Should I accept it when he belittles me and makes me doubt myself?
Am I going to make him angry if I call him out for canceling on our date last minute?
What if I lose this guy? Will I be able to find anyone else?
Is it too late for me to even have a romantic life? Will a guy truly want me as I am?
So many women have the same emotional response to these questions: FEAR.
They let fear be in charge of their relationships. They let fear be in charge of the career they choose. They let fear be in charge of their emotions every single day.
When this happens, your actions are no longer guided by what brings you closer to your best self. Instead, your animal brain takes over and you live in constant tension, wondering what terrible thing might be in the bushes around the corner, ready to pounce.
You get swamped by your career, money worries, fretting about your looks. You feel stuck. You walk through life just trying to keep your head above water.
And when you suddenly meet that guy you really like, that’s when you cling to him harder than anything else in the world. He’s your rock of stability. His love proves your worth something. He makes you feel like you’re doing ok.
Until he isn’t…
What Makes You “Unshakeable” In Relationships
I talk about making ourselves strong, and people say: “But what about being vulnerable? What about just giving your heart to someone and seeing what happens?”
I get it. It sounds like a romantic story.
But being vulnerable and opening your heart doesn’t mean making yourself weak and helpless. That’s not love. It’s obsession. And that’s when we stop believing we can survive alone and cling to the wrong people.
The most high-value women I know are always working on making themselves stronger – they are vulnerable and sensitive, but they’re also smart and have an unshakeable inner core. They possess a permanent rock of self-esteem at the center that can’t be moved no matter what happens to them in love. These women don’t assume that it’s a guy or anyone else’s job to patch up their insecurities and bring meaning to their world – they build it themselves, piece by piece.
If you want to be build the foundation to win at love in the long-term you need three things:
You need the tools. How to flirt, how to communicate your emotions effectively, how to be comfortable with your sexuality, how to understand the psychology of what makes you stand out in a guy’s eyes.
And if in doubt, remember the simple flirting formula:
FLIRTING = INTEREST + CHALLENGE
INTEREST = Showing a guy you like him.
A guy needs to feel you actually like him. You could do this through words, touch, holding eye contact – all kinds of ways, but however you choose to communicate it, flirting is poking someone gently and saying, “Hey, you’re interesting! I’d like to get closer to you…”
That is what separates flirting from regular conversation.
But to flirt well, we also have to add the element of CHALLENGE.
CHALLENGE = Making a guy feel a level of excitement where he wants to pursue you more.
A guy needs to feel like there is bar for him to reach, like he hasn’t quite won you yet (but he might…). You might show this by showing your standards, or by not being too available, or by lightly teasing him when he makes a dumb joke, or just by having your own opinions and standing by your values.
INTEREST is what makes him feel connected to you. CHALLENGE is what keeps him intrigued in wanting to win you over.
Rub both of these together like two flints and you get sparks of attraction.
This will get you the initial chemistry – it’s the spark that makes you turn someone’s head and creates that allure of “I want to know MORE”.
Being honest. Taking time for what matters. Doing things that feed our soul, not our ego. Caring about family and friends. Being passionate and following your own bliss instead of doing what others expect. Having a beautiful energy and lifting people’s spirits.
Character is what makes you an incredible partner. Someone who is endlessly fascinating and who keeps others around because you life at the highest level – you have values that make other people want to level up around you.
Attraction turns heads, character is what keeps someone around for the long-term.
Respect is showing you have a line. You don’t compromise your boundaries. You are internally fulfilled and aren’t afraid to walk away when someone doesn’t treat you well. This is powerful in making others see your value.
When you have respect: if a guy stops investing, you stop chasing.
You value yourself enough to know what you deserve. You don’t bang your head against a wall trying to get a guy to want to be with you (if he clearly shows he’s on-the-fence).
What’s missing? – The Most Important Piece…
It’s easy to list these three things: Attraction, Character, Respect.
But what does it take to get them?
Yes, that wishy-washy word that people throw out. Those cliches: “Believe in yourself”, “Have self-worth”, “Know your value”.
It’s all very easy to say.
Then you meet that guy who makes your heart flutter, and it all goes out the window. Or you make eye contact with that cute trainer at the gym, but you’re too scared to take it further. You live in fear of rejection and always rush to comfort. You can’t bear the idea of confrontation or saying what you really feel. What if you get hurt again?
This is why it’s so annoying when people tell you to “be yourself”. It’s the most over-used and unhelpful advice in the world. What if I don’t have the courage to be the person I want to be deep down inside?
Many people believe confidence comes from success, or looks, or money, or status, or having a great relationship. But what if all these things disappear tomorrow? It could happen. And then what? Will we just fall apart and never feel good about ourselves again? Wouldn’t that be a tragedy?
Hopefully by now you can see why it’s so crucial we get a handle on confidence once-and-for-all. So that we can develop an UNSHAKEABLE sense of self-worth and never settle for numbing ourselves and settling for CRAPPY treatment again.
If you want to start this process, you need to begin changing the emotions you experience every single day. You need a method for tapping into those deep reserves of strength and inspiration you have to that you feel empowered to claim what you deserve. You need to actually build your core confidence so that no challenge, no rejection, no disappointment will make you bend on your deepest standards.
Your life is short, and you have so much to give. Don’t let it go to waste by falling into those same ugly mental habits over and over again…
If you’re ready to get serious and do this now, come and join our next live virtual retreat at MHVirtualRetreat.com
This is the best way to finish this crazy year of 2021 stronger than ever, feeling ready to play at your best, and you can transform your self-esteem in 3 days with us so that you never settle for less than your worth again. Remember: without a way to tap into core confidence, no amount of techniques and tips will change your relationships.
