It all started with that guy from your office.
The one you go out with for drinks after work. You both share all the same interests – that art podcast you both geek out over, that movie you both can’t wait to see. Hell, you both even have a subscription to The Economist.
You go home at night thinking about him – sometimes you end up texting or having phone conversations. It makes you smile when you imagine a perfect future together.
Except for one teeny problem…
You’re not actually dating!
It happens. You fall for a guy even though there’s no real future – he has a girlfriend, he’s not looking for a relationship, or maybe he just sees you as a “friend” (ugh, f**k you universe).
But that doesn’t mean you get to wallow in self-pity. Nor does it mean you should hang on the sidelines waiting for your turn with this guy, all the while staring daggers at any woman you see him talking to.
Maybe he’s been leading you on, or maybe you misread the signals. But how you got here isn’t important right now: because when it comes to getting over someone, it’s your job to pick yourself up and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life.
So here are the next three steps you MUST take to move on from this one-sided romance:
Step 1 – Stop *playing* the role of a couple
Thought you could get away with it? Going to late-night movies together, putting your head on his shoulder, convincing yourself all the while that it’s just a great friendship.
Well, it’s time to call quits on this couple behavior.
Because no matter how much you want to be mature and just see him as a friend, if you have feelings for him you’ll be in a constant fight between your brain and your heart.
Your brain wants to keep him around for the great company, but your heart (and other parts of your anatomy) want to jump his bones and eat pizza naked in bed together. It’s an impossible battle.
No, you don’t have to have a big dramatic conversation, or any conversation at all, but just decide to set new boundaries for this relationship.
- Stop hanging out alone together
- Stop doing “datey” activities
- Lose the flirty banter and keep it friendly
It might feel a little bit like a breakup at first, but it’s better to pull this bandaid off now than be stuck in limbo for another 6 months waiting for something to magically happen.
Step 2 – Find happiness from new sources
I’ll be honest. It’s going to painful for a while. But that’s ok.
Just because you never dated, doesn’t mean you won’t feel a ton of agony from accepting the loss of this guy. It’s normal if you had strong feelings for him. Don’t be ashamed of it or try to resist your emotions.
But once you’ve gotten past the withdrawal, you need to build back yourself up again.
Chances are you’ve invested a ton of your time and emotion in this guy, which has made you dependent on his company. So now you need to find OTHER big sources of happiness (this is one of the absolute keys to solving the problem of how to get over someone at any point in your life).
Go to environments that are totally different from the places you’d usually have gone with him. Get a support system of great friends around you who support you and make you feel appreciated. Take up some exercise and sweat out your frustrations for a month (getting fit in the process will just be a bonus!).
The sooner you derive happiness and fulfilment from new sources, the sooner you’ll be able to emotionally disconnect from your relationship with this guy.
And yes, you then need to start going on dates again. You don’t have to take it much further than a casual coffee or two, but it’s just great to remind yourself that you can connect with other guys, and it let’s your heart know that you’re moving forward in your romantic life.
Step 3 – Do the work on yourself
Maybe you fell into this situation by accident, but it’s important to ask yourself: How did this happen?
Did you fall for this guy despite him showing you he wasn’t really interested? Did you pursue him even when you’re friends told you it wasn’t worth it? Was the fact that he was unavailable even more of a challenge for you try and win him over?
It’s crucial to question your own behaviour here so that you can ensure you don’t fall into the same pattern again in future.
- You deserve a guy who really wants to be with you and makes an effort to show it.
- Loving someone who can’t/won’t love you in return isn’t romantic, it’s emotional masochism.
- If he’s not investing, the responsibility is on YOU to start walking away…
Take some space, surround yourself with the people you love, and resolve to be aware where you stand with the next guy before you get in too deep.
Getting over someone you’ve invested yourself in is always hard, but the sooner you begin, the sooner you’ll be back to your best again!
56 Replies to “How To Get Over Someone You Never Dated”
Just what i needed
Thank you matt
Iam in this situation at the moment, love someone, who doesnt love me…still thinking of him…created my own future with him in my head.
So this articule helped me a lot.
Thank you!!! You are great!:-)
I fell for a man who wants different things in life than I do. Now, I’m half hearted in dating him, which is not okay, but I don’t know how to let go.
