We don’t have a rear-view mirror in our love lives, and so are often vulnerable to blind spots. Friends, family and exes will rarely be so candid as to tell us what they are, and so the only way to really get awareness of these areas is by asking deep, reflective questions.
In this week’s article, Steve serves up 5 such questions designed to pinpoint your weak areas and the places that if you were to make millimetre shifts, would lead to a whole new level of success in your love life. Enjoy!(Photo: Christian Yves Ocampo)
Everyone is taught to think of themselves as wonderful. We are all unique snowflakes and we are all special, amazing people that anyone would be lucky to be with.
That’s what our mothers think, at least.
But what are some ways you can make yourself feel like more of a catch right now?
I want to make this practical by going through a quick five-minute exercise that ANYONE who wants to be able to attract a great relationship must be able to answer.
These questions are a huge eye-opener if you take the time to write them down.
The sad thing is most people won’t. Most people tune out as soon as they read the word ‘exercise’. But engaging your creativity in this active way is one of the most effective routines you can create for yourself.
These questions will do one of two things:
(a) They will make you feel great and empowered and give you a surge of confidence as you see all the great things you have to offer.
(b) They will alert you to your blind spots and failings, and give you a bunch of new ideas for areas where you can improve RIGHT NOW.
So read the questions below, take one minute for each, and write down your answers.
If you even get ONE idea out of this article for a new action you can start taking, it will have been worth it.
[As a side note, these questions are not gender-specific. They are the exact questions I would tell men to answer were I writing this article for a male audience.]
Here are Five Basic Questions that should be answerable for anyone who considers themselves to be a great catch.
1) What are three qualities that make me great company?
Are you funny? Intelligent and curious? Giving and loyal? Playful? Generous and attentive?
(Note: These must be qualities you actually display).
For all three qualities you list here, come up with an example of how you demonstrate this quality on a regular basis. For example, I’ve noticed that many people tend to think of themselves as generous and giving, but can hardly think of one instance in which they show this.
Be brutal and you’ll learn something about yourself.
2) What are three exciting things about my life right now?
Are you working on something that makes you passionate and fulfilled? Do you travel and go on incredible and exotic adventures? Do you have great friends who enrich your world and invite you to do cool stuff? Are you learning or achieving something that is unique and intriguing, like a new skill, sport, or language?
Having excitement in our life makes us a more interesting person. We have better conversations. We have more experiences to share. We live with more passion and excitement.
Lifestyle says a lot about us, so if right now your lifestyle consists of little more than work and feeding your cat, it’s time to find something better to do with your weekends.
3) In what ways am I exciting sexually?
Are you thoughtful of the other person’s needs? Are you kinky? Do you have a high sex drive? Exciting? Sensual and alluring? Able to turn him on and be totally open about your sexuality?
Again, people generally assume they are an amazing sexual partner. This exercise should prompt you to be more honest. Are you generous sexually, or are you selfish? Do you seek to understand your partner and completely share with them? You can tell a lot about someone by how much they care about their sex life – if they aren’t passionate and expressive in the bedroom, they probably aren’t passionate in other areas either.
4) Am I a good teammate who brings other people up, or do I drag people down and make things harder?
Do you come up with solutions to problems, or do you create more difficulties and make someone else have to work harder?
This one really cuts to the core of what makes a great partner. Be someone who would make anyone’s life richer and more enjoyable for having you in it.
5) Why am I the best partner someone could ever have?
Just write down a few sentences that come to mind immediately (and hopefully some do!) when you think of this question. Maybe it’s simple. Maybe it’s not. If you can’t think of anything, ask yourself this: what do you need to start doing differently in order to answer this question?
As I said earlier, these questions can either give you great satisfaction, or make you feel like you are sorely lacking in some essential qualities.
Both responses are empowering. If you’re satisfied with your answers, you have reasons to feel bullet-proof and assured in your self-worth. If you’re not satisfied, you now have a roadmap for some of the things you can now work on to improve your inner confidence.
Feeling like a catch is something that happens very gradually. Yes, you get the people in life who walk around with a self-entitled feeling of arrogance with no good reason, and usually these people are found out once they get into a relationship and their partner discovers that nothing lies behind the cocky façade that was initially presented.
For most of us though, feeling like a catch is a case of putting various pieces of the puzzle together until we feel like we have a strong grasp of who we are and what we are worth. It’s a feeling that grows and grows. The only question that matters is: are you doing things today to make yourself more of a catch?