Can’t wait to see you there – I hope you’re ready to finally discover your inner worth and live at the highest level.
It’s time to get out of the rut! ;)
Join us on our virtual retreat on March 18th-20th! Go to MHVirtualRetreat.com and spend a magical 3 days with us transforming your confidence and relationships…
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11 Replies to “Why You STAY In Love With The Wrong People (+ How To Finally Get Your Confidence Back…)”
Stephen you are encouraging like your bro Matt. Thank you for convincing me to really look inside and figure this stuff out
Thank you for breaking down the elements of the inner confidene in regards to attraction. Deconstructing these elements into brief practical reasons helped me realized which millimeter shifts I need to work on to become the person I want to be.
And excellent transition of plugging your brother’s core confidence video into your piece. The subject of the plug fit well with the main idea of your article. As if I wasn’t already immersed with your writing and your brother’s product.
Thank you for this fabulous piece of insight, and I look forward to following many more. ^_^
Stephen, this was so helpful! You guys do an amazing job.
One question, though … If you’re in the situation with the guy-on-the-fence, should you then tell him how you feel? I’m head-over-heals and trying not to chase. I do feel like I have enough confidence to be honest with him, though.
I had such conversation and he told me he was not feeling it anymore. I think usually these conversations don’t usually go well cuz the timing of them is crucial. If you usually have it too soon or make it too big a deal, skittish guys or ambivalent guys bolt. They were on the fence and you pushing them for answers made them decide they erred on the side of not liking you anymore cuz it seemed like you didn’t trust them. They felt emasculated. I think watching their actions has definitely been the ultimate test. Even before i had the conversation i was getting lots of mixed signals, but the dead giveaway was he was not moving things forward with his actions. The only way, you could possibly turn this around, if he actually is emotionally available, is to move on with your life, be open and polite and warm and receptive, but not initiate with him until he reciprocates your investment. If he does not call, text, or lift a finger, there is your answer. It is not your fault if he is unavailable, it is solely his fears or limiting beliefs about relationships that keep him acting this way. Clayton Olson and Matthew Hussey are great life coaches who can help you work through these blocks and get closer to attracting that dream guy.
I’m in the same situation. His behaviour tells me he’s keen, but he won’t articulate anything and won’t touch me. Mixed signals!
I followed Matt’s advice and at the end of a lovely evening together sat him down and said:
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and getting close to you, but I sense your confusion, so I’m going to take some space.”
I could see this upset him, but Matt is right I think when he says that you have to take control. I could feel my self confidence and sense of love-ableness draining away while he did this push me -pull you dance.
If he comes back to me, he’ll now be clear where the goal posts are, if he doesn’t then I haven’t lost anything. And to be fair when I asked him – hypothetically – what to do about I guy I liked, he told me to be clear and direct.
Hurts though. Good luck.
Just thought I would share my own experience of putting the advice on here to use, it has really helped me.
I recently went on a few dates with a guy who wanted to move/cancel our plans two weekends in a row (first time let it go, second time I let him go!). He just ‘doesn’t like to plan’, he’s ‘spontaneous’ – No, he is just a guy who either 1 – is not that interested in me, 2 – wants someone to be at his beck and call, and convenience, 3 – doesn’t want to commit to anything so he is always available for the best option that presents itself… and he clearly does not have a lot of respect for me and my time. But, honestly, it doesn’t matter what the reasons are, that type of flakey behaviour is not something I agree with, it is not my standard – so I did not get mad, I just explained that we clearly have different perspectives when it comes to how we consider and value our own and, importantly, other people’s time!
He then messaged me a few days later asking if I could meet him at about 10:30pm, I kindly declined and said I was busy, and suggested that maybe he ask with more notice… his answer… ‘I don’t like to plan’ – my response will now be a prolonged (forever!) period of silence!
Now, this is a situation that a few years ago, I would have probably excused and ignored this behaviour, because I like the guy – he’s great in every other way. Now, I realise that he is only interested in trying to get me to bend to his way of being and for me to be happy with him throwing me half-ass bits of low quality time, that I should be grateful for, oh and only when it is convenient for him – I think not!
The advice on here is invaluable, you just really have to listen to it and leave your excuses at the door. One way I really start to notice when something is wrong, is if I am reluctant to tell friends and family about how someone is behaving, or I feel I need to bend the truth a little – it’s a big indicator that you’re not happy with something.
If you get a feeling in the pit of your stomach, you feel uneasy, then something is probably not right – the fact you are on here asking yourself these questions about a guy will 99% of the time mean that the guy is not meeting the standards that you really want. As this article outlines, DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR BOUNDARIES, not even for the guy who seems so amazing in so many other ways, ‘but he just does this one thing…’, come on, be honest with yourself – which can be really hard, I know!
Remember what your worth, and remember that actions always speak louder than words – so does your gut instinct! :) x
I should have made clear above, he wanted to cancel/rearrange on the day, only a few hours before on both occasions – for no apparent reason/no good reason.
It’s easy to talk. Sometimes insecurity and getting used to that person makes us forget time after another. Though we are not so happy to do so. But the fear of restart and new relation may be with some one even widest
People these days are unhobest and Realy crap
Loved the blog post! It actually answered so many questions. Core conference is they to everything, to fulfilled and happy life.
One day I will do this retreat with you.
Absolutely! I value character the most. When we’re younger we tend to tolerate a lot of ‘behaviour’, but as I get older I’ve become quite ruthless. :-) Thanks again for keeping us all motivated on this dating bandwagon rollercoaster ride. ;-)
Do you have any tips how to manage a toxic person who may be sabotaging your relationships?
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