She Found Out He Was Married…Then This Happened..

In this week’s episode of LOVELife, Esperenza calls in looking for advice about how to find closure. After discovering the man she went on a few dates with is actually married, she made a perhaps overreaching decision.

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27 Replies to “She Found Out He Was Married…Then This Happened..”

  • I got cheated by my boyfriend with a girl. After few months he cheated on her with me. I could tell her everything but i didn’t and after 1 year she still didn’t figured it out that he is a cheater and a liar!

  • yeah, tell it like it, Matt! Poor girl.. But at the same time, kind of silly, too.. Why couldn’t she just “let it go”? This reminds me of when people leave bad business reviews: they don’t get any closure; they just want to unjustifiably potentially humiliate and harm the business. Closure means just not going there again (or in E’s case, getting away from the sucky relationship) and letting go.

    Great video as always!

  • Matt,

    That was freakin’ wonderful advice! I realised I too have a sense of always focussing on drama. I often feel it’s out of my hands, it just happens, but what Esperanza said made me realise it really does come down to focus. I have always thought of myself as fighting an injustice, but my focus shouldn’t be about anything other than my happiness, my joy, that is my responsibilty. Nothing else. I cannot nor do I want to save the world from what I believe is wrong; we all have our own paths to walk on. Just realised it’s even silly writing that down…
    Anyways, you are spot on and I love you and your outlook on things now even more than before. Thank you.

    Love, Janet

  • I’ve read a couple of YouTube comments, and people are so butthurt these days! I admire the fact that you took on a harsh tone to get across your point. It teaches us and Esperanza where to draw the line. It brings your advice as more crucial, trustworthy, and reliant rather than what we always get to hear from everyone “I love you all, my fans” attitude.

  • Esmarelda was really putting herself in a dangerous situation by not cutting ALL ties immediately and writing the letter to the wife. The saying is “don’t kill the messenger” for a reason. People really do harm other people in cheating situations and she really should have thought about that before writing that letter. More than likely the wife knows he’s cheating already, I just feel Esmarelda probably thought of this guy as “The One” after this short time and was trying to get revenge for him messing up the plans she had already set in her head as their future.

  • Hi Matthew

    I understood your point of view but her Email to the wife was at least a hint to watch her cheater husband! I wish I had been told my ex was cheating, not after 2 years that I caught him. I guess it was a huge favor to the wife by sending her the Email.

  • Thanks so much for this. Initially I sided with Esperanza in (as others have posted) wishing the other woman (womEN) had contacted me, maybe so I could have felt a sense of compassion and solidarity.

    After hearing Matthew’s feedback I see how *I* am still holding similar characteristics, in terms of not setting clear boundaries and seeing where my own drama ends and someone else’s begins. Getting rid of someone quickly (as soon as you sense something is off) without any tendrils of energy seeping back is exactly the goal I am seeking in the work I’m doing now. This is great, great advice. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Dear Matthew,

    Thank you so much for this video. I am glad that I saw it today because I was about to do the same thing…
    A man turned me to be a third person, which is my taboo. He told me that he had broken up with his gf months ago, but it was a lie. It has hurt me, a lot! Therefore, I wanted to tell her gf about he cheating on her. However, after watching this video, I believe I should move to a free-drama-zone than throw myself into their troubles!

  • I believe the negative comments come from women that have never received such a letter or phone call. You have no idea what sort of damage and humiliation you could be causing. If you were smart enough to figure out what he was doing then she will be too – take off your sanctimonious hat and show the real hat you’re wearing – revenge.

    The woman could be in the middle of chemo, a death in the family, she may be pregnant and you cause her to lose the baby. She could be on her phone walking and in such shock she is hit by a car – I think Mathew was way too kind.

    I think that a woman who does this sort of letter/phone call actually deserves the pain of being cheated on. It is only when you have lived through this sort of pain that you will ever understand how vicious this act is – until then … complaining readers – try thinking and empathy … you may end up being pleasant and smart enough to get and keep a man

    Now THAT”S mean :)

    Put on your big girl panties people and wake up to what the real motivation is here and how thoughtless and careless this woman has been

  • One of the best pieces of advice I have got from you so far. Especially relevant in today’s modern world when we have to run the gauntlet of embitteted ex spouses, jealous/messed up step children and other pre relationship baggage. Would love to hear a lot more on this topic. Thank you x

  • Thanks Matthew! GREAT advice! I was wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a married man at work (my boss :-( ). We are on good terms, we care about each other, we still joke around, and get along really well. The affair ended 6 months ago, and nothing has ever happened and will ever happen again as he’s chosen his wife and is doing everything to make his marriage work. We are not in love with each other anymore, but even though we’re on good terms it’s not helping either of us move on. But then it’s also hard to let each other go. Neither of us is in the position to leave our jobs right now, but he’s not respecting his wife by being ‘friendly’ with me, and I miss him as ‘my friend’ when he does respect her and cuts of contact with me (for however long it lasts, few days mostly).

