Want to hear something that drives me a little crazy?
It’s when people say: “You need to be happy first, before you find a relationship.”
In my brand spanking new video, I call BS on this idea…
You probably already know this, but there’s a LOT of judgment on Instagram about people’s looks.
Arms too skinny. Don’t skip leg day. Nice cellulite. You look pale. Get your teeth fixed. You have bags under your eyes.
Wow. Thanks Brad Pitt.
Oh wait, it wasn’t from Brad Pitt. It was a comment from some Internet-porn-addicted basement-dweller who hasn’t left his house in a year (even before the global pandemic) and has an anonymous profile with no photo. Funny how that works.
And the worst part is: people are actually affected (infected?) by this person’s opinion.
People allow these comments to make them upset, to ruin their day, to make them afraid of putting themselves out there. They feel insecure that they’ll never be attractive enough because some keyboard bully wrote a tasteless comment about their body.
This is a very strange phenomenon online: people feel more insecure than ever, and yet are happy to attack anyone who is less-than-perfect for completely superficial reasons.
It’s like we are holding everyone up to a fake, impossible, ludicrous standard – comparing them to a lifestyle we all know deep down is an illusion anyway.
Make no mistake: this can screw you up.
I’ve seen even enviably attractive people suffer a crash in self-esteem because they feel constantly in competition with other people. And don’t forget the universal insecurity about getting even the slightest bit older thanks to our strange obsession with youth.
Oh no! How will I find a mate if I’m not a perfect 10? Or even a 9? What if there is someone cuter, richer, smarter, and with more Instagram followers than I have? How will I ever keep a prospective lover’s attention knowing that such superior people exist?
This is insane.
It’s not natural. It’s a funhouse mirror version of real life. And it’s a totally unnecessary cause of deep unhappiness.
What a disturbing scenario we have created for ourselves. And how cringey that people perpetuate and feed into this with memes and posts that imply hotness and money and private jets and living like you’re in the TV show Entourage is the objective vision of a “good life”.
And that’s why more than ever you have to resist. You have to cultivate an UNSHAKEABLE, ROCK-SOLID, DEEPLY CONFIDENT core that can’t be rocked by the frivolous nonsense that pollutes the public square these days.
Before I get accused of being salty: I actually like social media. I love modern technology. I defend it. I find it a great tool to meet like-minded people and have truly enjoyed using it to share ideas and connect for over a decade now.
But I also know that having a shield and your own personal weapons to deal with this onslaught and stop it from driving you nuts is the key to thriving in these times of endless social pressure.
So if you want to find love and NOT fall into despair along the way, here are some helpful steps:
When I worry about being “perfect”, or beat myself up, it’s usually because I’ve gotten way too deep into one track: achievement, money, looks, popularity, sexual validation – and these things then take on an outsized importance such that my self-esteem becomes unhealthily linked to them.
One way of combating this: have a HUGE mental world.
Have lots of friends who live different kinds of lives. See different places and ways of living and couples of all backgrounds and types. Read about people who pursue very different things than you do. Seek out knowledge and skills and art that fires you up.
When I do this, I see that the world is much richer than the petty concerns I have about my own unquenchable desires. I learn that comparison is dumb because the world is indifferent to these status games we play. Because there’s so much more to be excited about than competing for who can look the coolest on Instagram.
Ultimately, getting a big world gives you huge perspective and stops you getting obsessed with some zero-sum game thinking that dominates a lot of social media (which seems obsessed with winners and losers).
When I hang around people driven only by money, I think about money more.
That can be useful if you need a shot of ambition, but disastrous if it’s your only crowd. The same is true for what you read and watch on TV. The best way to combat this is to look for role models in different traits that matter to you.
You could find role models for:
If you look for different role models, you realise how many different parts of yourself there are to cultivate and you’ll start to learn what you truly value.
I always find this when I watch an Anthony Bourdain travel show. When he meets someone who devotes their life to slicing tuna for sushi, or living in the wilderness, or surrounded by a big family cooking for ten siblings – you realise that the key is choosing the life that serves you best, not what serves everyone else.
That’s a key to love as well: seeking out YOUR tribe. People who want the same things you do.
We worry about what everyone else thinks when we don’t have a stable core.
And you have to fix this before anything else. You desperately owe it to yourself.
I know that when people talk about doing “deep inner work” on yourself, it sounds weird and woo-woo. But this is basically what they mean: you need to feel at the bottom of your soul that you are entitled to demand your worth. And that worth is something no-one else can take away.
We can’t expect to fix ourselves with looks and lifestyle. Those things will definitely make the journey easier (there are reasons to get a fit body and have fulfilling work, after all).
But anyone who has these things knows their confidence can still be shaken. They experience bouts of crippling self-doubt and jealousy, imposter syndrome, and feel unworthy in relationships – because just having those markers of success is not enough.
You can have the right education, the right income, the right body, and STILL live in fear of being replaced by your lover. You can feel a constant fear that your partner might one day fall out of love and leave. You can still have a terrible sense of abandonment when you’re forced to be alone in your own company for a day.
This is why deep core confidence is the ONLY thing that truly makes you feel whole.
When the chips are down (and this will happen no matter what kind of charmed life you lead), you need a voice that still tells you everything you’re worth. That picks you up and gets you back on your path. That allows you to endure those times and get through the onslaught of disappointment or failure or grief that you might need to go through. You have to amplify voice that can stand up for yourself and be the leader you need. You need to be able to take that and know that you’re worthy of a place at the table in life (WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIVE UP TO SOMEONE ELSE’S IDEA OF PERFECTION).
And the way you do this: change the way you talk to yourself forever.
This means a life where you are your greatest ally. A teammate. Not a critic. A fellow traveller, not a nagging parent. A helping hand, not a pointing finger.
