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Predicting The Future Of Your Relationship

Stephen Hussey

I was intrigued recently to read this New York Times article on the “13 Questions To Ask Before Getting Married”.

The idea is that we should be willing to have more of the difficult discussions with our partner long before we ever decide to marry them. Too many people allow these problems to arise after they’ve already made a lifelong commitment.

In the words of Robert Scuka, as quoted in the article, “If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married”.

The questions themselves cover everything from “Would you change our kids’ diapers?” to “How would we celebrate religious holidays?”, and “What’s the most you’d be willing to spend on a car?”

Kids, religion, money – basically, all the big stuff then.

One would hope these discussions come up naturally in the course of a relationship, but it seems a lot of us find it awkward to approach such topics, presumably for fear that they may reveal fundamental differences that we have to work through with our partner. It can be scary to discover that the one we love wants different things: Maybe they’re more dependent than we are and can’t stand time apart, or they’re less interested in sex, or they have no interest in travelling around the world with us in 10 years time.

But ignorance of these differences is not bliss. It’s a massive bout of pain waiting to happen later down the line. 

Finding Your “Marriage Deal breakers”

Reading the article, I found myself most surprised by the fact that I had a few deal breakers I didn’t really think about.

Whilst I’m flexible on certain matters (e.g. how much my partner and I share our money, whether or not I like my spouse’s parents), I felt much more rigid on others. For example, Question 7 – “Can You Deal With My Doing Things Without You?”, made me recognize just how much I crave a level of independence within any relationship, and Question 6 – “What’s The Most You’d Be Willing To Spend On A Car, A Couch, Shoes?” made me realize that I probably wouldn’t work well at all with a materialistic woman, given my general lack of interest in Ferraris and high-end home furniture (though if you’re offering…)

Then there were the other obvious topics, like Sex and Family. e.g. “Question 9 – How Important Is Sex To You?” (crucial for future compatibility), or “Question 2 – Will We Have Children?” (probably pretty important to be on the same page here).

The point of the article isn’t to dictate what your personal standards should be. Rather, it’s saying: you must communicate them.

For instance, Question 10 – “How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?” is one for which I imagine every couple has it’s own set of rules (or lack of them). No-one is right either way, it’s whatever works for both people. But the lesson is to make sure you know what works for your partner before it’s too late.

So here are my discussion questions:

• What would you add/subtract to the list? (I was personally surprised the question “Where do you see us living together?” didn’t come up, which I would class as pretty important.)

• What are your top 3 dealbreakers from the list in the article?

Let me know in the comments below!

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40 Replies to “Predicting The Future Of Your Relationship”

  • Just a question :

    Would you please write an article, at least, to outline a great strategy to bring up tough conversations. I.e.: bringing these up in the throws of passion wouldn’t be great tact, but a similar positive situation would be good (I’m assuming).

    Some ideas would be valuable. I also prefer some independence to be maintained whilst in a relationship, etc. So, with that in mind, how does a girl approach that topic?

    Sincerely,

  • Steve, I’m sending you a typo alert before I check the link to that article. “every couple has it(’)s own set of rules

