Learn More About My New Book, Love Life

You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring

Here’s a little rant I just recorded. It’s said with all of the love in my heart and as a call to action to break free from the ‘cocoon’ of shyness. Enjoy!

So often people use shyness as an excuse not to contribute.

I know so many introverts – like myself – who make being an introvert into a noble, glorified thing.

If we want to be the most well-rounded, charismatic person we can be…

We have to cultivate the skills of the extrovert.

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in ‘extrovert mode’ 24 hours a day, but it does mean that you have to be able to bring out those skills when you need them.

When I step out on stage for instance, I’m bringing out the skills of the extrovert, even though that’s not who I am naturally.

It’s fun to be able to do both.

You can be an introvert and enjoy being an extrovert on certain evenings and occasions, and then go back to being an introvert.

Never let someone convince you that being an introvert stops you from being able to bring out the extrovert just for the hell of it.

Being able to develop those skills was one of the biggest gifts I gave myself because now I’m able to go into situations that scare me, and in spite of that fear, I’m able to bring out parts of my personality that when I’m younger I never used to be able to bring out.

–Is it okay to sometimes be shy?

Yes of course.

The point is that being that way all the time and using it as an excuse to never not be shy is not good.

You’re more than shy. Don’t allow yourself to be labelled. Be what you want to be in any given moment.

Do what works. Not what you ‘think’ you are.

Want to learn how you can step up and break free from the expectations of others? How you can layer different personality traits on-top of those you already have? Want an easy, step-by-step way to get more sociable, meet more men, and grow your social circle? Check out my online program The Man Myth which covers all of this and more.

Free Guide

Copy & Paste These
"9 Texts No Man Can Resist"

217 Replies to “You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring”

  • I’m glad you specified that there’s a difference between being a shy person and just acting shy.
    I won’t deny that social situations terrify me (not to the point where I’m not functional) but generally on the first meeting (in groups of people) I am (mostly) the observer. I like to get a feel for situations and people. Then the more I’m around them the more comfortable I get.
    I am breaking out of my shy shell more and more as the years progress but I’ll always be primarily the observer in the beginning. And it’s not just for me but for the people that I’m getting a feel for. I want to know what sort of things I can get away with, what makes THEM comfortable or uncomfortable.
    While it’s good to always be yourself, it’s also, in my opinion, important to know that everyone has a different line and recognize the moments when not to cross them.

    As always, thank you for your input, Matt.
    Keep up the good work!

    :)

  • Hi Matt!

    Your video inspired me to write a comment for once. I totally agree with you in what you said in your video. I reflected on myself as I listened to your rant and I know I am terribly guilty for “acting shy”. I do have more of an introvert nature and sometimes I let that beat the better me inside.

    This video reminded how my boyfriend and I talked about how we noticed each other back in high school. I had crushed on him since Freshman year and didn’t date him until my Senior year of high school. Why did it take so long? Because I was freaking shy! My own boyfriend told me he thought I was cold and I didn’t appear to be interested in him because I didn’t talk to him. Do you know what my excuse was? I was shy.

    It’s a real palm-slap to the head knowing I could have never been able to date my amazing boyfriend had I continued to be shy and use it as an excuse to never show my fun personality. I am very glad you brought up that topic Matt! I’m sure there are people, just like me, who needed to hear that!

    You’re the best!

  • Liked the video! I think in some situations you can have someone who is quiet and not necessarily because they’re shy. For instance when say someone is going through a divorce, but their friends take them out to cheer them up. I realize this is altogether another story, but one may also just be dealing with a lot, but still being pulled out to have a good time. I’m definitely one of those people who can be introverted, but could be coaxed into singing karaoke or something and own it.

  • I want to start by saying that I have been following you for a while and I find all your videos very interesting and inspiring. However, this time I feel that I need to rant back at you just because if I had seen this video about two years ago if would have hurt me in a very ridiculous and painful way. I feel there might be someone out there who (dares to read and) finds this useful. Some years ago that would have been me.

    First of all my word about the “extroverted introvert”:

    Introversion and shyness are scientifically not the same thing. Introversion refers to low social motivation (relatively low desire of being with others, enjoying time with oneself)while shyness refers to fearful social behaviour (feeling anxiety in certain, or most, social situations), and they don’t necessarly occur together in the same person. That is why you will find sociable introverts who are the life and soul of the party but need to lock up in their room and enjoy their alone time every day and you will also find shy extroverts who, although unoticed or critisized, will always choose to stick around and seek the company of others.