If this is something you are really serious about, now is the year.
Some people have already set their sights low for 2021. But what if you stepped it up now and decide to play BIG?
Coming up next month we have our Virtual Retreat program. It’s going to be 3 days of truly transforming your personal goals and relationships, , taking control of your emotions, and living at your peak of your values, so that you make a life you actually wake up loving every day.
When you do this, you’ll never have to endure that insecurity of just waiting to be chosen again. Or that feeling of fear that you’re not enough for someone who isn’t giving you the love you deserve.
You’ll realise that you have everything you need – and you’ll know how to use it.
Whether you’re single or seeing someone this Valentine’s Day, my new video gives you 9 romantic surprises you can do for anyone in your life to make them go weak in the knees for you.
Check ‘em out, friend . . .
“I know it’s over” one of you says, “but we can still talk, right?”
That’s how it begins.
You’ve broken up. But you haven’t moved on.
You still text him. You share book recommendations, joke about TV shows, and send the odd photo of you at that brunch place you would always go together on Sundays.
Oh shit.
You’re friends.
This is…bad? Yes. But it won’t feel like it. Not at first.
It will feel like you’ve jumped back into that warm bath. Are your wounds healing? Nope. But at least the pain is gone, for now.
And that’s the real problem.
When you decide to stay friends, you can trick yourself into thinking you’ve dealt with the break up. All you’ve really done though is choose an “empty calorie” version of a relationship.
It’s like eating a load of junk of food – salty potato chips, a chocolate bar, a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts – instead of a nutritious meal. It’s not good for you, but it satisfies your immediate hunger.
This is the danger of deciding to stay friends: you get some of the benefits of a relationship, without getting the actual substance.
This means you:
And there’s that secret part of you, deep down, that thinks: maybe if we just stay friends, we’ll figure it out and get back together.
If that’s your plan, then cut it off. Now.
The rule is always: you can stay friends, if, and only if, both of you have truly, honestly, no-bullshit, 100% moved on and no longer harbour any secret desire to be together.
That’s a big ask. And it’s for that reason that most couples can never really stay friends after a break up. Certainly not right away. Unless you want to feel a pang of agony and longing every time they enter the room. Yuck.
Is there a chance you’ll get back together? Who knows. It happens, certainly. But if that’s even going to be a possibility, it has to begin with time apart to figure out what went wrong, try life without one another, and assess with a more sober head if you actually are better off apart.
Otherwise, you’ll live in the halfway house: not really together, not really fully broken up.
And some people stay there for months, years, decades.
Take your self-care seriously. Treat your time like the precious jewel it is. You need room for a love to enter your life that serves you. Someone who really knows they want to be with you, and wouldn’t hesitate for a second to fight to keep you in their life.
And that person can never get in the door if someone else is still standing in the way.
Do you find it hard to truly let down your guard with a man?
What do you do when you get angry or hurt? Do you get quiet? Passive-aggressive? Lash out?
If you know that the way you’re bringing things up isn’t productive, and has the tendency to push someone away, my new video is essential watching today…
You’re going to witness a moment in this video that was taken from a live, exclusive webinar I held for my Love.Life members that wasn’t open to the public.
There was an exchange that happened that is going to change the way you deal with dating disappointments forever…
Are you a list maker? I am. It’s how I get things done.
But doesn’t life sometimes just feel like an endless “To-Do List”?
If you want to feel like you’re truly LIVING, not just ticking boxes, check out my new video…
I’m guessing you don’t just follow my work for love life advice…
And I know that in 2021 you have goals outside of your love life that are deeply important to you. I want to help you achieve them.
This week’s video is going to show you 7 techniques I use time and time again to make an impact on whoever I’m speaking to and create new opportunities in my life…
Are butterflies just “Disney-movie” feelings or should they be an expectation I have for Mr. Right?
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This was a question someone asked this week in our VIP members area, and I wanted to share some thoughts, because the idea of “instant attraction” (or even instant love) is a common societal belief.
So here’s where I stand on it…
If by butterflies you mean, some kind of animalistic feeling of chemistry, then yes. It’s very hard to stoke a flame if there isn’t a spark already.
If by butterflies you mean after a first date your heart is inflated like a balloon, your brain clicks into a feeling of absolute certainty, and you “just know” this is The One, then no.
To be fair, I have heard from people who said they “knew” their partner was The One by the first date. But remember, (a) this is often easier to say in hindsight, (b) it doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone.
Many people have also told me how they fell for their partner over a matter of weeks, or even months (maybe even someone they knew as a friend for years). For many people it takes time and connection before they realise they have something they want to invest much deeper in. Hell, many guys can start dating their future wife without even being sure if they want a relationship right now – it’s only after a few months of dating do they realise they have someone they don’t want to let go of.
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If we know that it can take longer than a first date to be certain about someone, it pays to be open-minded.
If we’re too dismissive, too quick to throw someone on the “no” pile, or never give anyone a chance because we don’t feel “Disney-movie” feelings at the very first moment, we can end up lost, looking for a unicorn that doesn’t exist.
Chemistry? yes. Crucial. Important. You need something that makes you want to be near this person, that leaves you thinking (or even fantasizing) about being more intimate.
But that’s just the first seed.
Before it can grow into a big relationship tree, you need the right soil, nutrients, solid foundations, water, sunshine – this is all the stuff that represents actual investment and compatibility, both of which are discovered by sharing meaningful time with someone, seeing how they live, what they spend their time on, and having honest conversations.
The Disney stuff is fun. But guess what? Even Disney stopped believing in their propaganda. The beginning act of Frozen is a parody of old Disney tropes, with Ana falling in love at a party with a Prince whom she instantly decides to marry, and who later turns out to be a self-serving villain.
So, yes, feelings matter in the beginning. Just don’t overrate them.