  • I’ve been in 2 long relationships one was the marriage… in between being married and living together not sure witch one of the experiences was the worse… thru all this year’s I’ve been alone for my own decision on growing as a individual and believing i needed to find not the key to live well with somebody but my key… actually i believe i can say today i found the way to get the key but i don’t want to have that no more. What i think in general people more and more live for themselves and to show others what money can buy. Ego got turn in to money. Respect forthe other one person ideas is not a option if it’s against their ideas and support depends on the mood or how the day went at work for exemple.. what made me not happy in both relationships was the fact of both taking advantage of i was doing today from my heart become a obligation after. The soreness i give them i wasn’t going nowhere made them using a good part of my well being and make me believe for years i need them to survive. Today I’m free with that kind of thoughts but still fear the way iam when i like somebody. I see things clear alone and i do belive in respect support pleasing thinking together solving problems together and be human beings together thats the main thing. Share a life together with the good and the bad and no money or wealthy lives will never take place of the other absence…the trust you should have to say anything you feeling to the other person not fearing a reaction… but a shoulder or a civil conversation in between 2 people who respect love and care for each other. I do believe my values were in me but i wasnt to sure of myself as a human being to enforce what i believed and looked forward in vain for so long. Today i have my identity back and i no longer will let myself to have a toxic relationship and got to realize now a days people are looking for somebody to complete them without realizing they are the ones who have to have that power to complete themselves and not giving to anybody else. People love the other to quickly cause the eyes say so instead let the heart feel what the eyes can’t see. People have eye standard instead feelings. Please choose way of living.. over losing time on knowing each other and do something for each other. Superficiality is the thing today with everybody around you and relationships. People don’t want to be bother with conversations instead having fun with friends its much more appealing and fun. Marriage is a fun day and a ring carrying on the finger for as long as this last… if you single you want to get married. If you married you want to get divorced. You divorced you want to find somebody. You find somebody… and people get tired to quickly from the fast emptiness the marriage or relationship turns in to it without any intentions to find fulfilment with each other …this is my way to see couples behaving today… together with my own experience in the past and the way my life presents on my daily life.

  • I would like to get married and have a family. However, I find it difficult to meet’that special guy.’ Does he exist?

    They look and scare at me but nothing. Please can you help?

  • The tree deal breakers: religion, having kids and flirting with other people. I would think that it would be implied, in a relationship, that it’s not acceptable to flirt with other people (except celebrities).
    I agree with you Stephen that couples should talk about where they are going to live. In my situation, I am originally from Ohio and my now husband is from Massachusetts. Before we got married, we discussed where we were going to live. My husband is a lawyer and is only licensed in Massachusetts. No other state would give him reciprocity without taking the bar exam, so Massachusetts it was. Plus he always wanted to be a lawyer in Boston. So we moved to Massachusetts together. Little did I know that I would dislike Massachusetts so much. I would have preferred to move to one of the big cities in Ohio or move down south to North/South Carolina, Florida, Virginia or even California. The next question is where do we want to retire. I mentioned moving to Florida when we retire and his reply was “What makes you think I’m going to retire?”. I’m thinking, “seriously? you want to continue working your whole life?”. I feel like when I get old enough and start collecting retirement pensions that I will move south to an elderly village with or without him.

  • Hi Stephen,

    Great post! I think that over time, hopefully any type of deal breaker would come up naturally over time (sooner rather than later) with our actions. Some deal breakers for me would be:
    1. Expectations. Views on marriage verses not wanting marriage, kids or no kids, and family values. Are they tech-obsessed and spend too much time on their phone? Do they have a low libido? Are they open to growing their strengths and weaknesses together, or do they take themselves too seriously to work as a team?
    2. Money. I think a lot of relationships require a similar view on how to spend money, especially if you’re sharing a bank account. I think this was one of the biggest struggles that I wish I had known before living with someone. Spending money on material objects while being on a budget, like clothing and/or fancy car versus saving up for a vacation together, and making sure the bills are paid on time are crucial factors.
    3. Love language. Communication is key, and if you two people don’t make the effort to learn if your partner values words of affirmation, affection, acts of service, quality time, or gifts, it can put a damper on any relationship stage.

  • My 3 deal breakers; infidelity, hidding your sexual orientation from me, lying (which basically a redundant one since if you did the other two you’d be lying anyway.) Abuse of any kind; physical, emotional, verbalor spiritual.

  • I don’t want to get married. I’m content in companionship without all of the legal requirements.

    I have thought about this since a few years ago already, because it’s really important to me;

    – No children
    – Travelling every now & again
    – Liabilities should not be shared, however household items obviously can. I don’t want to be in a relationship that requires me to support a man financially. I also don’t expect him to support me financially.
    – I don’t care about parents, if they can’t be happy for me like I am for them, I will write them off – both my parents are divorced & their choices weren’t & isn’t the best. If his parents don’t like me, there are ways to work through it; I would put in more effort with them.
    – I want a relationship where both partners can do their own thing with regards to hobbies &/or passions, as well as things both can do together (preferably outdoors activities)
    – Attraction to the opposite sex is inevitable, it’s normal, as long as it’s not acted on – I would prefer honesty, even if some things are not what I want to hear – I would much rather deal with an honest man, than one who feels the need to hide things from me; & I will reward him for his honesty to encourage him to be open with me.
    – Incomes – 50/50 split between the purchase of household items – that’s if we live together, if not, then it will come down to other expenses, such as dates, travelling, etc.

