moments.
I have never met someone who is TRULY nice.
I’ve met people who are honest, who are earnest, I’ve met people who are generous and kind, but I’ve never met someone who is ‘nice’.
I find that people who say they are ‘nice’ are using it as a euphemism for being spineless and not rocking the boat.
Not only is that unimaginably boring, but it also means you’re dealing with someone who you don’t really know.
You don’t know what a nice person is really feeling, or what they’d truly like to do.
You ask them for their preference and they don’t give you a straight answer. They’re not honest about their feelings towards other people, or things that aggravate and annoy them. They just keep things on an even keel the entire time, holding onto the charade of being ‘nice’.
As I think about this subject, I think about the film ‘The Mask’.
I remember being struck on seeing this film by how much of a nice guy Jim Carey’s character Stanley Ipkiss is to begin.
He’s known for having finished a piece called ‘Nice Guys Finish Last’, as he somewhat nobly sees himself as a nice guy (and who in some ways resents the world because of it).
What we find when he puts on the mask is that he becomes a different character.
He becomes bold, edgy, and uncompromising. He becomes a force that drives towards whatever he wants, whether it’s women or money, and he goes after what he wants.
Now, he becomes a very unattractive extreme of this, but we know it’s a caricature of how he would actually like to be.
He hates when he’s a nice guy, and doesn’t respect that version of himself.
I find that nice people don’t stay nice forever. They often become bitter or resentful.
They get angry at the world for being treated badly, and they get angry at themselves for allowing others to walk all over them.
The insidious thing about niceness is that it can actually hurt the people it’s intended to please.
In being nice you’re not honest with the people you’re trying to please, you don’t give opinions that people need to hear, you don’t cut someone down when they need cutting down… And it can actually end up hurting the people it’s intended to help.
The phrase, ‘to be cruel to be kind’, is a very telling one.
Very often we have to have a sense of cruelty to tell someone something that will benefit them.
I believe KIND people deserve the world.
Kind people should be given every award and every bit of recognition. Kind people make the world a better place.
As an extension to idea that ‘nice guys finish last’, I put to you that nice guys SHOULD finish last.
Question Of The Day:
Are you guilty of being too nice? In what ways can you tilt the balance in favour of being kind rather than nice?
So true again! You have a lot of wisdom for a young man. You are very insightful.
I love this video and it’s so true! All my life I’ve been called by so many people the “nice” girl and I always hated it, whenever I heard that I would remember the times where I didn’t stand up for myself or speak up my opinion just to be “nice”. And now I’m learning to speak up and let everyone know that I exist and won’t be walked over and I’m happier than ever! Definetely being kind is much better to everyone than just nice.
Brilliant piece of advice! Thanks!
Being nice for the sake of being nice is colourless and annoying. They look like the kids clay that finally all the different colours have mixed into an ugly dirty gray!
PS I think Jameson is very kind to you! Bastard! :P
I agree! I feel the most UNATTRACTIVE when I’m “nice” because it’s not me. Anyone who falls for my niceness is falling for a very watered-down version of myself. That’s why I get comments later on like, “I had no idea you were a little devil”, and ” I didn’t know you were so funny”. Like what the heck? why is it that I wait for people to get close to me for me to show up as who I really am? It isn’t until much later that I realize that these very same people that fell for my initial niceness are exactly the same people I would rather not hang out. Oh and this ugly niceness shows up when I’m unsure about the situation I’m in , like a new job for example.
I think you have to be a nice guy to let the woman finish first ;) ;) ;)
when I saw the title that is exactly where my mind went as well. LOL
Ha ha! I didn’t catch that the first time around. Yes, I wouldn’t mind finding a “nice” guy like that ;)
Hi matthew i will honestly answer you question of the day.
Yeah im so angry of beinig nice all THE TIME!! YEAH I ALWAYS LET PEOPLE WALKING OVER ME !!!! on my internship im the one who always must doing dishes all the day long affcourse i do aa little bit of other stuff to BUT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU I´M SICK OF IT!!! AND IM NOT EVEN GETTING PAYED FOR MY INTERNSHIP THAT´S THE WORSE THING OF IT ALL. Is not that i always want money for everything that i do but a little bit could help.
my school says if we asked why whe are not getting payed they say : Exeperience is more worth than getting payed that’s why.
IM SO ANGRY THAT I THINK FOR DOING DISHES MOST OF THE I COULD THAT SINCE I WAS 7 OR SOMETHING.
BUT IT’S THE WAY I AM i can never change the charcather you know ;).
im sorry for writing this so big but i gotta answer you question with all honesty ;)
lovely greetz Thirza From the Netherlands.
Have we met before, mr. Hussey? Because I think you just described me.
I have been living so long in my comfort zone and being NICE and waiting good stuff to happen by its own.
Only recently I have done a few steps to get out. I reached the moment in my life where I just feel so scared and lost because I realised that I had been living in like a different dimention, and then I realised I can actually step out of it and do (almost) whatever I want. But.
I still am partly there and that does not allow me to be fully creative, spontaneous or brave…and I am so scared to be stuck forever in this inbetween “dimention” of comfort zone and pursue-my-dreams zone.
It sucks to be feeling that I am being so indecisive and scared of life that is happening “outside”.
I have had many great opportunities in life and often I got them because I was brave and motivated, but I never used the opportunity I created for myself PROPERLY. So in the end what I was left with was that I had regrets of being indecisive and bucket full of regrets.
And all that is because at the end of the day I am just nice with a little hint of “trying to achieve something very boringly slowly”.
Lately as always, being all over the place with my thoughts, but yeah, that video just described me very well and made me want to leave a comment, a little piece of myself.