This article speaks so much to me- I became friends with this guy at work and we just really clicked and it was great. He texted me even when he was dating someone else and when they broke up she suggested that him and I date because our personalities mesh really well. Fast forward 6 months. We decided to move it together. Still just friends. I was hoping something would change. I started having panic attacks when I thought he was chatting or snap chatting other people. We’ve lived together for over a year. He hasn’t dated or spent the night anywhere else but our house or his parents during holidays. Another girl hasn’t been over here at all. We finally had a talk and he said that he has alot of work to do on himself and he doesn’t see a relationship happening between us right now but he can’t say never. So it’s really hard to stop doing ‘couple’ things when we literally are a couple just not an intimate one. #frustrated
Do you have advice for a man who was attracted to you, asked you out a good 8 to 10 times, but neither of us made a move. Been close friends for a year and he just started dating someone. I’m heartbroken and want to follow advice to try to get him to want to date me. He was once attracted to me and we get along amazing and we are such great friends. Not sure what to do to turn his head or get him to realize he does care about me. I know I am too available.
Just wanted to say thank you. I needed this
How do I get over a “non-relationship” if it turns out he DOES like me, but I can’t date him because he’s my friends ex and he really hurt her when they broke up? I do like him but it just can’t work, it would devastate my friends and I value our friendship too much.
Thank you for this article. There is not much written about this. It helps. But it still sucks that he does not seem to want me. I still cannot believe it!
This was really helpful
As a guy I fallen into this trap. This can help us too. Thanks
A day back my friends with benefits buddy told me it’s off that he is talking to a girl now and that dating maybe in the cards soon, since he really likes her. And that’s the weird part, you see he knew me so well and close for 4-5 months, we have spent all weekends together at his place and he just knows this girl for 2 weeks and wants to date, but with me he was like I am not looking for a relationship I am not ready to commit just yet. So I genuinely thought it just wasn’t with me but with others as well. To my surprise it was just towards me. We have been so close and now that I have lost him as a friend too I feel so alone, he was my everything and when I demanded for answers he ignored them and blocked me. We used to be so intimate, he used to confide in me and share all his secrets when he was emotional and everything. Funny part is I am 23 and he is 37. Now I just feel like he is a different person altogether and that I hardly knew him or what he really wanted. I may have misjudged this whole thing by starting to have feelings for him. And now I am not being able to accept the fact that it’s all over something so beautiful. He was the first person I actually allowed myself to open up to, else I never open up to anyone. I REALLY NEED HELP IN SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH THIS. HELP ME OUT PLEASE
I can’t believe I’m in this situation. I feel dumb actually. I felt I was smarter than this but I guess not
How do you get over someone when you both like each other but a relationship won’t happen. This is the situation I’m in and I’m struggling.
What an awesome article. I really needed this right now. Thank you.
*(ugh, f**k you universe).
*while staring daggers at any woman you see him talking to
^ I’m crying. This is so relatable. Lol
I am not sure if you ever read this but I want to send you a huge thank you for this.
I am just shocked that I am not the only one weirdo with this kind of situation.
I read this through over and over again until ut burns into my brain and makes me stronger.
I could take some advices-and most prob lots of us- how to stop the analysis phase when we try to find answers for/instead of him;or I will want to calmly explain to him how dick he was and wait for the melt down infront of me when he realise he screwed his own life- which usually never happens I know.
How to behave with someone whom you have to see every day at work or in the neighbourhood etc…to keep your dignity but not to punch him either instead of hello.
And thank you, keep it coming!
I’ve been texting with a guy for several months and apparently I’m more interested than he is. I don’t want to just stop texting. I want to tell him he needs to step it up or I’m moving on! Lol
I don’t want to be bitchy or demanding but don’t know how to say it. Please help!
I’m on the same boat as Lisa. I have been texting with this guy from work for about 4 months. The guy has expressed he doesn’t want friends with benefits or to date at all because he has been hurt in the past and he feels emotionally damaged. He still managed to flirt once in a while or to respond to me flirting but he doesn’t do anything about it. I am falling for him but don’t know what to do because he doesn’t do anything at all. I know he is interested but he fights back figuratively speaking. I don’t know what to do. I would like an opportunity but I’m afraid he will reject me. I also want to walk away but don’t want to hurt the friendship. I’m hurting a lot because I love deeply. What should I do?
I have been working with a guy for over two years, and all this time we always had a close relationship and we’ve been innocently flirting since the day we’ve met. After two years of flirting we slept together, and it was amazing. But we never went on a date, and I always knew that we can’t have a relationship. Why I knew that? Because he was married and he was 25 years older than me. But I felt in love with him and he felt in love with me. Until his wife found out about me. There was a lot of drama when that happened, and what hurt me the most was that he cut me off his life instantly, he never thought of how I felt about the whole situation. I see him every day at work and it hurts me so much that now we are like two strangers, and I am still learning how to see him just as a colleague. I know I have a pattern, I have always been attracted by unavailable men and men who are more mature than me, and I know that if I keep following this pattern I will always end up being hurt, but I don’t know why I never tried to change this pattern. I guess I feel comfortable and prefer to stick with what I know.
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