    And now with that in mind let’s take a look at shyness. Shyness is literally, like you said, a special kind of fear. In the same way there are people who really have a bad time standing close to a spider or shiver with the thought of death, there are others who feel ridiculously anxious in social situations. That is why asking someone who is shy to ot act shy is like asking someone who is afraid of spiders to not act afraid of spiders – not a mere trifle.

    And the main reason I decided to write this bible of a comment is because:

    It IS OK to be shy(and act accordingly).

    It is like, say, being born blond. It cannot be wrong because it is not something you choose, it just happens. I understand that the point you are trying to make is: don’t use “being” shy as an excuse to be socially lazy and then whine about your failed evening. I agree with that. However, I would state it as “being socially lazy is not productive when flirting”. Because someone who is trying their best not to act shy might stil fail at it and it and that IS ok.

    Failing to understand this was what led me from plain everyday shyness into deressive social phobia. The way you start the video reproduces scaringly well the voice that played in my head over and over, except it ended with “you are not better than that”. Speaking is so easy, right? just give your opinion, for example, no big deal. I couldn’t do it. I was that stupid. I was absolutely worthless and I didn’t dare to pretend otherwise. Because I knew it wasn’t true.

    It is a vicious cycle and the ony way out is to realize that you are not worthless, you are afraid. And it IS ok and absolutely logical to act afraid when you are afraid. Now, if you want, you can start to fight your fear,and build your confident out of daring to do what is simple and trivial for others, because that same thing is a challenge for you.

    I tried to not make all this sound very dramatic and/or too witty. I just needed to get it out of my system.

    Keep on being great

    Andrea

        1. Hi Andrea I love this and agree with your view. Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. I have both in me but the introversion part I do feel it after spending too much time with people. I begin to feel a bit drained and want time to myself. Whereas extroverts feed more energy by having others around.

          And I don’t think someone who tends to be more “shy and quiet” is boring, unless they are always that person. Chances are they are a better listener too. No one who is shy is ALWAYS shy and I think it’s ok to feel shy sometimes. It’s when it interferes drastically with life that it’s a problem. But trying too hard to pretend to not be shy when you are feeling shy is inauthentic. And I even find that people will find a bit of shyness endearing, not boring.

    1. Technically introversion and extroversion is not about low social motivation, although I see how that can arise in most introverts.

      It is a matter of how easily the brain is stimulated. When extrovert is interacting and engaged by external stimuli their brain shows more activity. When these things are absent, their brain shows little to no activity. Hence, associating an introverted thinking style with “boring”.

      Introverts show a lot of brain activity when not engaged by any external stimulus but just focused on their own thoughts. However, when engaged by external stimulus including interaction with others, their brains show extreme activity. In other words, they get overstimulated easily.

      You could argue that introverts are less boring because they don’t require external entertainment for mental stimulation :P.

      What this explains is that there is no such thing as an extroverted introvert. Introversion is not someone who needs to “recharge” ( every human needs some downtime). Copping an outgoing persona doesn’t make your brain extroverted either. Overstimulation tends to cause introverts to withdraw a bit. It’s best to learn how to cope with it socially rather than adopt a persona which you cannot sustain for long and is even painful.

      1. That is an interesting fact about the reason for introversion and extroversion, Charlotte. Could you tell me what your source is or give any link where we can read/watch more about it?

  • Matti, one day you and I shall have a coffee or two together and this won’t be even enough to go through everything… Gemini-communication etc ;)
    So since I don’t have much time, I’m just saying for now: Ever thought of adding a tune at the end of your videos? If you need any ideas, don’t hesitate to ask :)
    And btw you need to watch Cloud Atlas! One of my favorite movies of all times. Will make you think and I know you like that ;)
    M x

  • Uncle Matty cakes, U know I usually leave comments. Btw, love u @ 3:00. Ur so pissed at stupid questions. I would love for you to respond to my comments some time. If you do that..well……<3

  • Oh Matt !

    Your timing is impeccable..
    Because of you and many other things couldn’t let you have all the credit! Im coming out of my shell Im now going to parties instead of making excuses “im not worthy!” and having a great time!!

