I asked her out on a fourth date. I didn’t hear from her for 24 hours.
Then she sent this text to my iPhone:
“Hi Steve. Thank you for asking, but after some thought I don’t see things working out between us – you seem like a lovely guy though and I’m sorry to say this by text. Sorry if I gave out mixed messages, I didn’t mean to. Best of luck with your writing x”
Ouch.
First comes anger. Then comes sadness. Shame. Embarrassment. All these emotions fold over each other in waves until I’m not even sure which one I feel.
But the overriding feeling is “Damn. I really liked her…How did I blow it?”
It sucks when you’re excited about someone and it ends sooner than you’d hoped for. I really thought those first few dates went well. What did I say or do to screw it up?
A tiny part of me wants to text back something moody. Or something that shows her I’m pissed.
Not pissed in a whiny way, but something that says, “Whatever, thanks for nothing.”
Maybe I should text her just that, “whatever, thanks for nothing.” Except I won’t do that, because that would be mental. I’m not that kind of aggressive person. Besides, no-one owes it to me to like me after three dates. I have to stay classy.
Maybe I could just say “Fine”. Hmm, that sounds bad too.
Maybe just “Ok”. That sounds more neutral. That tells her that I’m not sulking about it but she also knows I’m not trying to be too nice.
After some thinking I decide that all of these responses show a lack of class. And I don’t know about you, but I always want to be a classy person in relationships, even ones that only last a few dates.
So instead, I take a deep breath, start a new text and simply write:
“Ok, best of luck to you too. Take care x”
I actually think I could have done better, but that’s what I said at the time (this all occurred a few years ago). Were I writing that reply again today, I would try to be much kinder. I think I was still a little peeved at the time so couldn’t bring myself to, but here’s what I should have written, “I understand. It was lovely getting to know you the past couple of weeks anyway. Take care x”
Why do this? Because any other response is a losing response.
- If you act angry…you just seem like someone who can’t take honesty.
- If you try ignorance…you just seem childish.
- If you send them a long essay outlining your frustrations…you seem needy, and you’re only fighting a losing battle anyway.
The only truly worthwhile response is classy and kind.
This is true of so many areas of life.
People think that rejection, or getting fired, or being told “NO” somehow permits them to blurt out their emotions and burn bridges. Both professionally and romantically, this is just about the dumbest thing you can do. It alienates people. Worst of all, it doesn’t give them the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s go back to the example above.
The truth is, the story didn’t really end there. Six months later I saw that woman again at a party. We made eye contact and after a few knowing smiles back and forth we got into conversation. It was friendly and fun.
After a while she said: “Look, I just wanted to say I’m really sorry about just cutting things off before. I was having fun seeing you but I had only recently broken up with my long-term boyfriend and was really confused and hurt. I just wasn’t in a place to see anyone at the time”.
Suddenly all that wondering dissolved away. I smiled and said: “No problem, I understand.”
We ended up casually dating for a lovely couple of months before she had to leave to for a trip abroad. It was a good time. The memories I have of that period are all of complete fun and enjoyment.
Moral of the story: Don’t burn your bridges for a bad reason. All you’re accomplish by doing so is holding back your future self from experiences that could be incredible simply because of ego and pride.
If I had responded to her text in a petulant, angry way, would the door really have been open for us to date again after six months? No way. It would have been too awkward, too difficult for us both to put our pride to one side. Chances are we wouldn’t have even had the courage to speak again in person and would have ignored one another completely.
Pride and ego can be wonderful, but they can also be dangerous.
The classy response might sometimes feel like the hardest one in the world, but it’s one that allows you to leave feeling good, even if things didn’t go your way.
Life has a funny way of being circular.
And when what goes around comes back around you might end up wishing you’d been more gracious after your first parting.
I’m glad I was.
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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
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Twenty four hours and then she writes/sends that message. I’m classy and you are too Steve so I’ll be angry for you. She must of been out of her mind. You were only asking to go on a date! I’m glad you had a lovely time eventually. My goodness she will be regretting letting you go, years from now.
Bon Chance xx
This comes in very handy to me. A few hours before reading it I canceled my side job after experiencing highly unfair treatment by my employer. First I was sad and angry and tempted to write a furious e-mail in which I would point out how horrible the company behaved and then quit. After sleeping on it I wrote a calm letter where I explained that because of the incident I cannot work for them anymore, thanked for the good cooperation so far and wished them all the best. I do not expect to ever return to this employer but still am proud of myself to have handled it that way. Reading your article I feel even better and now see it as an opportunity to stay classy in a such a conflict. I think it’s a skill I need to train myself. Thank you!
Great post! I really wish more of my entitled 20- somethings acted like this.
Being this kind of a person really makes you stand out and it can be seriously seductive. When my ex- boyfriend and I were first getting together I “friend-zoned” him after a few months of dating before deciding that I wanted to give the relationship a shot, (I had a really low opinion of men at the time.) What swayed it for me was that he acted the true gentleman by consistently treating me graciously afterwards; proving that he was a man enough to be open about what he wanted and bounce back from rejection with self-assurance. He earned my trust and my pants were off- et voilà!
We recently called it quits after four years, but it’s promising to know that there are more guys out there like that. As for me, I’m going to remember this the next time I want to punch a time waster! Humility, quiet confidence, persistence and integrity are very attractive traits.