  • Great advice Matthew. I can relate to this from two perspectives: In my twenties, i was in a common law relationship for several years. I left him when I was 26. Years later, an acquaintance told me that he had been cheating on me with her flatmate at the beginning of our relationship. Even though I was angry, I was glad that I knew and had confirmation that walking away from this at a young age was the right decision. I had contemplated writing his then girlfriend (or wife) a letter but decided against it. Pondered to write him “btw I know what happened in year xyz with so and so” but also decided not to do it. I just wanted nothing to do with any of this. I had closure by having re-confirmed that ending this was a good thing.
    I now have a different situation. There is this couple who are good friends. Together with other friends, we go on an annual trip somewhere. I am the only one of the group that still lives in the same city. She has a young son from a previous relationship and owns a house that he moved into.
    While I think they are great together, I know (and have first hand proof) that he is a serial cheater. He also has an active online dating profile up even though he is in a committed relationship. I now found out from his previous girlfriend that he took advantage of her financially over a long period of time.
    While I think that it is not my place to say anything, and potentially cause a break up, I do feel obligated to let her know to just be careful in watching him closely and protect her assets. (She is much better off than him). I’ve spoken to him already and called him out on his online dating profile and other lies. He only had stupid excuses and more lies. I am currently not speaking to him at all and will probably terminate the friendship for good as I do not want to be around someone who is constantly lying.
    I do not want his girlfriend end up heartbroken and financially damaged. What do I do? Do I speak up?
    The argument in this episode was that Esperanza did not even know the woman. It’s different in my case, I’ve known her and the son 4 years and been on a couple of trips together.
    Would really appreciate your advice.

  • Bravo Matthew, that was great! You nailed the issues perfectly with this caller. Loved it. Great to see you in action.

  • Matthew thank you for this post. I have been in a pattern of hope for a real relationship then breaking up, then letting my guy back into my life. It’s been five years. He wants me forever, but in actual practice what we have a is more like committed FWB. The last time I broke up with him, more than a year went by and then he chased after every me again, saying he misses me and wants to work it out. After a lot of talking I agreed to try, but three months later, nothing’s really changed, other than a lot more open communcation and more time gone by,

    I wonder at myself, why am I even considering spending a single evening with him.

    I need to focus on moving forward and not waste more time on someone who wants something different than what I want.

    My question to you is, if he comes back after me again, And by our history, he will, how can I ever know he means it if he says he wants to be in a relationship with me? I wish we could expand our connection into a full relationship. I’m not a fan of ultimatums but in this case, is it worth letting him know what I need in order to be with him?

  • WTF??? If my husband was cheating I would want to know!!!
    Where is the justice? Women who are “humiliated” have the wrong idea or using someone else’s loyalty as an appraisal of their own value. That’s bullshit. He’s the cheater, he should be humiliated.
    I am infuriated that you would actually ENCOURAGE a woman to allow a man to deceive his wife is sickening.
    I am so shocked.
    It’s easier to move on, it’s harder to face the drama of coming clean to his wife.
    No she can’t right every relationship wrong in the world because it’s not physically possible BUT justice SHOULD be a genuine goal.

    1. If woman have lied to you that he would had been cheating on you on purpose, so she would have gotten him through your fights?
      It is mistaken to consider for strangers life what’s the best for yhem and what they have been through, You know the dinamic of your relationship, you are responsible to hear and feel your partber and any change, it might be your fault as well as not commiting enough to see and go through the relationship.
      I do not mean to be paranoid and get all over control, we are all need some times personal space, but it has to be wise enough… long story short, Matthew is correct and everything he said is fair and make a great seance.

  • I think a wife should be told if her husband is cheating. Her HEALTH is at risk! Women contract AIDS and other horrible diseases from their cheating ass husbands all the time. I know someone specifically this happened to and she didn’t know her husband was even cheating. A person should always let their partner know if they’re having sex with multiple people..ESPECIALLY when the other partner thinks he or she is in a monogamous relationship. This man’s wife probably isn’t using protection, and this guy is on the prowl, probably having affairs with more than this poor lady on your channel…I find it deplorable. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter Esperanza’s motives. The wife needed to know. Yeah, it’ll hurt. Yeah, it’s drama…but it is worth saving a person’s life.

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