This week I invited all of you to send me your questions (and was surprised and delighted by the kind of issues that came up!)
Here are some of the meaty topics we ended up covering:
– Why do guys in relationships still indulge in sexual fantasy?
– Is it ok to feel resentful when you only get attention from guys after losing weight?
– How do you know if a guy is cheating?
And if all that isn’t enough, I’m joined by my incredibly handsome brother Stephen, who once again returns to my channel by popular demand.
I know you’ll enjoy this one!
Within just one day of swinging open the doors, all 755 spots on my Impact program sold out! Congratulations to those of you who were able to get a spot! I can’t wait to hear your success stories!
Dress up :)
I realise I haven’t done it and starting today I dressed up n went for a classical dance performance
I viewed your question and answer video on pornography with interest and in my opinion porn is one of the leading threats to relationships and sexual well-being. I counsel young men who have an addiction to porn and who subsequently find that they cannot reach orgasm in real life loving relationships…I must reiterate, these are YOUNG men so if this is the state of play with young men…
Thanks guys you’re wonderful and congratulations for selling out Impact. Please say youll open the doors to Impact again. I need to watch my copy again. What one thing I will do is take up boxing lessons, you inspired me to do this (and be disciplined in keeping fit so I don’t have to worry about my weight. Keep up the good work. Danniiella xx
Love the banter between you! Good work.
The one thing I can do is…drum roll please…
trust that every time my man caresses me, he’s saying “you’re beautiful.”
I tried it last night and it changed me.
I’m recovering from a serious illness I had before meeting him. It changed me. I’m learning that he really does like me just as I am. I haven’t mentioned the illness recovery, because staying present seems more important.
Thank you!
I think you missed the mark on a questions:
When the woman said she was asking all the questions on a date I think the point was that he wasn’t asking any and not trying to get to know her. What do you do then?
I thought, the question from the woman, who had lost a lot of weight was quite intresting. I understand her trouble well… I have the luck to be naturally tall and skinny, so I sometimes get guys who just seem to want me around as a piece of jewlery or something. It just feels so superficial, and sometimes even sexist. But then I like to date guys, who like to exercise as well. Right now, a guy seems to like me, and he seems really sweet and intelligent, and behaves as sutch a gentleman. But I have to admit, the fact, that he is overweight is a bit of a bummer. I don´t mean to fat-shame anybody, so mainly I am just confused about my own reaction and don´t know how to react to the situation.
If a guy say you are fat say to him and you d… is small.
The real deal is why he is saying this?
If he is trying to motivate you in a bad way, cut you, look at you diffrent or maybe he is mad?
Guy should know that every woman is afraid to here 3 thinks about her body:
too fat, dirty, smelly.This should be on a shool bus: never cold a girl using this words.
Guy that say that are not man. I think that there are animals on a hunt of a big massive fight.
Love myself
^ This!
I am not working right now. I can be more productive this week.My Beau is very productive everyday. He would like to me get things done instead of putting it off.
You talk alot about relationships but what if you have children with the man you love and broke up with? Do the same rules apply like the 30 day rules? Of no contact? I’ve been with the father of my child for 9 yrs . We have a very passionate love story. We have been back and forth. I love him to death! We have both been with other people and I seem to move past all that but he doesn’t. I’m trying to get respect back into the relationship, it’s hard . Please tell me what I can do to have him respect me without bringing up the past? Thx you,I love reading your advice.
Stick to your standards. Be professional.
No need to be pally pally. Aim for respect and peace.
Keep interaction to a minimum. Keep things pleasant.
Matthew, I need your advice. There’s this guy that I met during spring break when my family went on vacation to a lake, and we immediately had both a physical and emotional connection. We also went to a party one night together, and after a couple drinks, we had sex. After seeing each other as much as possible, we exchanged numbers before we went our separate ways, promising to keep in touch.
When I went back to school, I find the guy next to the library with a group of his friends with his arm wrapped around a girl. Apparently this guy actually goes to my college, and it turns out that that girl is his girlfriend of four years. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he is in love with me, plus he lost his virginity to me. But, since he’s been with his girlfriend for such a long time, he still feels a bond with her.
I really like this guy, but I don’t want to be that girl who he cheats with. However, I don’t want to give up the chance of us being together because I’m in love with him as well. What should I do?
Maybe keep in mind that not only do you not want to be the girl he cheats with, but the girl he cheats *on*.
He lied to both of you, right? — and that thing in the video about trusting people who are trustworthy in small things is spot on.
No, what he did was wrong.
He deceived you and he betrayed her.
Don’t be stupid.
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is released during sexual interaction. It will be hard, but let it wear off (about 14 days).
He is bad news. Steer clear if you have any brain cells at all.
#1 thing to improve my love life?
Go to bed earlier.