    There are tons of things that need to be considered. All of these questions is exactly why women need to slow down the process of dating. Getting to know someone is much more important than the title of your relationship status. Not only should they consider their own needs & standards, but the needs & standards of the men they are dating as well. Good things take time, & it will also take options to find the right partner.

  • Before I got married we also discussed things like parenting style and discipline (more on the strict side, but NO spanking), how much travel for work is ok (started with none, now we have a monthly limit) and personal goals and morals. I was recently reminded that my husband and I really believe in doing what is right when noone is watching and still doing it when you are called stupid for it. I also learned that continuing the conversation of what goals both partners have and taking an interest in what they want to achieve is huge.

  • Hi Stephen

    Ironic i came across this because just yesterday, my partner and i got into a huge argument about ‘brideprice’ in the whole marriage process. Please note, i live in africa, but being half british, and seeing that my parents never did it when they got married, and that mostly i would feel like im getting sold, its just not something i want to do. He was extremely offended and it has definetly caused a big gap in our relationship, and yet marriage should be the last thing on our minds at this point in our relationship. I had never really thought about it before, but i think it could very well be a dealbreaker for me.

  • There was this person who show interest and kindness to me.. he shows up on messenger and talk to me though I have no feelings for the person. I told him the truth but he continued showing me and expressing his love.He talks abt. sex and how he fantasize it with me.. it’s an awkward situation and I told him to do it alone it was so awkward on my part. It was a struggle to me bcoz I just look at the person as a friend and nothing more than that. It stresses me out. Now I’m avoiding the person.. am I bad that I feel this way??

  • I did discuss many of these things with my husband. But being Autistic came while we were married. How do you handle a that? The other thing is boundaries. Retelling of boundaries is something I did. Not that he remembered bit I did tell him what mine were. How do you get each other to remember them.

    I do have to say I am very sad that no one when I was growing up talked about boundaries and marriage. It is like your supposed to just know what to do. So glad you and your brother do these amazing videos and blogs.

    I have a question. I hope someone will give me an answer. It Will help me make a good choice. My husband broke my boundaries and I feel scared all the time. I don’t love him anymore. He threatened to hurt himself. Do I just go through with a divorce even if he hurts himself.

  • Hmmm… Let’s see, my top 3 lawbreakers from the list:
    2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
    (More the part of having children or not: I would like to have children if I find the guy I would want to marry and it would be nice if he would want it too)

    4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
    (In my case this is more like: can you accept and respect that I believe in God, and my faith is important to me?)

    10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

    And I would retract this one from the list:
    3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
    (In a situation where marriage is in sight, one would think previous relationships don’t hinder us anymore, because we realized that our partner is not one of our exes. And it’s obvious that we have learnt something from past relationships, so I don’t think this question has anything to do with whether two people should marry or not – I mean, you wouldn’t talk about marriage on the first place if you’d be still negatively influenced by your previous relationships.)

  • Hi Stephen.
    Thank you for focussing on this.
    Reading this made me think, that if I had talked to my ex about these things, we wouldn’t have ended our marriage…

    I think that all of the questions are so important to ask in a new relationsship, and it made me realise, that I have been running around like a headless chicken in every relationsship I have been in.
    I have been a dealbreaker on half of these questions.
    I did subtract question number two, but only because we had two children and therefore, this question was actually one of the things we talked about.
    But you could add: Do you see yourself having more children, or how important is having your “own” kids to you?

    My top dealbreakers are:
    – Spending money on luxury
    – Can you deal with me doing things without you? (This is super important to me! I love to be around the person I love, but I truly love to do my own thing and just being me!)
    – How important is sex to you? (I have never asked a guy this because I have always been afraid of addressing this)

    Regards from Denmark, Christina

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