You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring

Here’s a little rant I just recorded. It’s said with all of the love in my heart and as a call to action to break free from the ‘cocoon’ of shyness. Enjoy!

So often people use shyness as an excuse not to contribute.

I know so many introverts – like myself – who make being an introvert into a noble, glorified thing.

If we want to be the most well-rounded, charismatic person we can be…

We have to cultivate the skills of the extrovert.

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in ‘extrovert mode’ 24 hours a day, but it does mean that you have to be able to bring out those skills when you need them.

When I step out on stage for instance, I’m bringing out the skills of the extrovert, even though that’s not who I am naturally.

It’s fun to be able to do both.

You can be an introvert and enjoy being an extrovert on certain evenings and occasions, and then go back to being an introvert.

Never let someone convince you that being an introvert stops you from being able to bring out the extrovert just for the hell of it.

Being able to develop those skills was one of the biggest gifts I gave myself because now I’m able to go into situations that scare me, and in spite of that fear, I’m able to bring out parts of my personality that when I’m younger I never used to be able to bring out.

–Is it okay to sometimes be shy?

Yes of course.

The point is that being that way all the time and using it as an excuse to never not be shy is not good.

You’re more than shy. Don’t allow yourself to be labelled. Be what you want to be in any given moment.

Do what works. Not what you ‘think’ you are.

Want to learn how you can step up and break free from the expectations of others? How you can layer different personality traits on-top of those you already have? Want an easy, step-by-step way to get more sociable, meet more men, and grow your social circle? Check out my online program The Man Myth which covers all of this and more.

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214 Replies to “You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring”

  • thank you hreo for all what you are doing for us . thank you for this video . what i understood is being shy (sometimes) is natural , but acting shy is kind of fear that makes life hard . so i’ve to search deep inside of me and understand my actions that caused by my believes.
    WOW THANKS FOR THIS LESSON HERO

  • This is so right in so many ways. Once you are aware of this your behavior will change immediately! Small steps give big results!

    Much love,
    Alex!

  • I”m afraid you don’t understand shyness. I’m shy AND boring. And i owe it. You also don’t understand introvert. And if you indeed are an introvert, I am sorry for you. You don’t understand yourself then. You just deny yourself. There is no superiority of extrovert over introvert. Nor the opposite.
    But these two work different and it is not an excuse. Would you say an extrovert uses extroverstism as an excuse to talk all the time? You are doing a lot of great things but you are reaching your limits. Try to learn about things you don’t know about. You don’t have to be an expert in everything. Stay curious and understand shyness and introverted women. Then you will be able to develop things for them that are relevant. I’m afraid this rant is not.

    1. I think you Pauli dont understand shyness and introversion. I too am an introverted woman, but my job requires me to be extroverted, our society is an extroverted one so its needed to bond with other people.

      I am also very VERY shy; I can’t look someone I like in the eyes for more than a second, I feel awkward when people try to talk to me and it does come off as uninterested or mean……BUT I am NOT boring because even though I am naturally introverted; I love to be alone with myself, I appreciate solitude very much, and I live in my head most of the time……

      I can also go to a party and mingle with people, I can ask out that guy Ive been eyeing for a while to a lunch date, I can tell a funny joke or laugh at one, and I am very opinionated and do not have a problem expressing myself.

      So this is definitely not an excuse. I think Matt is spot on with this video.
      so like the title of the video says….. you’re not shy, you’re just boring. Don’t use introversion and shyness as an excuse for your boring-ness (if that’s even a word lol!)…. is what I think Matt is saying

      1. Well, yeah ok, I am boring. I already said this in my fist entry. So what exactly is the added value of your comment?

        If you do those things you say you do, then maybe you are not that shy. If you managed to keep the job you have then maybe you are not that introverted?

        I have found out that the worse thing one can do to oneself is to flight who one is. Many women are not happy with who they are, they constantly ‘work on themselves’ to better themselves. It seems noble but the underlying hissing undertone is ‘I’m not good enough’.

        So after years of working on myself, trying to change etc. I just decided to owe it. Even if it means that I am boring, geeky, shy, introverted… so what? I am happier than ever when I stopped trying to meet some external standards.