    Then i was thinking on the way to work this evening how much i just wanted to say hi to everyone as weather is amazing, But i decided not to as its not the done thing…not v english
    Who cares!!!!!!!!!!!! there are no rules
    Thank you for the lecture: )

  • It’s been almost a year since I realised this. I was making excuses for myself. As soon as I realised what I was doing wrong I tried to be a little more extroverted and got great results. In these last months I’ve met more people than I used to. I’ve met more people than I’ve met in 3 years together. So, everyone really should think about this and listen to Matt’s great advice. I’m still not totally okay (I’ve been like that for my whole life), but I’m slowly getting there and I can already see that I’m walking toward a brighter future. :)

  • When you spoke on this topic at the Toronto seminar, ligthbulbs went off in my head. Your advice is so logical, truthful, and simple to apply. I’m definitely more introverted in nature and I used to think that it was fine to stay quiet and brood if the vibe of a situation wasn’t exactly how I wanted it – now I know better, and find it much more enjoyable to just embrace and interact with people. Thank you!

    Matt, I have a question – I’ll write it out in case you are reading.

    How do you choose between two guys? I’m talking entering the relationship stage. I’m attracted to them for different reasons, but the more thoughtful one is giving way to the one with whom I am more physically and animally attracted to. What are the deciding factors? Should I give it time?

    Your advice is golden :)

    Rose

  • Hey!

    I found you and your videos just Googling about relationships with people – which is one of things in my life I had been terrible till now…I’m shy and have some others problems, which I try to fight and solve. So one day I realized that I actually always try to avoid contacting to others as much as possible! I’m boring! And not happy at all! And as I’m not able to go to any events, I had watched all your videos! :)

    And today’s video is just what I needed.

    Wanted to say thank you for what you are doing. You can’t imagine how much it helps and motivates :)
    Keep doing what you do! It is just great!
    Cheers!

  • SHY IN RELATION TO WHAT SITUATION? Enjoyed this – wish I was a shy person. My line of work and life circumstances demand otherwise.

  • Hi Matt,

    Thanks for your video. Stirred up a lot of thoughts and a topic that really resonated with me.

    I used to be so shy, awkward and unconfident in social situations and found it so incredibly frustrating and felt stuck in desperately wanting to break out of my box and be myself and feel confident around others but not knowing how. I think what you are saying is great and a real wake up call and a reminder to not let excuses keep us trapped. But also that as much as I would hear (and I would tell myself) to just ‘get over it’ real shyness can become a physical fear that takes over your body – I would shake, go brght red and brain would become fluff, it becomes a physical inability to say anything or even look people in the eye. I told myself to just be confident and stop being shy but unfortunately realised it doesn’t work instantly like that! However, I also knew that I had to get myself out of that and just plough through the awkwardness and that’s where I agree with your video, don’t ever let yourself think that is who you’re stuck as when it’s just suffocating the real you – and the real us is never boring!

    It really comes down to realising that we are all worthy and what we have to say/who we are is just as important and interesting as the other people in the room. I worked through self-help books, hypnosis cds, blogs, articles, anything that I could get hold of and also just got out and did stuff that scared me and talked to people and slowly got better! I am now so much more confident but am still working on it, it really is just practice like anything else!

    Seeing that today has been a good shake to keep upping the challenge to keep getting better and more confident and to never just sit back and fall back into bad habits.

    Your videos always inspire and motivate me so thank you for that and not commenting is something I never thought about before but it’s just another form of getting used to putting my thoughts out there and joining in and letting people know you appreciate their work :) Or in this case a full-blown essay ;)

    Also, so great to hear other people’s stories and successes and here’s to us all becoming the best we can be!
    xxx

  • Hi Matt!
    Is this your new hair style, for the summer? :)
    It looks cool but I prefer the one before!!
    Love all your works always!
    Take care.
    XX

  • “You heard that Jamson…” Haha you always go out with something funny! Well done! That’s why your videos are so good!

  • Matt,
    Thanks for this video, it has been hard for me my whole life for being shy. I have really enjoyed everything you have had to say thus far and I can tell you it has made me a better person. I am going out and talking to guys I don’t know just because I want to talk to them. I am no longer acting shy even though deep down I am shy. Thanks so much!!!!!

  • Very funny, Matt… :-) I’m a true introvert, but over time have developed my social skills to the point where I can be much more comfortable in larger groups. (Though performance always came naturally to me, so not sure if that’s actually an extraverted skill or not.) One thing that makes me feel shy is when other people have much better social skills than I do. But I just try to relax and hope everyone will enjoy my offbeat and unconventional reactions! :-D If they don’t, maybe it’s their loss. [Note – being “extraverted” for a little while is not the same as being an “extravert” for a while. Your basic orientation always remains the same, unless you’re on the line between E and I consistently.]

1 4 5 6 7 8

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

All-Time POPULAR Posts