Relationships Are Not Transactions

The lesson of this video is to become a VALUE GIVER, not a value taker.

While my book and organisation are playfully called “Get The Guy”, you really don’t ‘get’ by going out with a mindset to get. You get by going out with a mindset to GIVE.

Think about it… You KNOW when a guy’s not coming up to you to give value; when he’s coming up to you just try and get something.

In the example I talk about in the video, it struck me that this is exactly how women feel when a guy walks up to them with an agenda.

And so many people go into interactions with a transaction in mind.

Today I want to pose a simple question:

–How do you add value? 

Through your personality? Your humour? Who you are? The atmosphere you create?

Let me know in the comments below!

As I mention in the video, you don’t have to go in thinking ‘I am going to give value to this person’. You can add value just by being a great energy around someone.

How are you going to do it with the next group you come into contact with?


Many of you have been asking about the Lifestyle Retreat programs that I do.

Both events that I had booked for the end of this year and now completely SOLD OUT – even though there’s still over 4 months to go!

**Great news**… I’ve decided to throw in one more just to cope with demand and the number of people who otherwise would be missing out.

Check it out here.

This is something I’d never normally do, but there are simply too many people missing out to not do it.

It’s going to be in November from the 4th to the 8th.

I would love to see you there!

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91 Replies to “Relationships Are Not Transactions”

  • I just have to say my stomach hurt cause I was laughing so hard at your role play back and forth thing. SO good! You should do more videos like this! :)

  • HAHA “hey are those breasts you have there? You mind if i get involved with those?” Ok sorry im done commenting

  • As being well traveled and full of eventful stories that surround my travels, even though sex is not what I look for firstly in man, but my sexual aura gives off that vibe. I have tried to remain extremely conservative and still put off that vibe. It’s a blessing and a curse. I have never had a man out of many many dates respect me as a person or want to see me for me.
    I have read and tried many ways to avoid the sex appeal, but at the end of the day men think mainly with their penis not their mind, so sexual attraction is very important in finding a potential mate, right?

    1. Hi April,

      Sexual attraction is a lot of the initial attraction to any person, male or female. We are, by nature, visual creatures, so someone’s look or aura will create that initial desire to approach. That being said, it is the value and genuine relation and interaction that will have someone stay the course.


  • Thanks for the great video, Matt! Anytime I’ve noticed that kind of transactiony energy in myself it has felt really blech and kind of heart-clenching. My feeling is that vibe comes from a place of feeling lackful in some way; that life or the people around you need to be manipulated into giving you want because on some level you’re afraid of being without it.

    I loved your idea of bringing value through radiating your best/most natural self. It feels so good to be in that joyful place and let the universe meet you up with others who are too!

    1. Hi Mary, thank so much for your comment! Your right. Transactions make you feel not so great, sort of devalued. But if you focus on yourself and the value you know you can add to a persons life you will be able to let those more disingenuous interactions roll off your shoulders and be able to focus on, and attract, others who choose to add value to your life as well : )


  • Hi Matt, that was a really good point!

    Nice socks indeed :) I like your laid back attitude, your sunny personality AND your professionalism.
    I am learning so much from your videos. I come to be very shy when talking to guys ( especially the nice looking ones) but I am trying to be more outgoing and relaxed. I think that being nice and polite is very important when it comes to getting to know someone new. Good manners are sexy and the ‘right guy’ will notice it. I have come across too much too often with guys who wanted just a transaction. Usually, if I get annoyed with that attitude I say something polite but firmly and it helps to set some boundaries at the very beginning. Tis immediately stops them and I feel I gain some respect :) Greetings from Italy

    1. Hi Chiara! It’s so great that you know to set boundaries early on. It’s important to let someone know your expectations and your own perceived value. Well done and thanks for your comment! : )


      1. Thank you for having replied to my comment! It really made me happy.

        I have your book and I am reading and learning from it. But As I am reading though, some questions come up to my mind. As I am Italian and your target is British and American women, do you think your rules apply to every nationality? What I want to ask is: does the culture of a different country ( in this case Italy) affect the way a man can respond to a woman? I think Italian men might be different from American or British men when it comes to the way they respond.

        I hope I made some sense!

        Thank you Matt and have a lovely day


  • Thanks for the video besides the funny humor it had a great point and have been there myself without the drink aspect becaus I don’t drink but I was more straight forward with my response to the guy who approached me more then your friend. Sometimes being a bit rude doesn’t hurt but not overly. Keep up the videos !

  • I hope you don’t get ‘caught up’ in the whole celebrity thing as you seem like a wonderfully normal and nice person.

    I have been divorced for-ever! At 52 I consistently pass for a woman in her early thirties, and my ‘aura’ seems to pull nothing but men who want to experience ‘it’ without giving anything back. And dating sites and casual encounters alike seem very ‘transaction’ based – thus, chronic avoidance. I doubt there is someone out there for me but I want to thank you for making me laugh and for the recognition that very little has changed since I was in my twenties.

    My very best wishes.