Which seems like a ridiculous thing but it’s huge. My wife and I are both overworked, and getting to bed late means maybe we get some cuddles in before we pass out — and who doesn’t like cuddles, right? — but either we’re too tired for anything else, or feel like it’s either sex or sleep and having been sleep deprived for weeks at a time, we go ahead and backburner sex knowing we have to function the next day.
Earlier to bed means there’s more time for talking just us two (no kids, dogs, mothers in law or other random demands, plus the light’s off so we can’t see the pile of laundry that needs folding), more cuddling and everything that inevitably comes after.
And even if we don’t have sex that night, more time for just us means better overall communication and intimacy which makes more of us inclined to take time for sex.
Dear Stepehen and Matt
Had the opportunity to see a couple of the videos you two have been in together – brilliant. Viewers get to see a different side of Matt when he is with his brother. You both have great complimentary skills in helping people and what comes across is that you both deeply care about what you are saying and providing real strategies and content to help people. Keep up the good work and look forward to more content videos from the two of you – clear to see you have a close bond and that is very special not all siblings are so lucky.
Best wishes
Susie from the UK
Hey, I really enjoyed the video and it got me thinking I though I’d offer some insights into the issues.
What do you do when you feel like you are asking all the questions on the date?
I think this is a great question because this is something I definitely experienced when I first began dating and whilst I think Matt and Stephan made some excellent points, I think there is an underlying point to be made that wasn’t mentioned there. To me it appears like you are a confident girl who has the ability to make great conversation and therefor knows how to ask stimulating questions that really allows a guy to open up and speak.
I believe that as people when dating we have this real fear of the ‘awkward silence’ that can occur, especially on those first dates so we attempt to avoid this by filling all the gaps with questions that will allow a guy to continually speak. The real secret here to encouraging a guy to ask more questions, especially about you is to simply let there be silence. I know, at first this can seem terrifying but ultimately it is extremely effective.
You can practice this on your girlfriends, family members or co-workers at first and just watch what happens. When you simply say nothing, let there be silence. This causes the other person to panic a little consequently say something to keep the conversation going. It’s a social reflex that we all have. Try it, it works.
Additionally, if you are able to use the technique effectively it shows you are comfortable with silence in conversation, with what is normally accepted to be something to be feared, this comes across and you being more a confident and secure women.
How do you know if a guy is cheating?
Similarly to what Stephen and Matt mentioned, I think you have to first look out what is causing this suspicion. Is it an insecurity that you have? Or is it something that this particular guy has said or done to cause these thoughts and feelings ?
First off, bringing mistrust and suspicion into the relationship can be highly detrimental and has the ability to potentially ruin something or create problems that might not have been there to begin with. In other words, accusing someone of cheating when they aren’t will inevitably change the relationship. That is why this subject needs to be approached delicately and sensitively in the context of a discussion rather than an interrogation.
Now, I know what your thinking – you may of seen a suspicious text from his coworker, your partner might be coming home late without and explanation or more obviously with ‘lipstick on the collar’ and all you want to do is accuse, accuse, accuse. And why not? You are probably angry, upset and hurt. These are natural responses and they are okay to feel. However what you really need to do is think about what outcome you are hoping to achieve.
Yes, temporarily it might feel great to yell at him, make him hurt as much as you do, tell him how all guys are the same and that you knew all along he was ‘that guy’. However, all this is going to do is damage the relationship in ways that might be irreparable. Your relationship with inevitable move backwards.
There is another way you an approach this though, a way that will illustrate your worth, your integrity and ultimately lead to a more productive outcome and that is to simply discuss this issue with your partner. I know, I know – it seems too easy and yet all at the same time, impossible. After all why would you let him off the hook so easily when it would feel so good to bite his head off after what he has done to you. But that’s the whole point. You do not know if he has even done anything yet.
So that is why you need to open up a discussion. An example of this would be you saying something like ‘Hey John, something I really love about our relationship is that I feel like we can talk about anything. So that’s why I feel comfortable bringing this up. Recently I have noticed that you have been coming home late a lot lately and I feel like you are avoiding my questions surrounding it, which honestly makes me feel unappreciated and a little hurt. I was wondering if you’d be able to help me understand why this has happening, so that I won’t feel this this way anymore?’
What you can’t control here is how your partner will react or if he is cheating or not. But by positively influencing what you can control you’ve given the relationship the best chance, turning and issue into something that will allow your relationship to grow. Approaching the issue this way, in a calm and open manner makes him see that you are a confident secure women who isn’t afraid to insure that you are happy in the relationship but who also isn’t going to fly off the handle and the first sign of trouble.
How he chooses to react to this will be a clear indicator of what is going on, I really do think you will know. If that outcome is that he is in fact cheating at least you know you have given the relationship the best chance and can move on to someone who you deserve.
Is it ok to feel resentful when you only get attention from guys after losing weight?
First off, I think it is important to recognise that it is okay for you to feel resentful – it’s a genuine concern of yours and acknowledging that you feel this way allows you to do something about it.