What these questions also do, which I love, is actually ask us what we can give to a relationship – and how we can be better. It’s a long-term investment in ourselves. No matter who hurts you or wrongs you in a relationship, your self-esteem is in tact. Because instead of just beating yourself up and being paralyzed by self-doubt, you will feel secure that you are worthy of someone great. People who don’t think of themselves as a catch are, sadly, liable to stay in dull, unfulfilling, or emotionally abusive relationships, because they have no clear standard for the treatment they deserve. They don’t feel confident in their ability to attract someone new into their life. But when we have self-worth, it’s like having an impenetrable fortress that no-one can break. Even when we get hurt, it’s only superficial damage to the wall of our psyche.
But the only way to build that wall is brick-by-brick-by-brick.
What can you add to that wall today?
What are some other questions that tell you if you’re a catch? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
18 Replies to “Quiz: Are You A Catch? (Don’t Skip #4)”
Good points Stephen! But this list is mainly centered on being interesting and exciting-(except the one about being a good teammate)-which is no doubt very important–but to me it doesn’t seem like the crux of what makes someone a really good catch. Also, being interesting and sexy might be initially very attractive qualities in a person but sex drive is linked to health/pregnancies etc. and varies during a lifetime. sometimes there are too many responsibilities to do little else besides work and come home. These traits will not always matter when a relationship is 20 years old. some people don’t care if their partner is funny or interesting. maybe they want someone who has a stable job and provide for them even if it makes them a little predictable.
Here’s my list of being a good catch
1) being an independent grown up adult–no living with parents, having a career going, savings, able to pay bills on time, cook, clean without depending others, being responsible etc.–you’ll be surprised how many people don’t act like adults even when they are. It takes two adults to be in a mature relationship. some people may like losers and helpless damsels but I believe that comes from an unhealthy place.
2) solid core values–these may differ from person to person but one needs to know what ones core values are and act on them. this way you can find another whose values match with yours. without this, nothing else matters. no matter how good of a catch someone is, any relationship will break down if this is not considered. although values are not always obvious at first–you can tell a lot by how someone behaves on a day to day basis.
3) commitment- not everyone can commit in the true sense of the word. people run at the first sign of trouble. what keeps a relationship together is not excitement only but commitment when excitement goes away. this is what makes someone a good catch–the one who is tough enough to keep going when the going gets tough. no matter how fun someone is, if they can’t commit to being “caught” they are not a good catch.
4) healthy self-esteem, self-confidence and clear boundaries. someone like this is unlikely to get jealous and insecure or fly into rages, get used etc. this is one of the most attractive qualities. a person like this can truly give to other and add value. they have very little baggage.
5) having your own life–this is what keep things interesting. when a person is independent and has their own life they do not depend and demand from their partner. they spend enough time away to give others a chance to miss them without playing stupid games like “hard to get”. this adds to personal growth and makes a person exciting. this is what keeps the relationship in balance where neither party gets too invested.
6) positive/happy and good company–people are attracted to happy people who know how to keep themselves happy. they are not a burden and bring sunshine to any interaction. this is where I would include your point about having exciting things going on and keeping interactions engaging although some people may prefer a more quiet, calm partner who is steady and not “exciting”. but no one wants an unhappy partner.
7) physically attractive and sexy-well this differs from person to person but being clean, well groomed no matter what your style is, helps. this is where I would put your point about being passionate etc. being dowdy and dirty doesn’t make anyone a good catch. this is not about beauty and the perfect figure but being presentable.
8) authentic–last but the not the least…if you’re not true to who you are–you can’t be a good catch because whatever it is that you get “caught” for doesn’t actually exist. so no fakeness.
To me, being a good catch would mean being an independent, fully grown adult, who is true to who they are with a solid set of values, healthy self-esteem, confidence and boundaries, has their own life, is happy on their own, keeps themselves as physically attractive as possible and is interested in and has the ability to make a real commitment.
While you add good points, kish, I disagree with the first point. I was a stay-at-home mom and am currently going back to college to work on my career (that I gave up to be a mother of three and doting wife).
My circumstances for becoming single again at midlife with no career, and a need to be supported while my kids grow up doesn’t disqualify me as a “good catch.” I have a lot to offer, and in many ways bring more to the table than women who are well established financially and have never been married.
Tolerance and patience is one of the gifts I came away with. Just like myself, there could be a wonderful man who’s single and struggling to get on his feet for whatever life has handed down to him. I wouldn’t dismiss him because according to your list, he would be a “loser.” Losers come from a state of mind. I’m in a temporarily difficult position. A wise person can spot the difference.