        I protested against this video because the only thing it can achieve is make certain people feel bad about themselves, and make them feel they need to change. A valuable advice would be to say that shy and introverted people could try things that work for shy and introverted people (and yes, they do exist!) and not to say ‘start behaving differently, you’re just making excuses for yourself’. It’s cruel and it does not show an understanding of what it means to live with those traits. Mathew’s old videos, when he was not that famous, were much more compassionate.

        And if you really are shy and introverted, I am sorry for you because you have to pretend to be someone else than you are all day long. I would have changed my job long time ago, if I were in your shoes.

  • I think we should challenge Jameson to step in front of the camera as a challenge in extroversion. ;-) It could be the Matt-Jameson role reversal for a day. What do you think? :-)

  • As always Matt brilliantly stated!! It’s an interesting take. My job doesn’t afford me the opportunity to be shy (Human Resources Generalist). I take challenges head on and must do presentations and training, no problem!!! But damnit when I try to get up the nerve to speak to someone I clam up and start to feel my face flush, then basically “word vomit” haha not literally, but I tend to say all the wrong things…grrrrrrr…flirting techniques and wit not quick enough!!! Hearing your rant gives me hope though and I appreciate all you give to us through your videos because I do learn from them! At least I feel that I’m doing more than your average shy gal. Now to perfect those techniques…can’t wait till your next video!! Much love and “cheers” to Jameson also!!
    Myra
    XXX

  • I agree with you on a lot of things but not on this. I work as a therapist with young people and I’m aware of how crippling shyness can be. A person may want to be extroverted but due to fear about how they may be perceived they struggle to do so. It takes a lot of internal and sometimes external (behavioural therapy) work to have the courage to be extroverted when it doesn’t come naturally. Have you ever seen someone who is so shy that they shake when they talk to people? I have and it’s painful to watch so imagine what it must feel like for that person. The fact that they may choose to be silent instead of suffering in such a way doesn’t make them “boring”

    1. Then get help or do something about it. The whole point is not to use it as an excuse to stop improving yourself.

      1. Then he should make that clear instead of just saying don’t act shy. That’s too simplistic. As I said people can overcome this with help.

    2. You are talking about shaking, those people are too obsessed about themselves. They have emotional problems, but have not worked hard enough to get personally grown. Those people do not look further then their nose. Too much self-conscience.
      Nobody is just confident by themselves. Those socially people have also trained themselves in personal growth. Don’t underestimate them.
      Matthew is right again. Being bored because you only see your own interest and not wanting to contribute to others growth, only your own. Not only bored, but those shy introvert people are quite SELFISH.

      1. That’s extremely harsh. I’m talking about young people who have very low self esteem and often this is when it begins. This isn’t about being self absorbed; many people are shy for a reason. What I’m saying is that it takes work and to say just act extroverted really diminishes what they’re going through. Yes you can work on being more outgoing but as I said it takes time.

        1. Besi, I agree. I am an introvert, although those who meet me in one-on-one setting are always surprised to learn that about me, as I don’t come across that way one-on-one. I had a therapist once who seemed intent on curing my shyness by getting me to go do all these highly social things. I felt like she didn’t get what being an introvert is like. It is not something to be cured. Of course we can learn from developing skills that help us connect more easily with others, but that is true for anyone, not just the introverts.

  • I was that shy person who literally shook when I spoke. It was terrifying! Any time I had to talk to someone I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, when I was in college, I made a concerted effort to get out of my shell. It took a lot of work. Learning to offer an opinion and not cringe and backtrack when someone disagreed was an effort. Or worse, talking, and then regretting it and replaying every thing I said in my mind for the next couple of days and beating myself up for saying something wrong. But now that I’m past that trial, I can say I’m better for it. In groups I oftentimes am one to go to shy people and try to bring them out of their shell, not because I don’t know what it is like, but because I do. I’m still an introvert and need time to my self, but I’ve become this confident extrovert when I’m interacting with others. It’s so weird.

  • People used to say to me “its ok for you, you are an extrovert” to which I used to reply “No, I’m an introvert who tries bloody hard” – over time this became my Assumed Behaviour and I am pretty much this most of the time – but every now and again something catches me on the back-foot and then the Introvert comes back – really annoying but it is what it is….

  • Matthew I totally agree with your rant! But how do I as a girl deal with another guy’s shyness? If we have been seeing each other on a few dates and he seems interested but he showed me that he was nervous – what’s your advice?