Maybe one day I will come back to find this video and find my comment – hopefully that day I will be a person who is happy with its life and is pursuing opprtunities, lives life to the fullest, and has someone great to share the life with.
Thank you Matthew for sharing! You are making us to become better people of the world :)
PS. I hope your radio show will be available soon also in others parts of the world for us to listen and ponder upon ;)
SO TRUEEEEE
Thank you so much for this piece Matt. If you feel like you were harsh, please don’t. Because if anyone feels you were, you were merely “being cruel to be nice” and it’s important to get this message across. Sometimes being blunt and honest is the best way and your intentions are always good, which is what counts. I’m not “nice” and I have to say it’s a huge turn off for me when people are “nice” – both men and women. I’ll be sharing this little video with a few of my friends. Keep them coming Matt. Thank you SO much. I love what has now become my little Sunday evenings rituals from MHSOL :) Night!
you should clearly define your meaning of “nice” because everything you’re saying can be easily misinterpreted and seems to promote self-centered egotism
I think in the end, all nice people end up finishing last. They live a life ‘unlived’. I can say this from personal relationship experience. Although a kind, passionate and honest person in almost all aspects of my life, I was definitely the ‘nice’ girl when it came to relationships. How BORING (lol)… and sad….but so true. Due to a lack of Core Confidence, and poor historical reference points, I was foolishly mislead to believe this is what men wanted in a relationship. No boat rocking allowed.
One way I came to this conclusion came from working in an almost all male environment for a period of time. I observed (maybe with a skewed reality) they ran from confrontation like the plague. Not attractive. Funnily enough, I found they were drawn to me because I didn’t ‘back down’ from something I believed in or felt was unjust. Then, due to my lack of knowing of the existence of a high value man, I became involved with a few of these men. Crazy, yes, but true. They may have been spineless but at least they weren’t violent and this was a step up from historical reference points. (Made me who I am today though, so not looking for pity or even empathy. Kinda proud of my journey)
Although currently single I now have all the tools I need to not settle for a ‘nice’ guy (ewe). To my great fortune, I’ve met some men who have shown me what a high value man looks like. (And a plethera of them on the Retreat-Eternally grateful-Highly recommend to all women-amazing group.) So now I have a new standard of man and more importantly i feel confident I’ll recognize these men by the the way they make me FEEL and BE myself in their presence. (The good, the bad and on occasion with time, even the ugly) yikes! ;)
PS-The love you have for Jamison is priceless. Thanks for sharing. Boys being boys-love it!
When I saw this video, I immediately thought of Tom Hiddleston(he played Loki from the Avengers)He’s such KIND gentleman and he gave me hope that there are descent guys out there. Thank you for this video, I daily struggle with being a “nice” person , but now I know to be more honest. Your the best!
P.s. Why are British men so charming?;)
Completely agree! Thank you for the different perspective on that excuse. I have actually fallen under that category in the past and thought I was doing those things to be considerate of their feelings or to make them happy. I never thought about how an honest answer may have changed their lives for the better. If they hate me for the honest answer then that’s obviously not someone I should be hanging around anyway. Great video Matt!
The movie “Anger Management” does a great job at showing a guy who is just so, soooo nice:) He lets people walk over him and is afraid of his own emotions and needs. By allowing others to treat him badly, he avoids confrontation….So the word “nice” in this case is just another word for cowardliness.
This is the first time I hear someone distinguish nice from kind, that was a very helpful video..
Thank you!
I hate the word “nice”, Nice is naff!!
Hey, Matthew! Thank you for the article, I totally agree with what you say about the Nice People. Mostly because I used to be a Nice Girl and I am still working on getting out of this pattern. Talking about synchronicity…Today I’ve just released a blog post named: 7 Signs of the Nice Girl Syndrome and How To Overcome Them (http://beingraluca.com/?p=72) hoping that my experience will help other women to brake out of it and drop the mask of being Nice. Now I see your video about the same topic. There is something in the air about the Nice Girl/Nice Guy these days :) Thanks and good night!
you are incredibly INSPIRING! I just read your whole book today and although I’m not really sure I’m ready to “create” yet, I do think you are absolutely amazing at what you do. If I could, I would totally apply for your treatment program.. who knows, maybe one day I will! Resources are definitely my issue right now! ;) keep up the good work!!!
Well then, in the spirit of not being spineless…I should share something with you. As much as I love your message & YOU! (I’ve been watching since youtube), I was disappointed recently with your organization.
It’s not a huge deal but I tried to share what happened with your team and got crickets back in return. I know you have a small team so I was being very accommodating. Plus, I was mainly trying to help you guys avoid this issue in the future. My final e-mail was not even recognized.
Anyway, it was a real bummer as I have been a huge supporter or yours and was promised something by your team. When it wasn’t delivered, I made it known and got no apology or reply. Again, no big deal (which is why I’m not sharing specifics) but thought maybe I’d feel better if I voiced my disappointment directly to you. Thanks for listening! Great video and great message, as always.
Hey, dont be kind. That treatment dont deserve kindness. Speak up.
Hi K,
Thanks for giving us a feedback, I will surely take this constructively so we can further improve on our process. But If I may ask, which email are you referring to that was not replied on. I have been checking all our conversations and I am sure I was able to reply on your message last October 8, 2013.
Please email me at support@gettheguy.co.uk so I can further assist you.
Any help would be highly appreciated.
Kind Regards,
Bie
Hey Bie,
This was unrelated to my e-mails to you. I was speaking for 6 months to another team member about the Get the Guy tour and promised product during that time.
But as an aside (regarding my e-mails to you for KtG), I did have to cancel directly with PayPal as you guys still charged me after I canceled in the e-mail with you. FYI. It’s all good though.
This was excellent and sooooo true! Thank you!