I am not talking about a temporary situation where a person might be struggling or about people who have been handed something difficult in life. I am talking men and women who make no effort whatsoever to be independent, work hard etc. and take for granted that someone else will not only provide for them but also cater to their indulgences. I’m talking about people who do not have the capacity to earn money yet will run themselves into a lot of debt–which an unlucky/unsuspecting spouse will have to “inherit” from them. There are people like that and I have no idea how they might be a good catch. Now, these people do manage to find someone to support them financially and sometimes they bring a different kind of value–such as stunningly beauty or something else. And that is fine. To each his own. But regardless of what decision a couple makes in a relationship (who will be the breadwinner, who will be the homemaker), I personally believe that each one must have the ability and willingness to earn and live independently if need be so that they are not left in dire straits if the relationship ends or if a spouse dies etc. You are free to disagree with any of this.
Your best yet!
Provokes empowering and self exploring emotions!!!
Yes, I think It takes a really strong person to be able to look critically at who we really are. It is so common among us girls to talk about guys that we want to meet and be with, and not many actually question if we ourselves can live up to the standards we have for guys. So we indeed should be focused on ourselves first. So let’s try to become better people every single day:)
Thanks for the great words Stephen. I like to think I’m a pretty amazing catch and what makes me amazing is the fact that I’m willing to look at myself and say, “Ok what can I do better, today” We all have things we need to work on and become better at. I would like to add that we should also be looking for someone who brings those qualities out in us. I know in my experiences there are guys who just don’t bring out the best in me and it’s important to recognize those people and be ok with letting them go.
I hope this makes sense I am getting over a nasty cold :(
Thank you for a wonderful piece Stephen, this was defiantly a worth while and well timed exercise for me, that I felt I learned a lot from.
Its amazing how lacking a sense of worth can have such harmful effects on someone. I know its what lead me to spend 4 years in a emotionally abusive relationship, that I only escaped once I started to achieve a sense of worth again.
I think this also goes hand in had with the concept of being high value, you can have all the qualities of a high value person but still not be perceived in this way if you lack confidence. Needing to believe in your own value is just as important as having value.
I totally think I’m a catch. I feel like that’s arrogant to say but deep down I believe it. I mean I would say I’m all 8 of the things you listed under the first one. The problem is I believe it so much I have really high standards. I’m not talking money. That’d be a bonus.
P.S. any opinion on where the most beautiful place in the English countryside is? I want to add it to my bucket list.
Thanks Again Stephen for another informative article. I have found that I had less self worth when I was younger because I was lacking in confidence but as I have gotten older my self worth has definitely improved over time but there is always things I can improve on its like anything in life there is always room for improvement. I will definitely write down these questions and use them to see where I can improve and put them to use.
I think the first respond from ‘kish’ pretty much nailed it and ‘Sheila’ is on point too.
I’m sure you know the movie Avatar. I liked this beautiful quote best “I see you”.
“I see you” with all your imperfections, your willingness to grow and your big heart – you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. This is the most beautiful gift someone can give. A woman should know she is an amazing catch (growing never ends) but a man has to see her as the amazing catch she is.
Loved it! Thanks for sharing!
I want to tell my story a bit! I saw Matt for the first time last April 2013 in person about two days after buying and reading his/your book. And I promptly put what I learned to work. I met lots of folks, made a few casual friends, met a lot of men. Still I mostly dated online. I went to a lot of events and met people, but didn’t connect with them there. Why? Well, even though I love to talk, meeting new people tires me out. Going out every day in a five-day work week does burn my batteries. But I did it! I was relentless. No one said I had to be relentless, but I didn’t want to fall in to complacency. Didn’t want to fall back to my comfort zone and old habits.
I had a lot of fun and did date someone briefly at the end of last year. A week after that ended I was back out there again. It was too soon for me, but I refused to use that as an excuse, especially for such a short relationship. And Matt’s NYE challenge was on! And I went OUT. I didn’t refuse anything. I went and went. It was fun but it was also sometimes cold. December, yo.
I know where my own issues were with the GTG program. It’s not the advice. I believe it to be sound and I know the whole organization has its heart in the right place. But I have to say I know me better.
I take a long time to warm up to people. It wasn’t always so, but it is who I am now. After a year of trying to be different, I’m accepting this as is. I’m kind of like a conventional oven, longer to heat but longer to stay warm. These meetings were like trying to be a microwave over. Trying to warm up and connect so fast! I can be fun, what did one guy call it?—bubbly. Yes, I can be bubbly. :-) I’m not terribly sexual (not even a hint) with men I don’t know. I do touch them and I can flirt. It can be fun. But I never got a date from someone I met in all these activities where the men are. The men really were literally everywhere. But that ten-minute interaction didn’t lead anywhere for me. I was expecting a return on my investment! All those late nights. All those cute clothes. All the being ‘bubbly’. I have to psych myself up for that energy. It’s like performing in a sporting event sometimes. Practice helps.