I want to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. I have dealt with a similar experience. I used to have pretty bad acne and when I got on medication and it all went away I started to notice that I was getting a lot more attention from guys and I too was very resentful. I often though ‘why didn’t you notice me when I had my acne’ I thought guys were very superficial. It reminded me a lot of the Marilyn Monroe quote ‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best’. I think the worst outcome of thinking like this was that it made me believe a lot of my value lay in my physical appearance.
Similarly to what Matt and Stephen said, changeable aspects of your physical appearance are a direct reflection of your lifestyle and personality. If you are fit, it suggests you are disciplined, motivated and care about your health. If you are well groomed and wearing nice clothes it suggests you care about hygiene and about how others perceive you. So yes, physical appearance definitely contributes to attraction and subsequently the attention you receive but it’s not a purely physical thing its more about how you influence your physical appearance as a mirror if who you are internally. This I believe however is still only a small-scale component of the attention and attraction you receive.
A big factor that changed when my physical appearance did was my confidence and my self-esteem. Confidence is inherently sexy and I think this is the biggest factor influencing a a guys attraction to a women. I guarantee your confidence has massively increased due to the huge achievement that is losing weight, not only because the weight you have lost but because you have seen in yourself what you are capable of. As much as you may feel like all that has changed about you is the weight, subconsciously everything it took to lose the weight and how you feel about yourself now is reflected in your personality and I dare to presume even how you hold yourself or carry conversations. This is a huge element of the new found attention you are receiving.
Ultimately though, and the point I really want to make is that, whilst it is okay to feel resentment how you choose to react due to that is going to play a huge part in your dating relationship and quality of life. Yes, it would be easy to pass up every guy who wouldn’t look at you before because of your weight or have a negative attitude towards men who compliment you on your looks over your personality but at the end of the day is that going to get you to where you want to be? Is is a productive way to meet the guy of your dreams, one who is willing to get to know you for who you are, who deserves you? You know the answer.
Why do guys go on porn sites?
I think this is a really interesting question because, similarly to what Stephen and Matt say it has two answers. The direct one of looking at it as a purely physical action which would be ‘because it feels good’ and the one I think you are actually looking for, that is why they do it from a phycological stand point, especially when they have partners.
I really like the food analogy that was used in the video and I think it can be explored further to help explain why guys go on porn sites. Imagine your partner is really horny and try to compare this with the concept of being really hungry. Sexual activity with you, the partner can be compared to that of eating a juicy steak and watching porn to that of fast food. Yes, in the case of being hungry steak is generally the preferred option, but steak take time to prepare, is not always available and sometimes you just don’t feel like steak. In the case of being really hungry and having all those factors against you, sometimes you just want to go through drive through and get some fast food to not be hungry anymore. It’s important to remember that it is not a personal thing but rather a physical release to an immediate need. I think understanding this is definitely a great way to address a lot of the major issues partners may have with there significant other watching porn.
As Stephen and Matt said, it’s a good way to bring open and purposefully discussion to the relationship and as mentioned in a question above its not productive to go into a conversation in an accusatory way but rather to look at it as a respectful discussion and opportunity to grow the relationship. Rather than saying ‘you must stop watching porn because it makes me feel like you don’t find me attractive’ say ‘what are ways we can work together so they you don’t feel as though you need to watch porn as much and I can feel more appreciated/attractive’ Think compromise over ultimatum.
Hope this was helpful,
Tylah
Matt.
I wonder if you really read these comments!??
I think Your not Alone video was perfect. Thank you. My story? I was in a near fatal motorcycle accident July 20, 2014. My left leg was partially amputated. I was saved only by an angel that day. SO grateful in life right now. Just went thru my 6th surgery March 11 2016…but I still have My leg attached.
So my SOLITUDE has been no choice for almost 2 years now. I have grown incredibly within myself…which is wonderful and VERY Enlightening, in the least.
But…my Loneliness is getting much bigger and Overwhelming. I have been alone since my accident with really no social interaction because of being in and out of surgery and critches and bla bla…
I JUST turned 50 years old. I’m considered Very attractive and ( used to be) very active and in shape. AND I STILL AM !!
Not boasting, well, yes maybe I am! I deserve to say that because I have worked hard to take care of myself and I am proud when I look around at others my age. I am Very grateful in my life for God’s gifts he has bestowed upon me.
What’s the deal though!!lol ya know?
I finally have the self esteem that took 50 years to fins, and others NEVER find that security…and I’m LITERALLY stuck at home. Alone.
Since the accident Ive been isolated.
How in the hell do I get back into life before I am an ol” lady from being ALONE out here?
p.s. Although being bed-bound was the reason I found YOU, MATT !lol I think I have watched EVERY video and even purchased a download from your courses…and if I could I would Absolutely attend one of your seminars but cost is always issue…BUT I NEEDED TO TELL YOU THANKS YOU FOR ALL YOU ADVICE and TALKS. I LOVE YOU Matt.
TatianaXO