Thank you for the advice!! Just Realized all this time i’ve been responded with ego and pride and a bit of pissed of, anger, disappointment. Now i know i shouldn’t
I have tried online dating on and off again over the years. Well, the last time I was on a dating site I decided I was going to interact with men with Karma in mind. I decided and tried for the most part to reply to the men I wasn’t interested in with a reason why. While I had a few men who responded negatively, MANY of the men sent me a message back with a big “THANK YOU”. They were basically happy and appreciative that I replied back to them with a “rejection” because most of the time they received no message at all from the women they had sent messages to. I wish I could say I received some of the same curtosy, but I didn’t!
My biggest issue is not being able to let go of why the guys I’m interested in ghost on me. They act interested! I get my hopes up, but am lucky to even be asked out! I wish I knew what I was doing wrong! Any ideas?
Also, considering I haven’t had much luck on dating sites and it seems to me it’s more like a shopping catalog, where can I meet more people-especially men. I’m in my late 30s in a female dominated field and not much for the bar seen.
Also, I always hope that things will become full circle with these men and we will meet again and things will work out the next time around. Sometimes I think I’m waisting my time.What if there is no bext time? What can I do to completely move on?
I recommend getting Matt’s book and potentially his program for attracting men. Or go to one of his seminars. I have found them life changing, no exaggeration! You are not ‘lucky’ to be asked out by a guy who has the bad manners to ‘ghost’ you afterwards. You are a woman worthy of good manners and if they are rude enough to disappear, you escaped just in time.
Good luck :0)
“whatever, thanks for nothing.” Literally LOLing at this response!
I have a situación here and I would like some advice. I have a nice man and we have been dating for almost a year. But we have never met in person. Now…. Yesterday it was my birthday, of course a very special day for me. Usually we never speak on weekends. He spend time with his kids…but I expected that he would call me, but nothing happened. How should I react? With anger or just classy? Should Icut this relationship or just say… I am dissappointed…Help me please.
Thank you for this post, Steven.
The mindset is really inspiring.
I love that post!
I did notice that when I see a virtue in someone else that feels grand, it influences me more than all the shit that goes down and reminds me how I wanna be like.
Whenever someone has an attitude of not taking me seriously because they’re superior/in a better position, I have the immediate, maybe delusional, notion of “Wow: They wouldn’t dare talking to me like that if I was their boss!” – the tables might turn, you never know.
If I leave on good terms, or just decide it was for my best, the benefit of doubt prevails. And whatever good was accredited to me (e.g. getting a very good reference in a former job) gets justified when they see I don’t hold a grudge but give them a good reputation, too.
Everybody wins.
And who doesn’t want to be seen as a just and generous person.
I like very much that you wrote an article about this important topic, TY for putting this out there!
Very true! I dated a guy I know for a few truly wonderful weeks. We have (what I feel) great chemistry and respect for one another. We work together and were friends before all that. Unfortunately, he felt he wasn’t ready for a relationship as he was just out of a long term one. I let him go and I told him that I want him to be happy. We are still friends and (I think) the potential is still there. I’m working on moving on in the meantime while he lives his life and tries to find himself.
That was classy of you…it was great advice…and you were “the bigger person” for it…& it came back to you with wonderful Karma…Nothing but positivity came back to you…second time around. I always remember to be kind…it’s always the better route. You get back the energy that you put out…I truly believe in that! This story just proves it! ;)
So what you’re saying is you got laid?
great post. will bear it in mind for the NEXT time! Came too late for me unfortunately, I now look like a schizo.
Dear Stephen,
Thank you for this post – a great reminder to stay classy always! Just now, i was feeling upset with a guy i’d been texting with and almost wanted to reply in the same way as you’d written in your post (“Whatever, thanks for nothing.”)
We had just started text each other, and his replies were quite sporadic due to him being busy with work (i think maybe he’s not that interested but wouldn’t mind making a friend). Anyway, his last message was 10 days ago and I just texted him today randomly to see if he was still interested. He responded, to say that he was on holiday, and that he’ll text me when he’s back in the country. It wasn’t the response I’d like to hear, but i wondered if there was a better way to reply because I didn’t put him off either… Then I came across your article.
Thank you for this, because your words made me composed myself and refrain from doing something I’d regret.
Cheers!
Nice read thanks Stephen now riddle me this.
3 night of Hangouts (not dates) with a mutual friend included. One of those we ended up just us 2 all night chatting it up in my building lobby.
2weeks later in between texting sparingly and him traveling, I run into him at a Gatsby party where he had a date and the next day I get this.
“ Hi Estela
I just wanted to say I’m sorry if it was awkward for you yesterday to see me on a date. When I decided to go to that party with Jenny, I didn’t know you would be there, and I had no intention of rubbing it in your face.
You and I never really talked about what each of us wants. We spent two or three nice evenings together and got a little closer last time in the staircase of your house (of all places). I don’t know exactly what to make of that and even less what you made of it. I enjoy going out with you, singing karaoke, for instance, and I definitely think we have good chemistry. That is great in itself, but I don’t know how much more there could be from my side. Not sure what your thoughts were on that.
I could tell initially it was a negative surprise for you to see me yesterday with a date (even though you reacted in a very classy way) — I really am sorry if I have caused you any negative feelings whatsoever. I appreciated that we talked a little at some point during the evening, and I hope you had a great night all in all.”
Wish he would never sent anything as it would have been easier to get over. He not just confirmed it was a date but actually names her. (Hand over face,eyes welling) For me, seeing him with a date told me what I needed to know. Now I am confused and don’t know what to text back.
Stephen-Do your thing! (Smiley face)