What has changed? I’m definitely more confident. I do talk to random strangers more. I use and trust my judgment about people. I meet more men a week. But I got bored. I was doing things just to meet men. I finally burned out.
But I still had the confidence and you know what I’ve started doing? I’m starting to date myself. I decided to take all that energy I put out last year and this year put it right back on me. Unfortunately, I’m not a multi-tasker. I can’t do both things at once. It took a lot for me to do what I did last year, energy-wise. Now, I’m doing what I want and reserving some of that energy. So I do still go out a lot. But I do yoga or I get a massage. Something quiet, internal, no men. I wear what I want to wear. If I want to look my best, I do. If I don’t want to, I don’t. I don’t care if I’m sporting cleavage. But I often do look good for myself. If I take myself to the movies, I don’t have to worry about his return on his investment. I can reach for the check and pay for the whole thing. No one’s ego is out of joint. I can take myself out on a first date and have sex with myself that very night with no disappointment in anyone. (Do I emotionally bond with myself? Probably. :-)) I do my nails every week. I’m spending the money I spent on drinks and singles’ events on hair products! My hair looks fabulous.
I’m finding me and I’m actually happier and freer than ever. I feel great! I really, really do. I do still go on the occasional date with a man. But it’s like . . . I’m shining and the guys are just . . . there. And that’s okay. I’m not disappointed because, well, my focus is elsewhere. Hmm . . . this may be a double-edged sword!
But I don’t think so. I heard Matt say somewhere recently that his goal isn’t necessarily to help women to get the guy. His goal is more for women to be more happy with themselves. If that’s true, then the program worked for me, though, not in the way I expected!
That’s okay too. This feeling. Women if you are reading, you can’t bottle it, you can’t buy it, you can’t fake it and I believe you can’t get it from a man. You can only make it within yourself and then share it with him. And hopefully, he’s making his own happiness too before he meets you so he can share that with you. I’m learning better to spot men who are truly happy with themselves, woman or not.
So! Maybe my bubble will burst someday soon. Probably. :-) Do I still want to find a special guy? Sure. It’s just not my focus right now. So I don’t want to meet him right now until I finish my work with me. I’ll know when the timing is right. Right now I’ve got my own blueprint to follow. :-)
I’m learning resilience. If I can figure out how I got here (I seriously believe it was yoga and a ton of self-care, eating right, sleeping well, tending myself like I was a queen, just on far less money), then I can get here again after future disappointments.
We shall see. :-) Thanks, Matt and Stephen! Just wanted to leave you a positive message!
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel similarly. About a year and a half ago my last relationship ended, and I realized that I haven’t ever felt close to any of my boyfriends. I think I date them because they’re interested in me and they’re good people, but I don’t feel any real connection with them. So I decided that I would stop actively seeking men and just work on my own self-improvement. Things are definitely looking up :) Also, dates with myself? A-m-a-z-i-n-g. I don’t have to worry about having the “right” answers to questions or guys being overly critical. Just me, the movie I want to see, the food I want to eat, and blessedly guilt-free!
This definitely helped a bit with my self-confidence … I’ve been single for a VERY long time and have been put down A LOT by my family, which has done a number on my self-confidence. I know I have a lot of flaws (not BAD/dangerous ones, but some issues from how hard my life has been) and it was really nice to focus on my good when answering these and see on paper that I am worth a person’s time and love. Thank you !
Thank you so much for this! It made a huge step for me from knowing cognitively to knowing emotionally. Immense power!
Thank you!! :o)
What practically do you do for the wider world?
The community, county, national, international. Do you get involved? What effect do you have? Do you even care?
What do you do to take yourself out of your comfort zone?
I have very clear standards of how I want to be treated and how to act myself in a relationship now. You have helped me to not only think about setting these but how to maintain and implement them.
I was reading an article in a paper this morning about a celebrity break up and how she ‘dodged a bullet’! Lol which is funny, although you have taught us not to let this happen by chance, but to actively think it through.
#4 I agree this is crucial. It sounds quite practical and business like here in the context of this quiz. I love that all Matt’s work on how to give compliments for example all add to the more maybe romantic element. How much better to feel like a great team when you receive the behaviour, physical and emotional to actually become it.
PS I’m glad to see you sipping a drink which looked like coke with something in it! Piña Colada is a bit of a ladies drink……K X
Are you active at improving you and your life? Im currently Tring to improve myself! Its a continual process. There is a lesson for you in every relationship and you should be into a realtionship to give. Not receive.if you dont care about what you receive you will receive. But only if you give yourself to improving for you and all around you.understand adapt and overcome! By seeing your faults you can improve.Get involved in your own growth! Others will then grow with you! Good luck
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Thank God true LOVE is always exciting :)
After all, it’s the best positive energy created by God :)
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