    1. Hi Teresa! Haha thanks so much! Haha unfortunately no, not much has changed, but this means that there are still tried and true things we can do to gain real connection! Online dating can be tricky, but has the potential to be great. I did a video on this a little bit ago and there’s a few tips on how to find genuine connection versus transactions. Take a look, hopefully you enjoy it! : )


  • I’m probably one of the few guys who reads this blog, and I gotta say, Matthew is right on. Beyond just a woman trying to “Get a drink”, it’s also frustrating when a woman is clearly “man hunting”. There’s nothing sexier than a woman just genuinely looking to meet guys and have a ton of fun.

  • Oh what a great video of yours…agaiin! There is not a single boring one! What is going on with you? :D ;P No, seriously- Keep it up! :) If someone is proud of you, then it would be your parents and right after that me :) Sarah – yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well^^ But who cares, right? :D right…?

  • hahaha, Matthew is our big brother, who teach us something special. I used to have male friends who are explaining man cues for me. And your lovely honesty is so sexy and hilarious, I really love you. Just like my brother.
    Great Matt – many thanks again

  • Why do you always have to wear these tight tiny T-shirts ? Doesn’t it make your arm hurt, the way you have to squeeze your massive arms through a tiny tiny shirt like this ?

    Come on, Hussey! You make enough money to afford a proper size shirt.

    Love :)
    ~ S

  • First time commenting yeah! Matthew how are you doing? I really do love your videos and sense of humor. You nailed it. The whole transaction thing is so true. Like people want to get to know someone but it comes across like a transaction. The conversation leads to nowhere and sounds like an interview or some kind of scripted lines from a movie. Dead ended questions. ladies if you love to laugh, laugh, have fun and forget if you will sound dumb. Most of the time overthinking things comes across as fake, so be the energetic you, upbeat type, the goofy girl with the crazy haircut,the one who loves to sing am walk on a sunshine? thats what makes people want to draw close to you. Your uniqueness

    If not they just missed out, time to catch a different bus

    Sometimes people dont know how to treat you, teach them please and i beg what you will accept and wont put up with. Men will respect you by how you portray yourself and knowing your selfworth. Never been to any of his events but matthew been funny as ever said to me:

    1 To bemore confident(my allure)

    2 Have fun

    3 Be a woman of high value

    4 Been rejected by a guy? screw it.Well he has no idea
    how great i really am.”He just lose a lottery

    5.Not every guy i date or meet is going to be a potential boyfriend

    6 When i leave the house i should wear my favourite parfume>> MY SMILE:)

    Latly I shouldnt be afraid to move on/walk away

    Thank you matt, greetings from holland. When ever you need some dutch cheese for inspiration let me know:)

    Have a wonderful day x

  • I did exactly wat u said shudnt do to adk a guy for a drink lol .to be honest I was bored he was kinda hot so I was passin my time to get someone hotter at the bar . He just ignored the question in turn when I asked him for a drink lol . Haha . U shud come to bahrain so we can go out drinking and u can help me get the guy lol.cos after am drunk sm doing wrong things ssometimes haha .

  • Something really great that you said that stuck out in this video about being someone who adds value and not takes value. I really like that! Thanks!!

  • Hi Matthew,

    I’ve read your book and enjoy your newsletter and blogs. I would really, really, really like to go to one of your events or retreats in Australia. I have friends who would also like to come – I’ve got them interested in your book ;) Actually, I started wondering if I could be a bit of a representative for you here.

    I could really use your help. Australia’s such a great place. Life is fabulous here. YOU SHOULD COME!!!!!


  • hey matty! so much happy to see the video again.. all ur advice is wonderful I wish the man I would give value AGAIN etc etc is someone LIKE YOU… :)


  • Hiii matthew

    there is a guy i like, i don’t see him often but i have known him for a long long time. He recently lost is father, and i went to the funeral, to say goodbye to his father and support him. At front of the curch he looked me right in the face and he gave me a look, like he said ‘help me’. i gave him a little smile and walked to the pastor.
    on facebook he send me a message and he thanked me for the nice words and said i see you soon!
    i asked him, if he maybe wanted to go out with me sometime to have a drink. I told him i knew his head wasn’t into it and he had other things on his mind, obviously, but maybe it would be nice to have a chat sometime. He was reading it, but never gave me a reply.
    after a week i send him a message and apologized to him, because it wasn’t that subtle of me. And i told him i hoped everything was oke with him and when he needed a shoulder to cry on, i would Always be there for him. I asked him to let me know how he was doing. ( not good hah?)
    Still he never sended something back.
    I was in a dillema, because i didn’t wanted to hurt him or push him, after the passing of his father. But i kept this for myself for so long, and i didn’t wanted to wait untill i saw him again. That can maybe take months!!
    when i see him, like in the club, we Always talk and hug, and i Always asked how is ill father was. Now i think i ruined it and i’m a little bit hopeless.
    i would love for you to come to HOlland or Belgium, i would definitly want to see your show!! and get some great advice!
    greetings from holland, you’re doing great Matt !!
    kisses Sharon

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