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You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring

Here’s a little rant I just recorded. It’s said with all of the love in my heart and as a call to action to break free from the ‘cocoon’ of shyness. Enjoy!

So often people use shyness as an excuse not to contribute.

I know so many introverts – like myself – who make being an introvert into a noble, glorified thing.

If we want to be the most well-rounded, charismatic person we can be…

We have to cultivate the skills of the extrovert.

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in ‘extrovert mode’ 24 hours a day, but it does mean that you have to be able to bring out those skills when you need them.

When I step out on stage for instance, I’m bringing out the skills of the extrovert, even though that’s not who I am naturally.

It’s fun to be able to do both.

You can be an introvert and enjoy being an extrovert on certain evenings and occasions, and then go back to being an introvert.

Never let someone convince you that being an introvert stops you from being able to bring out the extrovert just for the hell of it.

Being able to develop those skills was one of the biggest gifts I gave myself because now I’m able to go into situations that scare me, and in spite of that fear, I’m able to bring out parts of my personality that when I’m younger I never used to be able to bring out.

–Is it okay to sometimes be shy?

Yes of course.

The point is that being that way all the time and using it as an excuse to never not be shy is not good.

You’re more than shy. Don’t allow yourself to be labelled. Be what you want to be in any given moment.

Do what works. Not what you ‘think’ you are.

Want to learn how you can step up and break free from the expectations of others? How you can layer different personality traits on-top of those you already have? Want an easy, step-by-step way to get more sociable, meet more men, and grow your social circle? Check out my online program The Man Myth which covers all of this and more.

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217 Replies to “You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring”

  • Hi Matt,

    I, too, used to be an introvert until my mid 20’s. Then when I entered graduate school, I truly honed my skills in being an extrovert. As I’ve aged, I have been able to be confident in just about any situation and can strike up a conversation with anyone without any hesitation. And fear? Please! My motto is feel and understand the place of your fear, but move the hell past it. I’m not going to die! LOL

    PS: Can you please put Jameson on the video or show a picture? That dude’s got to be just as hilarious as you!

    Love the TV appearances with Kathie Lee & Hoda! LOL

    Thanks! Rogenna

  • Or maybe we can just create a Shyness Awareness Day. Everyone will be informed of the difference between shyness and introversion, and learn that shy people are not anti-social and boring, just a bit hesitant. ;) I mean there’s already days for everything else. Even a World Introvert Day: http://www.introvertday.org/index.html

    I totally get what you’re saying (I think): don’t let shyness hold you back, develop skills, test your limits. I agree. As long as “you” (the collective you) aren’t letting someone else define how boring “you” are.

    What is classified as “boring” is totally up to the person assigning that word. I think shy people, books, and the History Channel are interesting, not boring. Some people may not agree. (I didn’t even agree with my current self about the History Channel until last year.) Or if an ex-boyfriend were to call me boring, it doesn’t mean he’s right. It means he has different expectations.

    As an extreme(ly ridiculous) example, some people are super-thrill seekers, and it could be impossible to hold their attention for long anyway. “What do you mean you’ve never skinny-dipped in an icy lake with a polar bear after base jumping from a snow-capped mountain? You’re sooooooo boring.” Well then, call me boring buddy, because as much as I love bears, you’re on your own. I’d need a bathing suit for that.

  • at last!!! finally kicking girls’ ass!!
    that’s not as we’re used to seeing and hearing you
    but that’s nice and ok, still!!
    keep going Matt!

    could you do a kick-ass video about women spending their time with online dating like I’ve been doing for the last 2 months… I need help to get me out of here!!!
    thx Matt

    Emilie

  • I think most people are shy when we were young: we just wanted to bland in. Only a few are exhibitionists, ie: like the few who turn up in British Got Talent. Once you step out your “comfort zone”, you can try a lot of new things, discover a lot of fun! When we grow older and try more new things, we are more comfortable being ourselves and not bother so much to bland in, abd become less shy. … On introvert… I am running out of space to discuss. Basically introvert is nit the same as shyness…

    Matthew, you are an extravert! LaLaLa! You tell people everything about yourself!

  • I’m really looking forward to the follow-up video series entitled “You’re Not Extroverted, You’re Boorish”

    1. Prejudice against introverts is real. I theorize that extroverts project their introverted shadow onto introverts. Their inner world is dull, dark, brooding and they associate an introverted demeanor with this mindset.

      The issue is breadth vs depth though. Introverts have depth from their focus on their inner world. But this makes them “narrow” and harder to adapt across many contexts. They do best in niche settings, and often one-on-one. This presents obvious hurdles socially. This does not mean they are “deeper” emotionally or have more insight. I’m talking about the way the personality is developed. Depth means a narrow part on the surface that extends deeper than what is visible.

      Extroverts, however, have a breadth with a focus on the external world which gives them a wide range. They can have problems with knowing themselves, what they want personally, etc, because they are pulled too easily by external forces. This can make them build identities too much on external things like career success or a relationship.

      However, when it comes to being appealing to a wider range of people in a brief time, extroverts tend to have an edge. Introverts tend to do slow-building relationships. It’s difficult to present their personality fully in a short time frame because depth is “too much” to put out at once.

      What I find is I can make friends fine because I focus on others and let them yack on about themselves. But I have a tendency to feel “unknown” to others.

      FYI, I think Mr. Hussy is an extrovert. In MBTI, I suspect he is likely an ENFJ, maybe an ENFP. These types frequently believe themselves to be introverts because they confuse intuition with introversion.

      1. I couldn’t agree more. Matt seems like a TOTAL ENFJ. I think the reason he thinks he’s an introvert is that he probably gives so much of himself in his day-to-day social interactions at work that he needs to stop and focus on himself a lot as a point of balance. I am an ENFJ in a therapeutic job, so I know a thing of two about this issue.

  • This is so true. I know I have certainly done this before. Pretend I’m shy to show someone I don’t want to (or know how to) contribute to the conversation. Its like an excuse not to talk, but your just hoping people believe its cause your shy…

    ..then you do appear very boring..not good

  • MOST people are boring and scared of everything, so when this brilliant person shows up in their lives or at their party they are just jealous, MOST don’t let you shine…unfortunately I had to tone myself down throughout the years to fit in…i’m still a happy extrovert but only with people that are my kind, the rest can rot in hell ;)

  • Hey Matt!
    this video of yours made me concern..i am an introvert who sometime is acting as an extrovert but sometimes this just confuses people around me, so i was thinking that i should probably keep a more constant personality if u know what i mean.. or when sometimes on a night out when i meet a new person, and the first impression he gets from me is of an extrovert person, i feel ‘compelled’ to keep acting in that way… i don’t want to neither sent contradictory messages to people nor to be fake (sometimes i do fake it tho..oops!)

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  • I’m a bit late watching the first and second segment to this series; however, I think this is great advice!
    I’m an introvert, and I use to often here people ask me if I was unhappy when I went out, or if I was just uninterested… it was an awful feeling really. Though I’m not perfect at it, I now try to push myself to be more extroverted in social situations, and find other people seem to be more responsive (in a positive way) towards me! It’s great.
    I have a better time when I do wish to go out, and usually meet really interesting people as well :).

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