  • It depends!!! I agree in part. I in some degree I love shy people. For me it´s a turn on sometimes. You know, to wait until that person opens to you and know that he/she is talking to you because he/she really feels comfortable with you it´s nice. I´m not saying that other people doesn´t have atrattion for me, it´s just that I like all the kinds of personality. And seeing a guy being shy with you sometimes is really cute.

    1. Wow! I totally agree with you! When a guy comes up and is very into talking to me, it almost seems as if there’s no challenge there to get his attention. The guy I catch looking at me from the corner, who blushes and clams up when I catch him looking — now that’s a real turn-on! I like feeling there is more going on below the surface that I have to work to draw out as I gain a man’s confidence.

      1. For me is that I can see all te advantajes that every personality have. In shy people is that you really know when they are open to you that they feel, at least, comfortable with you. A guy blushing is really cute too :)

  • Wow! That hit home! I am doing that without even realizing it!
    As a personal trainer I am in my element talking to people one on one, but when I was ask to instruct some classes at the University I thought I was going to lose it the night before my first class!!! But I wanted to do this job more than anything so I had to suck it up BIG TIME and figure out a way to be able to stand in front of 100+ college students and start getting them involved in fitness and nutrition. Some how I managed and succeeded!! I NEVER made the connection into my personal life until just now!!!!

    I am boring. Well, I was. :) I got this.
    Thanks

  • Matthew,

    Great advice again.
    I love everything you write, also the man myth program, which I discovered recently,
    I most certainly don’t consider myself a shy or introverted type of woman…
    But… The thing is; I often see people react intimidated and even ignorant to an open attitude, good storytelling and a sense of humor…
    And especially when that comes along with rathet good looks…
    How to handle that in my lovelife, or creating one, has often been a struggle..
    I like the idea of ‘change’ and walking an unbeaten track in life, but I often miss just that ‘something’ just to give it more power.. To create true effect, to eventually bring that change to my (quite boring) lovelife!!
    I just had to get thus of my chest!!!
    (And now I’m gonna watch some ManMyth advice!!
    :-)

    My best’
    Ellen

  • I cannot thank you enough Matt for all the hard work you have put into reserching this stuff and sharing what you have learnt.
    I’ve bought loads of books, dvds etc to help me sort out what I’m doing wrong, but everyone just pointed out the problems with little help in the how!
    You show us how! with great passion and energy. I came across you in a recorded interview with Michael Fiore and you had me hooked I wanted to learn more and bam
    I’m loving every minute. I’m still in the early stages and so far what you have said is Helping me not only get a guy but more importantly I’m getting a life!!!
    Oh and if you felt you were betraying your fellow man I really think you are doing them a huge favour! it gets better and better!
    Thankyou sooooooooooooooooo much Matt x

  • From one out-going introvert to another am laughing myself to sleep ;-) Thanks for the magic you bring Mr H! xx

  • I love you videos as always matt, always leaves me feeling motivated to step out of my comfort zone and do what my guts tell me i sould in the moment, as apposed to giving into irrational thinking tht tells me i should hold back on doing somthing i want to do in a moment
    Thank you! X

  • This video literally Speaks to me! and I have to say the beginning was Hilarious.
    This is actually the reason why my “shyness” is frustrating me.. I feel as if it’s constantly holding me back from doing all the things I want to do ,from just letting go ..
    Although I like the fact that I’m naturally an introvert and embrace that perfectly, I feel really bad when I can’t change the situations where I end up being boring!
    Nevertheless when I do get to be fun and spontaneous it’s Intoxicating!

  • I am an introvert with a strong interest in personal development so I get your point , however , I would have approached this with more compassion. Firstly, some introverts are happy with the way they are in the world and the results that brings them, so who am I or anyone else for that matter, to tell them they are wrong? Secondly, Matthew, if you are truly an introvert as you claim, you BETTER admit that your journey towards acting more extroverted did not come with no blood, sweat, and tears. Fine you got yourself there and I’m happy for you. Others like myself are on our ways there, and will get there out of sheer determination and desire to do so. But for you to ‘rant’ at others? To me that’s not so cool, hence my comment about compassion. First, one has to gain awareness of where they are before they can even begin to think of strategies to address the issue or even to decide if it’s worthwhile for them to embark on the journey or not. You never know what’s going on for other people is what I’m saying, so maybe a little less judgement and a bit more empathy?

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